Hi, I need some quick advice. One of our kid's grandmothers lives very close to us and we see her about 2 times a week. We are hosting the other grandparents this week and they are only here for 1 week and have never been to our home in 7 years due to illness. They were finally able to make the trip and we are happy to spend time with them here. Problem is, the local grandma is feeling VERY left out. She was over to visit yesterday and then wanted to do something today, but visiting Grandpa invited us out to dinner and I don't feel right about also extending that invitation to her (let me spend more of your money and have local Grandma tag along). I invited her to come over to play a game and have dinner on Friday night and she was very sad..to the point of sounding like she was going to cry, since plans today didn't work out. :( What am I doing wrong? I also plan to have her over for the Mother's Day festivities and will give them both gifts and lots of attention. I feel like I should allow the visiting grandparents some days with just us and the kids to bond with them. They never get to see them. But, am I doing this wrong? At this point it's looking like we'll spend every other day during the week long visit with both sets of grandparents. What do most families do in this case? I've never had to juggle, because this is the first time we've lived in the area of a grandparent. Should I expect to invite her to everything, even things I don't plan? Thanks!!
Thanks all! I really appreciate the help. I have let local grandma know when we'll be able to see her and I think it's helping that she knows dates and rough timing so she can plan and anticipate. She also said she was being sensitive and that she is fine. So, all is well and I am glad I was acting appropriately with this new situation. :) It has been a great visit with the other parents and I'm glad this was just a blip in the week.
Local grandma could stand to do a little growing up.
There's absolutely NO reason for her to pout because her schedule is out of whack for one week.
You're doing nothing wrong. Local Granny is pouting like a spoiled child because she isn't getting her way.
She gets to spend time with the kids EVERY WEEK. The other grands haven't been able to spend time with the kids in SEVEN YEARS.
She needs to put on her big girl panties and step back and let the other grands have as much time as possible with the kids while they are visiting.
I'll chime in as a grandma. The local grandma is use to having a routine so this visit is making her change up her week which she doesn't seem to like. Its important for the out of town grandparents to have a week to give great memories to your children. Local grandma should know this but unfortunately she's just not seeing it.
If this is your mom then give her a call and tell her that long distance grandparents need special time and next week things will be back to normal. If its your hubby's mom then he should call and say the same thing.
DO NOT include her in things this week other than mother's day. The out of town parents need a week to bask in the glory of seeing their grandchildren and that trumps local grandma's routine.
I think local grandma is being selfish and needs to let the visiting grandparents have week (Mother's Day being the exception is she must). She is an adult and should understand this. I have one set 5 hours away and one 24 hours away - when the 24 hour grands came, I don't think the 5 even called, so the 24 could have their time.
Don't let yourself or your kids get stressed over this. GL.
I think the local grandma needs to be more understanding of the circumstances. And yes, it would be rude of you to invite her to events you didn't plan, and it's even more rude of her to make you feel badly about it.
She is being unreasonable. When family or friends cone from out of town I stop everything else. Just explain to her that your kids get to see her 2x a week but these grandparents only get to see them 1 x a week so normal activities stop until their visit is over. You should not have to include her in everything m I would still see her on mothers day if she will come to you
We live local to one set of grandparents and the other set lives out of state. When the out of state grandparents come to visit the local set do not plan to see us at all the week or 2 the visiting set are here. We do try to plan something where everyone gets together as my parents and my husband's parents are good friends. It's usually dinner at my parents house (the local grandparents) where we also invite my brother and his family and my husband's brother will often come to town to visit as well and the kids all run around and play.
The visiting grandparents get priority of your time because they are here for a limited time. When it is appropriate to invite the local grandparent, do so if you would like. But it's not always going to be appropriate. Her feelings may be a little hurt but you can't feel bad about it. It's her issue, not yours. Mean as that sounds.
The visiting grandparents get the privileges this week..... this is coming from a grandma that lives in the same town as the grandkids!
You are including her for Mother's Day.
She may get her feelings hurt, but explain it this way:
"You get to see the kids several times a month, while the other grandparents rarely get to see them. This week needs to be just with the other grandparents. You already have a great relationship with the grandkids, but they need that time with their grandchildren, also.
You will be coming over on Sunday for Mother's Day.
I find her pouting very childish... it isn't about her, it is about the grandkids and the other grandparents this week!
We have a similar situation.
I never justify our position. I simply say "Sorry you feel that way (excluded). That's not our intent. I hope you can respect that we'd like to spend some time with our visitors".
Then say you're looking forward to Mother's Day.
I find it works quite well.
I've even said "I'm sure you value our time one on one with you ... we'd like to give them the same opportunity".
