Seeking Opinions

It's "too close for comfort" for me. I don't think a married man should be at all concerned with any woman's sex life except his own wife. Period. End of story. For one thing, if it's at work, he could open himself up to charges of sexual harassment; and whether at work or not, he is skating on thin ice, and it looks like it's pretty easy to move from "innocent" flirting and/or talking about her sex life into thinking about her, lusting after her, and then finally sleeping with her. Best to keep himself far away from the temptation, than to see how close he can get to it without falling in.

And as another commenter said, if the man's wife or children are made uncomfortable by the man's flirting, then it needs to stop out of respect for them, even if "nothing is going on." And, if the man wouldn't tell his wife or wouldn't want her to know, then that's a huge red flag that he knows it's not right.

Yes, I believe that is being way too familiar and is flirting, and possibly testing the waters to determine if the said females are "easy" enough to go for him. My FIL used to act like that in front of his family (wife and kids) when they would be eating out (to the waitress if she was attractive), or just when the kids were with him. It was humiliating for all. After he died, my MIL found his stash of love letters in the garage that he had kept from all his affairs over the years. Nice! Even if a man acts like that and doesn't have affairs (maybe only because he doesn't have the opportunity?), if it makes his wife or children uncomfortable or humiliated, that is reason enough to stop doing it. He should care enough about his wife to not do that, because it would bother any normal wife.

All that said, a GOOD man who is receiving all the love, affection and intimacy at home (with his wife) that he needs, doesn't go looking around for it and is considerate of his wife's feelings. A creep doesn't care how good he may have it at home, and there's not much point in staying with a real creep. But a good man who is getting his needs met at home doesn't go looking.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger has an excellent book called the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It would help both spouses - again, if the husband is a good man. If he's not, then it doesn't really apply.

YES. Its inappropriate!

I am not going to answer to the specific things you mentioned, because every relationship is different and what is ok for one couple is not okay for another. My husband and I are faily laid back about this kind of thing. He used to be in the military and I was often around other guys who were in our circle of friends when he was not around. We were definitely more flirtatious than some people would be comfortable with. But what we used as our "rule" or line that we wouldn't cross was this: If you can't tell your spouse what you have done, then it is wrong. If you have to hide any part of it because they wouldn't approve, then it's wrong. And if the spouse is uncomfortable with it, then it should be off-limits.

If your husband (assuming this is about your relationship) is making these comments and they make you or the girls on the receiving end uncomfortable, then they should be off-limits. Even if he thinks there is nothing wrong with it, but you don't like it, it is disrespectful to you. I bet lots of married men who have affairs don't think it's wrong, and I'm willing to bet their wives DO. So with my relationship, it was always more about what the spouse would think was wrong or was uncomfortable with. I don't know if this really answers your question, but I hope it helps.

That behavior is flirtatious and, when married, is wrong.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Is he ok with you flirting with guys in the same manner? Personally I think it's very disrespectful to you. He's married and off the market and should not be advertising like he was single. When I started dating my husband years ago, one of the first things I told him was, if you want to date other women, fine - I just won't be one of them. I made it clear I wanted a one on one relationship and if he wasn't interested in that then he needed to look else where and not waste my time. Your husband made his decision. Tell him if he wants other women, then he'd better be a man about it and divorce you before he gets involved with anyone else. Until then, you are the woman he chose and you should be the only woman he flirts with.

Hi B.,

Anything that makes you uncomfortable should be off limits! PERIOD! If you've asked him not to talk that way and he cares about you, he should respect the fact that maybe you're right and he's wrong.

My husband and I went around and around about a certain situation being harmless, until this particular woman came onto him. All of a sudden he realized I knew what that woman wanted from the beginning and he was not helping the situation. He now trusts me with EVERYTHING as I do with him about men. We can't get into men's heads anymore than they can get into ours. Make a deal with him that you will trust him if he will trust you. It can't hurt to try....

If he wants to talk to my husband, I'm sure mine would be willing to reinforce what I said!

Regards,

M.

