Can He Really Win?

my friend went through a similar situation (though she had a lawyer). try to get one. it's really important.

the one thing she did that was beneficial is to write down EVERYTHING on a calendar. everything he did, said, or didn't do. It shows a pattern and is great evidence. Write down every cent he gives you on that day. when you ask him for anything, write it down... and don't let him know you are taking notes because his behavior will change quickly. if he is a half a$$ dad, it will show. but you really really need to try and get a lawyer.... good luck.

everyone has given you great advice :-)
if you're in broward or miami-dade just call 211 on your phone and you can ask about free/reduced rate legal aid

one more thing: go to radio shack & ask someone there to show you what you need (& how to use it!) so that you can tape record his calls (use your cell phone for this-if he calls your house you can also record those calls or just tell him to call back on your cell).
my sister did this (different situation)& it helped her case a LOT!
don't 'lead' him, but if he's as _____(fill in the blank) as you say he is, then he'll say awful, mean, threatening things all on his own!!!

~L.

Heidi, anything is possible. What you should do is keep a record of everything he has paid for, every time he has come to visit your daughter, everything he has bought for her, as compared to what you have provided for her, the time you spend with her, and so forth. Document the fact that his name is not on the birth certificate BY HIS CHOICE. Also, keep a diary of the way he treats your daughter, what his attitude is like, and so forth. This will be handy in court. Chances are that if he doesn't actually want to spend even his spare time with her, that he is trying to scare you into backing off the money issue. Get a lawyer, even a Legal Aid lawyer, to give you advice. Filing for custody can be expensive and very time-consuming. Unless he is really serious about getting custody, he doesn't sound like the type of person who will invest the time and resources in such a fight. Make sure that he has absolutely no reason at all to accuse you of being an unfit mother. Generally, the only reason courts in the U.S. would grant custody of a baby to a father instead of a mother would be because of the mother's unfitness, so make sure that your behavior is perfect. I can't stress this enough, though: TALK TO A LAWYER. If you get a child support order, see if you can have it processed through the court instead of on the honor system, so that the court will follow up on any missed payments. THEY will pursue him so that you don't have to. And then, try to relax and enjoy your baby!

Hi Heidi..I really feel for you. I can't answer you about how the legal system works...but I am pretty sure that the courts usually favor on the side of the mother. If you can show his lack of signature on the birth certificate, that could be good for you. My husbands friend is in a similar situation...his issue is that he wants to be in the babies life, but the mom says no. His name is not on the birth certificate. I know that before he even has any visitation rights that he has to get a blood/dna test done to prove he's the father. I am really hoping someone on mamasource has some answers for you..but I know there must be some sort of state given free legal service for those who can't afford it. Especially when the well being of a child is involved. I am assuming, if he only has seen her a few times that he really has no interest in any sort of custody...he is probably just threatening you. If I were you I would try to be nice to him, and keep him calm, and on your own, try to see what you can do. I wish I had some better advice...I will ask around...we have some friends who are lawyers, and i'd love to know his rights. On another note, try to keep your spirit as peaceful as possible. Any baby, whether with colic or not, feels their moms stress. Especially considering that she has colic, the best thing you can do for her is be as calm as possible. Peace to you.
A. C.

I was a single mom when I was pregnant with my son who is now 5 years old. My ex used to try the same things regarding not paying child support but demanding to see my son whenever he wanted. He didn't really want to be involved but he enjoyed the control it helped him to maintain over me. He has to pay you child support. Its the law and don't worry about the custody thing. You're the mom...=) I went through the court system for several years and they won't give him custody. But if you open a case and file a motion for contempt for non payment of child support they will serve him with papers. You will have to do a financial affidavit and so will he. Then they will determine the amount. Unfortunately sometimes people have ways of working under the table which doesn't help matters. Oh another thing, don't go through organizations that help you collect. My experience was that the IRS works much better and its free!! Let me know if you want to know anything else. Its difficult but trust me it will all work out fine in the long run. I had a long road but now I'm happily married to a wonderful man and my ex has to pay child support whether he likes it or not. =) It will all be okay.

This may make you feel better...I am not a lawyer but have been through divorce with small children and know lots of people who have. It's not likely that he can get primary custody and you only have visitation unless he can prove you are an unfit mother. From what I've seen and heard, the courts try to keep kids, especially very young ones, with mothers because children need their mother. From experience, I'd say he will probably fight it out with you, and in the end, probably wont even take full advantage of the visitation he fights for. I think a lot of men do that solely to get out of child support. With my ex, it was also a control issue, he never wants to make things easy for me. Good luck with your situation, and if you are in Melbourne and need to talk or hang out, email me!

