How Can I.......?

Have you ever heard of a book called "the five love languages"? I think it is written by Gary Smalley. I read it years ago and it helped me understand the fact that we all express love in different ways, and how my husband expresses love to me may be different than how I WANT him to express it. But his love language is different than mine, so I learned to "speak his language". It might help you not feel so negleted, once you understand how HE is trying to express his love to you. Good luck.

Hello I have been here and taught my husband a lesson! I will teach u if u let me then he will understand what its like a day in your shoes!

For 1 week don't do a thing for him,no dinner's,washing clothes no special favors and no nookie! He will then ask why and that's when he'll be ready to know the reason ..........And it work like a charm!

Hello M.,

Take it to God in prayer. I really don't think that this is the spiritual thing to do. The bible tells us in Psalm 1 "Blessed is the man who walks NOT in the counsel of the ungodly." Talk with your Pastor at church concerning your marriage. But, for me being a believer, this is my prayer for you.

Lord, can there be a revival in M. L marriage? How can something that started out so fresh now seem so stale? She is torn between all the hats she has to wear. Their intimacy has lost its spontaneity and their love seems canned and uncreative. She need You to break through the veil of politeness that hides the hushed frustration.
Give her the grace to forgive the things that seems insensitive in her husband. Give her strength and creativity, patience, and humility. Make her heart race with the passion and affection that once came so freely. Please, Father, teach her how to be a good wife. Bind them together.
As she love her husband, she must realize that she will always love an imperfect person, and so will he. Maybe she is learning how You really love her as she reach out to this man who doesn't always seem in touch with where she is. Father, she see that You love her when she's out of touch with You.
Most of all Lord, make her like You. Hover over them. Fashion her for a husband and him for her. Breathe fresh life into their love and allow them to be friends again, to laugh and play again. She missed the way it used to be. Take them back, dear Lord. Take them back. Thank You for knowing what to do with their hearts. We believe there will be change because of You. Amen

Hello M.! I have to agree with Lena C. But first, is your husband a Christian? I ask because you only made references to yourself as being an on fire for God Christian. That really jumped out at me. Did the two of you have pre-marital Christian Counseling since you are newly married? A Christian Marriage is different from a worldly marriage. As Christians, we have to be very careful of the foundation we make. There are roles that the Christian man has and roles the Christian woman has. Yes, pray constantly and consistently about this situation. And don't look for or expect immediate change. God has perfect timing and He has perfect order. Bring in warriors, godly men and women who will stand in agreement with you. I would suggest that you focus on your relationship with the Lord. And let that speak to your husband's heart. Speak life into your husband. Complaining and nagging are death words. Speak life into yourself. Talk to your pastor and if your husband will agree to counseling, by all means go. But if he doesn't agree to counseling, you go anyway. Don't get discouraged by the words of people who aren't Christians and who don't have a relationship with the risen Savior. Understand that the enemy is attacking your marriage because that is his job. All he does is roam the earth seeking whom he can devour. And now he has his eyes set on your marriage because your husband has not taken his rightful place (spiritually) as the head. No weapon formed against your marriage shall prosper. The weapons of your warfare are not carnal but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds. Stand on your faith in God's ability to work miraculously in your life and in your husbands life. God bless you! Your Sister-in-Christ, T.

Wow your post really hit home, as my husband and I(both Christ followers) have been going through rough time lately.Just yesterday i was talking to a friend who suggested Christian counseling.Her and her husband just went through one and she said she saw amazing change.It was all based on biblical principals and A LOT of responsobilities were put on a man(I like that:)). They started going through bible and her husband was able to see what God required from him in the marriage(and from the wife of course, but God made man the head of the family so that's just how it is)So if your husband will agree I think counceling can really make a difference, because it sounds like you're doing A LOT of things to show your love(and respect)....I need to copy them from you:)

First thing, you need to relax.

Now, put yourself into your husband's head. From what I am reading here, I see that he may be trying to tell you to relax and give him some time to transition from being at work to being at home. He needs some alone time to appreciate the romantic time. Not all of your time has to be spent together or being loving. It also seems that you are "jumping the gun" when it comes to romantic gestures. Give him time. He has his own personal time scale that is not yours. You seem to be pushing, and you can push him away from you by doing that. You cannot force someone to give you a gift, and if you do, it won't be freely given. It won't even be a gift. It will be something undesirable and will not hold meaning.

