Questions for an Attorney

Have you ever heard of the book "the five love languages"i suggest reading that one and "hope for the separated" both by gary chapman

Try to work with a mediator. Unless one parent is abusive, everything is pretty standard when dividing up assests and custody.

You or he is not going to get anything out of the ordinary unless you prove he is an unfit father, etc. He needs to know this too b/c many people are so angry, or get a greedy lawyer who convinces their clients they can get "more". What happens is, the lawyers make a boat load of $$$ and the couple gets the standard divisions of assets and custody just like everyone els.

If he is controlling, I tend to think he has a temper. Let him cool down so he doesn't drag this on and try and fight you on everything. Like I said, the only winners in that case are the lawyers and the sooner he realizes that, the better.

I recently consulted an attorney about another matter and found that a 'consultation' basically is for them to decide wither they want to take you and how much they might charge. so don't be too disappointed if he doesn't answer many of your questions. He's going to want to hear your story and then time may be up...

M., LOVE IS NOT SOMETHING THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS FEEL. My parents divorced when I was 12. I relize now I would have grown to be a much more secure person and would feel so secure (even now - I am 30) to have mom and dad at home - Mom and dad who went through hard times but perservered.
Divorce should not be your first resort. But an absolute last resort if you or your girls are being abused.

It has been 12 years for me. But I wish I had made arrangments in the divorce decree about college. Now with our daughter 2 years away from turning 18, he feels like he is done when she turns 18. I would have never thought considering we are both college graduates, but I guess the lack of bonding over the years this is an effect.

M., I am 33 and my parents divorced when I was 7. The most important thing is think of the future. My dad died 4 years ago and he promised my mom he had a "Will" that the stepmom would not get everything he worked for in his whole life. He married 3 times after my mom. The lady he married 4 months before he died got his retirement and all his personel belongings. He knew her 4 weeks before he married her. He worked at the Postal Service for 35 years . I have fought the lady for 4 years in court and have spent alot of money. I guess I am saying make sure your girls are taken care of no matter what happens with the father. I would not wish what I have gone thru on anybody!!! Hope this helps you!! B.

Hi M.-

I've never been through this myself, but I was a benefits consultant for many years and just wanted to remind you to think about any benefits that your husband has through work that you are a part of. For example are you and your girls covered on his medical plan? If so you'll need to make arrangements for their coverage to continue under him or for him to pay all or part of the premiums if you get coverage elsewhere. Also, any 401k or pension that he has earned you would have a right to a portion of it. If he has life insurance ask about requiring that your daughters be named as beneficiary to make up for lost child support if he should pass away.

Good luck,
K.

Looks like most topics have been well covered...one thing I would ad is to make sure that if you and/or your children do not already have passports that you consider starting the process immediately. Both parents must sign the application for a minor child so if your husband won't agree be sure to put it in the divorce decree that in the future you will only need YOUR signature to apply for a passport for your children.

Soon passports are most likely going to be required even for domestic flights.

I would suggest that you also safeguard the childrens birth certificates, social security info, passports....keep copies at home and put the originals into safe keeping OUT OF THE HOUSE. In light of what you are currently going through you may think this sounds trival but it isn't.

I just read your post from 14th about your situation. In addition to what I outlined above, make a copy of your drivers license, stash some cash, get a credit card in your name only, spare car key, house keys, and give them to a friend...OUT OF THE HOUSE. When your husband blows (which he will) if he takes your purse you will be stranded. Without an ID (drivers license, passport, birth certificate) you and your children can not get on a plane.

Our daughter was also in an abusive marriage, we begged her for years to GET OUT. We sent her prepaid CC cards to keep for an emergency (he always ended up using them), asked her to do the same things I've outlined and she failed to listen. When he "blew" and beat her, and took her purse, she was literally out in the snow with 2 babies. No keys, money, id etc. We live 1000 miles away and could have bought her plane tickets immediately but guess what...she couldn't get on a plane without an ID. It took weeks to replace her and the boys documents. It is now 18 months later and she and her boys live with us and she is just beginning to understand how abusive her ex was. She gets NO child support because he immediately quit work, just another way he has tried to "control" her.