Well for one he will have to prove that he is the father through a dna test because he never signed the birth certificate. so thats in your favor right now.

two just giving you extra money here and there doesn't actually mean a thing. there is not actual proof that he has given you anything so it doesn't count as child support. thats something that only the government has control of and they are only the ones that can record that. if you really want to prove that you pay for everything for your daughter save all of your reciepts and that will be enough to prove it.

now back to custody. like i said he will have to pay himself for a dna test if he chooses to take you to court. thats alot of money to put out but because he would be the one taking you to court it would have to come out of his pocket. now if child support stepped in to prove that he is the father they will pay for one test and that would be enough proof for him to take you to court. but as it sounds right now he has absolutely no parental rights because his name is nowhere on the birth certificate. usually they will demand paternity to be proven and if its proven they will award the mother with full parental rights and give the father visitation rights. in some cases its joint custody but thats more if you guys were ever legally married with paperwork to prove it. most normal circumstances the father will never be given full custody by a court. its usually very special circumstances that that happens. and being that he hasnt been around much they are going to probably want him to go to parenting classes and possibly therapy.

i would call lawyers for free consultations some of them do that and ask their opinions. otherwise the court might appoint you a lawyer but i am not sure fully about that. what will happen is they will have to prove who if fit to be a parent and most likely there will be visits. but if you have a lawyer even if you dont have the money its reccomended that you get one. they will be able to negotiate the visits for you among other things. and if you push hard enough you will get what you want most likely. fact of the matter is she is still very young so sending her out of state would most likely be out of the question. but keep in mind that right now he has no rights what so ever because he isnt on that birth certificate. until they prove he is the father he can't do anything.

so if i was you i guess i would make a choice on wether you actually want to move forward with child support and prove he is the father or wether you want to just raise this baby by yourself on your own without him being involved ever. yes that is the harder road but sometimes its the best. best advice to give is that you need to keep a log of everything. money he gives you, phone calls, visits, conversations, what they are about times dates everything. i wish you luck and if you have any more questions please feel free to message meand i'll try to answer anything best as i can. but i am not a professional by any means i have just been through a very similar situation so i know.

If you can't afford a lawyer which is the best thing then you should try calling the Miami Dade Courthouse to ask for their self help packages. There are people in child custody/support that are there to help and answer questions for free. Unfortunately he does have rights as the father but so do you. You need to first take him to court for child support and also deal with the visitation and custody issues. You need to get everything on paper!! Don't let it just be a verbal agreement between the two of you. And since he is moving to another state I'm sure he will be able to see his child but visitation also depends on the child's age. That comes into play alot since a yound child is not going to get on an airplane by themselves of course. You need to seek legal advise so you definately need to call around and seek free help which there is out there plenty of. It may not be the fatest service because you are not paying for it but it's something. Good luck!!

Can you really afford not to get a lawyer? I am not a lawyer and I am not giving legal advice. I am speaking as a woman who has gone through this twice.
He could actually be awarded custody and you could have visitation. That's why you need a lawyer who specializes in family law, one who could be there for you if the ex decides to pull some sneaky moves.
Make sure you get the child support your daughter deserves and have him make payments through the system. Don't do him any favors when he wants to pay you directly. Enforcement is easier if you go through the system.
You need to file for custody determination, support and visitation and whatever the outcome, that's when he sees her and how much he'll be required to pay. You definitely want to be named the primary custodial parent. That means a lot.
Sounds like the guy thinks he can call the shots here. Truth is, he can't. But you need to find a way to get legal assistance. You can look into filing on your own, too. In Florida, you can get all the forms on line and file on your own.

It's a good idea to keep an accurate log of how much money he gives to support your daughter and how much time he spends with her. This could mean a lot when your case comes before a judge.

You may be able to get help from Legal Aid. Also, depending on
your financial situation, your lawyer may ask the courts to have the baby's father pay your legal fees. You can probably file on your own and go to court with out a lawyer, too. But definitely go to court. And don't wait for him to file first. Your baby deserves to be supported and no little girl needs a stressed out Mom.
Good luck with everything.

Hi, Heidi! Unfortunately, as long as he tells a judge he wants to be a dad ---he will get a chance. Yes he could take her every other weekend. She is only 4 months old but depending on when you get a hearing with a judge he will see her and you will be ordered to give her to him---yes ALONE. My case: my son's dad met him in Family court services (the worst experience) he had signed off on (waived) visitation rights and contact with the baby but when we had a hearing the judge asked him if he wanted to meet his son and he said YES (lier) and that turned my life around he met the baby when he was 5 months old at Famly Court Services.................I have been at this since April 2007---I have gone thru a guardian at litem appointed by the judge to represent my son he is now 18 nonths--------the jerk has appeared and dissappeared throughout this time only to say 3 weeks ago that he indeed wants NO contact with the baby. There are more details and I could definetely tell you what I would have done different but it is a long story. If you want to call me ###-###-#### or ____@____.com I would be more than happy to lend you an ear and give you some "advise" I am NOT a lawyer but after he made me spend 1000 trying to get agreements done etc I figure I could do it on my own. Good luck to you!!!

You have to get prepared emotionally for what you will go through having Friends and Family to support you will help.

Everyone has given you EXCELLENT advice. ASSUMING that you are in Florida here are my two cents.

He will not get custody unless he has HARD EVIENCE that you are an unfit mother.