Back off for at least a couple or more weeks and see if he doesn't start initiating anything. Loving one another and loving on one another should not be a chore to be checked off. That is what your demands are making it. It should be something that both of you want to do and participate in. You will appreciate it a lot more that way.

I think he does get the message, and he is trying to give you one as well.

A suggestion that might help would to be find a councelor (there are plenty of clergymen at the church or even the preacher) that can help you. Usually this type of guidence at the church is nothing or next to nothing if you are worried about money. This would be wise to get even if you have to do it alone.

I hope that you feel better about this. The last pearl of wisdom that I can impart would be that it is better to allow someone to decide when to give a gift from the heart rather than hounding him or her into doing it. It always feel more precious and sincere. I am sure he loves, but I am sure that he is trying to tell you that he needs his own space.

It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. You mentioned that your husband is willing to listen but that he quickly feels as if you are arguing with him. I know when I am pointing out to my husband some changes I'm hoping he will make I have to be careful to mainly use "I" statements and not "you" statements. A statement like, "You need to .." tends to make people defensive. However, saying "I need help with..." allows people (your husband) to focus on what you need rather that what he's doing wrong. Share the same information, but try to present it in a way that puts the focus on you rather than him. Good luck with everything. I hope with everyone's suggestions you will be able to guide your husband into a more understanding and helpful peron.

i think that your husband and you could both benefit from reading the 'love language' books... you read the original and get him the 'love languages for men' version. they are WONDERFUL! you may just speak different love languages.... the books will help you each identify your own and help you understand why it is important to learn to speak your partners.... my husband and i really enjoyed the books.... hope that everything works out... please don't shut your husband out, i am sure he loves you very much.

I have been where you are. Unfortunately I ended up divorcing that man. But since, I read Mars and Venus on a Date. It was very helpful in pointing out how I contributed to the problem. Part of the problem is that you are focusing on meeting his needs and being a mom to him. When you dote on a man, it doesn't occur to them that they should do the same in return. You should focus on pampering yourself and doing things that you enjoy and that make you feel good. You are responsible for yourself and meeting your own needs. A useful book for you may be "How to Improve your marriage without talking about it" by Steven Stosny. It explains some differences between men and women and why we have difficulty communicating. Instead of complaining about not going out, ask your husband if the two of you can go out for a wonderful dinner. A suggestion goes much further than a "talk" or complaint. Definitely read the book by Steven Stosny. It will greatly improve your relationship by increasing the compassion and intimacy in your relationship.

One thing that really helped me was the book, "The Five Love Languages." It talks about how you, for instance, probably speak the language of "service." Meaning that you appreciate having nice things done for you in order to show that you are loved, cared for and appreciated. Your husband probably speaks a different love language though since that doesn't seem to mean much to him. Maybe his is "words of appreciation," "physical touch," "quality time" or "gifts." He will respond better when you express your love for him through his love language rather than yours. Anyway, just a suggestion but there is a lot of validity in the book that might help y'all out.

Good luck with this one! Men are a whole different creature all together. My husband and I have grown so far apart because of this. We recently just had a big blow up, and what he said to me is that he may not be romantic and do cutsie little things, but when he picks up the kids toys or cleans the kitchen, that is him trying to do something for me and show me he loves me. Our idea, as women, of how you go about showing someone that you love them is completely different than theirs. I am at a crossroads now, because, for me, this isn't good enough. I just want that simple little gesture that shows me that he is thinking about me (for example, I got NOTHING on my birthday but an arguement...no card...nothing. I don't expect alot of money be spent, but go pick me a flower or make me a card....something!) While I understand that based on what he said, there is just a misunderstanding with gestures and communication, I don't feel it is too much to ask to try to put thought into something every once in a while.

I know this isn't the greatest answer, but maybe since I am going through the same thing, you can make some sense out of what my husband told me, to make it work for you and understand him better. Good Luck!

I have 2 books to recommend...
Fascinating Womanhood, and His Needs Her Needs.

These books helped me alot. If nothing else, to understand him better.

Hi M.

I'm sorry you are going through this rough time. I don't like to give advise on people's relationships because it's to much about the situation I don't know. However, I will encourage you to listen to a ministry called Marriage Today with Jimmy and Karen. They are a couple who loves the Lord and have been through everything a married couple can go through and instead of giving up they sought the word of God and now have a wonderful marriage.

