Seeking Advice - Cleveland, WI

I am so sorry I do not have any advise, but I want to wish you well. Is there anyone you could borrow the money from to get a lawyer?

"I would say that the average age I heard of to let a judge know where a child wwants to go is 12. I would say since you have had custody of them for the last 10 years and have not been proved abusive your x-husband should not get custody. Also there is a past of him not paying his obligation to you. A judge may look at this and wonder if her will take proper care of them when they're with him. I would say if it goes so far as to go to court be calm (hard to do I know). He is probably just blowing off steam. Do your research in the state that you are in. Good Luck!!
If you need a guardian ad litem that would be fine. However I had one and the counties do not pay for them. The cost is passed along to the parties involved in the dispute. If you have to go this route and he takes you to court. I would ask the court that you do not incurr the cost of it, that he does.

A.,
My brother-in-law got a divorce (his wife found another man to love) he has three boys when they were 10-11-12 they went before the judge in his chambers one by one the judge asked them who they would like to live with and they told him our Dad so my brother-in-law got to keep the kids.she got nothing and she had to pay him child suport.
The way I see it if it has been 10 years he has not been paying child suport on time and is behind. and you have been a good mom to the boys there is no way he can get them now they are old enough to speak for them selves

first off there is no age where they can decide, my ss wanted to live with us and he was 14 and his mom said when hell freezes over is when he could. i know so wrong, second you don't need an attorney, if you got the will to go through and read family laws than you will probably end up knowing more than the attorney anyways. we had to go to court over insurance and medicall bills, her attorney refused to take copies of the bills from us, so in a nutshell he ended up looking like a real idiot in front of the court commisioner.
here's the best advice though keep records or if you have been keeping records of everything than get them organized and use that as proof of what he's been doing. oh and the voice for the child is a gal (guardian ad litem) which is an attorney/counselor maybe social worker they advocate for the child. only reason i know all of this stuff we've actually been there done that and it didn't work for us, but that was probably because my husband isn't a woman. and yes that sounds sexest but unfortunately it works out that way alot of times. at least the county we deal with.
there's always hope it's just extra stress that you or your children don't need. it sounds like you have been the responsible one the whole time so you definitely got something going there! when you go to court let them know how your children feel,but also tell them you just don't have money for the gal they are expensive if i remember they are about $5000 with each paying half.good luck! if you need any advice i've got lots. statues are not that hard to navigate. just a lot of reading.

I'm not sure what exactly is your financial situation, but saying that you can't afford a lawyer is probably not true. There are great agencies out there like Legal Aid that help low-income families. There are also lawyers that will do pro-bono work (for free). The law schools in the area (William Mitchell, U of M, St. Thomas, Hamline) also have clinics that do free work. I would start by either calling Legal Aid or by calling one of the law schools. They will either help you or get you the number of someone who can help you. I would not go in without an attorney. For whatever reason, your ex has decided that he wants to gain control, and who knows how far he is willing to go. It might be his new wife even, but regardless, you don't want to end up losing your kids. I don't know the exact age that a child has to be to have a say, but a child of 13 definately can at least speak up. If no one is asking what your children want, point out to the court what they want. Tell them that they don't want to go. Most likely, they will ask your children directly, and if nothing else, at least it will be heard.

His unwillingness to comply with the previous court orders will not help his efforts to gain custody of your children. I am not a lawyer but I would bet he's got to pay back child support and demonstrate his willingness to comply with any court order concerning his children before any judge would entertain the notion of giving him custody now that he suddenly wants to make it that he definitely won't have to pay support. In other words, he really sounds like a jerk who's not got much of a chance to break up your happy family just by simply taking you to court. There are other issues which need to be dealt with before he could demand custody of your kids. It sounds to me like he is trying to just get out of paying child support, like he's been doing all along.

Continue protecting your children--by not discussing this whole situation with them or in front of them. They are too young to be burdened with the problems of the adults in their life. You are the adult; they are the children. Keep it that way.

If you can get legal assistance from your county department, I think that would be good. If your situation or history precludes you from getting such help, I would say you need to check with your local attorneys and see if anyone would help you at a reduced price or pro bono. It sounds like this is an open and shut case and you definitely have some rights here. Also, another thing you can do is to educate yourself online and at the library, so you can know more about just what you're dealing with here and what your rights are. What a guy your ex is. He sounds like a complete bozo.

