Problems Showing Affection.

Might you be gay? I am a late in life lesbian who, before divorce, felt much of what you are saying.

Were your parents affectionate towards each other in front of you? We learn about marriage and family by observing our parents.

I think the both of you should read "The Five Love Languages". It might help you to understand each other's love language.

I am the same way and it's a problem for us because my husband is like yours - his love language (the book the 5 love languages) is physical touch. I have to remind myself to touch him and it's not anywhere near as much as he would like me to touch him. We are in counseling and it's really helping but I have to make an effort. Just like I feel loved when he sits and talks and listens to me. He is not a big talker so he has to force himself - yet he does not talk as much as I would like him too.

Not the perfect match - ha! but we are making it work since we do love each other a lot.

Look into sensory integration disorders. I think that is my problem. It just feels weird to be touched to me. Soft touches are annoying and hugs are constricting.

I think seeing a therapist or counselor would really help.
You see it is a big problem and you dont want to lose your husband over it, so Yes do something about it.

This is what you do: " I had to literally remind myself to, kiss him, hug him, hold his hand, stuff like that."

You do exactly what you used to do. If you have to keep reminding yourself and forcing yourself for the rest of your life, then that's what you do. You don't need to go to therapy to fix it. Your personality is unlikely to change from therapy.

Why do you say that you "are not able" to give him what he craves? Of course you are able. Just do it.

Hmm, interesting about the lesbian comment from Rhonda. A possibility?

Some people are not touchy-feely by nature. I'm not. I have a lot of friends who want to hug me when we meet, hug me when we say goodbye, etc, and it drives me nuts. I lived in France for a while, and it was even worse there, because everyone kisses each other (twice) on the cheeks upon meeting and saying goodbye. Ugh. I'm just a more private person when it comes to physical affection, I guess. Fortunately, my husband is the same way - not super romantic - so it works out fine for us. If it's really important to your husband, just do what you're comfortable with. You will probably have to remind yourself - when you're walking, hold his hand, when you're sitting, sit closer to him. Just make an effort, even if it doesn't feel natural to you. On some level, he needs to accept that this is who you are, but at the same time, we do go the extra mile for those we love - it goes both ways. :)

OMG! I thought I was the only one. But, mine is much worse. I cannot say I love you to him without turning red and feeling like I'm going to pass out, so instead I say "ditto". And I cannot kiss him. It's really sad. I've tried to kiss back when he kissed me and he says that I'm the worst kisser and that has alot to do with the fact that I just feel really weird doing it. My heart beats out of my chest and I feel queezy. I can't change it, I've tried. And I've been dumped in the past for it. Get counseling! I'm going to soon. Good luck.

Check up on introverts.
No, it's not necessarily because you've been touched inappropriately...
There are many reasons for why you are like that and it's totally normal because you are living a life with husband and kids and you are happy. Normal is over rated and wrongly defined.

Anyway, I'm like this as well. My husband is a touch person. He craves it but I have a hard time being all lovey dovey and touchy feely. My parents were not like that to me but I love my parents just the same. They were great growing up but they just weren't into that stuff. I worked hard to learn to be more lovey dovey. I think being around people like that has helped, the behaviour is learned. People learned it from their parents and so they do it naturally. I did not get it from my parents so I had to be around people like that. Growing up I was a geek, hung out with the artsy/rock group and then science group in college... needless to say I did not learn anything about emotions from them. After marriage I felt the same you did, it was easy with my kids (but I still wasn't as doting as some moms I see... think... Malcolm in the Middle type of mom rather than Carol Brady) but it was forced after a while with my husband. You go past that blissful relationship beginning when you are not yourself and then after a few years you go back to being yourself. Your normal self.

As a solution, either immerse yourself in people who are sweet (I actually learned how to be sweeter through chatting with other women on FB. I made lots of good friends on there. I was able to take on a new sort of personality and started off shy and awkward but was soon able to throw hearts and smiley faces at my friends. I know people look down on FB but I personally used it as my practice towards being more loving. I never called anyone "sweetie" or even knew what a "term of endearment" was until I was about 27 years old. Just fake it till you make it! Force those words each day.

