Should I Tell Boyfriend's Parent We Will Be Out of Town for a Week?

Since they have been dating a year, it is about time you met each other. I would try to have a place to meet and get to know each other, at least for coffee. You have lots of time before you go away. Maybe you could have them for dinner sometime later after you have met them at least. Then you could mention that you are going away for a week and the kids are staying home, how they take that or what they do is up to them, at least you have mentioned it to them.

Your daughter has been dating this guy for a year and you've never had as much as a conversation with his parents? It's time. Who cares if your daughter feels awkward or mad at you. Is she a dependent on your tax return? Does she still count on you for her support? I'm assuming that when she goes away to college that you're helping pay, she drives your car, you pay for her cell phone, etc.? When she's prepared to pay her own way and get an apartment that's when she gets to decided about everything in her life.

At this point I would definitely call the parents - you're right - about a month before you leave town. As another person wrote - while you trust the two kids you jsut want to help them avoid a difficult situation and you want them to be aware of where his son may want to hang out. You'll get one of two reactions - either thanking you for the heads up and appreicating your concern for these two kids, of a bewilderment as to why you're calling them. I have met a number of parents who've already thrown up their hands and given up by senior year with the thought that their kid will be at college in 6 months and can do whatever they want - so what does it matter now? I reject that position - you're the parent who should have the wisdom of the years you've been on the earth - use it for the good of your kids.

Also - BTW - since you have a 19 yo son assume that your kids will have a party at the house while you're away (they might not - but that would be a slim chance). So if you have a few close family firends who don't mind taking a drive by the house, or a nieghbor you trust, or parent's of your son's friends, I'd do the same "notification" to them. You're not only helping protect your kids, but also your property and legal liability.

Studies of the developing brain show that adult processing and executive processes are not fully developed until somewhere around 21-23 - so you can't really expect that they'll be making decisions like an adult right now. So while they're living in your house, using your financial resources and you are legally responsible for them you have to do what you need to do to protect them and yourself.

They have been dating for a year and you've never met them? Yes, I would let them know simply b/c you will have three unsupervised teens at your home and if something happens you will kick yourself for not being the adult and informing the other set of parents.

Of course your daughter is mad... and it does "imply" something- the fact that your house rules are in effect whether or not you are home. Why doesn't she want you to reach-out to them? I wouldn't be overt about this... just call and say how much you enjoy their son (if you do) and that you wanted to let them know that you will be out-of-town for a week. You are just letting them know so that your daughter knows that there is someone available should she need anything.

When my older son was in high school, he was competing in martial arts competitions. He became eligible to go to an important out-of-town event, and he was invited to go with the national team. How exciting was that?! He was sixteen. The national team men were older - some in their twenties - and, as polite as they were to me, I was quite aware that this group did not have a great reputation outside the competition arena.

I wrote the team captain a letter (that's how long ago this was) reminding him that they would be in charge of a high school boy and that I was sure they would take the responsibility seriously. My son was so mad you could have heard the explosion from here to North Carolina!

Months later, he "mentioned" that a couple of times the older guys were talking about doing certain things in their free time, and the captain would say, "No! We have ___ (my son) with us!"

So go ahead and call the boy's parents. Introduce yourself and tell them how much you like their son. They'll surely be glad to hear it. Let them know you're going out of town. Let your daughter (and son), as well as the parents, know that your house needs to be off limits to any and all company until you come back (yes, even at your children's advanced ages). That way it's just a house rule, without any suspicion cast upon the boy! Maybe this will be an opportunity for the boyfriend's parents to invite her to their house and get to know her.

Let your daughter also know that this is just part of your job, and that the boy's parents will not think any less of her for it (the boy won't either, once he gives it some thought).

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I would make a "no girlfriends/boyfriends at the house when the parents aren't home" if you haven't already!
And I probably would call the boyfriends parents just to make sure they are aware of the rule and of the fact that you will be away from abc to xyz....

It's time you meet them anyway.

I realize she's 18 and she may be sexually active but that has nothing to do with the fact that you don't want her BF there when you're not.

It would be nice to touch base with them regardless if your daughter has dated him that long. They would appreciate you making the first move even at this late date, and they ABSOLUTELY need to know you will be out of town for a week, or it's a secret lovers retreat for your kids, which is why they want to keep it a secret. Sure, it's AWKWARD (only for the kids) to have you imply something may happen, but really, they just want to be left alone together for a week. Which his parents may let them do anyway, but they shouldn't be left in the dark that their son is in a parent-less house. If they find out later you are going, or went and didn't say anything, you will look bad. It's only showing them respect to let them know. There is no down side to it.

