Relationships - Cleveland,OH

NO, absolutely NOT. YOu will sabotage the relationship one way or another. Your distrust WILL surface. Honestly, why would you want to be with soemone you don't trust? Are you that insecure? You need to ask yourself that ?.

Plain and simple No you can't.
If a man cheats once he will most likely cheat again. I learned the hard way.

Hello R., I am 68 and have been married 49 years and will be 50 Nov. 2009. For me there is one definite reason that I would contanplate divorce or not get married in the first place is if my mate cheated on me. I have always told my spouse that if he felt he needed to cheat then he does not love me enough to be true in any way. This is by choice but that is my choice, so it is up to you what you do but it is not for me. You will make the right decision for you. Good Luck

Hi R.,
I am a great-grandmother, and I would tell you to finish your schooling , so that you and your son will have a good life together and get rid of the bum that cheated on you, and find someone who will respect you and your son. LIfe is too short to always be worring what your mate is doing and he obviously isn't ready to be true to you or any one else. Don't put yourself through the pain, you deserve better!!! Oh and by the way I love your name.
Take care

R.,

No, you cannot successfully be with someone you do not trust. If you had someone cheat on you, forgiven him, talked about it, and actually resolved it, then you could have a relationship. However, without trust, there can be no future. Besides, honestly, women always say that once a man has cheated on them once, they will do it again. You are young, you have a baby, and you deserve a loving, trusting relationship.

Best wishes,
K.

You know in your heart what you should do, but it's very difficult to have a relationship with someone you cannot trust, as if your guts are telling you that staying with him is not such a good idea. I'm sure you're hurt and would like to get on with life as if it didn't happen, but this is an issue you've got to address - either make him earn your trust or make yourself available to someone more worthy of your affection.

Don't stay with him because you don't want to be alone or he's convenient - you got to love yourself first before you find the right person.

Keep in mind you are setting an example for your son; yes he is young but you'd be surprised at what he picks up on. Do you want him to be unhappy in his relationships? You need to teach by example that cheating is not acceptable behavior to do or to put up with.

R., I would say do not be with someone you cannot trust. If this person cheated on you and you want to give him another chance, I would require AT LEAST one year of complete faithfulness before I went back with him and beyond that, any further cheating would be the final straw, and NO MORE relationship after that!!!!
You must not "settle" for an untrustworthy person.
You do not want your child to learn such ways.
Your child comes first now, and you must make a life for yourself and your child.
Good luck to you.

Trust is the most important component of a relationship. You're very young, and you will meet lots of people during your lifetime. Don't settle for anything less than wonderful.

I was a mom in a bad marriage, and I decided to get out. Being a single mom was hard, but it was WAY BETTER than being in a bad relationship.

Trust your instincts. If you're questioning the relationship, it's probably not a good one.

No. Plain and simple. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. If you don't trust your mate, you will drive yourself crazy constantly worrying about the next time he will hurt you. If he's already broken your trust once, theres a really strong chance he will do it again.

Trust has to be re-built after a breach. If you are wanting to build a family with this man, and he is the father of your child, why haven't you married?

My husband cheated on me twice in our marriage, and we worked things out. Some people can't get over it, but if there is no marriage committment to start with, it seems to me that there is not much incentive for either one of you to stay faithful.

Talk to the man. It's time he make a committment or gets out. I just don't understand why women allow themselves to be devalued so. Children deserve married parents, and women deserve the status of wife if they are loved.

good luck,
L.

I have to agree with Julie A C. I think it all depends on how the situation happened. From all the comments I read, this is crucial. Some people don't really have a great relationship to start with, you let the days pass and don't really work on it. You distance each other slowly and one day he cheats. In this scenario...was he getting what he needed from the relationship? Was this just the wake up call to start working on your relationship? Only you know deep inside if there is really love and respect in the relationship to save it. On the other hand, there's that scenario were a guy will cheat just for the fun of it, he has no respect for the relationship and should never be trusted again. My husband cheated on me when we were dating, he told me everything about it and we discussed that at that time he was still unsure about his feelings about me and what he wanted in our relationship. It was very hard at the beginning to overcome the pain but at the end it was worth it. We've been together for 8 years and completely trust him now. Deep inside I knew that he was saying the truth and that he wanted to have everything out in the open in our relationship, no secrets. On the other hand, I've dated guys before that cheated on me several times. I was the one that caught them lying or I had suspicions. But even on those situations, I knew deep inside that they didn't love me the same way I did and that they would never change. So only you really knows what to do. What kind of guy is he really is? Listen to your heart and you mind. The comments posted here are all based on our personal experiences so they only apply to you if they are similar to your situation. In my case, if I had thought "a cheater is always a cheater" I wouldn't have had this wonderful life I have now with my husband and our kids. So think carefully before you make a decision.

