Question For/about Grandparents About Time with Kids

I think they want to help and are assuming that what they are offering is what you would want. Then you are getting upset but you're not correcting them. The next time they offer, you should tell them, what I really need is for you to come over and spend the day with the kids while I catch up on laundry and cleaning and maybe it will give me a chance for a nap. (Or whatever it is that will actually help you). This way they can come spend time with the kids and you can get some other things done.

Two possibilities:

1) They are controlling,

2) They are not comfortable being around you.

Theresa N. might have a point. It sounds to me like they are just trying to be helpful. You might want to do a little soul-searching. If you discover something unpleasant there, then maybe you can work on it. If you don't, then they are the problem.

My mother lives almost next door to my sister and her family and she hardly EVER goes over there. It's her own daughter but she really doesn't want to intrude. I know my sister would like her to just hang out some but my mom says "I can't go there and just sit around!!" My mom is the most helpful mom you can be but she needs something kind of specific. I agree with some other people to start inviting them either over for a casual lunch/dinner or to event type things. Then when you feel like the kids would be comfortable enough, start having them babysit.

Wow- I have to say that you sound really ungrateful. Serioiusly-they are offering to help out because they know you are alone and you are knocking them??!!! I have a feeling you would be crying also if they were NOT offering...all, "my inlaws do nothing to help me yada yada.." Sorry-your post does not sit well with me at all. And to be honest the reason that they do not come around could be your attitude towards them. There are many many women on this board who would give anything for a little help from the grandparents-me included. And I wouldn't put conditions on it either.

Hmm, sounds to me like they do not want to overstep boundaries (and frankly I can understand why, your post does not make ME feel all warm and fuzzy towards you), but want to make sure you know they will be there for you when you need it, they are thinking of you, they want to help, but don't want to intrude.

If you want them to visit, you will need to specifically make a plan with them. They do not want to be pushy.

And really, I'm somewhat afraid of you, too.

:)

Grandparents like to spend time alone with their grandchildren. I think when
parents are around Grandma is afraid she will do something wrong in the
eyes of Mom. You are very lucky to have them to help. Many do not. So
let them come, you go grocery shopping, have lunch with a friend or get
your hair done. Let them have some time and I guarantee you will do it again and appreciate their help.

You have a hard schedule!! If anyone takes your post as crabby, I can see why you might be. I don't take it as crabby though. 4 hours is a long way though. It's not exactly condusive for a quick afternoon brunch. And I certainly wouldn't expect you to make the trip. What about just trying once to be real specific and say that "x days are going to be particularly tough, you've offered to help if I need to go out but I actually could just use the help even while I'm home and I'd love some adult company. Would you be able to come down for an overnight?" Take a gamble and see what happens. They may think you don't want to hang out with them... A kind of open invitation can be harder to know whether to accept or not. Put them to the test and then you'll know!

it sounds like they are trying to help. and when they offer to help, you make certain they know it will only be on your terms that they see your kids. you might have tried to say it nicely, but the terms you gave were not welcoming. i wouldn't invite myself over, either.

I would kiss my parents' feet if they offered to 'give me a day off'... their feet yet remain unkissed. (They live three hours away, so this isn't a complaint.)

Some grandparents just really, really want to have their own relationship with the kids. My folks did say that ("all we needed was to just have some time alone with him!") to me once, when they watched our son so we could attend a funeral. I took it personally for about 2 minutes (old baggage, that) and then realized that my son was *more able to focus on them* because I wasn't there. They enjoyed receiving his attention so much more because they weren't having to share it with me.

The weather is getting better... maybe you would consider holding a park meetup or backyard barbeque so you could get to know these people better and take advantage of these kind offers.

It's hard for me to know for sure. My one and only grandson spends more time with me than his mom. I was there during his birth. I took turns sleeping with him when he was an infant and I still do. She's a great mom and she is good with him. But she's full-time work, full-time school, part-time sleep and part-time dating. That doesn't leave a lot left for a toddler.

I can only surmise by the things I read on here that grandparents feel picked on by their kids. Just take a look on here and see in a months time how many posts there are about people insisting their parents and
in-laws do everything WRONG with the kids. It's terrible the way people talk about them and treat them like they are imbeciles. I suggest that they want to be alone with the kids so they can relax and grandparent the way they want to without being hovered over and nit picked.

They are offering to step up while your husband is deployed because they want to help. This is not a bad thing. They are likely worried that your are worried and don't have your Hubby home right now to help out. They may be trying to open a closed door with you.

Give them a chance - go take the kids and visit them - it takes two, or more, adults to establish those relationships for the children's benefit.

