Sister - Carlisle,PA

Hi, W.:

I would suggest a Family Group Decision Making Conference (FGDM).

Call and talk to a Facilitator.

Mary ###-###-####

Hope this helps. D.

This is really hard. You have to sit down alone and figure out what it is you want in this situation. Of course you want to see your mom. The situation is what it is...for some reason, your sis and BIL are the way they are, and in order to see your mom, I guess you just have to deal with it.

Is it worth sitting your sister down privately to talk to her, and see if she will explain why she is being this way? And express to her how it makes you feel...and be honest. Do it in a nice way, but tell her the way it makes you feel unwelcome, but it's important for you to see your mother.

If she won't open up, then I guess you're kind of stuck with having to deal with her crappy behavior whenever you see your mom.

If your mom wasn't there-would you go visit your sister at all? Think about it. It's sad because sisters should be able to connect and get along, but if this isn't healthy for you...you need to consider that.

And you have a child-who should be given the opportunity to see healthy family connections. Of course a relationship with Grandma is so important, but it's not healthy for any child to see their mother being berated and verbally beaten down. Even if you don't allow your child to see that actually happening, kids are perceptive. They KNOW. Even at a young age (trust me on this, I grew up in a verbally explosive household and remember things that were said from a very young age)...you have to consider not only what your sister is doing to you-but how that affects your child.

I don't have a relationship with my mother for reasons that are similar to why you don't get along with your sister. And while I would love to have my mom in my life-it's not healthy for us to be connected, and even more, it's not good for my daughters to witness. It's painful and I've had to try to explain to a 5 year old why she only sees one grandma...who wants to know why her other grandma "doesn't love" her. It is sad.

And even though your mom has been living with your sister and BIL for a while...there might be resentment because they're taking care of your mom. Not fair because you did it, too...but people are like that.

I send you lots of love. This is tough.

Quite possibly your sister and brother-in-law feel resentful that they are caring for your mother. They deal with her and her needs day in and day out while you do not. Do you do anything to help out financially or physically (I am not saying you need to or you should feel obligated to do so but if they are shelling out money and time and you aren't then that is generally where resentfulness comes in). Also, they might think you should visit them because then you can see your mom and sister in one shot. Also, have you asked your brother-in-law what his problem is? Maybe if you ask he will just come out with it.

Was there anything you can think of that happened between you and your sister farther back? Maybe there was something said or done that she is still holding a grudge about? It sounds like she was mad/resentful before your mother started needing the care. Have you ever just sat her down and said, "......... what is it that I've done that makes you so bitter towards me?" Or, if that's too abrasive, maybe something more like, "What can I do to make our relationship better. I love you and it hurts me that there seems to be so much tension"
If you've already tried that and she denies there's a problem or doesn't want to talk, then maybe she's jealous of you and your family. Do she and her husband want kids and are having a hard time having one? Sometimes people will keep that kind of stuff secret and seeing you with your son gets her upset. Maybe she's jealous of your marriage. As another post suggested, she could be unhappy in her own marriage. It could be just like high school. There's the pretty, popular girl that gets picked on because all the other girls are jealous.
What about how your mom treats the two of you....do you see (objectively) any preference or a tendency to cut you more slack?
I wish there was a clear reason and you two could sit down and talk about it. It just sounds to me like there's more to it all than taking your mom places and who's visiting who.
As far as the BIL, I bet whatever relationship you have with your sister is directly related to how he is treating you.
Honestly, I can't think of anything other than sitting her down and hashing it out with her. Make sure it's a time when there's no time rush or an excuse for her to bow out and she has to talk to you. Maybe get a few drinks in her and see what comes out. I'm joking. Kind of . Not really. Who knows, maybe if she's loosened up, she'll talk. Anyway, I wish you the very best and keep us updated!!

OK, you might not LIKE my suggestion but I too have a sister and this is how I see my neices. I plan trip, meaning I stay at a hotel and plan 2-3 days worth of activities. Perhaps you could find a hotel and invite your mom to stay with you a few days. Internet serches could help you to find a rental on a wheelchair if needed and you can opt to reserve a seperate room for your mom that is handicapped accessable. Should your sister want to join in, let her. She somehow has to put in some effort...put up or shut up mentality. My option is not the most cost effective, but will allow you to go around your BIL alltogether. Hopefully it is a city or town that is familiar to you but if not there is always the internet to find fun things to do around town that would be enjoyable for everyone. One time I opted to have a nail lady from the hotel come in for mani/pedi while the kiddos watched a movie. Try to get creative and make the best of it! Good luck!