If you can't forgive him and really trust him, even deep down, then I dn't think it will work.
I had my son at 20, his dad was 19. We got to the point we couldn't trust each other. I never cheated on him, and I don't think he ever did on me. We were going to be doing a distance relationship (Ohio & North Carolina), and we got to the point we didn't think we could do it so we started to not trust the other.
Now, my son is 6, we have a great relationship (most the time--as they ALL have their problems together as a couple or not). We don't date each other anymore, but we are there for each other when needed. He has a 2 and half year old and is divorced and we take the boys places together so they have time together. BUT we still know that we don't really work.
For your child, it would be best to figure it out earlier rather than later. :)

hello we are woman we are emotional and i am one never to throw stones but i know where you come from.many woman stay with a man cuz of this thing.some are scared they cant make it on their own.but yes you can make it on your own.this may occur again and it may not.it is something you have to make up your mind on.once a cheat always a cheat

I don't think I could. Cheating the the ultimate rejection to me. It says "You aren't worth being faithful to and I don't care about your feelings." I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't think I'm worth being with exclusively. I don't believe it "just happens" and I have never found it hard to to cheat so I don't believe these excuses people give. If you didn't want to cheat and you respected the person you say you love, you wouldn't do it.

R.,know you can't be with a person you don't trust it's not fair to you or the other person. If your conscience is telling you something is not right, you need to listen to that inner voice. But I will say that you need to talk it over with this other person, communication is the key. If you are still having doughts then you need to let this relationship end. Is this person the father of your child? It is not healthy for your child if there is a mistrust in this relationship. I will say to you though if this is the father of your baby, is your relationship worth fighting for? Only you can answer that. You are so young, if you want better for yourself and baby you are going to have to make some very hard decision. I'm glad to hear that you are furthering your education, don't stop. I know it's hard to be mother and go to school but in the long run you win. I hope this was helpful to you, I know your struggle I was in the same postion many years ago. Do what is best for you and your baby. I did and I'm a happliy married stay at home mom of 5 kids and a wonderful career that I get to work from home.

If you are not married and he is showing no signs of committing to you, then don't hang around. Break all ties with him and have no contact with him for 3 months. If after that three months he contacts you and wants to marry you, and you are willing, then you will have to forgive him and forget the cheating episode. If you can't do that, then be honest with him and move on with your life. If he is the father of your child, please try to work things out BUT DON"T BE A DOORMAT. If his child means anything to him he will work with you too. Tell him you want to trust him and set some boundaries for BOTH of you to follow and if he breaks them them stand your ground and separate. Like "don't give other women your phone number", even if they are a friend. No women is going to call your man unless she is interested him. Don't let him fool ya! If it is not a relative, she does not need to be calling! You are young and have to concetrate on your responsibility now and be a mother and a good student. YOu don't need to be worrying about this mess - so if he does not want to be honest and be your man, dont hesitate to let him go. Hank in there!

Dear R.,
I would get out of the relationship. A relationship is based on trust and he has violated that trust because he is not commited to you. You need someone that will cherish you and thinks of you more than himself. Someone that would want to marry you because he loves you. L. J

Once the trust is gone, I don't think you can ever get it back. You will always be wondering where he is when he is gone and it will always be in the back of your head. I say, move on. You are really young and there are millions of men out there that will be faithful.

This isn't a simple question. For instance, did he get caught, or did he come clean out of guilt? Did he explain exactly why he had the affair? How long did the affair go on, was it a one time thing or an ongoing relationship?

These things are really important because without you having a total understanding of each one of them, you won't be able to wrap your mind around his bad decision. I think there are a lot of women who are able to forgive their significant other after an affair, but those women also have to make sure that they're willing to move past it. It can't be something that can continuously be brought up. They can't let their distrust bring about an obsessiveness that takes over their lives. If you find that you are not going to be able to trust him again, then you owe it to yourself no matter how hard it is, to move on. Who wants to live a life full of secondguessing and obsessively checking phone records? It's so hard when you're a stay at home mom, but you have to remember that it's the change of your current life that is truly the scariest, but getting a job is easy, and is something that all of us women have more than enough in us to tackle and conquer.

YOu are so young. To do this you cannot do this by yourself. YOu need to both talk to a counselor and I also recommend an older married couple to mentor with. Relationships/marriage is a journey and there will be ups and downs over many issues. The older you get the more experience you have to manage or work through these situations. Having a more mature woman/man guiding you will help you to see the natural progression in relationships and also how to give and take in a relationship. If you don't get any help the relationship will not improve and you will not learn how to work together through issues that arise and this issue is a deal breaker. Your local church can help too and it is inexpensive. I am a 45 year old mother of 4 who had a baby at 19 and married at 29. I know I wasn't prepared for what GOd had handed me but he put around me important people who helped me to where I cam today. DO I know everything? NO. Life is an adventure/journey and it is much better if there is someone there next to you. And I quickly found out the Lord is always there and He never leaves you. Seek Him and we will guide you.