God Bless

The question I have is How far away are you in-laws? If they are fairly close, maybe you should take the initiative and ask them to come over. My father-in-law lived with us for a little while when number 2 was on the way, so he is well acquinted with the oldest, and talks to the youngest on the phone. My parent live 6 hours away, and we go to them for visits. On occasions we lmay leave the kids for a week or two for them to spend time with them. My children wont leave me if i am there so they really don't spend time with my parents. We went visits, visits with me going some where, to a week once in a while, to two weeks once in a while. They got the time they craved, and we got our us time. They may not be planning a visit because they don't know when a good time to visit is. So call them and invite them over to start the process.

My kids have a wonderful relationship with all their grandparents - split families on both sides, so they have 4 sets. My mom and my dad's wife have both expressed to me how much they enjoy their "alone" time with the kids. I'm totally ok with that!! In fact, for Christmas my kids gave each set of G-parents and wall plaque that says "Grandkids welcome ~ leave parents at home" :)
Don't deprive your kids a relationship with their family. Do what you can to encourage it and strengthen it. The more people who love your kiddos the better!

They are offering to help. You may not be comfortable with it at this time, but why not give them the benefit of the doubt that their offers are genuine.

I have to say "leaving the door open for them to plan a visit" is not the most welcoming stance. I'm not sure I would jump at that, it leaves all the planning and effort on THEM, instead of a mutual plan to get together. If you really do want them to build a relationship with your kids, invite them for a specific time or event. It doesn't have to be super specific, but you need to issue a real invitation -- "We'd love to see you and have the next 3 Saturdays available -- would you like to come for brunch?" Without an invitation from you, they may feel like they are imposing or that you are not THAT interested in having them over.

How nice to have family offer to help out...esp if you have TWINS and an autistic child. You are lucky for that support! Maybe you should take them up on it, or tell them YES, you would love some help - but you'd like them to come to your house.

Well… I'm a granny who spends an average of one day a week with my grandson (five years plus, now). I'm also a basically shy person who does NOT really enjoy having people visit me. In an attempt to appear at least somewhat social, I put out vague, semi-welcoming messages like yours, hoping nobody will get organized enough to actually show up.

Assuming that many other people are just like me, I simply do NOT plan to visit others unless and until they are clearly asking for my presence. Fortunately for me, my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson do clearly want me there. If they didn't, I wouldn't be going, or at least not nearly as often, no matter how much I'd like to spend time with my grandson.

If you genuinely want your in-laws and aunts to come over to get to know your kids, set up a time and invite them. That might be the signal they're waiting for. Yes, you are busy, but they may think you don't want them to butt in. If you try that a few times and they can't find it in themselves to follow through, then you'll know they're trying to "sound" helpful but are not too sincere about it.

I think that they probably don't feel comfortable inviting themselves over to your house, so they are offering to help you by baby-sitting the children while your husband is away. If it were your own parents, they would probably feel comfortable inviting themselves over, but since you are their daughter-in-law, they might not want to come over unless you specifically invite them over. It seems silly, especially since they don't come and visit often when your husband is home, but that could be where they are coming from.

Maybe you could plan a specific day for them to come over and spend time with the kids while you are there? That way they are getting to know their grandkids and you are still at home when it is happening.

They are offering to help, BECAUSE your Husband is deployed and not home.

It is NOT about you, and your not being around, that only then they will help.
It is because, your Husband is deployed.
Now.

When your Husband is home, they assume, he and you... are fine and don't need help babysitting.
But sure, as you said they make no effort to visit you/your kids, when your Husband is home.
Thus they don't 'know' your kids, as you said.
And you don't know their level of supervision/care taking that they would have with your kids.

They are not thinking of that.
They are only thinking of the fact, that your Husband is deployed and they are offering some help. Since it is a 1 parent household now.
So that is what it is.

Conversely, what if it were your friends, offering you the SAME thing as them??? To watch your kids when you need a day off or want time to yourself??? Would you be just as irked, at them, for merely offering some help???? Since your Husband is deployed?

To me, this irritating thing here, is not they are offering help now that your Husband is deployed... BUT that, you are irked & miffed at them because they make no effort to visit with you/the kids.... nor try to get to know them. But yet, you don't want to send up smoke signals. As you told them.
They will not invite themselves over.
Have You... invited them, over? Extended an invitation?

They are merely... offering HELP to you. Anytime you need a breather. Not it being contingent on your being away and only then they want to spend time with your kids while you are gone.

Take it as it is said. They are offering help. To you. For you. Since your Husband is deployed.