I went through a divorce and wished I had done somethings diffrent. Be sure and state that he helps pay half for extra cirricular activitys... and they continue with there lifesyle.. If they are in a private school etc. You have not worked until now so he pays house , mine did while I went back to nursing school.... One big advice don't let this beat you. Be the calm one and DO NOT PLAY the KIDS!!!!!!!! Good luck and Im sorry however the 2nd time around is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better!!!!! K. JAnik

Hi there M.,

I'm sorry you and your girls are going through this.

For you: (1) Make sure that your soon to be ex pays for ALL EXPENSES (daycare, extra curricular, mortgage, monthly bills, clothing allowence, etc.) through the duration of the divorce and maybe 6-12 months afterwards if possible. That will help ensure your children maintain their current lifestyle and give you time to get a full-time job and start earning a decent wage. (2) make sure that YOUR medical, vision, dental, etc. is also still valid through, at least, the duration of the divorce. (3) I'm not sure how long you were married; but ask if you qualify for spousal support after your divorce ends. (4) This is Texas (community property state). Ask for 50% of all assessets acquired during your marriage. However, if YOU received inheritence that is considered yours alone (not community property). Also if your used any inheritance money as a down payment on a home your ex may be responsible for paying that amount back to you. (4) Make sure you are NOT required to stay living in your current county and/or state. Also, make sure you have the right to take your children out of the country - think of future possible vacations. My sister just went through this one.

For the children: (1) Ex will be required to keep medical only on the children; but you can try to negotiate dental and vision (at least for the first 6-12 months). If YOU keep medical on them KEEP EXCELLENT RECORDS and make copies of all co-pays, medications, etc. and send them to ex. If I'm not mistaken, HE is responsible for all of that (you may want to double check on who pays for meds). (2) make sure he pays for 1/2 childcare expenses that does NOT come out of child support. Same goes for the extracurricular activities. Also try to include a clause that will allow $$ (maybe half) of future activities for both children. (3) standard visitation is the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend of every month plus every Wed. night (dinner hours only).

My advice is to try to take the emotion out of all negotiations. Keep a cool level head and honestly try to compromise with him. The only one to loose out when divorce gets bitter is the children. Now that doesn't mean you should ask for your fair share; but just don't put all of your cards on the table in the beginning. In the beginning I would ask for EVERYTHING possible, after all it's just the beginning of negotiations. From there you can compromise and negotiate. Good luck. I hope this helps.

M., I don't have any good questions, but I have a few comments. See what he charges and pray it's not too much. Attorneys are easily charging as much as $250/hr. If children are involved, and you anticipate a custody battle of any kind whatsoever, you can expect a hefty attorney's fee (some want a retainer of $10,000) because custody issues cost plenty. If your divorce is cut and dried, you just want him to draw up the papers, then he or she might not cost an arm and a leg. When I divorced, my husband agreed to a very small child support payment but I accepted it because he didn't have much of a job. We didn't have much in the way of assets, so that wasn't a problem either. If you and your husband have already agreed who gets what, you will have a much easier time of it. Same for visitation. There are routine guidelines for visitation. Have you discussed it with him? Are he and the children close? Can you keep the proceedings friendly? That will help a lot. You want to be sure you are the primary parent--you don't want joint custody, do you? A good lawyer should be able to tell you how the division of things will go. Does your husband make good money? That's key of course because you need to keep the house and you need a car. For that matter, he may pay for your attorney if he can afford it. Don't be greedy, though. Give him his stuff--split things up fairly--encourage him to see the children as often as possible, etc.

I'm sure during the free consultation the attorney will give you a pretty good idea of what to expect. You, however, should be prepared with a concrete list of assets (what is paid for, how much is owed on the house, etc.), concerns about the children, whether you want to stay close to your ex so he can see the kids easily. You want to work with him to make it as easy as possible for both of you.

I feel for you. Divorce is hard. Good luck. J.