Hi W.,
I get the feeling you're really wondering why/how your sister/BIL can act so badly... as opposed to how to deal with it. Probably like me, you feel like family should love each other and kind of naturally want to spend time together. Sadly, it doesn't always work this way.

If I told you all the things that have happened between my brother and the rest of our family, you'd never believe it. I spent years kind of putting up with him, looking the other way when he did something crazy and basically trying to broker peace. Recently, he decided that if I have a relationship with our father (who is divorced from our Mom), than he won't have a relationship with me. So, after so many years of tolerating his abrasive behavior, I called him out and we really got into it. I'd love to say we worked it out... but we didn't. In fact, his rude and hurtful words convinced me to let him go.

I tell you this because I feel like you're trying to understand... sometimes, there is no way to understand. Sometimes there's mental illness, sometimes lingering resentment from the past, sometimes, you just don't like each other. There are so many possibilities of what could be going on, you have no way to know unless you can get her to tell you.

I think you got a lot of really good suggestions to possibly try to deal with them, for your Mom's sake. I hate to say this, but sometimes you just have to let the bad element go. Have as little interaction as you need to see your Mom, and don't worry about the rest. You're not a punching bag, and you don't have to put up with degrading behavior.

I wish you the best. I was saying to one of my friends how much I wish I could have a relationship with my brother, for the sake of my daughter and niece. She replied: "Well, I want my car to fly, but its not going to happen." Some things just are not going to happen... no matter what you do.

Dear W., I am sorry to hear all this. Sisterhood is so special and I am sorry you are having such problems. As far as your brother-in-law goes, seems he is probably resentful that they have to take care of your mom. Even though you had her for awhile yourself. My moms dad stayed with my aunt and her husband for two years. My uncle was very unhappy he was there because my gramps was a little difficult, my uncle held it against my mom because she had an empty house. Two years later my mom got my gramps and my uncle was in better spirits and wasn't bitter. That's just about your BIL. But what's the deal with your sis? Can you think of a time prior to your mom having to live with her that something bothered her and she is holding some form of grudge? Why can't you just ask her why she is so distant? Honestly, since you don't really have a great relationship now it shouldn't put you in any worse standing with her. Also maybe her husband is the reason. She could be so unhappy right now with the care of your mom, very stressful, and maybe a not so supportive hubby that she lashes out at you. You know what they say "you always hurt the ones you love". Since you have to deal with your sis while your mom is with her you guys will have to come to some middle ground. You said your sis doesn't drive, maybe that is the simple reason she hasn't visited you. But there are a lot of layers here and since you are the one who seems to want to work something out a conversation with her without mom and her hubby seems like the best place to start. Best of luck.

If you can't talk it out, change what you do. If they don't like it, they can make the adjustments. Go visit your mother without your family a few times. Completely ingnore your BIL to the point of not even making eye contact. Communnicate with your sister only as much as you HAVE to in making arrangements to visit your mom. When there, take your mom to a private place in the home and chat with her. Play cards, watch a show, have special time together. Let her know gently that you will bring your little one to see her, but need to create boundaries with the siblings due to the negative environment. If your sister wants to work things out, be open to it. If she wants to berate and scold you, shut it down. Let her know you have a right to see your mom, and you're not going to play a game with her and her husband anymore. If they have a problem with you and your family then they can choose to discuss it and try to make it right. Otherwise, you are not going to smile and pretend things are not hostile and inappropriate anymore. You will interact with them on a professional level as if they are the rude staff at the facility housing your mother. Your child should only have limited access to such an environment.

I do believe in building important relationships up instead of breaking them down. But I also believe in being strong and not being a victim in a dysfunctional situation. If you haven't tried to talk it out yet - do that first! I just don't know why you haven't already done that given the lenght of time this has been going on. I can only assume you have (to no avail) or that you are not willing to for some reason. You can't change or control the actions of other people, but you can change and control your own actions.

Sometimes taking a stance about the way you wish to be treated can bring you the result you want. Maybe your sister has an issue with you, but she is fine to punish you indefinitly for it without ever stating it just because she can. Let her know she can't anymore. Maybe it will be the catalyst to changing things for the better. I'm suggesting you create boundaries - not be nasty. Always take the high road and be willing to do the right thing WITH conditions. The conditions when it comes to your sis and bil are that they must treat you and your family with respect and common curtousy if you are going to interact with them on a personal level. Yes, that includes holidays.