You need to keep a journal with everything that he does or pays and if he is paying for things in cash there is no way that he will prove in court that he is helping you financially. You are the only one who knows. Child support is RETROACTIVE, therefore, he will be responsible for his share since your baby was born. Not only that, YOU can make him pay for your lawyer IF you find one who is willing to take your case based on your situation. Further, depending on the circumstances you can also file for Alimony. I cannot say anymore, because you don't mention if you are working and more importantly if HE is working and has a steady job.

These are just additional thoughts. Be strong, you will make it.

Best of luck.

Call a legal aide or a law school, sometimes the law students will help you...............Also Call children's services and tell them the story above, I am sure someone there will give you some of the info you are looking for................

Also, I do believe the fact that he did not sign the birth certificate might be in your favor............

I seriously doubt he can take her from you especially out of the state. I would still make sure you have all of your affairs in order such as a job, responsible childcare. Show good family support or at least a good support system, don't let them have any reason to play dirty. Keep a clean environment which I am sure you probably do all these things already. I wish you the best with this situation and I hope maybe you will find a good lawyer that can help you. Also keep track of everything he says and does regarding you and the baby, especially the money. If he leaves any type of negative messages for you do not erase them. www.DiscoveryToysLink.com/LisaRyan

Hello Heidi ,

It is very unfurtunate what you & your baby are going thru . There is help out there . You just need to do some research . He might be the biological father but he didn't even bother siging the Birth Certificate , that itself tells you what kind of a person he is . ( There is one proof , he is not an adequate father to say the least ) There are publlic attorney that can help no charge .You need to explain your situation . The office is in Downtown somewhere not sure where though , Sorry , BUt please call 411 and ask . He should be one of the first stresses you need to get rid off . I wish you well .
~ A.

Most judges will not approve overnight visitation until the child is 18 months old. Usually for the first 18 months it is supervised visitation or visitation in your home. I have 2 step children and we live out of the state from them. We get every other weekend and 4 weeks in the summer and every other holiday. Well since we live 1200 miles away we do not do the weekends or holidays just the summer, and my husband flys there to see them. It is not as bad as you think it will be. They do not seperate the kids from their moms. Hope that helps. I would talk to a lawyer though.

I read your email to my husband for advice. He is not a lawyer but has background in law. He said every state should have a division called Legal Aid. They should be able to help you. You should be able to go online or to the courthouse to contact them. I have a few friends who are lawyers but they are personal injury attorneys. I will check with them and see if they have further suggestions for you. Sounds like he might be all talk in hopes you don't ask for too much in child support or will leave him alone and not ask for any. It may be a scare tactic on his part. That's my personal opinion. Not knowing him I don't know but it's a thought.

I don't have any legal advice for you whatsoever. But I can tell you that you need to know things will work out. Everything will be okay. Just try to relax and get some help with some stress relief. Your baby will not wait for ever before she starts soaking up (like the sponges that they are) all that negativity. In fact that might be why she's been colic. Try to make the home a healthy environment. Stress is not healthy. Men are not very good with babies to begin with. My husband still won't change diapers and we have three now. But he has gotten a little better about watching them for me by now. Don't let him get to you. Just do what you can to enjoy these special moments with your baby. Everything will work out in due time. Feel free to write me back if you just need to vent. I wouldn't have gotten through these 6 years of parenting if it weren't for someone to lean on - not my man, either, go figure. I hope this has helped you at least a little bit. God bless you and your baby. Take are - A.

It would take a seriously blind judge to award him any kind of custody with or without a lawyer! I have had a similar situation and the father keeps threatening to take custody but he has never actually filed. Just make sure you keep documentation of EVERYTHING that happens so you have something to show the judge if he does ever take you to court. Also explain to the judge because you have no help with expenses you are unable to afford a lawyer. That will also show the judge that he is paying for a lawyer but not supporting his child. There is also Legal Aid you could go to if he ever actually takes you to court. I hope everything works out for you and if you ever need someone to talk to please let me know. God bless you and your daughter!

I would contact Legal Aid - downtown West Palm Beach and certianly would not trust him with your child no matter how stressed out you are!

There should be some sort of legal aid in your area, regardless of how small. I would go to the courthouse in your area and ask for a referral to the nearest legal aid office or if they know of any family law attorneys who take on hardship cases pro bono.
AS for the father, it sounds like he is trying to get you to drop the child support thing by threatening to take the baby away from you. My sister's ex, disappears for years at a time and then shows up asking to see their daughter unless she agrees to reduce/drop the child support. It's a big head game.
In your favor for custody, his name is not on the birth certificate, so unless he's willing to open himself up to a DNA test then he doesn't really have a claim for visitation/custody. It's a double-edged sword for you, too, though. WIthout his name on the birth certificate (or a DNA test), you may not be able to go after him for child support. So you may come to a choice of sacrificing child support in lieu of allowing him visitation/any kind of custody. I would choose keeping the baby safe with you over the $ if at all possible.

I'm not a lawyer, but I think it would help if you had witnesses of his behavior, like a friend or your mom or someone who can testify to all these things. My therapist tells me that most of the time custody goes to the mom; it doesn't really sound like he has a case. Isn't there some kind of low cost legal assistance you can get just to give you some support?