Recently we have had a lot of issues with my in-laws. They have been pressuring us to put our kids in summer camsp and daycares and the like. We feel that the kids are doing fine being here at home with us this summer. They are happy, healthy and we know that they are cared for. Anyway--we have been sticking close to home lately. My hubby and I are workin 5 12 to 15 hour days. We have 2 days a week off together and we try to do family things. My in-laws are always welcome here. We have told them that- they only live 5 min from us. They say we have to invite them. Well, today was supposed to be a birthday party for my SIL's twins....the drive would have been 3 hours each way for me. My husband is working, so I would have went alone with the kids. My husband did not think it was a good idea. My MIL became angry that we decided not to go, and told my husband that we could not keep the kids from them and that her friends brother is a lawyer and that they can sue for grandparents visitation rights. What happened to this situation??!!?? We are not trying to keep them from the kids life, but how did it get to the point that we are threatened with court??? Please advise. Can they take us to court when we are not trying to keep them from the kids??? What is going on?? Thanks to all for any advice you offer.
It was always my understanding that grandparents have NO rights at all in the state of Georgia.
Sounds like they have some issues. (Is paranoia one of the first stages of dementia???)
It sounds like you need to sit them down and talk to them and try to make them understand all the issues, not just their own perspectives.
Good luck!
I feel almost certain there is far more to this story than what you are telling. Grandparents simply do not threaten lawsuits to see their grandchildren on a whim. Since they probably have no legal rights, this could be simply an emotional step on their part, hoping to force you to allow them to see the children more often. As far as the camp goes, how old are your children and if you are working five days a week, where are the children during your work hours? Are they left alone or is there a babysitter present? Did you tell them you would be at the party, but then you renigged at the last minute? This could have caused the anger. Did they offer to take the children to the party and you said no, that you would take them for sure and then you did not? This could cause resentment and anger on their parts. I just suspect there is a lot of detail left out of your side of this story and right now you are more worried about being sued than worried about how to mend this relationship with your in-laws. Maybe the grandparents do not have legal rights, but your children have a right to see their grandparents. Try to keep your dislike of them out of the picture. This whole thing should be about the children and their grandparents' relationship and you and the grandparents should learn to get along and make extra efforts in that direction for the sake of these children. There are unreasonable grandparents out there, and these may be two of them, but I still suspect there is more to this story than you are telling. Try to put yourself aside in this and think of just what is best for your children. You make an extra effort to get along, invite them over specifically (some people simply will not come without a specific time and date) to see the kids, or give them a couple of hours or more or a weekend that they can have the children with them every few weeks. If this does not satisfy them, then yes, you have controllers to deal with and may never be able to keep them happy. Try to get along, though, for the children's sakes.
Grandparents may file a separate action against the custodial parent to seek visitation rights with their grandchildren. However, the state legislature has rewritten the grandparent visitation statute to eliminate the right of a grandparent to intervene when the grandchild is living with both biological parents in an intact family.
I feel your pain. These grandparents think they own the world and try and run your's in the process.:-( What they don't realize is if the kids get a negative feeling from their parents during this situation they may end up hating the grandparents for coming between their family. I know this becasue as a child I was in this same situation.
Wow, what a mess! I would start by approaching the thing head-on. I would have my husband (it is his family, and therefore his responsibility as much as yours) call his mother and tell her to consider this a standing invitation to come and visit the kids any time. I would also take the advice of one of the other posters who said to make a weekly play-date. I would surely tell them that since they want so badly to spend time with the kids that you welcome them as baby-sitters any time. I would take advantage of the situation and use their play-date night as date night with your husband even if it means just going for a cup of coffee on every other "play-date" night. That way every other week the whole family is spending time with the G.P.'s, and every other week you guys get some time alone and the G.P.'s get the time they want with the kids.
As for summer camps, I would tell them that if they want to pay for camp they are welcome to. I would then pick camps or classes I thought my children would enjoy and send them a list and prices.
Basically call their bluff on the situation. If you do these things, the ball is in their court, and you will see if they are genuine or just plain difficult!
Good luck!
