Short & Sweet

I know it may sound silly to do this, but I am a "yes" person as well. What helped me is to write a little something on a 3x5 card and keep it in front of my phone, car and refrigerator. It says: I have the right to say NO and not feel guilty about it. Saying no sometimes, takes care of myself and my family. It is NOT selfish to say NO. Everyone is responsible for their happiness and their own family. Let them figure it out by themselves.

Then, when I get a phone call and I know that someone will ask and expect me to do something....I get out my card, read it and then say. No, I am sorry that won't work for me. Keep repeating this until the other person "gets it". It really helps!!!! GL

M

Just because you are a compassionate person does not mean you can't say "no". Part of being a "caring" person is taking care of yourself and your family first.
You sound like you are mentally prepared for your new more independent life, it's very easy to just say no, once you do it a few times you will feel so much better.
Think of yourself as a "hoarder", you hoard doing things for others. You have to meet a healthy balance. You can help some of the people some of the time but you cant help all of the people all of the time.

I, too, am a 'yes' person, and it can really get you taken advantage of! I am currently working on saying "I'll let you know" instead of "yes"...I figured going from being a yes sayer to a no sayer is a pretty big leap to take all at once, so I created a middle ground and decided to get comfortable there. I have found that by the time I get ready to say no, the askers have usually already found someone else to say yes anyway, which makes my no a LOT easier to say, lol! Good luck to you :)

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As a former people pleaser I will tell you the first time is the hardest. Each time you say 'no' or stand up for yourself or your kids it gets easier. I am at the point where I really do not do anything that I don't want to do and it feels great! Maybe it comes with age....I really just don't care what people think about me anymore.

I have found great solace in a few good reads, to help me with my problem that I care most about everyone except me!
Codependent No More
When Things Fall Apart
The Four Agreements
When I take care of myself first, I am better at saying no, setting boundaries, and giving my own family what they need. I run and do yoga, but I know that's not for everyone. I also love to read, I go to bed early, and I make sure I get enough sleep. I wish you and your family the best.

Hi Gerri,

I want to take a leap here and ask you just one question to noodle on: Is it that you love pleasing people, or are you afraid of disappointing others, and is it this fear behind your 'yes'es? I've been there before, a long time ago. I have a sibling who has also had to work through the same thing, as well as being 'allowed' to be angry. These aren't easy things. We become resentful about our Yeses when we don't really want to do those things we are asked to do.

I like the idea of writing out some of your 'life parameters' (schedule, own obligations) and using that as your barometer in feeling 'okay to say no'. I'd also make sure to factor your Self in. Your plate sounds very full, and it's okay to say no if your heart just isn't in it or you find yourself just needing a break. You aren't a robot, programmed to serve others with 100% compliance, you are your own person.:) Some people who might rely on you more than they should will need to adjust their expectations.

Oh my! You really have a lot going on in your life right now. I know what you mean about being a people pleaser - I'm a card carrying member myself. I don't really have any advice for you except to say that these people are not your friends. How self absorbed are these people?!?! Not only should they not be asking you for favors right now, they should all be rallying around you and helping YOU. They should be driving your kids to and from school; not the other way around! Please listen to your husband and "just say no"! The people who are truly your friends will understand (or not ask in the first place!) and the others can kiss your asparagus plant!!! (Loved that line!) :D

You can still be caring and say NO.

I'm sorry you have sooo much on your plate right now. I will pray that your husband's cancer is irradicated and you will be able to live a long, happy life together.

Give yourself a schedule and know what you can and cannot do. If someone asks you to do something and your calendar is either clear or you will be in the same place - you can make the decision to yes or no. it's OKAY to say NO. Promise! it doesn't make you any less a people pleaser....this time - instead of pleasing a boat load of people - you might be pleasing your family!!!

It will take baby steps to say no. But YOU CAN DO IT!!! It does NOT make you a bad person to say no. DO NOT let yourself be someone's door mat!

I'm sorry there are so many sad things going on in your life. I especially identify with your tire/spare tire story - which happened to me just a month ago at 11:00 one night.

You sound exhausted! (I wonder why.) :^)

It is a good thing to have a servant attitude - which is different from having a slave attitude. It is good to want to help others. Slaves feel they have to. Servants want to.

