Of course he said no.
Cialis, condoms, lipstick all found in her husband's truck on different occasions over the past 5 years. She drives the truck when grocery shopping, taking all 3 kids out, etc. She said she didn't snoop around until after the 2nd discovery, but when she confronted her husband about the Cialis he lied and said it was a friend's. Then she found an envelope addressed to him at his company's address and that was the final straw. In the envelope was the invoice for the Cialis pills that HE ordered.
She asked me if I thought her husband was cheating and I said I didn't know only he could answer that. BUT deep inside I wanted to say what does the evidence tell you. I'm content with my response because I don't ever want to encourage anyone to end their marriage and later point the finger at me.
By the way, she is weighing her legal options and thinking about WHEN to move on considering she's a SAHM. There's a lot of planning she must do. I did advise her how to proceed (notes, facts, stay calm, and always put the kids first) because I'm going through my own divorce which is why she brought the issue to me.
How would you have responded to her question?
I am sooooooooooooo glad I took a neutral stance and put the onus on her to decide if he's cheating or not BECAUSE last night she went out partying with him and emailed me a picture. He looks serious, distant, and she is allllllllll smiles like there's not a care in the world.
So, she's definitely on her own because although she says she's fed up, she said the same thing after the 1st incident and turned around and had two more children with him. NOW here she is 3 children later and the same, if not worse situation. Again, she's on her own and that is exactly what I will tell her if she's brings another "cheating issue" to my attention because I don't ever want anyone to say I encouraged them to end their relationship.
Same as you did. Be supportive, but don't jump on the "he's a bum" bandwagon....even though it's sounds like he is.
Blessings.......
I would also tell her to look at the evidence and then leave it at that, then I would say that I'm here for you if you need support.
http://survivinginfidelity.com/welcome.asp
She should also use the above website for lots of support and information. There is also a board on there that she will find helpful in getting more solid proof. The best thing I can tell you to suggest to her right now is to drop the subject with him and gather evidence. Another key thing is she should should get a VAR and hide it in the truck to get more evidence on him.
I would encourage her to high someone to follow him and take photos. I would also encourage her to go visit a divorce attorney. Find out ahead of time regarding alimony and child support. He may have to pay her alimony if she has been a stay home mom. She has to protect herself and kids. If he owns his own business he could be hiding assets that she doesn't know about. If she files for divorce and he owns his own company, I would hire a forensic accountant to make sure that all assets are accounted for. Also, she needs to review their tax information. First, she needs to consult with an attorney. Information is knowledge. She has the upper hand right now with him. He thinks she is in the dark. When she is ready to make her move, she and the kids will be financiall secured and he will be screwed! I love a good plan!!!!
See this is where it is good to be the one who never pulls punches. I would have asked are your stupid, yes he is cheating!!! My friends are used to me so if they didn't want that answer they would never have asked me. :p
If you usually answer as you did then it was the perfect answer for her. Apparently she doesn't want to come to terms with this yet.
I would have said, "if you are asking MY opinion and if it were MY husband....yes, it sounds suspicious." I would tell her to get someone to follow him, check his phone records, check credit card bills, etc I would NEVER put up with that from a husband, especially with three kids! dirtbag.
I would have been honest. Friend's should, at the very least...be honest.
She kinda knows already. I doubt she was totally clueless when she came to you. She was feeling you out for support. I think you did perfectly. You haven't seen him do it, you only know what she knows. She's weighing her legal options and considering the planning it will take for her to leave, so she isn't blindly following him. And you have advised her on how to proceed, which is the support and help she needs. You did just fine.
I would have let her come to the conclusion that he is cheating. I would have said and or asked her questions about the facts that she stated and say write them on paper--and ask her what would you tell a friend if she came to you with the same information? By writing it down, she can gain more clarity--I think you did the right thing by staying out of it----you will serve her better by continuing to be a good supportive friend. Well done!!!
M
The evidence sort of speaks for itself, but she should confront him with it and feel out what he says. Only she knows if she can live with a cheater. Now that she's told you it makes it harder for her to stay in her marriage, as she wont want to be judged..... so be careful how you tread with your advice.
I suspect she realizes he is, but it's like getting into a cold pool--she's getting used to the idea slowly.
Your answer to her was perfect. You really don't know for sure if he was cheating, although the evidence was overwhelming!
This is unreal.
Gee, it is a plain as day.
How good of a friend is this????
She is in denial.
Wow, all the evidence. And his flimsy lies.
The poor woman.
She better get smart, get her ducks in a row, and research child custody per she has kids. There are different types of child custody. So she NEEDS to know that.
ie:
http://singleparents.about.com/od/legalissues/a/typesofcu...
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/types-of-child-cus...
This is sad.
Me- if she were a GOOD friend, I think, I would have gently, by using direct deduction, logic, citing evidence, and said that it 'seems' he is pretty much... but she needs to make sure. And just darn well ask him. Point blank.
And she should DOCUMENT everything, if/when, she gets a divorce and per her getting, custody etc. Later. If it gets to that point.
If that were me- well I would have gathered EVERYTHING in that truck, dumped in front of his face, and told him off. And that the NERVE he think I am that, dumb.
AND I would have taken PHOTOS, of all that stuff in the truck, too. For MY.... case and benefit.
Are you close friends?
If it were a close friend of mine, I'd be completely honest with her about my feelings. I would have told her flat out that yes, he's cheating.
"I'm sure there's a logical explanation for why he's a creep???"
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...it's probably a duck! I probably would have told her what I really thought but she certainly has an opinion after FIVE years. I don't know if she feels trapped because she is a stay at home mom but I'm glad to hear she is looking at her legal options.
Just as you did. She needs to come to her own decisions about her marriage and it's best not to get involved at this point. Just let her know that you will be there for her no matter what.