I am very sorry you and your husband are going thru such nonsensence. I am not a lawyer ,but I do know that if you take anything to court there is always a burden of proof that lies with the person taking u to court. What proof can they show a judge that you and your husband are deliberately keeping them from seeing their grandkids??? Just because you decided to not make a 3 hour trip to a birthday party without your husband does not sound caulous to me, sounded like a pretty safe idea. Unfortunately you don't get a choice with your in-laws once you've chosen your spouse ... Stay positive, I wouldn't worry though... Sounds like the evidence is pretty weak...
Call any attorneys office that deals with this sort of thing. If you are in SCarolina, no need to worry. No such thing as Grandparents rights. Sounds like your mother in law and mine were cut from the same tree. Hope everything works out. Keep us all posted.
T. C,
Just a small bit of wisdom for you, not to knock on your in-laws, but grandparents have absolutly no rights when it comes to grandchildren! In the great state of Geprgia either sets of grandparents have no legal right to their grandchildren unless the parents are deceased, incarcerated, or mentally incapable of raising a child. Oh there is one more way they can take control of a grandchild and that is if the state takes custody of your children for neglect. I know that you feel like saying WTH to these people who claim to love you and the kids. Believe me T. your not the only one who does not want the in-laws to dictate how you should live you life wiith your kids. For them to even toss that threat out there like that really makes you wonder, I mean really what are their best intentions? You have to weigh this one out for yourself, but they have no rights in the State of Georgia. I hope that this helps.-M.
Melissa H has it right about the way the law is written. You dont have anything to worry about but if it would put your mind at ease call a divorce/family court lawyer and ask them. Most will answer a few ? on the phone.
I would then not bring it up w/ the gp's until it is brought up again (maybe that wont happen)If they do bring it up again you are going to have to lay down some ground rules ie: not being threatened, nothing negative said in front of kids. If they cant be civil then there are conquences. Try not to be spiteful or mean about it just straight to the point. If you still trust them after all of this let them babysit as much as you can as long as the "rules' are followed. I hope this works out for your family. I can see how you would be freaking out;)
Wow, that must be stressful.
It is very hard to deal with dramatic people like that but I would approach it very calmly.
I would tell them everything you said in the email.
That you guys have been working so much you just have wanted to be together as much as possible in your off time. Nothing against anyone. That if it would make them feel better why dont they start coming over for dinner once a week or once on the weekend. Perhaps you could start inviting them around a little more so that way they get to feel included and yet you could be with your family at the same time.
I would almost laugh it off with them. Seriously, dont feed people like that or you could get yourself in trouble with way too much drama. Be careful. And realize, you are the parents and if you want to have family time then do it just invite them a little maybe. AS much as you may not want to.
Goodluck.
I'm sorry you have to go through that. I can vouch with one other poster, summer camps were the best times of my young summers!! My camps were actually church camps that only lasted a week (I wished they were longer!) and I went from the summer I was 9 years old up until I was 20 (I was 19 and did a counsler position and 20 I worked on the kitchen staff, I just couldn't stay away!). So that could be something to think about for next summer maybe. The friendships I made in those years and the experiences were something I can't even begin to explain, other than awesome!! I hope my son will want to go to camp when he's old enough.
With the grandparents...from what I understand in NC Grandparents have no rights, unless granted by the family. So if they're being put out, it's too bad. I know your profile says you're in SC and things can differ from state to state, so it may be something you want to check on, even if it's just to tell your MIL that she can't do anything and you have proof. I wish you the best and hopefully peace of mind. It seems as if you work hard and you are to be commended for that.
Take care!
I don't know the whole story, but summer camp sounds great especially if you are working those long hours. I loved summer camp. Maybe if the grandparents are so insistent on it, they can pay for the camp? Now that summer is almost over, I suppose that is not the real issue. Why don't the Grandparents come to visit you? Are they able to get out and drive to visit? I think they are just frustrated that they have not been able to see the kids and that is the only reason for the court threat. A visit to them would solve the problem and maybe plan to visit every three months so they will calm down. Family is important regardless and your children need to see them too.
