Sibling Jealosy

In my opinion, your stepson has a lot of anger that isn't necessarily coming from inside him. Is his mother maybe talking badly about his stepmom and sister? This is something not to be taken lightly, he could have literally killed her. Children have been taken away by CPS for less. I'd be at my wits' end too. I think professional help in this situation will be your best bet. Counseling for your stepson, and even family counseling for all of you.

First of all realize that all kids hate their siblings at some point in most days. Siblings are always vying to be favorite - that goes back to the beginning to time (Cain & Abel). Also keep in mind that he did not ask to have divorced parents and have to go back and forth between different homes. One where he's completely adored, and another where the little sister is completely adored. Can you imagine if you were in a similar situation with your husband? Every other week you leave your comfortable, familiar home to live at his other wive's house? ...and there are times that he shows a clear preference to his new wife? Wouldn't you want to hold the new wive's head under water? This would be a tough situation for an adult to handle let alone a 6 year old. And of course, to complicate things, his mom is an only child, as is he. And you, as step mom, see him as a neccessary, but unwelcome distruption in your home - and don't think he doesn't feel that - whether or not he can understand or verbalize it. I'm not saying that your feelings aren't valid - they are. Having your husband's child come in to your peaceful home every other week and create discord is understandably difficult. But - you are the adult - he is the 6 year old.
Just like when you bring a new pet home, the old pet has to be shown extra love while introducing the new puppy or kitten.
First I'd suggest that when it's transition time your husband and his son go spend some time together alone before coming home. Your husband should pick him up - go have pizza alone with him, go to a movie, to Chucky Cheese, a play ground - whatever it is that makes him realize he's special and loved. He needs to know that he's loved by his dad. I'd also suggest that you spend some time alone with him - it doesn't have to be a lot - but you should still. Take him to the play ground - when your daughter takes a nap play a board game, etc.
When your SS and daughter are playing together keep an eye on them closely. I recall reading a book about introducing a new baby into the family and they advised to NEVER assume the little one is going to be safe with the older one. Until kids are around 10 or so they don't truly understand the permanence of injury and death. They only understand scraped knees, twisted ankles, bonked heads, etc. He wants to hurt the little one becuase he feels hurt - but he can't take the next intellectual step that holding a 3 yr old under the water can cause permanent brain damage or death. (PS - my brother who is a year older than me seemed to always be holding me under water...)
You and your husband need to conduct yourselves calmly after an indident -the screaming (although understandable) is completely ineffective and just scary . Your SS needs to feel more pain for harming little sister than the original pain he felt which caused him to try to harm her. So maybe a spanking is in order - but only by dad and only AFTER dad's calmed down and able to explain why he can't try to drown another person - little sister or stranger. Spakings are on hineys only, never face, head, arm, etc. Then your husband needs to hug and hold his boy and tell him how much he loves him - no matter what he'll always love him - but that he's not allowed to harm other people - including his little sister. Dad must also add that the same rules apply to little sister - so if she does something that puts his life in danger that she'll get a spanking too.

My daughter, who loves her younger brother, had times of trying to harm him when they were young. I've read stories of older siblings trying to flush baby down the toilet, hang baby out the second story window ready to let go, etc. Kids need to be supervised when they're with their younger sibling and even without the different homes, split custody, etc - it happens in every family.
Finally - do everything you can to foster their appreciation & love of eachother. Help them do things together, have your SS teach his little sister something special he can do that she doesn't know how to do. Encourage him, tell him you know that he's going to be the big, cool brother that his little sister is going to want to be like. Ask his opinion - what can you show your little sister to learn that you're an expert about? Kicking a soccer ball? running really fast, climbing the monkey bars? Encourage him to accompany her down the slide since he's a big brave, kid and she's just a little girl, etc. Supervise and look for good behavior so you can praise it when it happens. Positive reinforcement works SO much better than negative reinforcment. Expect good behavior, explain what it is, coummunicate that you are so happy when you seem them playing together, tousle his hair, give him a hug, give him ice cream or m&ms when you see him doing the right thing. He will WANT to do the right thing becuase it feels good and he gets positive feedback for doing so.
But, if his behavior doesn't improve as he gets older then get him into counseling. Your husband has a responsibility to his son as much as he does to his daughter and by marrying him you'd taken that on.

Good luck mama - raising your own kids is tough, raising someone else's kid is really tough.

Action needs to be taken ASAP. Family counseling is a must. If mom won't agree, do it on your time. Also, you might want to talk to someone as well. I completely understand your feelings towards this child, but he is a child. You need to be able to talk to someone about your feelings and how to deal with him and super mean mom.

However, your child's safety is what you need to focus on. I would NOT leave him alone with her again. He cannot be trusted right now.

It's not easy being a step parent. It sounds like your SS really need some counseling regarding the divorce and new family. Your hubby should also set time aside just for his son without you and your child. If your husband’s ex is being rude/mean etc. than your husband needs to address these things with her (maybe through the courts if needed).

