How Often Is Too Often to for a Family Member to Come Visit?

This would grate on my nerves too.

Another alternative would be to treat him like family. Everyone else has chores so he should too. "BIL - You are such a dear to visit every weekend. While you're here this weekend, could you be a sweetie and mow the yard?" Start doing a bit of that and I bet he would start rethinking his visits all of the time.

Every other weekend sounds reasonable to me. If he is spending 2-3 days there every week, he needs to start pitching in on groceries and utilities.

that would be waaaaaay too much for me. i'm up for family one, at most two weekends per month, and we have lots of family so we have to cycle through 'em.
weekends are pretty much designated for the dh, the boys and me.
or just me.
:) khairete
S.

It doesn't matter if every weekend is too much or not for me. It's too much for you. Which is valid, okay, and justifiable.

BE HONEST, before you get to the point where you're angry/ resentful/ etc.

You can be honest, while still keeping things lighthearted / not a big deal.

HINT don't say "We need to talk."

Guy Language: Hey, can we have it be a weekend with just us?

Simple Honesty: I really like your brother and our nephew, but every weekend is a bit much. Can we switch things around so it's like every other weekend is extended fam, and ever other weekend is just our fam?

Half Joking: So, honey. I'd really like to have sex this weekend. Without your brother listening in.

he sounds young and clueless.

You can choose to include him or you can have your husband set boundaries with his brother...

If THEY go out and leave you with the kids? I would NOT be happy with that. maybe every other weekend or once a month - but **I** am NOT a babysitter to your kid...

IF he is only coming over so that he can go out? I would put the kibosh on that one TONIGHT. He has a kid. HE MUST BE RESPONSIBLE for his son.

You NEED to communicate to your husband your feelings. If you keep this bottled up? one day you are going to explode and all that comes out will be more than just this and it will be NASTY... COMMUNICATE with your husband. Tell him YOUR expectations and get a compromise going...

GOOD LUCK!!

Either take turns - hubby can go hang with him, maybe even take YOUR kids, at brother's place - switching off weekends. That give you ALONE TIME!

Or treat bro and son like family and if he's going to stay, he's not a guest. He can help out, clean up after himself, etc. Or he can watch the kids so you have hubby time, etc.

Or just let him know you need to have at least 1 weekend alone with the hubby and kids, but he's welcome the other times.

So your BIL comes over every weekend, usually with his son, but wouldn't be willing to watch YOUR kids because he wants to go out? Who's watching HIS kid while he's out? Sorry, family or not, but this would never fly in our house. Life is stressful enough. Our home is our sanctuary and our family time is extremely important to me, even when we don't have something going on. You need to discuss this with your husband, but decide what parameters you want before you talk to him.

Hopefully it's temporary but it sounds like they are making it into a ritual.
I'd talk to hub about it, let him know that once a month seems more normal/logical to you than EVERY wknd--- that is not normal.
Family is family though, some families like to be with each other ALL the time.. maybe your hub and brother fit that category. Hard to tell them they are wrong.
Love is love.
If my sis was alive, I might like to hang with her every wknd if my spouse was not filling a certain need.....

It's too often when the other party is annoyed. I would talk to your DH about how you're glad that his brother is a good brother and uncle, but his coming EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND means that you and he and the kids get no time to just be a family on weekends. You are not trying to get rid of the brother, but you want to talk to DH and then ask DH to talk to him about coming over less often or coming, but not staying. Tell him that you miss the time you had with just your spouse and kids. And not to play games, but I personally do not feel so romantic when my mom stays for the weekend, you know?

If he's a young single dad, is he bringing his kid(s) over, too? So you are hosting them both all the time? All weekend? I also think it's a little selfish of him to invade you but you not to feel like you can ask him to watch your kids another time so you and DH can have a date. That edges into being used territory.

I would just be honest with Hubby and say that it's too much for you, and that you dont mind them coming and staying with you a day or so but every weekend is too much and you value your family time alone.