Trust is not something that comes back overnight. It's hard to tell if you should be with this person or not. Did he seem SINCERELY sorry? Like he couldn't live without you? Or is he just "mad" that you can't trust him again? Some men seem to get a revelation of how stupid they were and would NEVER do it again. Some are just sad they got caught. My husband had a one night stand when we were only married for months. It was awful. I understand because we married ridiculously young and we were each others firsts and onlys but it is not an excuse. He felt SO guilty!!! I have NEVER in my life seen him cry the way he did when he told me. It definitely took me a long time to move past it and learn to trust him again but I only did because I knew it the very depths of my heart that he truely was sorry. He was a completely changed man and has been from that day foward.
So I know whole heartedly that he has been faithful and loyal since then. I think that you will be able to tell the difference. If it is obvious that your boyfriend does not apprieciate you and honestly doesn't care then you need to let him go. If he truely loves you it is obvious that he would never want to hurt you again or live a day in his life without you.

It's very hard to "get over" the hurt of someone who cheats on you. If you aren't able to trust him, you will always wonder where he is at when he is not with you. You don't want to live a life of "what-ifs". Maybe you should take a break from him and concentrate on your son and your education, and wait to see if he has changed in a period of time. Only time will tell. I wish you the best!

"Can you be with someone you can't trust?" Sure. But why bother? If this were a girlfriend, and you could not trust her not to say bad things about you to others, you would break off the relationship.

Why would you bother to have a relationship with someone whom you KNOW is not trustworthy? Especially if it is YOUR conscience, not theirs, that is bothered. THEY do not have any guilt over their activity, it is all YOUR FAULT? Huh?

If you were ninety years old, I would say, don't waste your time and love on someone who does not value you. Time and you are both too valuable to be wasted.

You are young, why waste ANY more time on this person who is unreliable? Put on your big girl panties, kick him out, and go get the GOOD life you deserve with someone who deserves you. This unfaithfulness was not your fault, it was his, don't let him play mind games with you that you are too picky about ethics and values, you will have a hell of a life!

Get on to a GOOD rest of your life, where you are not "at fault" for his lies, and you don't have to worry at night. You can be a single mom, far better than a beaten down woman who accepted this garbage. Would you want your child to accept that this behavior is OK? If not, then you have to show how to move on FOR yourself, even if it is BY yourself.

You know this, or you would not have asked. You are just reluctant to do it. But you have to make this change. Go, girl, and get a better life!!

It is all your call. If this is a deal breaker for you, you can't get over it, then you need to leave. If you decide it's worth it to stay, then he is the one who has to be patient until you can trust him again. But making yourself crazy by feeling compelled to check on him constantly, is no benefit to you and who you want to be.
Visit Dr. Phil's site, there's lots there on the subject.

I don't think so and I've been there. You can forgive, but you will never forget, it will always be a thought. My eight year old daughters father cheated on me right after she was born and I divorced him. We got back together off and on and I could never trust him, we never had the relationship we did before the cheating occured, not to mention he had done it again. I'm a firm believer once a cheater always a cheater. We have a good friendship now and he cheats on his girlfriends he has now so nothing every changed with him.

You are so young & have so much time in front of you. You should find someone you can trust. There are trustworthy guys out there. College may be a good place to meet some.

My sister had a baby girl when she was 18. She was going to marry the dad but he was very untrustworthy. She decided not to. When her daughter was 5 she met a great guy. He held a good job. He treated my niece like she was his own. They have been together ever since! Married for almost 14 years. Very happy & have another little girl now.

I cannot even imagine how her life would have turned out if she married the untrustworthy guy. We just heard that even after having 3 kids together, that guy's wife divorced him. She probably had a good reason.

Think about how you want your life & your son's life 10 years from now. Do not compromise. I wish you the best.

I felt compelled to respond....I first of all want to say you are the only person who can decide if you should stay with your boyfriend or not. Only you can make that decision, no one else. Also don't feel like you have to stay with him because you have a child together. It sounds like you need to have a good sit down with your boyfriend and talk about how you are feeling. I don't know your whole situation, but you may want to talk things over with a third neutral party, like a counselor. I can tell you that I disagree with people who say once a cheater, always a cheater. My husband cheated on me very early in our marriage. I am not going to lie, it was a hard and tough situation. I had to do some soul searching myself and it is something you will never forget, but you both have to be willing to re-build the trust. If you feel that you cannot ever trust this person again then you already know your answer. For my situation, we are still happily together and better than ever. People always make mistakes, after all we are only human. I wish you the best and keep us posted :)