Seeking Advice for My Relationship from All Moms

Hi N. I have been married three times, men don't like to be given so much attention, they start to feel smothered. You have to back off and find something to do to occupy your time, give him something to wonder about. Give him a taste of his own meds don't show him any attention and he will be wondering why?!?!? I know you love your husband, but love yourself first and he will love you more. Show more love to yourself than what you show to him. Use reverse psychology, when he sits in front of the computer, get you a book or go take a bubble bath, stay away from him...act like he doesn't exist. If he doesn't come to see what you are doing,or check up on you in a day or two, then it's more to him being on that computer all the time?!?!?!?

Hi N.,

Have you tried talking to your husband about how you feel and what you want? If he does not seem receptive to talking try writing him a letter and telling him. Remember that men are not the same as women and they hear and feel things differently then we do. And no matter how hard we try, they cannot read our minds or even figure out what we want/need unless we tell them. Make sure that you tell him in a way that you are not putting him down. For me I find it works best if I tell him that I have a problem with..... and if I "help" him to help me solve the problem. Best of luck to you.

My husband used to act that way on occasion so I have some experience with what you're going through. Honestly, the best approach is to simply discuss it with him. It might sound like opening Pandora's box, but it's better to get things out in the open than to privately worry and wonder why things are different in your relationship. Just don't attack him for his behavior and try not to get defensive if his answers aren't what you were expecting. Explain that you're worried by his lack of affection and you need to feel more connected to him. Ask if there is something bothering him and if there's anything you can do to help him relax when he gets home. It's possible that you're at a point in your relationship where your husband is just comfortable enough that he doesn't feel the need to be affectionate with you all the time to reaffirm his love. He may not even realize that he's acting differently.

If you don't think he would respond well to an open discussion, you could try doing something special to spark his interest. You could plan a night out-- maybe something reminiscent of when you were just dating to remind him of those times when he was more affectionate with you. Referring to your comment about not making love for several days-- is it because he doesn't initiate it or is he refusing your request? If it's because he usually initiates, you could try being the aggressor. Maybe buy some sexy new lingerie and surprise him with it at bedtime-- or maybe when he comes home from work! That signal would definitely be hard to miss. :)

I hope that talking to him can get you back on the same page so that your marriage can thrive. Best wishes!

We all feel love diferently so your hubby may not know how to show you this love in the way that YOU feel it. For example, my hubby likes to be hugged and his hand held...I like to have little notes sent to me. We learned how to love each other in the language each of us would understand. There is a book called "The 5 Love Languages". It is amazing. The author also wrote "The 5 Love Languages of Children" and we plan on reading that too for our little guys.
It is an easy read and it may really help..it forever changed our relationship!
Good Luck!

Stop showing him affection, and stop doing nice "little things" for him. I've learned that the better you treat someone is the worse they treat you, and vice versa. Put your needs first. Life is too short to be unhappy. If you can't do that to him, get a dog, they are like having a constant baby around. Good luck.

Jen

I recommend the book "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerichs. It will help you understand how males interpret love and all the "little things" women do to show love. A lot of the time the things we do to show love to a man, the man doesn't interpret that as love because all they really need is respect to feel "loved". My husband and I read this book together but it would be great for you to read, even if your husband won't read it too. It was wonderful for our marriage =) Good Luck.

Hi N.,
Reminds me of my first husband when I was very young, 18 years old. I felt exactly the same way. Now I am 54, my daughter is 35 and I have two grandkids.
This is what I have learned. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus! That's an excellent book!

Men feel the responsibility of paying the bills and working hard to secure your future. That's the world they live in. All the attention and affection you show him just reassures him that everything is all right, so he doesn't have to worry or be concerned about you, you love him and everything's fine. That allows him to be concerned about what he feels are the important things: making sure he has a job, moving up in his career, making more money, etc.

Ask him for one night a week for a date. If that doesn't work, that is what girlfriends are for! Put your time and effort towards your career, social life, girlfriends and realtionships to feed yourself, so you are not emotionally dependent on him.