You just again need to be honest and be straight forward, he cant read your mind and if we women dont say what we want and need sometimes, then they just dont get it :)

I think you'll have to talk to your husband about how you feel, but I would be careful issuing ultimatums, etc.

I know many feel that once you marry, your spouse and the family you've created comes first at all costs, but some bonds are very important.

My sister and I are all we have as far as siblings go. When I had a broken leg, I stayed with her. My brother in law would come and get me. When our dad died, we were all we had as far as grieving for him, etc. We really leaned on each other. Fortunately, my brother in law loves me very much and he actually likes it when my sister and I get out photo albums or cook together, put on old records and giggle with each other. I don't get to see my sister often since she moved away. My brother in law is over here all the time to "kidnap" my mom and takes her to stay, sometimes for weeks at a time. His own family drives him insane, but he truly loves us and loves having us around. We are very, very lucky.

When I married, I knew going in that my husband's brother was mentally ill and my husband bore a great deal of responsibility for him. After both of my parents-in-law passed away, he bore the sole responsibility. His brother is not easy to take care of. He is completely incapable of managing his own money or affairs. If he goes off his meds, he has to be hospitalized until they get him straightened back out again. How could anyone begrudge the devotion and responsibility that a brother takes on for another?

I know that my response is different from the others. I would just tread lightly. You certainly don't want to put your husband in the position of having to choose between his brother and you and your own family.

For some reason, your brother in law might be feeling like he needs to be around his brother right now. He might not realize that he's around quite so often. You don't want to cause a rift by making him feel unwelcome altogether. Bring up the subject gently with your husband and see what he says. Go from there. Surely you can come to a compromise without anyone's feelings being hurt.

Just my opinion.

Come mid-week or a little sooner make plans with your side of the family together with your husband and that will give your husband time to give notice to his brother. No need to have a long talk or make a huge fuss over it.

I wouldn't like that either. Way too much IMO. Wondering if he is divorced and has the kid for the weekend and doesn't know what to do with him so he heads over to your house where there will be help with him. Whatever the reason I would discuss this with your husband and have him speak to his brother about it.

Yes, way too often. Tell him you love him and you love his brother too--but you need family time. Tell him(husband) to talk to brother about letting family have space and alone time. Ask brother to come over 2x a month for bbq or family night etc. But every weekend is way to often! Good luck!

I think it depends on the family...

I have certain family members who I used to see DAILY. If I wasn't at her house, she was at mine. Nearly every weekend was spent together, with one or two a month alone.

But other members, one or two visits a week was too many...

Others, once or twice a month! lol.

If you are annoyed by it, it's too often.

I would come up with an excuse for brother not to be able to come over... "Sorry, but we are going camping that weekend..." or something... OR, better yet, have your husband TELL your brother that it's too much, and limit it to every other weekend. Explain to your husband that while you love 'his' family, you want to be able to spend time with YOUR family (meaning, your husband and kids...) exclusively. Your husband should be able to man up and talk to his brother!

Does he call before he comes, or does he just show up?

If he calls first, I would just say "Oh sorry, Joe. We're heading out tonight..." And do that two out of four weekends of the month. Or you could have DH call him mid-week and say "C. and I have plans this weekend to go...". And that way he knows ahead of time that you won't be home.

If he doesn't call first, just load everyone up in the car a couple times a month and go somewhere. When he wonders where you were, just say "Oh, we went out for some quality family time".

Hopefully he will get the hint on his own without you having to potentially hurt his feelings.

Good luck!

That is too much, I personally... would go nuts if someone regularly came over that regularly. UGH.
And PLUS, they spend the night??? Or your brother in law has his son spend the night? No way, I would be okay with that.
I mean, you have your own life and family.
And no where in your post, did I see that your Brother in Law is ASKING... if he can come over or have his son or himself sleep over every darn weekend.
It is a bad habit.
And he has NO manners.

Ahem, but your home is not a "dorm" for him to come and go from.
Your HUSBAND really needs to, tell him. "Do not use our home or my wife as your hotel. It is not a hotel. You are an adult. Act like one."

