Respecting Elders with a Grain of Salt

I have been looking int stranger safety advice to teach my 3yo.

One thing I like is teaching three types of people... "Green" people are people she is 100% secure with... Mom, dad, and other immediate family. She can interact with green people however she wants.

"Yellow" people are people she is aquatinted with... Teachers, coaches, family friends. Yellow people are ok to talk to, but never keep secrets for them, never go anywhere with them without the permission of the green person in charge of her, etc.

"Red" people are people she doesn't know. She has to get permission to interact with red people. She is allowed to smile at them and maybe wave, but no touching or talking to them until after Mommy acknowledges her desire to do so and gives her permission.

I think the idea needs some tweaking, but it gave me a good place to start making my plans from. :)

I think it is okay to ask teach him that we keep our hands to ourselves while on the subway and save the high fives for those that we know. Let him know if he is unsure, he can ask you if it is okay.

You might teach him that a smile or nod is okay.

My older daughter was raised in a very different neighborhood than the younger one. When in danger, I could whisper under my breath get it in and she hopped in the car without questions. The younger one has to ask about 5 questions before she gets yanked inside the car and the doors are locked.

I was molested by "green" people as a tween. The people I know who have been abused or molested as children were also abused by "green" people. That's how they get away with it. Teach your child to their gut, and make sure they know they can tell you anything about anything.

I have always allowed my boys to speak to anyone/everyone when they are with me. When I am not with them the rule is that they can speak to strangers, but never go anywhere with a stranger, and always keep personal space. I have also taught them what to look for in a stranger when asking for help, such as someone in uniform, an employee of the place they are at, a mom (or a dad) with children.

"Strangers" are usually nice people who, if they saw a distressed child, would do everything in their power to help and comfort. Please do not treach your child "strangers" equal "danger." Teach him to be wise about who he approaches and when, but not to be afraid.

I think these are two separate topics: Being respectful to other human beings. And being safe and smart.

Respect is caught, not taught. Teach your son to respect others by modeling the correct behaviors. He'll follow your lead. When he says something that's not quite right, gently tell him, "We say 'I'm pleased to meet you,' and put out our hand to shake hands when we meet someone new." (or whatever applies). Nobody will mind if you make the correction right in front of them. Peope LIKE to see parents teaching their kids to be respectable humans.

As for strangers, that's also something that you work on over many lessons. You don't just sit down and have a long, confusing, frightening conversation about who is or isn't safe. You use the situation you're in. At the fair: "If you get separated from Mommy and Daddy, look for a nice mommy with her kids or a policeman and they will help you find us." Etc.

Good luck!

He's too young to differentiate between people like that. You need to teach him to respect EVERYONE. Respecting people does not mean everyone gets to tell him what to do and that he has to do it, but all people deserve to be shown respect until they show that they do not deserve it. He's much too young for these concepts.

BTW, don't forget that most molestation is at the hands of family or close friends so be careful how much emphasis you put on total respect for family and close friends. Just because they are family/close friends does NOT mean they are deserving of respect.

I think you need to re-think your approach or at least your language. He needs to be taught that there are boundaries even with family and close friends.

Your 3 year old is exactly like my eldest daughter (now 13). From the time she outgrew her separation anxiety at 18 months old, she's had no fear of strangers and every single person she meets with a kind face is considered a "friend" within a minute or so of friendly conversation. This is in spite of drilling it into her that she may not speak to strangers that don't have prior approval from me or her dad or whichever supervising adult is with her. She has been so forward with strangers since toddlerhood that strangers would say to her, "Young lady, don't you need your mommy's permission to speak with me?" and she would reply, "I only need my permission."

In our case, she has severe ADHD (only diagnosed two years ago) and is Oppositionally Defiant. She has believed since she could speak and walk that her judgment, even when it opposes mine, is equal to that of an adult and that she doesn't need parenting. So our instance in this may very well be different than yours.

With my other two children, they've always paid attention to the rules. When I do give permission, they'll ask me why I did later and I'll explain it to them. Very often it's adults I already know and/or have interacted with before. Very often I'm trusting my instincts about their behavior and how they're speaking to me and they're behavior towards my children.