Step-issues, Please Give Advice.

You need to see a councilor. And not just you. First you alone and then some family counciling. I feel sorry for the little boy. He was part of the package when you married his father.

Therapy! You all will benifit from it. I was having such a hard time before I went. It helped us all so much.

Well, all I can say is that all the love you feel for your own child is the love your husband feels for his. You don't have to love your step-son or even like him, but you have to realize that your husband loves him.
I've seen situations like this and frankly, the marriages don't survive.
I would never stayed married to someone who couldn't love my kids, perhaps differently, but still on SOME level.
Little kids can't help it if their parents get divorced. They can't help it if their parents get remarried.
I realize you can't help the way you feel, but try being a little kid growing up knowing that he wasn't loved as much. Try being your husband and knowing that a life he created well before you came along has no room or place in your heart because you love your own kids so much.

You can discuss this with your husband. I'm not sure he'll be able to appreciate your honesty. I think he already has an inkling about how you feel.
If I were him, I'd be hurt. You knew he had a child before you married him. He has two kids and another on the way. If anything, he needs to let the one who doesn't live with him know that he's still just as important.
I would think long and hard about whether or not you can set some feelings aside and be able to support him in that.

Best wishe.s

kids/people/animals can feel being unwanted. I grew up with a hateful stepfather that loathed me for absolutely no reason. I never had a father in my life so when he came into it, when I was 7, I wanted his love so much that I kept going to him seeking love only to be rejected over & over. Then my baby sister came along, a 7 yr age difference, & the love he had for her was painful to me. I hated her because she got all his love. He made me call him dad but I stopped when she was born because it was so apparent that he didn't want to be a father to me.

This was a package deal & you could potentially be ruining this little guys life. I will never ever forget how I was treated by this man, I forgave him long ago, but only for my sake.

Don't let this go to the way side, get help for yourself to open your heart to this little boy that neither asked for this or deserves this.

A friend of mine was 5 years old when his parents split. In his case his mother called his father with him in the room and said, "If you don't want me I don't want your son. Come and pick him up." She set him on the front porch with a packed suitcase to wait by himself until his father picked him up. Her behavior was horrible, but on her deathbed he forgave her, he knew that she had been trying to salvage her marriage, hoping his dad would come home.

His dad's new girlfriend, who would become his stepmom, resented him from Day 1. She ignored him, was quick to point out to people that he wasn't her son, never hugged him or told him she loved him, and relegated him to servant to the 3 children she and his dad had together. (His dad was working 2 jobs, my friend rarely saw him, and when he did she didn't act that way.)

He grew up, joined the Army, was wounded, came home to heal. Then his father got cancer. On his deathbed he asked my friend to promise to take care of his stepmom, which he did, knowing she didn't love him. He took over the mortgage payments, paid the utilities, put his 3 half-siblings (my term, not his, he's always considered them his brothers and sister) through college, and gave her money to spend on herself.

When he hit 45 he realized he'd probably never get married and have a family of his own, and told her so. She asked him why he'd never married and he told her "I guess because I promised my dad I would take care of you." She was stunned, and said, "But I was always so rotten to you." He agreed, but told her that he forgave her, she'd gotten more than she'd bargained for.

She cried for days because of the guilt she had for what she called "ruining his life." He tried to console her, but she knew, she had been wrong to treat him the way she had. They never spoke of it again.

And when she died he ordered her headstone to read, "Beloved Mother to _____, _____, _____, and his name."

Your stepson knows how you feel about him.

Fake it. You need to bring out the best, most honorable part of yourself, and be the best stepmother you can to your stepson. I'll try not to judge the fact that you don't like a helpless little 4-1/2 year old, but he's still just a baby, and I guarantee you that he feels your dislike.

So for his sake, and more importantly the sake of your marriage, you need to muster as much real and fake love as you possibly can.

I've been a stepmother (and now stepgrandmother) for 25 years, since my stepkids were 1 and 4. And I have a 9 year-old biological daughter.

Your feelings for your stepson may never be the same as for your own children. He is not "your son", he is your stepson. That's OK. What's not OK for your marriage or for your family is any unequal treatment of him compared to your biological children. What's not OK is the tension I sense in your between you and your husband. As the children get older, this could escalate. Children pick up on these things and use them against each other and their parents. Tensions like this over time can cause marriages to fail.