I'm a Christian also, and I have been married for 12 years. I work hard to keep God first in our marriage. I've learned long time ago, to pray about the situation, speak in peace with my husband on the situation and if nothing changes, I speak my hurt and disappointment to God and let Him work in the situation. God will never let you down. I know it's not always easy but, I promise you if you yield your will to God, He will give you great peace in the mist of your storm.

The website is www.marriagetoday.org. I hope you give it a try, it has given me a better understanding of my husband and made our marriage a better one.

I will pray for you and your husband.

It sounds like a bigger issue than you're going to be able to find appropriate advice for here. Without knowing the ins and outs of your relationship with your husband, no one can offer an educated guess much less effective advice....

That said, my recommendation would be begin speaking with a pastoral counselor or Christian marriage counselor. They will help you discover what is appropriate in needs/desires and perhaps what may need tweaking. I HIGHLY recommend it.

Also, consider reading John Gottman's Severn Principles for Making Marriage Work and Jim Brown's Creating an Intimate marriage. Gottman's book was a lifesaver for our marriage as we continue to work on it together, but even if it's only you, it would help you identify needs that are appropriate and give you a basis for internal affirmation, no matter what your dh says. Gottman is NOT a Christian, tho his principals are congruent with scripture. He was raised Jewish. Brown's book basically takes Gottman's principals and paints scenarios of what they look like in daily practice in a Christian home. It's good to read that one second....

I would start by speaking with a knowledgable christian counselor tho. Ask around, get advice from ur minister, other couples who have used one.... You don't want someone who is going to affirm everything you say, run your dh down when you have concerns and then tell you to get divorced if your not happy bc that's the goal of life....happiness. We both know that's a lie. :) take some time to find someone you're comfortable with and trust....then expect it to take time. There is no magic cure. Marriage is hard work, esp if ur not getting ur needs met.

My pastor used to say that he told couples in premarital counseling that marriage was work - when both parties felt like they were giving 110% then they were on the right track :)

Good luck!

Hello, M.! I know you are going through a tough time right now and I would recommend the 5 Love Languages book along with the movie Fireproof and it's study. I am not recommending that you go to him and ask him to do these with you, I am recommending that you do these on your own. I have always heard that if you want someone to change then you have to change yourself first! If you have seen the movie Fireproof then you know that Caleb went through the 40 days by himself. Do the 40 days first by yourself and then start over and over and over until your husband is on board. You married your husband for life, in God's eyes, and you must start with yourself first. I love how you serve him already, but there may be more that you can do for him to help him see things differently. If your husband has not seen Fireproof, don't force him to see it. Just do the book yourself! The Five Love Languages will help you better determine which personality your husband has and how to serve him in his personality. For example, my husband loves personal touch and I love acts of service. I know that if I want my husband to clean up or do the dishes, I need to give him some physical touch. As long as his love tank of physical touch is full, then my love tank of acts of service stays full too.

Good luck and keep your husband and marriage as the most important thing to pray over each day!

I thought I was the only one with that kind of husband. I have the same problem. I just pray a lot about it and just go on with daily life. I put it in God's Hands and see where that takes me. I wish I had some advise for ya sweetie but being in the same boat and have tried many things as well with no avail. I too love my husband with all my heart but there is no romance in our marriage either. I have been married to him just over 2 years. At first it was good but pretty much the same as it is now. He has a thing about showing affection in public and even holding hands in front of others even his family. This will be a very interesting read. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in this situation. I love to do sign lanuage as well but not very good at it but I try. Good luck and my prayers are with you and your hubby.
Have a great day, take care and God Bless ya.

C.

Great advice, but here is my take....stop doing everything! I know we are supposed to do everything for the ones we love, but sometimes they have to realize that we need pampering too! I suggest getting a hobby of YOUR own! I started a home business where I go to other women's homes and do presentations....just women! That way, I get away from the kids and dad has to take over for a few hours. It really upset him at first because it dug into "his" time. But you know what....now he understands. We had to talk about it alot, but I told him, I just need something that is mine...only mine. For you, it may be more along making him realize that you are not centering your life around him. I did that early in our marraige and almost lost my husband by suffocation!!! I was literally driving him crazy! Granted, my husband is my world, but we still have to have our outside interests for "us" to survive. I hope this helps and my very best to you.