Second option is to make him understand who you are and that you love him in your actions of love and those actions may not be vocal or touching. Come to that understanding. If he can't, you revert to option 1. =)

You can go to counseling but I honestly believe this is something you just need to immerse yourself into in order to do it. Remember... there is NOTHING wrong with you.

Do you know why? I had this problem, and realized that it was because of inappropriate contact when I was a tween. Therapy has helped me a LOT. If this has been consistent, take courage and find a counselor to help you.

I get you. I have no trouble being in my own space - my husband and I can spend an evening in separate rooms and I wouldn't miss him - of course if it was always then there would be a problem. We cuddle a bit on the couch sometimes after the kids are in bed, share a blanket etc, but the kissing, hugging, always reaching out is not for us.

That being said, my sister is constantly sitting on her husbands lap, hugging him and kissing him. She even JUMPED into his arm once when he came into the room. Literally almost knocked him over. She is a 30 yo woman. To me it looks fake - like she's trying to stage this I would almost say, adolescent, puppy love. I find it embarrising for her.

Also, regarding what Catherine said, one male member of my family is constantly hugging me and kissing me (as well as everyone else) when he sees me and when he leaves. It's wierd. Sometimes I just can't stand it and busy myself across the room and give a shout "Hi Steve!" so it makes it awkward for him to come seek me out. Ugh.

Is it because he expects x and y and your kids just take what you give them? Is he specific in his requirements? Or do you even feel that he is? Sometimes it can be hard to fill someone's expectations. You can certainly speak to a counselor. You and DH may also want marriage counseling because his "love language" is physical affection and he feels rejected, though you DO love him.

You are not alone! I am like that, too. And have no idea why. :(

I recommend therapy; it may not change who you are, but it will help you understand why you are the way you are. My first thought as well is whether you are more easily demonstratively affectionate with females you care about -maybe it's worth exploring your own sexuality more in a safe way.

It's reasonable that your husband should expect some level of affection from you, and if you are in love, that ability to show him affection should come somewhat naturally. I do believe that marriages go through ebbs and flows where you may love each other but not feel 'in love' all the time; that's where the work comes in. The act of demonstrating affection and appreciation for the other usually triggers a similar response, and it eventually creates its own momentum.

Are you harboring any longstanding resentments against your husband (or anything/anyone else?), because that can turn off those affection instincts in your brain, which is your biggest sexual organ. Ultimately, you may also want to consider having your hormone levels checked if it's a matter of overall libido.

First be honest with him. Tell him it doesn't make you feel comfortable.

I was like you when I was first married, okay I never faked being touchy feely. Still as my kids got older I relaxed. Now I am a hugger, go figure. :)

Counseling is not just for mainline issues. It also is to help re-open the lines of communication.
Letting him know you understand and want to work on it is the first step in opening the lines of communication. Also, ask yourself what is different with being lovely dovey with the kids versus the hubby? Trust me, maternal affection is different.
These things are worth noting and jotting down, then finding a family therapist(family versus standard, as the dynamics are different, and responses are different in one who is not specialised in this) and discussing your issues.

Simple affection starts with "I love you". For those that were not raised in a physically affectionate family, this is not uncommon, nor is it uncommon to have a person in such a family to have one child not be as affectionate. Individuality, if allowed to be expressed, nurtured and developed properly, also can create this, without it being wrong or odd.
Counseling will allow your husband learn more about you, and know that you worked hard on it back in the newlywed phase of your relationship, and that you care enough to work on it twice as hard today.

My father was not the most affectionate at times, and he came from a family of nine children, and a very affectionate family. Half of them are not physically affectionate even to this day, but are warm, personable people in general. When he realised it, he started a tradition. He said "I love you" every morning to each of us. Each of us kids, being smart cookies, answered, "love you two...three...four...", and the last one got to say, "I love you more!" This way, he got us all involved in his quest to be personally more affectionate, and showed us that he was trying(not that we all needed to see it).

Let him know this, and let him know that you are willing to work on it(again opening the lines of communication). Never stop talking about it if you want it to work.

BTW, look in the mirror every morning, smile and tell yourself you love yourself, your husband, your children, your family. Make traditions grounded in affection, and soon it won't feel forced.

Take care of yourself Mama!