Have you considered finding a stepfamily support group that meets regularly? Otherwise a family counselor who specializes in stepfamilies? You have been a stepfamily for two years. This is a very short time. Now you've added a new child and soon another one. This is a lot of change and adjustment for each of your family members.

I was told, when I was a young stepmom, that it takes seven years to "blend" a family. At age 25 this seemed like an eternity (lol) but I have learned over time that yes, it takes years to develop the roles and relationships that work for your family. And it takes work, by all.

BTW - a three month custody schedule seems really unusual to me. I think this schedule would be hard for a 4 1/2 year-old to deal with, and for you, too.

Intense, intense family counseling . . . that's my best suggestion.

Are you saying that his father has him for 3 months and his mother for 3 months? If so, I suggest that's a really difficult arrangement. Just the time you get used to having him around and start feeling an attachment he's gone and then you get to start over 3 months later. You need much more often and consistent time with him.

It's possible that you don't feel attached to him because he comes and goes. It's possible that you're unconsciously not allowing yourself to be attached to him. If that's the case, bringing it to consciousness and then consciously working on finding a way to gain attachment will help. Perhaps reading up on attachment parenting would give you some ideas.

I also suggest that since you hadn't developed an attachment before your own son was born made it more difficult to feel attached to him. Of course, you don't feel the same towards your step-son. But you can still love him and feel attached to him.

I adopted my daughter who came to live with me when she was 7. I loved her and did attach to her. Then I was present at the birth of my first grandchild. I immediately felt a different sort of attachment. Before the birth, I would say that I love my daughter as much as if I gave birth to her. After my grandchild was born I realized that yes, I did love my daughter but my love for my grandchild was different. I love them both, immensely and still my love for each feels different.

I urge you to get counseling to help you learn how to love this step-son. He can sense how you feel just as your husband senses it. And he will suffer as a result. Your marriage is suffering now. You know you need help. Asking here is a wonderful first step. Counseling will help you sort out your feelings in a non-judgmental atmosphere. You can relax and allow your feelings to come out and heal.

This is sad. When parents break up or divorce, its the kids that suffer. Some end up with stepparents like you that dont love them or even care to be around them. You were faking it for your housband? Yes, that sound real bad. If only he knew how you really feel on the inside about his kid. He is not your real son so the love you have for him will be different than the love you have for your own kids. You dont even have to love him if its not in your heart. Just be nice to him and act like you care. Make sure all the kids get treated the same. Pray on this

Having step-children is different from having your own. Yours you love from the minute you find out your are pregnant. Step-children you have to fall in love with them like you did your husband. I have two step-sons that I love and try my best to treat like my own. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable treating them like my own. Like I give mine tons of hugs and kisses, because they love them, but my step-sons are not use to getting hugs from anyone. So it makes them uncomfortable to get hugs. I have the same rules for all of my children and I make sure that I just don't blame them for something before finding out both sides of the story. You should stop trying so hard to treat him like your own son and get to know him. You can't change who he is and make him like your own son. As for him annoying you ask yourself "if it is just a stage thing or a bad habit that needs to be broken?" My oldest stepson went through a know it all stage that drove me crazy. But it wasn't who he was, it was just a phase that all kids go through. Talk with friends with 4 almost 5 year old and see if their kids are doing the same things.

Be kind to yourself, Momma. I have two boys, both of them are mine biologically and we live/I A. married to the biological father. Truth? When I brought my second new baby home from the hospital, I went Momma Bear against my older boy--he was a threat to the infant at times (he was almost 2 yo and high energy). That's our animal nature, to protect the smallest, most vulnerable of the clan. Then they get older and get annoying! :) My point is, "poor fit" can happen amongst biological parent/children as well. Look into temperment studies for a real eye opener. Thanks for being super honest. I like it when people are up front and REAL.

I understand your situation, however, in order for you all to have a happy and healthy family life, you need to work through your issues. I would suggest( like a lot of other mothers have) family/individual therapy.

Maybe some therepy would help for you and your husband to work on figuring out how to best blend these families ... it can not be easy. I have been the kid in a part time (very part time) blended family and it was horrid, however I really only wanted to see my dad, I would have been perfectly happy if the others were no where in sight the two weeks a year I had with my dad.