"Hey, guys, this is Suzie's mom, how are you? just wanted to tell you, Bob and I will be out of ton the week of X"

What's the problem with that? Would you be mad if they called you to tell you that if your daughter was always over there? No. You'd be grateful.

I don't think it's your responsibility to discuss your travel plans with his parents, esp if you don't have a relationship with them. As with most parenting issues, I think it's your job to lay down the ground rules for your kids. Whether or not they follow them is up to them. If you are concerned about your house, parties, etc. maybe you can talk with a friend or neighbor about keeping an eye on the house (not the kids). She can report back to you when you get home, or if there's a crazy party going on, call the police to check on things for you.

As for overnight visitors, you can't stop that. If your daughter is growing up, this is just something you're going to have to address with her. The reality is if she wants to sleep over or have her boyfriend over you can't control that when away on vacation or when she's out of your sight. Plus, if she's going off to school next year, she's going to be making these decisions for herself too.

I know it's hard to "let go", but I really do think that other than discussing your expectations with your kids, there's not a whole lot else to do.

Your daughter and her boyfriend are legal adults. If sex is on their agenda, I'm sure that, in a year of dating, they have found opportunities for it.
I see no reason to inform anyone other than the people looking after the house (your kids) of your plans.
When my husband and I would go away for a weekend, we allowed my 17-year-old to stay by herself. We told her, "Don't do anything that's going to cause the neighbors to call the police or the landlord to charge us for damages."

I would. They will respect you for this also. If their son says he's staying by a friends house that weekend they will think twice before saying yes. Most kids have parties at this age when parents are gone. I would also have family members check in on them for sure.

I would say you call them up and meet them since they have been dating a year already and I'm sure they would like to know that you will be out of town. It doesn't have to imply something...

Are your kids in high school or college? They are adults.
I would do what you always do. "I trust you to continue to respect the values and expectations of this family while we are gone".

"You are adults, so I do not have to remind you of those rules they still stand even though we are not here. . Also we do not want any parties here while we are gone. It is a liability to our homeowners insurance. "

You set high expectations and they will honor them. That being said, you could call the boyfriends parents and let them know you will be out of town and if daughter needs help or gets frightened could they be her "in town contact?".. This way they know you all will be gone, but it does not sound like you do not trust the kids..

Why not have them over for dinner? Get to know them. Wouldn't you like to know what type relationship models this boyfriend has in his parents? Then later or even over dinner you can talk about your vacation.

Parents sometime have to do things that kids dislike, that is what makes us parents. The question to ask is are you ready to be grandparents or raise another baby? If the answer is no, you have some boundaries and discussions ahead of you.

I think it is a common courtesey since he does spend a lot of time at your house for the parents to be aware of the situation. AND I don't think it is strange you haven't met the parents. You daughter isn't dating his parents LOL!

Nothing odd about picking up the phone and saying "Hi Sue and bill. We love having J over at our house. He is plesant, gentleman, etc. I also just wanted you to know that this next week hubby and I will be out of town. So if J comes over there will be no adult there. I don't know what your guidelines are and I just wanted to be open about it."
OR "we have told our kiddos no friends over, so daughter might be spending more time at your house."

Good luck. I think It is less about "improrpriety" than it is about safety and security of your home and those in it:)

Absolutely! FWIW, I think you're totally insane to leave an 18 and 19 year old alone for a week. Not a chance in hell I would ever do that. When I was the same age as your daughter, my boyfriend's parents went away for a few days. He had to stay at a family friend's house during that time, which was very prudent IMO. Even with him staying with someone, we still managed to sneak in plenty of "alone time" at his house. If my parents knew they were out of town, that might have been more difficult.

Even if you're kids are "good kids" who know the rules, having an empty house at that age during the summer is just asking for trouble. There will be a party at your house, guaranteed. Might be just a few friends, might be an out of control bash you just don't know. I would get a relative to stay at the house while you're away.

And you really should reach out to the boy's parents and introduce yourself. It's kind of odd that you all haven't made an effort to meet yet, better break the ice later then never.

Meet them sooner, since you're not going away until summer. Then, a few weeks before the vacation, tell them you'll be gone.

Tell your daughter your expectations while you're away and hope that she follows them.

Right now, are you always home when your daughter is there with her boyfriend? Do his parents think/expect you to always be there?