I wouldn't think they want to "be alone" with your kids. Do you think they have some sinister plot to harm them when you aren't there? I can see grandparents wanting to make sure you know they are there to help when you need. Your husband being gone for a long time must make them worry you will feel left alone and without any adults, or any help as he would be if he was home. Maybe they dont know how to say it right, but would you feel better if they just invited you and the kids to dinner? Or what if they called to ask if they can stop by to see the kids for an afternoon? Maybe they don't know how to broach the subject with you. I think they are making an effort and you're taking it wrong. Why not call them up and ask if they'd lke to have dinner at your place? Call and ask if they would like to have you and the kids come visit for an afternoon and go see them at their place. Maybe you need to make the first move and get the ball rolling. Start the relationship for your kids and maybe someday you will want to get away by yourself or with girl friends for an evening and you'll already know you have willing and able babysitters who love your kids, just waiting for the chance to help you out when needed.

well it would have been nice to know the facts before answering, but now that you've let us know grama lives hours away, and you have breast feeding twins, and a special needs child with many therapy appts, it is different. But I still say call and invite them. Call and let them know they are welcomed. Wouldn't it be somewhat of a relief to take your son to a therapy session and be able to leave the twins home sleeping every once in a while? I think maybe you need to make the first step anyway.

First off, I think you are hearing the offer more now because your husband is deployed and they know how hard things can get. They assume you know they are good parents because they raised your husband and he is a good man, right? They want to spend one on one time with their grandchildren, that is all, and there is nothing wrong with that. In my opinion the only thing wrong here is your response to their offer of help. Seems kindof rude to me.

Also, most people do not feel comfortable inviting them selves over somewhere. If you want them to come to your home to get to know the kids better than invite them! and not in a "you are welcome to invite yourself" kind of way, but an actual invite, like for Sunday lunch or something.

I think they want to help you out. Any time spent with the grandkids may be a bonus, but not really their goal. If you are there they may see it as a visit, not really helping you.

I think the long and short of it is that they don't feel comfortable spending time with you but want a relationship with your kids. I have learned with my in-laws that I need to actually plan a time for them to come over if I want them. They will throw out vague hints like "let me know when you need help" but won't actually set the time unless I give them one. Maybe with your husband deployed they realize that you do need some help and want to help but don't want to be an imposition. If you were going to hire a babysitter would you have her come over for several days and spend time with the kids while you watched her first? I would tell them that you are going to need them on a particular day, allow them to spend an hour with the kids with you present and then go run some errands and see how things go.

I would guess that they are just trying to be polite and empathetic, by offering to help out. Have you tried inviting them over to visit? The offers are probably to give you a "break" because that is what many moms want most, they don't want company, they want a chance to get out and have "me time".

I don't know if their offers are sincere or not... I have had tons of people offer to watch my daughter 'sometime' but 'sometime' never pans out. I don't think people intentionally want to NOT follow through- it is just so easy to offer to help, but can be hard when you actually have to find time to do it! oh well... Just take these things lightly, it is the thought that counts.

If what you want is company- invite them over. If it doesn't work out, oh well! Some families are that way! Some families just don't spend a ton of time together, helping eachother. It probably is not personal. Unless you have given them a reason to not want to know you... they probably are not avoiding you. Next time they offer to watch the kids... simply say, "well, I am all set with babysitters, but what I really COULD use is a little company... would you like to come over for dinner or go out for lunch sometime? Maybe on Saturday?" If you give them a date, and something to do... they'll probably work with you more!

Good Luck
-M.

well, why not be clear about it? i think it's a lot more comfortable for many grandparents to develop the relationship with the grandkids individually, especially (as see over and over on this site) that many parents feel the need to micromanage the course of the relationship between their kids and anyone else. not saying that's the case with you, but you have relatives who want to be helpful and who want relationships with your kids, and i'm not sure why that is so irritating to you. can't you just be upfront and say 'i'd love it if you could come lend a hand next wednesday. that way you can get to know the kids' routines and i'd feel more comfortable leaving them with you at some point'?
it just makes sense to me that they're offering more help now that your husband is deployed.
khairete
S.

I'm just wondering what you do when they are there for a visit. Do you micromanage their every move, or do you let them "learn" your children without correcting everything they do so they do it your way? I'm not accusing, I'm just remembering my mom trying to recall how to deal with an infant. She was old school with cloth diapers, pins, etc. and I had to show her how to operate some of the newer stuff. But at some point, I had to let her just get to know her grandson without being there to make her nervous. Also, with half the parenting team absent, I'm sure they think you would need more help now, not less and so they may be asking to be involved in the only way they know. Do you plan their visits and say "please come on x weekend, we are having a cookout"? or do you always wait for them to initiate visits? Just some thoughts from their perspective.