It is not such a good thing to serve others so that they will like you. This is not where your value really comes from. I imagine your friends like you for reasons you're unaware of... and doing what everybody calls on you to do is NOT one of them. Your mother was right, but caring people are not the same thing as "people-pleasers." Not by a long shot.

You have a great opportunity now to think about how to do things differently. I suggest that you be too busy for anybody but your family for a little while.

Then start thinking. If you say yes to every little thing somebody asks you to do, you're saying no to a lot of things that might be more important. You may be "sacrificing the important for the urgent," as the saying goes. So save your yesses for the occasions when you know they're absolutely right and necessary. With a little practice you'll recognize those times. But you have to learn to say no first.

You can think about becoming known as the lady who doesn't say yes to everything but who genuinely cares and will help in ways that SHE can manage. At one time I was in a position where going to meetings, etc., was very time-consuming and difficult for me, and I'd say, "I don't do meetings, but call me if there's something I can do to help right here at home." It is also permissible to say, "Not this time - I have as much on my plate right now as I can handle."

You can still care, but put boundaries around it. Aside from a sour word or two from a few (and everybody gets those!), you'll find that you are just as pleasing to others, and perhaps even more genuinely helpful.

You get what you give - so based on this message - you should be receiving in 10 fold shortly!

Please don't disregard your kind nature - yes - it sometimes feels like you are being taken advantage of - but overall - kindness and a willingness to give of yourself is a total virtue.

Be proud of who you are and give AS YOU SEE FIT. That doesn't mean to anyone that walks up and asks - but use some discretion and give when you know you can, it will be appreciated and within your own constraints.

I hope things pick up for you. ;-)

I think you would find this book really helpful =o)

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/d...

Best wishes!!!

A caring person is not the same thing as a people pleaser. And since when does being a caring person doesn't get you anywhere? Don't confuse being a caring person with being a doormat.
I think your issue is more about boundaries.
Good luck!

Oh sweetie... I don't think it's so much that you're a people pleaser that's getting treated like limp overcooked asparagus but that life is sort of giving you so much to have to handle right now. With your husband being sick and then having stressful event after stressful event it's got to be difficult to see the bright side in anything right now. Even the things that you intentionally fill your time with... the things that maybe you chose so that you wouldn't have to think about the things that are stressing you out so much.

We're taught early on that doing things for others feels good. I enjoy doing things for others just for the sake of it... but it's not true altruism because I get something out of it too. How good it feels, even knowing I won't get anything in return. It's hard for me to say "no" too but I've learned that if I feel anxious about the being asked, then I HAVE to say no. If my mind is racing for an answer, then it's "no." I've started keeping track of things better in my online calendar and limit things to three a week if possible, and no more than one a day. And when I say "no" I have no problems saying, "I'm sorry but I just have too much on my plate right now. I don't have room in the calendar."

But I've also learned to ask for help when I need it. There's no shame in it. I say you should clear your calendar except for what YOU and your family need right now. Let people know when they ask you to do something that now isn't a good time. And don't offer to help until you really feel up to it. But ASK FOR HELP. People won't help you or know you need it unless you ask. I learned that the hard way.

I commend you for being such a compassionate person. I remember telling my husband once feeling similar.. "The saying The nice guy always finishes LAST is SOOOO true." He looked at me and told me.. "Well, how would YOU feel being the 'mean' guy?" For me, I am the same, always feeling bad for saying no... When I do help some one, or give of myself in some way, I do it for me. Peroid. I do it because I can, because I want to. Once I do, I take all expectation out of what I am doing and leave it at that. Although it would be amazing to see some kind of kindness form the people I can help, I don't expect it, therefore I can never be disappointed when it doesnt happen.

There is a rainbow at the end of the tunnel!~ You will find a great rental and your girls will love taking the bus! Most important, your hubby will make remarkable recovery! At the end of the day.. life is good!

I was raised to be a people-pleaser, too, and have a natural instinct to help and care for others, so, getting in over my head was a common thing, lol!