I would try to have some interaction with them before hand. My daughter is almost 18 too & although I trust her I have worked in a great relationship, gradually, over the course of the past 5 months that she has dated her boyfriend, so that if needed I wont run into this. Good Luck

Telling your daughter's boyfriend's parents is a good idea, but why don't you make the effort to meet them and interact. that will (may) eliminate the awkwardness that you are likely to feel if you wait until just before you go away. If you do wait, the implication is that you are worried about the two semi-adults behaving themselves while you are gone (which you are, of course). Just because your daughter is going off to college does not mean that the relationship will end, and it can't hurt to establish a relationship with the parents.

if there had been no prior contact with them, i wouldn't do so over this. discuss with your kids what your expectations are and assume that they will comply.
if your kids can't be trusted to do as you ask, it's too late to fix it now. and having the bf's parents do parent duty won't help either.
if they were folks i knew even slightly it would be different, but i'm with your daughter, getting in touch with them JUST to tell them you'll be gone smacks of looking for a babysitter.
khairete
S.

If you like, just invite them over for coffee or drinks and a snack, a 'get to know you" sort of deal. You can discover a lot about people in a short amount of time, but focus on the 'getting to know them' aspect more than the "I'd prefer if your son wasn't over here when we aren't".

I think it's a fine line between parenting and meddling, (which it sounds like how your daughter might be looking at it), when kids are of such an age. My parents were the opposite-- very removed-- so I appreciate where your care and concern come from. Another option would be to have a heart to heart with both of your kids and make a plan that feels good for everyone.

Me personally, when my son gets old enough to date, I will be sure to meet his steady's parents as soon as I see a real relationship forming. Invite them for lunch or out to coffee. It's just good sense.

I sooo "get" your heart!!! When my daughter left for college I started out with specific boundaries and expectations that I told my daughter I expected her to honor. We have a very open relationship and one thing I told her was that I wanted her to text me everynight when she arrived home safely no matter what time it was. She will be 23 and she still does that for me. She protested at first and my friends even told me I was unreasonable but about two years ago... I saved a text from her telling me thank you for loving her enough to make her text me every night and that she loved me to the MOON!
Sometimes our gut instinct is right on. By the way all those moms that said I was so overprotective have since cried to me that they haven't heard from their kidlets for days or weeks. I say set up your expectations with your daughter and tell her you want her to check in with you.
If you were friends with the boyfriend's mom, & had regular conversations where you could nonchalantly mention being out of town I might try to but since you have not met, I think it would be awkward for all of you unless you called them up and said you wanted to invite them to a BBQ when you returned from your trip! (Manipulative? yes. lol.) Other than that, like you said...she will be going off to college without your supervision and you need to trust that the foundation you have formed will hold her up... just let her know your wishes and tell her you are trusting her.

Have a casual BBQ before then and invite the BF's parents. Mention in general conversation that you are excited to be taking a couples vacation this summer for a week. It tells them without implying anything.

Either way, I would be sure they know it if you do not allow the boyfriend to be there when you are not.

If it was my son (I have a 17 yr old) I would want to know. I have a rule that when I'm gone, my son is not to have friends over, male or especially female. Certainly, even if they are not sexually involved and have vowed to wait, even couples with the best of intentions can give into temptation when alone. But most teens don't have the best of intentions to begin with, especially teen males. Of course, once they are in college you won't have a any control over their activity. But as long as she is living in your home, you make the rules.

they have dated for a year and you have never met?!?! call them up and have them over for dinner a few times before you go then tell them. if you dont want them hanging out alone then they need to know. even tho shes 18 your house your rules.

It sounds like it is about time for you to meet them! I'd lay some ground work now, then by summer, you will have at least had conversations, so it won't seen awkward that you would mention you'll be out of town.

Maybe I am on the outskirts here, but adult or not, if your daughter is still living under your roof and you are still paying for her expenses, you have the right to have expectations for your household. If you don't want her having sleepovers while you are gone, tell her that is the house rule.

BTW, the scenario you described above is the exact way I lost my virginity!!! Just something to think about...

I'd say something just to cover your butt--just in case.

I think it's high time for some interaction with his parents! They've dated for a year and you've never really met them? Invite them over for dinner one night, soon. Get to know them. Then you can casually mention that you'll be gone later, when you're "acquaintances" and not strangers.

I wouldn't have been allowed to have a boyfriend over, alone, in my parents' house. The temptation would have been too great. Especially if they know you'll be gone for a week. If they're already sexually active, it's still dishonoring you and your house if they move the sexual activity under your roof while you're gone.

Whether you need to involve the other parents is another question. Are they allowing their son to come to your house because they know you're there, and think you're chaperoning them? Or would they not have a problem with them being alone in your house? If it's the latter, you may not need to tell them at all, because he is an adult; and you would just need to tell your daughter that you don't want her to be at your house alone with him. If they think you're keeping an eye on them, keeping them from being tempted to go to bed, then, yes, I think it would be good (after you've become acquainted) to casually let it drop that you're going to be out of town for a week, and you've asked your daughter not to be alone in the house with him, per your house rules [if such is the case], so they "shouldn't be surprised if they spend more time together at your house more that week," or something light like that.