You are NOT sensitive.
Your HUSBAND SHOULD BE HANDLING THIS. AND backing up his Wife.
If your BIL lives there every.darn.weekend....and he is using your things/shower/food/etc. and you are cooking for them ALL WEEKEND LONG.... then, yep, I would be IRKED.
Majorly irked.

WHY isn't your Husband, saying anything or even asking you... if this is okay???
And, if you had your Mom or Dad or Sister or Brother over every darn weekend.... would your husband like that???

Let me tell you something... I have an Aunt, who's Husband divorced her... because of a similar problem you are having. Basically, my Aunt treated her family/parents... as more important than her own Spouse. And HER family, was at their house, ALL.THE.TIME and certainly every weekend, and she expected her Husband to do things for her family... every weekend. ie: fix things for them, host them, buy them their favorite foods, etc. So anyway, now, that Husband of her's is an "Ex" Husband.

First of all, you shouldn't feel bad about your feelings. I totally get what you're saying. I think once a month is enough; but once every two or three months would be even better!! You need to talk to your husband about how you're feeling and then he is the one that should talk to his brother.

Your brother-in-law sounds like he needs to find other things to do on the weekend. I'm wondering...is this the only time he gets with his son? Is he maybe uncomfortable being alone or having that responsibility to himself? Maybe the three of you could discuss it together.

Good luck!!

see young men can be pretty clueless. lol. when i was young and "in love" my soon-to-be husband worked on the road. his brother was dating our neighbor, which turned into my (almost) BIL spending a LOT of time at our apartment. like constantly. it got to the point that my hubby said something to me. he felt that he was spending ALL this time away from home, earning all this money for US, and it was getting spent on his brother (food, utilities, etc.). SO i said something, and i was seriously as nice as i could be about it (although, being young and dumb, i waited till he was at work to email him so i didn't have to do it face-to-face - mistake i know now) it basically screwed up the brothers' relationship for years. DUMB. we ended up moving 1/2 way across the country and their relationship STILL isn't what it should be, because now of course they never see each other. *sigh*. i regret that. but i also know it's their stupid male stubborn pride that did it, more than me.

But even after all that i do NOT think you should just accept this. talk to your husband. it's his brother, it's his place. i think too much IS when people start feeling used or taken advantage of. unfortunately, the BIL may not take it well...but that's on him. you know what oprah says..."THIS ISN'T WORKING FOR ME." you have a right to that....

It's wrong of him to assume that you can devote every weekend to him. Make other plans. Buy tickets to things, enough for just you, hubby and the kids. Make plans to visit your family for the day, or have someone from your family spend the weekend. Make plans to go somewhere or visit friends for the day, friends who he doesn't know. Talk to your husband. Let him know you're happy to make plans to do something with the brother one day every other weekend, but that your home is not brother's hotel every weekend.

That is hard. You don't want to hurt his feelings, but at the same time you shouldn't be held hostage to his visits every weekend. I would make some other plans ahead of time and tell your husband he needs to let his brother know you guys aren't available Fri or Sat or both. But you look forward to getting together with him again soon.
He probably doesn't realize he's imposing on you guys. If your husband wants to stay behind with his brother so be it. But at some point thats going to cause a rift with you guys too. You just have to be gentle about it., But you have a right to want to see other people or no one if you choose!

Too much. I would say maybe one day a week at the most and maybe for 3 hours.

I feel saddened by the young man's obvious loss of a relationship of his own. As a person who is now not close to family---I would say try to deal with it without letting your hubby know. IE: plan a seperate trip and spring it on hubby Friday at breakfast so bil will not have time to know. Once he gets STOOD UP a couple of times, maybe he will get his own social life. But be gentle... I wish I still had close family ties.

What's going on with the brother's life? Has he recently been divorced? Maybe you could ask him to watch your kids while you and your husband get away for a few days?

Too much is when it becomes uncomfortable for you. Depending on the relationship, that could be once a day, once a week, or once a year.