I had to learn to say I was sorry, but that I couldn't help and put myself and my family first, but it was so hard to do. What did work for me was saying, "I'll have to check my schedule (or my husband) and get back to you," which gave me time to come up with a way to say "no" gracefully. After a while it didn't feel so bad to say I was sorry but couldn't do it, until it became natural for me to do so up front. I still love to help others, but now I can help where and when I feel I won't get overwhelmed, and no one thinks any less of me.

People have already given you good advice here, I want to add one more:
you need to start to ask people for help, every week ask someone to help you and your family so that you have more time for you or for your family. I'm guessing you never or rarely ever ask for anything! and I'm guessing there are people in your life who would be willing to help someone as nice as you in some way IF you ask. but since you never ask... it becomes you always helping those who ask and not a two way thing of people helping each other. In this day and age of nuclear families, and busy mothers WE NEED to help EACH other. Maybe I'm wrong and everyone you know is selfish. But maybe instead of you no longer helping people you just need to make it a two way street by asking for help.

I am so sorry about your husband, you have a lot on your plate with your own family. It doesn't make you a bad person to say NO. It has taken me years of therapy to finally figure out that I can say no and how not to feel guilty. You really find out who your true friends and relatives are when you need help. Focus on your husband and your family and I think the little note card idea is a great thing to do. Just keep saying over and over again to yourself it's ok to say no. We have to hear or read something more than once before it sticks with us. Good Luck and hugs to you and prayers going out for you and your husband.

Ahh my heart goes out to you!!! You have the best excuse ever- Your husband has cancer and your plate is really full now. Also when somebody asks you to do something say" I will have to discuss that with my husband". People will continue to take advantage of you until you stop it. Don't worry about being liked- it is time to put your family and yourself first.

Your post is a little vague to me. So, what is it that you feel you are getting used for in this instance? Unless I am not reading it right...I am not getting it exactly.

I do get the pleaser thing, however. I am the same way. It really is a function of how you were raised to exert your manners.

You need to learn how to set boundaries for yourself. I was just googling "how to set boundaries with friends" this morning and was able to find a few websites that really gave some good advice on how to begin this process.

Sometimes it takes a day like yours to make you realize, ya just can't do it
all. I like your husband. Sounds like he has a good sense of humor!!
I will keep your husband in my prayers. In the meantime, take a deep
breath and try to relax. I know easier said than done.

Gerri--It sounds like you have a big need to do something for others, and ther's nothing wrong with that! Why not just try to remember that the 'others' you need to do things for are your own family, and when you get overextended taking care of other people's responsibilities, there's less of you for the ones who need you most. Therefore, saying 'no' is really not ungiving, it's just giving to those who need it most. Amazingly, you'll find that the users do ok without you--they'll just find another soft hearted soul to victimize.

Begin with baby steps, if anyone asks you anything, don't let yes be your first reply. Learn to delay your response. Give yourself an opportunity to see if this is something that fits into your life and schedule. My husband lets me use him as an automatic out. He says I should always defer things and people to him by saying either let me check with my husband on our schedule or you have to ask my husband because he keeps the schedule on that matter.

I'm the one that keeps the schedule and my husband understands that if I have directed someone his way it is because I just didn't feel like telling the person no myself.

Success in life comes from balance. Try to cut yourself some slack and add yourself to the list of important people. Your needs and desires matter too. Try to find the balance.

I suffer from a similar complex, and eventually I grew to be resentful of trying to be helpful to others when either A) I rarely had reciprocating offers to be helped by others or B) I couldn't bring myself to ask others for help when I needed it.

I decided the best way to take control of the situation was just that: take control. I evaluated my priorities for my family and myself and decided which efforts on my part supported those priorities best. Then I proactively contacted those people who grew to depend on me (because I allowed them to, I realized) to inform them that I've had to make changes in how I allocate my time and that I would no longer be able to car pool, babysit, run an extra errand, etc.

In short, I set new boundaries. Of course, I left open the possibility of helping out in TRUE emergencies, but I actively discouraged people from believing that I could be dumped on anymore (because that's how it began to feel to me). They stopped asking, and I didn't have to struggle with always saying NO. True friends will understand your circumstances, and if they don't then they are not true friends and you shouldn't spend your precious time on them to start with.

Good luck and best wishes to you and your husband in this trying time.