You guys are going to tell me that you can't answer this, that I should answer this. And you are right. I should know my own daughter, right? A few weeks ago I posted a question about whether I should find a new school for my daughter. Short version - she is in a very small class, clique has formed, she is the "odd girl out." She has come home upset that no one sat with her at lunch, no one played with her at recess.
So, I have spent every waking minute over the past few weeks researching and touring other schools. She is aware of this. She went on one tour with me, because they scheduled it over spring break, and went to an open house that was held on a weekend. And this is what is going on now. Every day she comes home and says school was good. When I ask specifically, she often did not have anyone to sit with at lunch and/or did not play with anyone at recess. She told me the other day that she tried to play dodge ball with some kids at recess but they pretended she wasn't there. But suddenly she doesn't seem bothered by it. If I ask, she says she wants to go to the schools we toured. But she doesn't seem at all upset by what is going on at her school anymore and says she likes her school.
So, have I made a mountain out of a molehill here? She was honestly sad and upset over a matter of months. And I have been to the school quite often and observed the other kids ignoring her so I know she did not make it up. But now she doesn't care and likes her school? Good grief. How do I know what is best? My gut says still to get her out because no first grader should get used to being ignored by her classmates and think it is okay. But if she is content, why are we making a change? Do you have any advice for me here?
Yes, move her anyway. Just because she has decided to "accept this" doesn't mean it's a good thing. You don't want her to internalize that she isn't worthy of having friends.
I'm disappointed that the school hasn't tried to work on this problem. And it IS a problem.
Go with your gut. It doesn't sound like its gotten better just that she's decided to not let you know that it bothers her.
Maybe she saw that stupid Mindy commercial where she thinks she is invisible and now wants to try out her own invisibility?
It is as good possibility as anything else.
I was bullied something awful as a child but when I was at my grandma's house it didn't seem so bad. Long story short my grandma listened to me and cared. Sometimes all it takes is someone listening, offering solutions, to help a child keep going. I mean it could be that she knows you have her back so if it gets bad you will have her back then. Not sure if I am making sense but she feels safe enough to stay there.
If that is the case, keep listening to her. It means you are doing a good job
Do you think she has just given up on trying to fit in and establish friendships and settled for the way things are? If so, I think that's pretty discouraging and you should still look at other schools. It's also possible that she knows she won't be going to this school anymore and isn't letting it bother her anymore. This is a tough one to call, but I say you should go with your instincts.
Maybe she's just naturally more of a loner?
One of my good friends changed schools twice for her kids for social reasons, and it didn't make a bit of difference. Well, it did a little bit for the daughter because there were fewer mean girls, but when it came down to it her kids just didn't fit in with the group mentality and always stayed on the fringe.
And that's not always a BAD thing, you know?
If your daughter is content and the school is good in every other way I would stay and see how things go next year. A LOT can change (or not) in 12 months.
If her current school isn't amazing in any way, it still won't hurt to try another school. It doesn't sound like she will be losing much at her current school.
We make our best guesses, but most things are only apparent in hindsight. Changing schools in 2nd grade isn't the worst thing in the world.
i think you're too reactive.
when she comes home and shares something difficult or sad with you, i think your response should be to listen carefully, ask questions, help her work through it. not start rearranging heaven and earth to make the challenge go away.
your daughter sounds as if she's regretting sharing her struggles with you because it's caused you to plan a huge upheaval that she dreads.
i think you should step back, do less, say less, listen more.
khairete
S.
I don't think you are the first person to blow hot and cold on issues of your childs best interest and well being. I have blown hot and cold on common core math, on homeschool vs. full time school. I was going to have no problem taking my daughter out of our current school to homeschool next year because she didn't seem to have friends. She even said "i don't have friends". I raised the issue with teacher who reported back that, "they all just play together." Then one day, so and so is her best friend and she's asking for play dates. Huu? when did this happen? FYI also 1st grader. Things shift.
This is my conclusion on the matter. I don't have a crystal ball. I can research schools all day long, but at the end of the day, only one guy knows what the best decision is for my kids and which schools or programs to send them to. And its no small thing. Its a huge thing- its their peers, their influence, their education! You are helping shape a coarse for your daughter. But really, how can we know? We can't. Give it to God and ask him to open and close doors. I know you mentioned that you were Christian. I also am doing the same thing. My debate is homeschool vs. full time school. We're in the same boat sista! This is Gods' decision, I'm just along for the ride. (this does not mean I don't do my job to research, ponder, ask questions or advice. It means I put it to prayer and know God will put on my heart what we should do).
I have seen kids in toxic social situations thrive elsewhere. So don't let anyone make you think that you're just running from every problem. But by all means get a third party opinion. Ask the teacher to observe.
My take is she knows she's leaving and it doesn't bother her anymore. I bet if you told her that she was staying the pooh would hit the fan again.
My concern is what happens if this occurs at the next school? Have you spoken to the teacher? Has anything been done to help your daughter socially? If not, I would also start working on that as well. Good luck! Its not easy being the Mommy. =)
Ask yourself: What will you do if the same pattern happens at a new school? Will you move her again?
I have to agree with Heidi H about pray for some answers.
I choose to homeschool because I know it was the best choice for us. My daughter did well in a small school, but was picking up so many bad habits even though it was a Christian school. I wont even consider a public school with common core and the ridiculous amount of testing.
See how it goes the next couple of months and see how she feels at the end of the school year. Maybe make a list of pros and cons with her.
She is probably not bothered by it because she sees a light at the end of the tunnel. She knows her parents have her back, and are trying to find a school she will like better. So she is able to accept the mean behavior of the other kids, knowing it won't last forever. Definitely continue on with your plans to move her. Your instincts are right on.
my son complained for weeks about a particular kid and some issues at recess. every single day.. he had a story about this kid.. I talked to his teacher.. I was about to talk to the principal.. when my son came home and said that he is now friends with this kid...
Are the teachers at her school good warm caring .. is it safe and a good learning environment??? does she have extra activites or neighbor kids to play with?? if she has other social outlets I would stay in a good school..
It's a pretty big decision and it really depends on how bad this is for your daughter. I hate to see any kid really struggle. I think at times we need to help kids learn how to cope with situations. Sometimes that's a huge lesson and will serve your child well. Other times, if a child is being bullied and no one is doing anything, I think intervention is required.
I can't really get a sense of what is going on here because it sounds like she's just not playing with the other kids. However, at our school, the little ones often just run around. They don't really sit together at lunch so much as who ends up where.
A lot of the buddying up part comes a bit later - in my experience. And friends change weekly at times.
My kids tend to be pretty easy going about it. I'm sure I've been more concerned than them at times, and I have to watch that my stress or concern doesn't bubble over to them. Because they are far more ok with stuff - us protective moms sometimes do make a bigger deal than is necessary. We love our kids right? and just want the best for them.
If you're not sure what to do, my mom always says wait a week. See how you feel. Sometimes the break (and don't think about schools or talk about it) will clarify things. It's funny how that works.
Good luck :)
I would move her. This is an age where they are learning to deal with different social issues and I wouldn't be okay with what your daughter is facing. I wouldn't think twice about it. If the new school doesn't work out either then she could always go back. But I wouldn't want my kid being miserable.