I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL, and she actively told me that she likes being around my kids better when I'm not there because the kids act different. If I am there, the kids just ignore them and only focus on me, whereas if I am gone, they interact more with them. It sounds to me that you have a huge amount of work, and that your life is probably pretty stressful. Maybe they are thinking that if they were in your shoes, they would need a day off- I know I would! I really do think that you are going to have to allow someone to help you. How much experience do your in-laws have with autism? Maybe they are afraid to do something wrong in front of you? I can tell you that as a teacher of middle schoolers, autistic children need to be exposed to different people with different styles. Otherwise, they develop fears. From the highest functioning to the lowest, I get them all in an integrated class (I am a home economics teacher) and you can really tell when the kids don't have experience with others. I have a kid in my class who is deathly afraid of African American people. I have another kid who flips out whenever someone yells. I also have one that is so anxious around others that her goal is just to sit in my classroom with the other kids. In just 2 short years, you are going to have to leave him not only with an adult you don't know, but a whole school full of adults, some of which are trained with autistic kids and some who are not. At least with your in-laws you know that they love them and that they would call you if something goes wrong. The school doesn't always even do that, and you can't grill the teacher either!

As far as visits go, if it were me, I would ask someone to come over so you could get something like yard work done. Then you could let them get to know your kids, but you would still be there. But you will probably have to make the first move. Do you want the help? If you just don't trust or like them for other reasons, then never mind. But if you really do want them in your kid's lives, you are just going to have to give a little.

I think your opinion will change once you become a grandparent. Why don't you be the first one to plan something, since you seem so bitter. Maybe after that, they will start calling and wanting to do things. Or, maybe they really do prefer you to be gone when they see the kids, because they may not enjoy being around you. Sorry, but you do seem like you have a wee bit of a chip on your shoulder!

It may not be that they are adverse to spending time there when you're there, it may be that they don't know where to start. Maybe invite his mom to come visit sometimes when you plan on being there anyway. Just say "I'd like some company and I thought you might like to spend some time with the kids." And have a date (or a choice of a couple) that works for you.

On the other hand, some people just feel more obligated to offer help when something comes up, like husband's deployment. They may be saying it to make themselves feel better - they're offering to help in times of need, they're good people (that kind of thinking, not that I'm agreeing). You may be able to find out by inviting them to visit.

You definitely have your hands full with twin babies, a 3 yr old and a deployed husband so I think you should welcome the help when it's offered, instead of find reasons to avoid it. Based on other posts you've left, I wonder why you seem so bitter towards them? Surprise everyone by calling them up and inviting them over for a day. Spend some time with them and when/if you feel comfortable, run out for a little while to get some errands done or do something for yourself. If they didn't think they could handle the kids, they wouldn't offer. Just remember that there's only so many times that they can handle being turned down before they stop offering altogether. And you don't seem to welcome their offers to help, so I can understand from their perspective why it might be a little difficult for them to approach you. Just make them feel welcome and needed and everyone will benefit....especially the kids.

Hmmm. I have a fairly different take than everyone else...but I am a evil DIL.

My IL's have been doing this to me since I popped my first born out. Seriously. It is as annoying as it can be.

My situation has grown out of the fact that my IL's have had full access to my SIL's kids. Practically raising them. They want that freedom w/ my kids. They don't get it.
Like you they make very little effort to get to know my children-who are individuals w/ very specific individual needs. Just like your children. I totally get what you are saying.
Leaving them in the hands of people who don't understand is a recipe for disaster, IMO.

W/o going on and on, they simply don't like the way I parent my children. I am pretty crunchy. They are super...not.
They don't like that I breastfeed. They discipline in a way I don't agree w/.
W/ me out of the way they can do what they want. They know I am Mama Bear. ;)
We invite them over and they decline.

Ok. Enough of my rant. Now I have to go change my Mamapedia name. Lol.

I think Pam R. said it best w/ her invite suggestions.

BTW, my kids do spend time alone w/ my own parents...but they have never asked to have this alone time, it is more of a 'you should go on a date' kinda offer. And when they (babes) were old enough for me to be comfortable w/ it.

Best wishes! Hope they are just misunderstood and not nutty! :)

I'm raising my 2 year old grandson (we lost my daughter) and I WISH someone would offer to watch him for a bit while I did laundry, cleaned the house, etc.