Good luck :)
Local grandma is being very inconsiderate. Mothers Day, of course, celebrate together. I would speak to local grandma very gingerly and explain how important it is for kids to form relationship with other set if grandparents. If local grandma is your husbands mother, have him handle.
Local Grandma needs to back down. I agree with your decision to have her over for Mother's Day, and if her birthday happened to hit during a visit like this, I'd say to have a party for that. Otherwise, she's being selfish. Maybe she feels taken advantage of during the regular weeks - maybe she thinks she is helping and babysitting rather than just visiting? Maybe she needs to "show off" to the absent grandparents that she is vital and hands-on and needed?
During the year, do you ever tell her that a certain is not convenient because you or the kids have other plans? How does she take this? Do you feel she needs these visits more than you do, or that she would get very upset if she couldn't come? If so, it's all about HER needs and her insecurities.
If she is your husband's mother, then he needs to be the one to say to her, "Mom, we love seeing you and you have a very lopsided access to the grandkids 51 weeks a year. This week, L.'s parents are here for the first time in 7 years. They've been sick and it's been impossible to include them at anywhere near an equal level for all this time. Please understand that they need time on their own with us, just as you have had it twice a week for 7 years. We can't ask L.'s dad to pay for your meal or work his conversation around extra people. And we don't want to throw it in their faces that you are here all the time because it will just make them sad. You wouldn't want that, would you? They'll be gone next Tuesday and then we can go back to normal." If Local Grandma is your mother, then you make the speech.
You're doing just fine! You're not doing anything wrong! Local grandma is just used to having all of you to herself, so this is a big adjustment for her. She'll work through it and be okay.
She should know that it's not up to you to ask for her to be included when the other grandparents are taking your family to dinner.
You've invited her to come to your home on Friday night and again on Sunday, and that is enough. The out of town grandparents who rarely get to see the kids should be allowed to have some time of their own with their grandchildren.
You should not have to explain this or apologize for this, so don't let her emotions put you in a position where you feel like you have to. Just be confident that you are doing the right thing, and let HER deal with her feelings about this. She's a grown-up, after all!
Enjoy your visit!
J. F.
I don't think you are doing anything wrong and no you do not have to include her/them in everything. Yes, she should respect that. And yes, it would be rude to tell the other grandma that you are inviting someone else to her invitation. However, I wonder if, now that you are close by and she has a taste of what it is like being with someone often, that she is afraid of being alone and left out. .
My MIL lives in town. My kids see her anywhere from 1-7 times a week. She has pretty much no life outside of them.
My parents live 1000 miles away. They come here once or twice a year. Lately it has been just once a year and it coincides with my dad's visits to Mayo Clinic for some health issues. We only see them 1-2 other times a year when we go to visit them.
When my parents are here, they are the priority. My kids spend time bonding with them. We will have dinner or Sunday brunch with my MIL and SIL once the week my parents are here. If the kids have a special event going on we will also include my MIL.
Maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't think it is fair to expect my parents to share my kids in that one week when my MIL can see them pretty much anytime she wants to. It probably makes my MIL unhappy (or more likely pissed off) but we can't always get what we want.
You are doing great. Use Mom B's quotes and don't feel guilty about it.
How sad that the other grandma is so insecure that she doesn't let u spend time alone with ur guests.
Take the time for the other set of grandparents. U don't know when you'll see them next.
Whoever Local Grandma's child is should have a heart to heart with her. Help her understand that this is the very limited time that Non Local Grands get to spend with their kids. They get one week in 7 years. She gets to see them every week. She needs to understand or at the very least you need to tell her that there needs to be space and you need to have boundaries so that the out of town guests get more time. I really don't "get" these grown people who cannot understand that they are not being replaced but that all of their time with their grandkids is via the generosity of their children and children-in-law. Whining and fussing when she has to share is a huge turnoff.
I lived non-local to my mom's parents for many years and when they visited or we visited them, we always had some "grands only" time with them when we weren't sharing them with any other extended family members. If it's not working to see both on the "regular" schedule, then don't force yourself to make it work for everyone else. She sounds high maintenance and that would drive me crazy.
IMO you are only here asking because MIL can't grow up and deal with the other grands being close by. No, she should not be expected to be invited to everything. Even my 6 yr old understands that if her neighbor friends have family or other guests over, that's their time, not her time.
A friend of mine lives overseas. About once every 3 years she gets to come home. She returned to her home overseas in tears because this last trip her parents had invited her sister's children to stay with them, and her children got no undivided time since the grands were also taking care of other children. She is rethinking the next trip in 3 years because it was so awful.
"mom, you know that X and XX are only here for a few days. You get to see us every few days. they haven't seen us and the kids in 7 years! You have to understand and back off a bit. You're coming over on Mother's Day and you'll get to spend time with us then".