Maybe if he is wondering where you are, you'll have his attention! If you know you have a man that loves you and you can trust him, then don't worry about it!

Talk to him, tell him how you feel!
Good luck,
S. Fritz
866.508.2910

I would suggest reading the book "The 5 Languages of Love." You will find that not everyone expresses their love in the same way. So, what you can learn from the book (and if you like it, I would have hubby read it to) is how you can show him love in the ways he needs it and he can show you love in the way you need it. As an example, the love language I show is Acts of Service (I love doing things for my hubby and taking care of my family!) yet my husband's love language is Quality Time. So what this means is although he likes when I take care of him, he'd rather have me spending quality time with him than anything. It will make more sense when you read the book - what you will gain is and understanding of what both of you need and it will give you examples of how you can "speak" the same love language.
good luck!

Dear N.,

First of all, Welcome to America! I hope you will have a very happy life here. Where are you from?
About your question. Marriage and men are both blissful and complicated :) Without knowing your husband or his background, or how long you have known eachother, it is kind of hard to say what could be going on in his head. Often the way we were raised, and the stories we tell ourselves affects how we relate to others. Was he affectionate before you were married? Or did you know this about him before you married him?
It sounds like you do love him very much. Keep loving him. If he just has a hard time relating to women, maybe he just needs your compassion and patience. This is a very very personal question and I am sorry if it offends, but does he have difficulty sexually? Maybe some counseling or medication (natural or not) could help him with that? While you are being a loving wife make sure you love yourself too. Meet new people, have a hobby - gardening, photography, whatever - something other than your husband that you are passionate about. Volunteer your time for something you care about. Take time to care for yourself and treat yourself well. When women love themselves we are able to give back more love and compassion to others without feeling lost, unappreciated, and resentful. Also, know that you CAN NOT change your husband. He HAS to do that on his own. Let him know how you are feeling and ask him to sit down and talk with you about what is on his mind. YOU can be loving, compassionate, and patient with him if you know for sure he loves you. But you really need to let him know how you are feeling. And know that men think differently than women. That is a universal thing:)
I really feel that most marriages can thrive and both partners be very happy, but it takes work, determination, faith, and love. But it sounds like you dote (take care of his every need) on him alot, which I know you do out of love for him, but trust me, after years of doing that you will start feeling very unhappy. Taking good care of your husband is one thing, but you need to feel that he appreciates you and returns the love.
Finally sweetie, if you can, try to get this worked out before children come along. Being a parent is amazingly rewarding, but they can NOT save a marriage or make our husbands change.
I hope this helps you. I don't know your culture and how marraige works in your country. I'm not in any way suggesting you abandon what you know and how you were raised. But I do know this....women all over the world deserve to be loved and respected, but we need to love and respect ourself first.
I wish you much good energy as you find your voice, find yourself, and find yourself in a very happy marriage.

In peace,
A.
Happy mom of 4, married 14 beautiful years, birth and parenting educator.

How was he before the marriage? My husband is the same way. I was his first too. I think that men who have saved themselves for marriage have a greater control for that need to have sex. Also you said he's a workaholic. He is working hard to take care of you and that's how a lot of men show their love, by providing for their women. I'm not saying that it is right. Obviously it's not working for the marriage. You need to talk to him and tell him what you need. Don't expect a new man, but be aware of the little things. I had a talk with my husband in the begining and then I got angry when he didn't "change". He was then able to point out to me many of the things he had done for me that I hadn't picked up on.
Be strong. The first year of marriage was the hardest for us. And the constant feeling of rejection puts an even greater strain on it, I KNOW. Find some kind of hobby or do things for yourself that make you happy, take care of yourself. And don't stop caring for him and keep doing all the things your doing. If you stop showing him affection then he will feel it and then you are both unhappy. My husband and I have been married for 12 years now and he really is an amazing husband as I'm sure yours it too. God bless you both and push through this. Better days are coming soon, I promise!!