Hi, M.!
Sorry you are having such a frustrating time. I know how that can feel. My first question is, what does your husband enjoy doing? What is his way of relaxing or "chilling"? Perhaps that can be incorporated into a together time for the two of you. Does he like sports? Go to a game together without the kids. Sneak off for a game of putt-putt golf. while these are not 'romantic' activities, you will be surprised to see your interest in what he likes develop into his interest in pleasing you.
As for drawing his bath, try waiting until he is home and asking if he would like you to draw a bath for him. Maybe he feels pressured by it. I know both my hubby and I want to just unwind a bit first, to get that "I'm home" feeling. Who knows, he may want to sometimes hop in a shower instead. He may construe that as you trying to control what he does when he gets home. The way we think when we are tired sometimes doesn't make sense, so we just have to work with it.
Is your husband also a Christian? There are some fantastic Sunday School/Bible Study classes that revolve around improving your marriage, and even people who think they have a perfect marriage benefit from them.
Last, maybe a week or so without doing all those special things for him will make him miss them, and understand all you have done for him. That may, in turn, inspire him to reciprocate.
Wishing you all the best.
S.

Sweetie, if you get a good answer to this one, let us all know! :) i feel your pain. my husband and I just had this argument a day or so ago. I feel that I do everything and he doesn't put forth much effort. Only ours is in the household dept, instead of "intimate". I WISH he would leave me alone sometimes :)

I don't know if this will help you ro not, but I know that with us, we DO speak totally different languages. There is a book called "Love Languages" and it's pretty good. I am an "Acts of Service" - meaning that I feel loved when he does things for me wihtout me asking. he is a "touch" - meaning he feels love when I touch him. However, I am a touch-me-not most of the time and he is a "I dont' feel like doing anything" most of the time. so it's a downward spiral until we pull back up.

I also have found that I'm beating my head against a brick wall when I try to explain to him that I am not a microwave and i can't heat up like he can. Also, if he's been a lazy jerk all day, I really don't want to do anything "nice" for him! and he doesnt get it. So one day i asked "How do i tell you what i need without setting you off?" i made sure to not put it on him and instead take all the responsibility so he wouldn't feel like i was attacking him. So after the conversation, i realized that even though i was trying to be honest and tell him how i felt, it was coming across way differently to him (men are idiots :)

have you had the conversation about how best to communicate to him? after you figure out what style he responds to, then you can finally get it through his thick head that you are not his mother/cook/maid/slave/trophy wife.

Good luck!!!! and we could all use more prayers!!!

Hey M., This is, I think, an age old question. Most couples go through this. It is perfectly normal behavior on both your parts. As women we are more in need of the physical actions that show us love. We are certainly more in need of words and discussion. Men and Women are just wired differently. Men love that we are caregivers, and try so hard to meet all of their needs. Yet in their minds they are doing the same by, working, coming home, and making love "with" us. If you feel that your marital issues go beyond the "normal man vs. woman behavior". Then I can suggest The Fireproof your Marriage Study. It is a short study and can be done as an individual or couple. It may help point out some things to aid in your situation. I am 46 years old with 3 children. I've been married to the same man for 27 years! Sometimes it just takes more work than other. He is still my boyfriend and I his girlfriend. Good luck girl, and props to you for wanting to make things better.

Wow, are you sure you're married to the most wonderful man in the world, your soul mate and best friend? Have you seen the movie "Fireproof", watch it with your husband if possible. Then get the 40 day challenge book that goes with the movie, I saw it at Sam's Club. I"ll be praying for your marriage....M.

First of all, I think a majority of women at some point in their marriage have felt exactly like you do. The fact of the matter is that men and women do things differently and view things differently. And though we think that our spouse understands us, especially if we've tried talking to them about it before, they will still view the relationship in the way that they do.

There are two problems I see in your post. First, you don't mention the ways that he shows love for you. So either he doesn't show love to you at all, or else, the way he does it is not the way you want/expect to see it. If he never shows love, then you need to get counseling. If he does show it in his own way, you need to understand that for him, those ways are just as valid as the expectations you have of him, and you need to appreciate that it is his way of expressing his feelings for you instead of trying to mold him into the kind of person you think he should be. Having said that, it is okay to remind him of ways that he can pamper you, but it should never be a bone of contention between the two of you.