I agree that you need to start keeping records of all of your interactions with them. If they take you to court, you may want to counter-sue for a restraining order against them. You will need records to back it up. You did the right thing not going to the birthday party three hours away. I don't go to that kind of event for either of my two sisters that live 2 hours away. We visit occasionally, but it's a big deal and a big trip when we do. I think children do better with their own families than they do at summer camps and daycares, and you as parents are the ones who should decide. I disagree with your open-door policy to your in-laws. It's common courtesy to call before they come over and for you to invite them if you want them there. You need your family time and privacy without them. My in-laws live one mile away and my parents live five miles away. We get together on Sundays, but other than that, we do our thing and they do theirs...unless we call. We have great relationships and really enjoy each other, but we also respect boundaries. If you want them to see the children, go to their house. Then you can decide when it is time to leave. You may want to consider having your husband talk to them about the pressuring and threats. It's really none of their business. He can counter threaten with a restraining order if it comes to that. Growing up I always lived across the country from my grandparents and only got to see them once a year or less. I really like that my children know their grandparents better. Ideally, your children will have a good relationship with their grandparents and you will with your in-laws. If that is not possible in this situation, though, do the best you can but be VERY careful. They sound borderline psycho. ("angry," "pressuring," ...those are not normal or acceptable behaviors). Keep a record of all of this. Good luck.
No, they can't. They need to get a life.
What a mess! You might be tired of the advice by now, but... I know it's hard to post "enough info" in these requests I am wondering how old your children are. You say that you and your husband are working 5, 12-15 hour days. Where are you children then? Could this be an opportunity for the grandparents to be grandparents? I COMPLETELY understand wanting to spend your little free time "alone", I am the same way. If they can't spend time with the kids while you are busy, maybe you could make a date with them once (or maybe more) a month to spend time together doing whatever you all enjoy. If it was me, I would be SOOOOO appreciative of the fact that they require an invitation! Imagine if they took your offer of "ALWAYS welcome"!! I was not raised in the south and like it or not, my door is not always open! ;o)
6 hours in a car in one day is too much for most adults... not to mention 3 kids! That is just silly of them to NOT understand that!
Out of curiousty and to put your mind at ease, I would call a lawyer (you can usually find a free question service) or family services and ask if there is such a law in the state that you live in. Most likely there is not. Either way, I wouldn't tell them that you looked into it unless it is brought up again by them. Then just calmly let them know that you know that is not true.
I wanted to add that I agree with previous posters that most of this should be coming from your husband. Any negetive will automatically be attributed to you, because you said it and their "son would never". He needs to man up to mommy and let her know that her insecurities of being pushed away are not coming from you two (you or your husband), they are welcome to call and visit, be grandparents...
Hi T.,
Unfortunately, I do not know the specifics of laws, but I do know that from this point forward you need to document everything. You need to keep a journal of dates and times (be very specific) when anything is discussed by your in laws regarding your kids. You need to document any threats, language, etc. Also note if anything has been said in front of your children as well as what you guys tell your in laws such as 'they are always welcome' to visit the kids at your home. That certainly doesn't sound to me as though you are keeping the children from them if they are welcome to come visit anytime, sounds more like it doesn't suit their schedule and that's no reason to threaten court. The journal, if documented with all the specifics, will weigh heavily if court is in the future.
Good luck to you!
K.
Grandparents don't have any legal rights to visit grandkids. People can't sue their son and daughter-in-law for the right to visit their grandchildren -- how absurd! It sounds like there are some hurt feelings and attempts at scare tactic manipulation here. Why are there hurt feelings? Is it a regular thing that they don't get to see their grandkids? I'll assume they love the kids and want what's best for them.
If you and your husband work five 12 and 15 hour days, assuming the grandparents would be willing to help with transportation and payment, I think camps would be AWESOME for the kids. What is the alternative? (Granted, there may a control issue there -- I have the same with my MIL. She would like to have it and I don't want to give her any illusions.) But, to keep your focus on your kids and their best interest and considering your work schedules, I don't think your In Laws' camp suggestions were half bad...
If their odd (completely empty) lawsuit threat doesn't make you too angry, you can start setting up a weekend a month that is Grandparent Weekend so there is an established time and set boundaries -- hopefully that would work.
Last but not least, this is YOUR HUSBAND'S JOB -- NOT YOURS. HE needs to talk to his parents or his inaction could hurt the relationship you have with them forever. Good luck!