I agree that every relationship is different and it is based on a comfort and respect level. However, I also agree that any reference to another woman's sex life is not something a married man should be talking about UNLESS the woman brings it up herself. Even then, I think it likely makes others in the conversation uncomfortable and is probably sketchy territory - but everyone is different. In a group of friends there is probably some leway with the joking - there are things that wouldn't offend me among close friends. However, for the most part I believe it is inappropriate. As far as the "Hey girl" and such, I really don't see anything offensive with that, especially if this is a term being used often, with most women. Or - is it only for those he is wanting to flirt with? My husband and I are laid back and I believe a little flirting is harmless (and actually beneficial....it makes him still feel desirable and good looking to others, even though he is not looking for anything) - but we don't specifically flirt with others about sex. Lastly - I also agree with the person who commented that anything that can be said/done in front of a spouse that doesn't cause discomfort to anyone involved.....

It is hard to tell from your post b/c I say "hey girl" to my friends and have male friends that may say that to me but if you are asking....it must be coming out in a way that we are not hearing from your post. If you think it is wrong then it is probably disrespectful to the woman he is referring to and to you as his significant other/wife. he sounds like a player and trying to be something he is not. He sounds like he is flirting and I think it is rude and disgusting. I would not want to be anywhere near a man who spoke to or about women in that way. It is one thing to joke around and have fun every once in awhile depending on how well you know the woman he is talking to but since you are writing, it must be an issue. Respect yourself and make him respect you too.

W.

In my opinion, I believe it is flirting. My ex-husband, use to joke with other women and say things. Like "girl" and laughing around with them. When he place his hand on one woman shoulder and push her. That showed personal, he was not single he was married. My Grandfather always told me to watch as well as pray. What's done in the dark shall come to the light. Women know when a man is flirting. Some choose to play it off. If a man had said thoes things to you and you were single and he was married it would make you feel very special maybe. The first time it would seem like a joke how could he say "you sly thing". Yes you would laugh it off. But the more he would keep saying things like that would make you feel we would have a chance together. So he would need to be very careful. Some women could read somthing out of that comment even if he were joking. So I would say talk to your man and let him know if it were me. Saying Thanks man in a kind of way that would turn men around and think twice. Tell him that it hurts you wheather he is flirting or he's not flirting. Just talk and pray about it, God can help you. I prayed and I finally had a talk with my ex after years, he apolized about it and told me he did do things in our marriage that he regretted. I knew it, and God made it possible to get my answer. So if you are married set a day aside to talk you don't have to make a argument just be real about your feeling. Let it be in a comfortable enviorment maybe a dinner at home with candle lights, but let him know before hand that's what you are going to do that you want to talk about your marriage. Sometimes men dont like to be cornered to talk. Try to remember the fun times you had while dating and try to keep the fire burning. Like my ex said you don't know what you had until it gone. God bless and hope it helps.

i would say not an issue to everything but the sex talk

This is a hard one, you have to consider not just what he is saying, but who he is specifically saying it to, and how he i saying it. For example my dad refers to females as girl and quite often says "Hey girl" or something similar. But he also says "Hey guy", regardless of who the person is. I answer the phone that way if I know who is on the other end. As far as the sex thing goes, that also depends on relationships (his to his significant other and his to the other female). My husband and I have a really good female friend who we joke about sex with and I have no (well extremely little just my basic insecurities not his problem)problems with it. She's just that type of friend. But if he jokes with other females he would be in a lot of trouble. Body language makes and personality also play a role in deciding if someone is flirty harmless or flirty harmful. Sometimes friendly is mistaken for flirty and vice versa. So you have to look at the whole situation or give more detailed examples that would make it easier to judge. One last thing; using the rule is probably the best method. If you can't tell your spouse its wrong.

I don't think you have anything to worry about as far as whether or not the husband would be interested in this woman. Any guy considering having relations with a woman would not joke around about how many guys she has been with. He is acting the same way around her that he would with a group of guys (How many times have men joked about their recent conquests?) My opinion is that he is only acting in a "friendly" manner with this woman.

However, as others have mentioned, anything in your marriage that you are not comfortable with needs to be discussed. He doesn't need to be ACCUSED of anything or made to feel like he is in trouble (that will only lead to an argument and defensiveness) but you can mention to him that you feel uncomfortable when such-and-such is said.

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