The second problem I see with your post is that you spend a whole lot of time reviewing the many things you do for your husband to make his life nice. While I understand the need to vent from time to time, I also know that it is easy to get into a martyr-like attitude when you feel like you are bending over backwards for someone and they are not reciprocating in an acceptable manner. My advice is, if you aren't doing those things entirely out of love, if those things are causing you to be resentful and bitter towards your husband, if those things are making it so difficult for you to do the things you need to do that they are actually a negative aspect of your life, then you need to cut back or cut them out. It is wonderful to pamper and serve your husband; it is wonderful to do things that make his life smoother and express your love and concern for him. But when you start keeping a list of all the things you are doing for him to compare to the list of things he is not doing for you, it's time to reevaluate your behavior.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I am speaking from personal experience. I'm married to a very unsentimental, unromantic engineer, who, in short is my total opposite. I spent more time than I care to recount furious with him for his failure to live up to my ideals, especially after having children. It took me a lot of time, prayer, and humility to realize that I would rather have a husband like him who is loyal, faithful, straightforward and my friend than a husband who makes all the superficial gestures in the world who does not have those qualities.

M., you sound like a wonderful wife and go above and beyond what you NEED to do to keep your husband happy. I respect my husband more than anything and do my best to make him happy but i do not draw a bath and especially would do none of these things if he showed no reciprocation to me. I would either sit him down and try telling him almost the exact things you write in this letter or write him a letter with the things you want to say without being interrupted. You can either stop the baths, stop the extras and see if he notices. Or you can try to set up a date to surprise him. Get the babysitter and make the plans as a surprise. Do what you think he will enjoy as well as something you have wanted to do. If that does not work out, you may need marriage counseling. Has he been this way since you were dating him or has he recently changed in marriage? Sometimes you fail to see who the person is before marrying them and that is no fault of his. It may not be ideal but if it is who is always has been, it is not fair for you to expect him to change over night. You may have to gently, slowly, coax him to be a bit more romantic. If this is something new, consider backing off and not sounding like you are nagging. Try just planning it as a surprise to see how he reacts. If he gets angry, there may be more issues that you are not aware of. I suggest figuring out what these issues are before they become worse. Good luck to you, don't wear yourself out, do what you need to be respectful and loving but do NOT give what you do not receive. Demand respect.

I have several suggestions for you: 1) a blog called "What Women Never Hear" at http://wwnh.wordpress.com; 2) the Focus on Marriage teleconference DVDs from Focus on the Family (http://order.store.yahoo.net/cgi-bin/wg-order?churchcomst...; and a couple of books by Gary Smalley, the one for women is "For Better or For Best" and the one for men is "If Only He Knew." Oh, and don't beat him over the head with getting him to read "his" book. Just mention the book to him and leave it accessible, then start reading yours and putting it into practice. Relationships heal fastest when both people are working on them, but he probably thinks your relationship is just fine, and takes your hints about needing more as criticism of him for not doing things right to start with. He may never read the book, but by learning more about how men think and how they act, you can change your own perspective, and learn more about what you can do, and what you can't do (and be content with that) to make your relationship more satisfying for both of you.

Now, let's face some facts -- men and women are different. Women are relationship experts, while men are more into action (and not just sex, but all action -- even as children we can see this, because girls have tea parties where they sit and talk, and boys go out and play army games). You may be expecting too much from your husband, because of the gender differences, or his personality. Start focusing on what he does *right* rather than on what he does wrong. He may feel like he can't measure up, so just avoids romance to avoid failure. When he does things for you like change the oil in your car, that's his way of showing you he cares. He may also not realize that you need romance and not just the physical things he can do to show you he cares.