In all reality, there are no laws for Grandparents rights. They can try to take you to court but all it will be is a waste of time, money and the break down of the total family dynamics. I really wouldn't worry about it and your In laws need to understand that these are your children and you and your husband will decide if they need to go to summer camp and the like!
Good luck!
S.
I don't have much advice, as I'm not familiar with the laws, but I have heard of people suing for grandparental rights. It is my understanding that the laws on this differ in each state. They are probably just threatening you, but if they take it a step further, consult a lawyer asap! From now on, keep record of all contact you and the kids have with them. That way, if they were to take you to court, you'd have record that they do see the kids often enough. I'm so sorry you are having to put up with them--what awful people!
They can't take you to court because there are no grounds for them to sue you for. Please don't let them worry you and add stress to your life. You have set your life up in a way that works best for your family. Don't be bullied.
wow...sounds like either they are super sensitive or there is more going on here than just one party...if your in laws live only five minutes away from you, they shouldn't expect you to drive three hours each way (!) to see them. are they concerned you're not seeing the cousins, too? maybe you should set up a visit with everyone once a month...and switch off where it is, or meet at a park halfway...three hours is a long time to drive with little ones unless you are spending the weekend somewhere...it's way too much for one day. they should understand that. (maybe let them take the kids for you once, and see how they like the ride!) as far as inviting them over, it sounds like you and your husband work alot, and don't get much family time or alone time as it is...and i can see where you wouldn't want to spend every weekend with the inlaws...maybe invite them for a friday night dinner every other week or something...or let them babysit your kids while you two get out...then they can have the kids to themselves a bit, and you can get out as well..i think they might be feeling left out, but don't realize how crazy your life is, and how hard it is to make time for things...btw, maybe your husband should be the one having the conversation with them...it might not seem like you are trying to stay away, if it comes from their child...good luck!
Sorry I can't help with the legal issue. The opnly experience I have with that is my husband cousin died and her husband wouldn't let their son visit with his grandmother (mom's mother). She was able to take him to court to get visitation rights but then he just moved out of state and didn't tell anyone where they went. But this was in Ark. and really doesn't apply, I guess.
On a different note, be glad they feel the need to be invited. We live 8.5 hrs from my in-laws and visits are planned now but when we lived closer (about 2 hrs away) they would call about half way to my house to say they were coming. Very little warning was given and it was sooo annoying. My parents would never dream of just coming over. Needless to say I'm glad we don't live so close anymore.
I don't think they can take legal action for you deciding to not go to one event. Maybe if they never saw their grandparents, it would be a different story, but this seems like they are trying to force you into raising your children their way. Tell them that you would have loved to go but the schedule you have and the time it would have taken for you to go was just not feasible. Next time let them know ahead of time you're not going. I have very pushy in-laws as well, stand your ground and don't let them push you around. You're their parents, and know what's best.
you dont say how old the kids are but I know I loved summer camp as a kid. It was loads of fun . I learned a ton of new things and meet new friends that I only got to see there. ( I was prob 8 or 10 my first summer camp)
and as far as the grandparents go. If you've invited them over then they have no room to talk its their own fault. If you havent invited them over they may be the kind of people that are more formal and dont want to just show up at your house. Why not try to plan a " grandparent playdate" schedule a once a week time for them to come over, just so you dont have to invite them every week.
There is so much information that's not here it would be hard to give advice. try to determine what was the beginning to all of this and go from there. In the mean time I wouldn't get all uptight, but would talk to them as to why they are so adamant about them going to camp. Whatever your concerns are with them I think your husband needs to address it with them. They are his parents and you do not need to be saying anything directly to them if you can avoid it especially if your are upset with them. Be the better person. Protect your relationship with them if at all possible because I'm assuming your children love them. Like I said before, there's a lot of info that's not here that could shed some light on this subject. Grandparents tend to butt in way too much if given the opportunity, but most will back off if respectfully asked to. Of course there are as many different grandparents out there as there are problems. Threats from them are coming out for a reason, maybe they feel left out somehow. You should know or have some idea.
There is a kind and loving way to handle them, just be the ones who are kind and loving, it will pay off in the end for everyone.