I read all the responses and I have to say I am almost speechless. Your post was very true, honest, downright right for a lot of step parents. Actually I have never met anyone who just loved the step child like their own. mostly because the step child was not only pushed on them by the significant other but by the significant other's family. i know of someone also whose biological children were cast aside by the biological inlaws because they felt the biological children will take the place of the stepchild. that backfired on everyone, because the stepchild never got the chance to fit in because the step parent felt pushed too hard without letting the natural course take its place, and then when the step parents realized that the biological children were being punished for existing well all hell broke lose. husband and wife became closer, the step child never found the part in that family.
yes, i totally understand you. i cannot see, though not from experience, how can a step child become like your own child. i think the most i would ask of you is to respect the child, treat them well, treat them equally with your own, care for their needs. you can work on that. you do not need a shrink. absolutely not. you sound reasonable and honest. these are honest feelings. make that clear to your husband, and also say that you will do your best. that's all you can do. don't fake feelings. work on them. spend some time alone with the child. get to know him. show him he can rely on you. don't try to do the impossible. good luck

This breaks my heart. How would you feel if your son was ever treated that way by a future stepmother?

I think you need to open your heart and be more fair. This is a child you are talking about. You should treat him with the same love and respect that you treat your own children. I actually think counseling would help with this situation. It's vital to your stepson's well being that you improve things.

My husband brought his nephew into our marriage. I was already a mother. I just had to let go of wanting the nephew to be a different person and so I allowed myself to treat him well, take him places that were special just for him and believe me it made things so much better. My resistance made him resistant so I just gave in. People liked him. My husband parented him well and so it wasn't my full job. He grew up to be a good person. That is all you can ask for. He is your child as much as he's your husbands. Your children are his siblings. If you want a harmonious household and you cannot do it yourself then go to counseling. Your stepson is suffering from being unloved by you. You will be divorced if you cannot accept help loving all the children under your roof.

You have admitted that you have never cared for your husband's first child, so you are not doing anything unconsciously. You got with your man when his little one was just a toddler. Now a third child is about to be in the picture.

You say now you have developed the "mama bear" instinct. Can you imagine how your husband's former wife must feel about you? Good times and a solid marriage are not going to happen UNLESS, you have a sincere change of heart and attitude adjustment. You must treat your husband's first child and the children you have together the same. If you can not do this, please be honest with yourself and everyone else concerned....especially innocent children.

Blessings.....

I am sorry to be so blunt but that message sounds like a very selfish, hateful way to act to a CHILD. I don't care if it is your child or someone else's child, that is a CHILD less than 5 years old. Please reread your message....I, me, I, my son, my babe, my baby, his son, etc. It seems that you view the world based on how it affects YOU. You are a mother now and a step-mother and you need to view the world based on how it affects your FAMILY, whether it is your son or his son. Or for god's sake even some kid that just lives on your street should be given some love and kindness.

Please, stop making it a competition about how you feel about his son versus how you feel about your child. That is not a good way to look at it and also not NECESSARY. You can handle both and no one is asking you to feel the same way about your SS vs your son. But you should treat the SS same and at least pretend you like him. Try to take it a step further and be a good example for him.

If he is difficult, fine. But he is 4 1/2! Take charge, be an adult and deal with it. Perhaps he acts that way because you make it clear you don't like him. Again, I am not trying to be mean but it is very wrong to feel this way about a little child. Are you vying for attention from Dad and trying to make sure you and your son come in ahead of the step son? There should be enough love to go around and that child's behavior will be what you make it - try to make t the best it can be. All the best to you and your family.

I just had a step mom vent for an hour on my front lawn about her step child and how evil he is. All the while her batty kids, were running in front cars, climbing my neighbors tree, throwing stuff on his house and she said nothing about how great kids are. Fun kids, but she is raising the family like cinderella and the step sisters. Sadly her kids have learn how to otrcher the older child and get away with it. Funny thing, I have no problems with the step child, he has been friends with my son for years. It was shocking to me, and I honestly wanted to punch her. My son won't even visit over there because it so bad, how this other child is treated, as well as my own son. And she wonders why he tries to minipulate his other parents, so he does not have to be around her. I have been watching what this child has gone through, from the nasty divorce, to the remarriage. Yes he does has issues from time to time, it really is no wonder. And I do not doubt that he gets nasty with his step mom, but what does she expect when she loathes the very existance of him. He has no chance, neither does that blended family least not until the father chooses her and her kids over his own. Of course they are heading for divorce. Could happen to you, could be your kids next.