M.,
I understand how hard it can be when you feel you're responsible for the upkeep of a happy marriage. When my husband and I were in our 2nd year of marriage, we went through something similar. I once stated to him in an arguement that yeah, he married me, but didn't he want to keep me? I felt under appreciated and like he took me for granted. I was a stay at home mom with a toddler and was okay with taking care of everything while he earned the money. He rarely took notice of things I did to our apartment and was irritable if dinner wasn't ready within an hour of his return home. He would make a PB&J sandwich while I was cooking! That would drive me crazy!
Regardless of all the little annoying things we'd both do, we knew without a doubt, that we loved each other and chose to commit a lifetime to one another.
I came across a book, The Five Love Languages, which helped me tweak the way I 'spoke' to my husband. He read it, too. We would laugh at how the book described us both. Eventually, we learned what our love languages were and made an effort to speak each other's language--became bilingual, if you will!
You really seem as if you're doing everything possible to be the wife any man would want. You're a good woman. Is it possible that you're too good? What I mean by that is, do you ever allow yourself to let down your hair and walk on the wild side? Would you consider dressing a little bit sexy and have a drink with your man at a bar? It sounds to me you guys lack some excitement, some out of the ordinary fun. Get a sitter and make a date with him out for an evening. Flirt with him and play footsie with him a little. It makes a big difference! My hubby says now, that I used to be a prude. I had to get in touch with my womanly power and learn to use it. Give it a try and let me know how it works for you!
As for your husband, he needs to talk to you or someone he can trust that would give him some sound advice. Do you know another couple with a strong marriage? Talk to the wife and ask if her husband would be willing to open up a dialogue with yours. Maybe you can ask them over for dinner and just hang out. It may take a few tries, but he may be willing to talk a little once he feels comfortable. It may take a fishing trip or something similar where they can talk man to man. Your husband is holding back affection, and he needs to say why. Only then can he be the loving and caring man you know he can be. Don't give up on him, honey. It'll happen!

Yes, I have this feeling with my husband sometimes. Without a lot of discussion, I will point you to a GREAT book on this topic that I HIGHLY recommend. I tried to include a link to it in Amazon, but in case it doesn't work, it is Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages. It talks about how different people express and feel love in distinctly different ways. When you mismatch these styles, people end up not feeling loved and cherished, even if they are. Read this book and see if the perspective helps. If you can get your husband to read it, that would be HUGE (then he'll get what you are talking about without thinking you are arguing). Hope it helps.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Da...

You write that he is "the most wonderful man in the world." Not if he acts that way towards you, or any one else. You write about doing for everyone else. You should start doing more for yourself. Stop treating your husband like a third child. Start doing less around the house and more for yourself. Otherwise, you'll continue to feel overwhelmed, and neglected. Men often don't appreciate what they have in a partner, until all those "little things" stop.

It would be worth seeing a couples therapist. But tread those waters carefully. Your husband sounds like he could be quite controlling, and possibly abusive. Well, actually he at least mildly is, for he's very neglectful of your feelings or concerns.

Dear M.,
First of all, I would like to commend you for being so proud to let the world know who you serve;I think that's awesome. I would also like to give you a suggestion concerning your husband because I too am married and on fire for God. My suggestion to you would be for you to maybe ask your Pastor for a counceling session so your husband could get an understanding from a man's point of view. Men so often mistake our heart felt conversations with them as "nagging or fussing" but to hear it from another man who more than likely has had some experience in this field does wonders. There is nothing wrong with you wanting a romantic marriage with your husband after all,God wouldn't have it no other way and there is nothing wrong with getting godly counceling. I know you have a prayer life so, i just encourage you to continue to lift your marriage up to the Father, who can do anything and change anybody. Don't allow the enemy to get the victory because he is a defeated foe! In The Name Of Jesus!!!! Be encouraged my sister in Christ.

I am like your husband and my husband is like you. He always says I am not romantic. And he is right. It just never occurs to me. I have never been like that but I also come form a very unromantic family. I guess in my family it was just known we love each other and all of that other stuff wasn't important. I really do try but romance annoys me. I am going to guess that is how your husband grew up to. My famliy didn't celebrate Valentine's Day that was considered a hallmark holiday and not worth our time. I can see why romance is important but that is really hard for some people including me.

A couple of other good Christian books to read are For Women Only (for you) and For Men Only (for him), by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn.

Surprise your husband with a weekend trip. Schedule it for a Friday evening after work until Sunday evening. Ask a family member or friend to watch your children for the weekend. Make plane reservations and book a hotel. Use a credit card instead of a debit card so that he doesn't figure it out ahead of time and ruin the surprise. Pack his bag after he leaves for work on Friday. Get a friend to go with you to his work on Friday afternoon and drive his car home. Let his boss in on the secret. Do not worry about the money you are spending during a recession. Keeping your marriage alive and well is a priority. Go out of town for the weekend and revive your love life!

Hi, M..

I read your request late last night (when I was exhausted), and I woke up this a.m. thinking about it. I'm a 51 year old 'mom' (to 4 adults) and 'Mom-Mom' to 3 little 'grands'. I've been in church all my life and a devout Christian since about 1970.