Advice: make sure you have some money stashed away somewhere, cash. move debts out of your name if possible, credit cards, cell phone bills, expensive things you can not afford later. make sure you are covered with health insureace later, have an attorney award you exact amounts for retirement, stocks, etc. so if the stock market flucuates you have a set amount coming to you at the time of the divorce.

my attorney ecouraged us to use a mediator. this helped me tremendously. my attorny was able to choose the one she wanted which was to my advantage. you will need to have a strategy yourself and have a list of things that you want to have for you and your children. always think of the long term not just short term, here and now. make sure you get some of retirement, and investments.

Divorces are not any fun. My best advice is trust your attorney and listen to them. Your hubby being a control freak might make it tough. I started mine in October. My soon to be ex is a real jerk. i asked him to play fair and even tried my best to keep things fair. unfortunately, he's played games and stalked me since then. the worst part about it is what he's done to my daughter. hes been a very abusive.fortunatley, i think i am on the down hill slide now. i am with the love of my life and best friend, and i have my daughter full time now. so, good luck. keep your chin up.

M., First let me say that I'm so sorry you are about to enter this situation. I recently divorced and it was final 02/06/2008.

You need to write down all of your questions and take it with you so you don't forget to ask something. Also, take a pad of paper with you to take notes. It might even be a good idea to take somebody with you just to make sure you hear everything he says. This is very emotional and you want to make sure to get all of the facts.

I don't know if you are still living together or not but you can get temporary child support set prior to the divorce as well as health insurance for your children and also ensure he keeps you covered until the divorce is final. I asked for child support as long as they are a full time student, which extended it through college. Keep in mind if the child ever drops out of college even for one semester, child support would stop. I was awarded this. Child support is normally 20% for one child and 25% for two children. Keep in mind this is only the case if there are no previous children involved from a prior marriage. In Texas it is a calculation. You can no longer go into court and say, "Oh I don't want anything or just give me $100 a month cuz that is what my ex wants to pay". The judge will not do it to protect the child.

Also, I don't know how long you have been married but you might be entitled to spousal support.

If he has any children from a previous marriage or relationship that he pays child support on, he will need to know that because that affects your child support.

You will also need to discuss custody and visitation.

If you own your home, then you will also need to talk about that and what your options are. Make a list of major assets that might need to be divided as well.

Don't forget any retirement plans you or your husband may have. Texas is a community Property State so you are entitled to 50% as is he in the state of Texas. If either of you have this it requires what is called a QDRO (Qualified Domestic Relations Order) Some attorney's handle this and others don't. My attorney didn't do this so I had to hire another attorney to handle, which was costly.

Since this is a free consultation, keep to the facts. I know this is going to be emotional for you but you want to make the most out of your time with him.

Don't forget to take finances with you. In my situation, my ex was living in our home (with his girlfriend). My attorney put the home on him since I found out he had not paid the mortgage in almost a year and they were going to foreclose. This may not be your situation but in my situation since it was put on the ex in the divorce, When I get ready to buy another home all I have to do is show my divorce papers and they will adjust my credit score.

I hope this helps and wish you all the best. I never wanted a divorce and never saw myself in this situation but it happens to the best of us.

If there is any hope of saving your marriage, I strongly urge you to make the effort. There is a site you can go to that might help if you decide to go that direction. It's www.marriagebuilders.com It's very helpful and lots of people there to support you. Unfortunately it didn't work in my case but I have seen where numerous people have been helped.

Good Luck
Ginny

You need to be very clear with your attorney the visiting rights of your soon to be ex. Sometimes they don't seem to understand how fit your ex is to handle visiting rights un supervised. I only say this if your ex will put your children in dangerous situations, my ex would stay drunk and until he got a new wife who had kids I had to worry about them, and my attorney didn't understand my concern. Other than that a good attorney will help you iron out the kinks you may have not thought of.

