Managing My People Pleaser Reflex

I have a bit of a people pleaser complex too and here's what has worked for me. First, before I hover over my husband, I ask myself if it's something I'd want him to be doing for me. For example, it makes me happy if he offers to make me lunch if I'm busy. But if I say no and he keeps offering things -- a cookie? water? help doing that project? is the house too warm? then it starts to annoy me. I try to stop myself from veering into that annoying territory.

Sometimes people become people pleasers because they don't feel worthy of their partners love. Like, you feel that you have to keep working hard or else he'll stop loving you. Or you've been conditioned to behave like this. Either way - a good therapist can really help you work through it. It doesn't mean you have a major issue, just something that a professional can help you work through.

Oh, sister, you are WISE to recognize this ancient habit manifesting itself in your current life. Just the fact that you're aware of it is a huge step in the right direction.

Is there a professional with whom you can talk? Even for a brief period of time, it can help.

Good luck - I can empathize.

I sounds lie you have so Co-Dependency issues. If you do some reading on this it might help you to identify your triggers and help you to relax a bit. You're afraid they'll leave you or be mad at you if you mess up....and guess what, you're human and not perfect no matter how hard you try.

It can also be very annoying to have someone there trying to second guess what you might want or need. They want you to be a partner not a maid or call girl.

So please find someone you can talk to or some books that make sense to you that will help you to feel more secure in your choices and how to overcome this. It isn't a happy place all the time is it?

It's called hyper-vigilance. I have it also but mine has gotten better with time. It is a self protective reflex that you developed during childhood. As a child you always had to survey a room, who was there, who was coming in ect -- what kind of mood they are in -- angry -- happy ect. This way you knew if you needed to run and hide or if all was okay

You can get counseling for this. I also recommend looking for books/websites to read, you will find a lot of help available.

Therapy.

Give your husband a heads up and then start being selfish. Just stop what you're doing cold turkey and do only what you want to do. Journal about how it makes you feel. A therapist can help you determine how and when to stop and then guide you through balancing it.

P., I'm so sorry you went through this earlier in life with your father. I have to say that I think you have the "name" of this all wrong. You aren't in "people pleaser mode". This is something else. You are trying to prevent your father from exploding - all the time.

There's a name for that, but I can't come up with it. I'm sure it's a psych term.

You are exactly right that it isn't healthy. It probably borders on a fight or flight response which floods our bodies with chemicals that eventually take their toll.

What I want to say to you is to go see a counselor about how to deal with this. You actually aren't feeling "safe" and you don't even realize it. You need to learn to feel safe enough with your husband to be able to relax.

You might be thinking I'm way out of the ballpark, but when you do go see a counselor, I'll just bet he or she tells you the same thing. It's great that you recognize that it has something to do with your father's behavior, but knowing it isn't enough.

I hope you'll go get some help. You deserve it (and so does your hubby!)

Dawn

I agree with Dawn, I don't hunk this is "people pleasing" per se....more like projecting your dad onto your husband.
My father was an alcoholic. You never knew how he was going to react, go off, etc. and like another poster, once I moved out was when I realized not everyone lived like that.
Have you read "Codependent No More"? Might apply, even if there was t an addiction issue growing up.

I used to but I don't anymore. I stopped at about the age of 18 when I got out into the real world and found out that not everyone does that.

I started working on only doing what I wanted to do.
Did I still do things for others? Yes but within reason.
I started saying no instead of feeling like I always had to say yes.
That was freeing.
I was no longer putting demands on myself or doing things I didn't really want to do.
Also, I wasn't secretly regretting that I had committed myself to doing something that I later resented.

In addition to that, it was never requited. Meaning I did for everyone else but nobody else followed suit. They said no and didn't do ANYTHING they didn't want to do.

You can, also, see a counselor to help you set limits and see that doing that is A-okay.

Never over extend yourself so you're doing something else for someone else (and they won't appreciate it as much as you think they will) while making yourself suffer.

Start trying it w/small things then you'll eventually see you will think FIRST before answering to someone else.