Try to see life through your SS eyes so that you can relate to him better. Also never make him feel like he is not a part of the family. All siblings argue and yes some even do really bad things to each other. You need to keep a close eye on him and try to figure out how to defuse his jealousy.

My step children are 21 and 13 and most days we are all just fine together, but they can be incredibly selfish and don’t seem to care about other people’s feelings or needs. And yes the older one is still finically dependent on his dad along with his girlfriend (that drives me totally insane because they cost us about 30k a year to support).

Hang in there and do your best to work together as a family. Your SS is very young and he needs love too (from everyone).

First of all, I don't think this has anything to do with the 6 yr old being an only child... it is very easy to label him and his mom with an "oh they are only children" stigma. That is BS, in my opinion. There are plenty of angry, resentful, unstable people with siblings as well.

You are talking about a blended family here. Coming from a divorced family and adjusting to step parents... it SUCKS. Life as he knew it with mom and dad ended and the fact that he has a new sibling and step mom guarantees him that his mom and dad won't be together again. Throw in an angry MIL for whatever reason and you've got a hot mess.

Now that is out of the way... what he did to his 1/2 sibling is completely wrong and out of control if he is actually trying to hurt her. He could have killed her if someone had not caught him holding her under water. I would be past livid at that point. Was the only discipline a stern lecture? He needed way more than that to make your point. The fact that he responded by doing it again after a lecture would warrant a wake up call for him.

At this point you must be concerned for your daughter's safety when he is around. I think some sort of counseling is in order for the ENTIRE family and him privately. If he has this much anger at 6, I'd be scared to see what he'd be like at 12.

Get professional help for him. If his mother won't cooperate, then go to the courts because if she is enabling this behavior she has to learn to be a better parent.

Good luck.

Oh my! I feel terrible for you. This must be so stressful......how open is your husband to some family counselling.........I think there is seious need of professional help......especially since anything you say or any progress you make with your step son will be over ridden by his birth mom.......also please please watch your little girl like a hawk when he is around...some kids don;t grasp the meaning of empathy and the permanence of damage that they can inflict on other people - not blaming your step son - he is just a child but these are formative years and if you don;t want him to end up in juvi you want to provide the right guidance....maybe even a youth camp, church group etc.....

I don't think the issue is at all that he used to be an only child or that his mother is an only child.

The problem, I think, is that he's acting out due to something that's upsetting him. He's lashing out in the only way he knows how. There's some sort of anxiety that he doesn't have the words to express, and it's coming out aggressively. WAY too aggressively.

Sure, he could be demanding attention from his father. Sure, he could be jealous of his sister and how she's babied. He could be anxious about something in the routine/s between households or how he's perceiving the way he's being treated. But he's still so little himself, he probably doesn't know why he's doing these things. He needs some serious counseling and there should be significant family counseling.

He should be getting some special attention from his father, special one on one time, maybe even some "Daddy and Son weekends" away together occasionally. Maybe even get Grandpa in on the act. Go camping all the men.

I'm very curious what his mom says about all of this, what her interpretation is, and how well she gets along with you and your husband.

Your first concern should be in protecting your daughter. Your husband MUST be on board with that. It sucks having to protect one of your children from the other, but that's the point this has reached. The children can't be alone together again until this is sorted out.

I bet your SS can sense your dislike of him and that is a major contributing factor to his behavior. And you are probably right - mom probably has some things to say as well.

The fighting does sound like normal sibling rivalry, with the exception of holding your daughter under water. He probably does think she is the reason he doesn't get as much attention from dad as he does from mom. I think that is just something he's going to have to work out as he gets older.

I really don't see that there's much that can be done aside from keeping a good eye on him and being consistent. I think once he gets a few more years under his belt and starts seeing things as they really are, things will get better.

It's going to be a long, hard road. Strap on your seatbelt and get ready for a ride!

I'm afraid you have a long, tough road ahead of you. It sounds like you could all benefit from family counseling. Perhaps your SS senses that you're stressed and unhappy when he's there. This in turn makes him angry, and causes him to lash out at what he feels is the most important thing to you (your daughter). I think you need to watch him like a hawk when he's with your daughter, especially in the pool. I would not leave him alone with her for a minute. I also think counseling to help improve the family dynamics and improve your relationship with him is essential to your being able to stay in this marriage. Best wishes!

Wow, change the genders up a bit, add a psycho mother in law and you have the lives of my psycho boss' children.

At least in that world the behavior is caused by only child mom hating that her child's father wouldn't marry her so she tells him he is really an only child no matter what dad says or how many half sibs he has. Then you add psycho grandma who ignores her other grandkids. People here are actually unaware she has more than one grandson.

I don't really think there is a solution because the behavior is being caused by that which you cannot control. We figure the oldest kid is going to end up in juvi by the time he is twelve but who knows, that may give the rest of the family some peace. :(

Take a break when you can, tak to your husband about it. Thats kind of scary. Try talking to him and find out whats goin on with him.

Regarding the swimming thing...I'd march him straight to the lifegaurd and have them explain to him what they are going to do if any lifegaurd catches him doing that and why he's never allowed to do that again, no matter if it happened yesterday, a week ago or a month ago.