Your plate is definitely full and while I don't know your in-laws I believe they are sincerely trying to be of help and wouldn't assume they're being insensitive. We grandparents LOVE to spend time with our grandchildren. Saying, "Give a call when you need help" may be there way of NOT intruding on your life by just showing up or inviting themselves over on a day that may be inconvenient for you. They may not be aware of your 3-year old's therapy schedule or that you are still breastfeeding full time. Or they may have picked up cues that you don't have a desire to spend time with them but they would still like to be of help and feel they could best do that by helping in some way with the kids.

Take the high ground and invite them over. If they take you up on it use the time to educate them about your 3 year old's needs, the fact that it's difficult to be apart from the twins since you're breastfeeding, and how they could best help you. Be honest and tell them you feel uncomfortable until they get to know your children's routines and personalities with letting them spend the day with them away from you. Come up with something that would work for you, maybe you could let them watch the twins at your house while you take the 3 year old to therapy and leave milk you've pumped? Or ask if they would like to learn some of what you're doing with your 3 year old with at-home therapy. (I learned a lot from my cousin raising her autistic son. His dad couldn't deal with the situation so she raised him and his older sister on her own and he is now a semi-independent young man learning job skills.) If your in-laws don't accept your invites and suggestions for how they can best help you and you want to do it alone, you can always say you gave it a try.

Thanks for doing your part for our country while your husband is away. Being a military wife is tough. God bless you and your family<3

Hi L.,
My MIL is the same way but it is because she do not like me or my parenting skills. She only offers in front of my husband to "look good". My children are very uncomfortable around her because she bad mouths everyone!
I have also made it clear that they are welcome anytime but VERY RARELY do I subject my children to her home.
Stick to your guns and don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing what you know will work right for your children!
Best Wishes!

**Deja Vu. My soon to be ex was fixated on just sending our child to his mother who did not put in an effort to build a relationship with her, even when he was living with us. It's an interesting trend grandparents/in laws want time with kids in the absence of the mother. That makes me suspicious. I totally agree with you about the calling it something that it's not.

His family rarely reached out. They have a disconnect anyway. However, when I was told if you need a break, send her over. Um. No way. You need to get to know my child and vice versa. Basically, they are strangers as far as I'm concerned.

Just look out for your children. They are your responsibility.

Also, I get so sick and tired of the judgmental on the board who put question askers in the position of defending their question. Freak it! Not every woman is a go along to get along type so don't expect for us/them to be!!!!!!

I'm sure their intentions is really to help. They probably would love to come visit anytime, but realize that you have a busy schedule. Maybe you could take initiative and make the plans to visit them/have them come visit? This way, you will feel better and more confident about taking up their offer for help when you need it.

I have wondered the same thing myself. My daughters grandma (hubbys mom) used to ask me to leave her too and I felt the same way as you. She really doesn't know what she likes, what she can and can't get into, etc. AND, I know for a fact, that she does not respect my rules. She gave her candy right in front of me one day, right after I had told her she couldnt have any. We live in the same town, and my husband is out of town alot also, and they still don't visit when he's here either. I also tell her to come over when she wants to, just call in advance to make sure we are home or available, but for some reason I think she thinks that me making her call ahead of time is rude or something. "Hello Lady, I have a toddler to take care of, a house to clean and a full time job, the least you could do is call first" (one day I will tell her that, lol). I don't get it, but just because they don't visit, doesn't mean I have to visit them, so whatever. So you are not the only one that feels this way. I hope they get a clue someday. Good Luck!

While my husband is not in the military I have seen the same thing with his family. I cannot really explain it myself. I would tend to think they really are trying to be helpful as that is clearly an identifiable need at times. In my case the last offer for watching the kids was last week when my husband had to be hospitalized. I am trying to pay attention to if they offer to help when we are not in crisis mode too. To be honest I think they would help us out under "normal" circumstances too, they are just more forthcoming in times of crisis. i would tend not to take it personally like they don't want you to join the kids or like they are reluctantly taking them. What I have done to attempt to increase the interaction is to let them know when things that are important to the kids have come up or are coming up and try to include them. That has helped my comfort when considering asking them to watch the kids

L., I too have breastfed twins (11 months) and a 3 year old. I also get the "when you need a day off" question. My mother is the only one who calls up and tells me "I am coming over to give you some help!" Everyone else just says call us when you need a baby sitter. They really have no idea what they are stepping into especially if they are around the children only a few times a year. Further I have found that pumping has been near impossible with 3 kids so there is no stored milk and I need to be around my little ones right now. We all need a break, but I want to feel that my children are comfortable with me leaving and are with someone who can meet their needs because that person has been around them. I feel like it is a control issue with my in-laws, but I could be wrong.