Please realize that I'm 'preaching in the mirror, here'. I don't claim to have these truths imbedded in my character (YET)!

It sounds as if you and your husband are simply very different personalities (as my husband and I are), but try to love him unconditionally -- with God's love (flowing through you) -- without expectations. We can only control what's in OUR OWN jurisdiction -- not the other person.
The main funciton of expectations (from Satan's perspective) is to disappoint.

I've been married to one of the most wonderful men on the earth for almost 33 years. I love him profoundly, but I STILL don't 'like' him very well. This is a problem that I need to fix, myself; but I keep expecting HIM to 'fix' it!

I thought of several 'platitudes' (irritating truths) that I might offer (but just because they're irritating doesn't take away from the fact that they are TRUE! Someone just sent me an email that said "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." Erica Jong)

The same email offered these profundities:

Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. Professor Lallith of Psychology

Loving someone doesnt need a reason. If you can explain why you love someone, its not called "Love"... its called "Like". Darrel H.

It's amazing how someone can break your heart, but you can still love them with all the little pieces. Unknown

If you can't get someone off your mind they are probably supposed to be there. Unknown

Live with no excuses and love with no regrets. Montel

And I'd like to add some little truths of my own.

If you're depending on your husband to make you happy, you'll never be happy. Happiness lies withing our own attitude.

Happiness is fleeting. Joy is 'abiding' (it lives in us -- or not).

Love is 'action', NOT 'feeling'.

We don't love people because of what they do for us. Our love for anyone is directly proportionate to how much WE do for THEM (think of children, infirm parents/grandparents or anyone you've ever physically cared for long-term).

I'll probably add more later, but this is a good start.

God bless, and keep loving that man. Imagine what life would be without him . . . .

Hi M.,

Check out Worldwide Marriage Encounter. My husband and I experienced a weekend last September and it was incredible! The website is: www.wwme.org.

No matter what Christian denomination you are, you will be warmly welcome to the weekend. The main website will direct you to the local group and you will be able to find out when the next weekend is scheduled.

Best Wishes!
J.

Join the club lady. If you get any good advise. email me. I have been going through the same thing for almost 4 years now. Since I had my first child. We would go through good spells and bad spells. Your not a drama queen. Marriage is not easy. I have a couple tips that help. Don't try to talk to him while he is busy doing something like watching the game or whatever hobby he has. Also when you talk to him don't nag, yell or show any frustration in your voice because he will say your trying to argue. When you talk to him use the word "I". "I feel like" Don't say "you" because it sounds like your attacking him. Hope it gets better for you.

Hi M..
I would suggest reading or listening on CD the Five Love Languages. Here is the site. It is an amazing series of books for different things. I think you will be impressed.
http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/
May God richly bless you both. I have been married almost 18 years and still have trouble communicating.
W. from Indiana

M.,
I can relate to a point. When we were first married I always told my husband "I love you". At first he said it a lot then he just started tapering off. I continued to say it a lot. When I asked him why he did not say to often he said he felt that I should know how he feels and he should not have to tell me all the time. I did not know what to say so i just mumbled oh okay. I continued to say it even though he did not. I don't remember doing it deliberatly but started saying it less and less until I stopped for a few days. Finally he was stepping out of the shower and he asked me if I still loved him. I was putting the laundry away and said sure, why do you ask? His reply was that I used to say it a lot and now I don't. I just told him well I guess I adopted your feelings that I don't need to tell you all the time you should just know that I love you. When the tables turned he felt the way I did and decided that its better to say it every so often than not. We don't constantly say it but we do make sure we say it. Because of jobs and family we live separate at times, he's in TN and I am in MO currently, but we talk on the phone a lot and visit whenever the budget allows. He sends me cards that are sweet and romantic as well.

I would try to find a book about marriage and intimacy. Maybe you could read it together. I would also try to not change him because you can't. Instead change the way you feel and do things. He may just not be the romantic type. He may feel that his working to support his family is enough to do without doing more. Pray about it and take it from one who has tried to change my first husband, you can't change anyone else only yourself. When you make changes in yourself you will see things differently. I have also learned with my second and current husband if I try to tell him to do something even if it is something he would do he won't because I said to. If I just voice my opinion with sweetness he will usually make the decision himself to do it. Good Luck and God Bless!