Hi M.,
I am sorry your are having to go through this. Everything is going to work out, though.
I did go through this sadly enough when I had a five year old (now 21 and doing great!).
Our attorney handled the divorce in the interests of our child-what is best for her....for example neither of us could move out of our county until she was 18 years old...we would claim her as a dependent on our tax returns on alternating years, etc. Remember the love that you and their dad have for them, even though you and he have conflict between you.
Best wishes whatever you decide. D.

First off I am sorry for your situation. It is a tough one to be in but you will be OK. You may not think that now but a year from now you will look back and realize this was for the best.

My daughter just got a divorce and he has to pay 1/2 of everything, plus she got 12 months alimony, they put their house up for sale, with the equity they are to pay off their debt, each get $5000 cash to assist them in moving elsewhere and then the rest they split. He has to pay all medical and 1/2 of extra ciricular activities. He has to pay 50% of all out of pocket medical expenses which includes co-pays. The one advise I would give you though it to listen to what most have told you. You must get the emotion out of it. This is your future as well as your children. READ CAREFULLY the final divorce decree before you sign it and agree to all of it. My daughter did not do this and we were shocked to see a lot of things we had agreed on were no in there. I had asked her to let me read it prior to her signing it, but she felt it was no ones business and another set of eyes might have caught it. Now there is nothing she can do about it. The sad thing is the visitation. Though I realize a father should have a right to see his children, whoever came up with him having them every other weekend etc. to me was not looking at the children's point of view. Though my grandchildren love their father they are so tired of being transferred back and forth continually. When they are with him for 2 weeks in a row they call wanting to come home. They just want their own rooms and their own house. I think it is so sad but unfortunately there is supposedly nothing that can be done unless he is an unfit father. The best is if the two of you can be civil for the sake of the children and work together, but that doesn't always happen.
Good Luck and remember what Ginny told you in her response. Please make sure you take your written questions and another pad of paper to write down notes. Some attorney will not tell you much as they are right, they only want to see if they want your case and tell you how much money it will cost you. But a good attorney will take the time to answer your questions and help guide you in the right directions. Remember the least expensive is not always the best. You do unfortunately get what you pay for. For most attorneys who charge less they just go through the motions and don't really fight for you.

First and foremost you must look at this in a realistic manor for what is right and never allow emotions to enter into your decisions. Men are notorious for playing on our sympathy. You have been a stay home Mom and now back in the work force part-time. His income is going to go up while yours is just getting started. Proper division of assets with support for your children and livelihood and your place to live. As women we sometimes get caught up in the "oh wells" and give in and before you know it he is remarried have babies with a new house and all that goes with it--and here we sit. Carefully pray for what you believe to be fare and get it out in the table up front first in writing.

I remember that my attorney mainly asked me questions... I was a nervous wreck-- I kicked my ex out after I found he was cheating and I had 4 year old twin boys.. I was totally unprepared for an attorney.. I didn't have any questions except how much is it going to cost and when am I divorced....Good luck!!

Hi, Sorry for what you are going through. Mine was actually very easy but, it was agreed. TX is a community property state which means you are entitled to half of all money (incl his 401K) and assets. If you don't have health/dental insurance at work make sure he covers them fully. Make sure visitation is spelled out.Also you will have to take a parenting class, I took mine online that was the easiest way. Divorce is hardest on children but, please don't speak unkindly about him in front of your children or expect them to listen and handle adult issues it will make it better for all. My prayers go out to you. Good Luck!

Hi M.,

I don't have any legal advice for you, but wanted to mention that there is a class offered through Leisure Learning Unlimited (http://www.llu.com) that deals with what women should expect and how they should prepare themselves for a divorce and how to find hidden assets.

Hope this helps a little for peace of mind and future prosperity.

In Amazon sisterhood,
B.

I am sorry to hear about your situation, even though reading this sure made me think of my current situation. My husband is very controlling and I am not in love with him anymore, but just don't know how to get out. You want to make sure that you are taken care of and that your girls are taken care of, but most of all you want to be happy. I know I do.
Good luck and I hope that you can find the answers you are looking for. I pray everyday that God will shed some light on my situation!