A.,
You MUST get a lawyer. You need a tough one. Because the kids have lived with you so long and have special needs; unless he can prove you are an unfit mother, he won't get full custody. Furthermore, a good lawyer can try to get your court fees paid by your ex b/c he has been dragging you into court so much. I realize you must have a budget, but try contacting agencies like: Chrysallis Women's Center in Mpls. They can refer you to your county's legal services. You may be able to get some low cost or even free legal services. You must act right away b/c you'll probably have to get on a waiting list.
Good luck!

I feel like we have the same life!

Well if you've been hearing like age 12 or 14 that the child can choose not to go....that is a myth.
It is until they are 18.....BUT, as the child enter their teens there lives get to be more independent and want to be with their friends more and have more activities with them so the judge said you should not take that away from them.
My ex tried to do the whole joint custody after he got married, our youngest went approx. 3xs, and they were both miserable the whole weekend, and he stopped picking his son up after that.
So we are back to "Non existance" which is fine with us!

Good Luck!

The Legal Aid office where I live is a joke. None of the people I have referred to them have been helped. I hope the legal aid offices in other areas are more useful.

One thing I would suggest is for you to get your children into counseling, at least the ones who are having problems in school. Even if it's just with the school counselor. Not only could they probably really use talking to someone, but also when you go to court this will help prove that you are meeting their needs. Even if a 13-year old is not old enough to decide where they want to live (and I don't think he can, I think it's 14 or 15 in most areas) a counselor could possibly make a recommendation to the court as to what is best for the children.

Hi A. --
I'll start by saying I'm not a lawyer, but a very good friend of our family is and does divorces and child custody. Your children would benefit greatly from a guardian ad litem. This is a lawyer FOR THE CHILDREN, usually paid for by the state/county you are in. I know Wisconsin counties pay for the guardian ad litem. This lawyer talks to the children, takes things into consideration, and makes a recommendation to the judge. Now, granted, your ex-husband will probably maintain some type of custody, because very very rarely is anyone prohibited from seeing their child. But, seeing as how your ex has behaved in the past... it doesn't seem like he would be granted full custody no matter what. (That is VERY unlikely these days.)
I would talk to a local family resources or even just call a few divorce lawyers and see if you can get a GAL appointed for your children. It might do wonders.
GL to you!

HI, I don't know the exact age, but my father is an attorney and I know that the 13 year old and the 11 year old are old enough to have an input in where they live, they may not have the finale say. I also know that if your family has not seen a pyscologist or a social worker, it might be a good time, If they feel the children should stay with you, I works really well in your favor. I also think if you haven't already you should try to contact legal aide, these cases are hard to win without some legal advice.

At the age of 13 they are given the choice in the state of MN. Look into it further but I am certain that they at 13 have the choice.

Divorce laws/family law varies from state to state. If you are not using an attorney, I would recommend doing a lot of research on the internet to know the laws and use them to your advantage. Some states also offer free services to help children of divorce, including counseling. It sounds like your son might benefit from that. Or, if you attend church, check with the church to see if they have counseling services available. I also found church was a great place to network with other people who've "been there" and can give moral support and advice.

I really feel for you. :o(

As to what age children can decide with which parent they want to live - there is no set age. A judge may speak with the children and decide how much weight to give their preference. There are website that you can visit that will give you free legal advice. Also, I think that you can get some help from HACAP. They can help with finding a counselor for the boys to talk to someone about their feelings as well as finding support for you emotionally and financially.

I have a step-son that's 17 and lives with his mother. His parents have been divorced for 14 years, so I've had some experience with child custody laws from the step-mom perspective. I also have a 10-year old son with ADHD so I feel for your struggles. In addition, my 10-year old son and my 4-1/2 year old son both have NF1, so I can feel for you there, too.

I hope I have helped a little. I really do feel for your situation. Be safe and know that there is hope.

I've heard anywhere from ages 10-13 not sure what the exact age as I've heard several stories and situations. Your son is definately old enough to voice his concern.

If the court has previous documentation or records of all your court dates and on going problems with the father then that will definately help your case.

I've been told they look at who's been the primary caregiver the longest and the most stable. Obviously you and that the court rarely removes a child from the stability of the house that's always been primary.

Unless your ex can prove your unfit or your child says he wants to live with dad I don't see it happening. The closest I could see is 50/50 split custody but noway would the dad get full custody over you unless they could prove unfit like I said.