Grandparents have no rights in most states, so from a legal aspect you have nothing to worry about. Now you just have to figure out why they threw a tantrum and even threatened legal action in the first place. You aren't keeping the kids from them, but obviously they THINK you are. Maybe you can ask them exactly what it is they expect you to do to let them know they are welcome to visit with the kids. Ask them what they would like to see happen, but stick to your guns about what ISN'T going to happen. Express remorse that you had to miss the birthday party, but DON'T apologize- just say how much you wanted to go but couldn't and you were so disappointed.
You also need to take a good look at yourself. You say they are "always welcome" but do you really mean it? And if you mean it, are you sure you show it? If the grandparents show up, does everyone stop what they are doing and come visit? Does everyone act happy to see them? I ask these questions because it may just be the the in-laws have gotten their feelings hurt and are "acting out."
In the state of SC, there's no such thing as grandparents rights.(I work for a law firm) So don't worry. Reference to camps/daycares, if they want to pay for it then look into something part-time/half-days. With the prices of camps now a days you need to save up money for your kids to go just so you can afford it. As for daycare, why work all those hours and then turn around and pay daycare most of what you earn. If your kids are happy with you then don't worry about it. Depending on their ages, ask them if next year they would be interested in going to a camp or two. Then start looking/price shopping and save money for it.
As for the GPs, you have already told them they can come visit. It also doesn't hurt for you to plan a visit to them as well. When the visit occurs see how things go. If they keep on acting the way you say they are then you will need to start distancing yourselves from them. And tell your husband he will need to explain to them 'why'. At this point you can at least feel better that you tried. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, so see if it does with them. Good Luck!! Again, don't worry about the GP rights, no such in SC.
Hi T..
:) Sounds to me like you might have an opportunity for some free babysitting from the grandparents!! If you trust them to take care of your children, why don't you ask grandma to set up a play date. Maybe even make it once a week. (Maybe even a sleep over at the Grandparents!) We have a Grandmother who likes to (playfully) bug us about not coming to see her, so we allow our daughter to go over (we drive her, since I don't like the idea of them driving my kids) and spend the night with them on Friday or Saturday night. It is a treat that my daughter can earn by doing chores around the house.
About the party - did your SIL ask for a RSVP? Were they expecting ya'll at the party and something changed? I can imaging that I would be really deflated if some of my special guests decided at the last minute not to come. If they had a couple of days of notice prior to the party that you couldn't make it, there shouldn't have been hard feelings.
I know how people get when they start down a negative path - it is very easy to avalanche... I agree with the other advice that you received - laugh it off. Pretend that there are no hard feelings, because kids really pick up on hard feelings.
Good luck - let them babysit, and let yourself have a great day off from responsibility!
S.
First off, what they said was out of exasperation and anger, obviously, so don't take it at face value. But don't ignore it, either - it sounds like there's some serious miscommunication going on if they feel as though you are keeping your kids from them. They want to be a part of their grandchildren's lives. (I know, I know, my in-laws drive me a little crazy, too. But I make sure the kids get to see them.)
I'm a little confused. On the one hand, you say you think "the kids are doing fine being here at home with us this summer" then you say "My hubby and I are workin 5 12 to 15 hour days." Are the kids home alone all that time? Because if that's the case, I don't think summer camp is really *such* a bad idea. (Expensive perhaps.) My son started going to summer day camps when he was almost four, and he LOVED it! Learned to climb a tree, ride a pony, and swim underwater - lots better then vegging in front of a TV.
Maybe the grandparents can watch the kids while you're are work? Win-win situation, no? Grandparents and grandkids get time together, you have someone watching the children while you work. That seems too obvious, though - is there something else going on you haven't mentioned?
And even if they don't legally have a lot of "rights" regarding your children, in our hearts we know that children have a right to see their grandparents and vice versa, so try to find a way to make it happen. It doesn't have to be when you're enjoying the little time you have away from work.
T. C:
I agree with you. Since you are not keeping them from seeing their grandchildren, then they shouldn't try to sue you. I guess you and your husband will have to give your in-laws a definite visitation time.
P. S
I too am interested as to whether or not grandparents have "rights".
