Problem Neighbors

This might give a little insight. I have 3 girls and my oldest is 2 and 5 years older than her siblings. My oldest at the time was 9 and on occasion all 3 girls would go to a friends house, who's daughter was also 9. Well a lot of times my friends daughter would ask for my oldest (who is her friend and same age) to come over, but didn't want the youngest two (age 7,5) to come. My husband thought it was crazy because they all knew each other and had played together. I learned that my friends daughter would exclude my 7 year old while playing. I think she felt as if she was a "big" girl and the other two were babies. I typed all that to say that they may feel that he is more of a "baby" because of the age difference, but after awhile it will even out. I will ditto what some of the others say and tell you to try and engage him in other ways when they play. It is heart breaking to see, especially as a mom.

I agree with the posters who said to find him new friends, get a bouce house and some trees for privacy. It's certainly a peculiar situation in that the parents (whom you know b/c you've lived there a while) are not asking them to include him a little or at least continuing to be cordial toward you. Sorry you're dealing with this.

Are you sure you really want your son over at a house where you don't really know what is going on and don't truly like the people? Sounds like you were done a favor even though right now it is torture to your son. If you see him watching them through the chainlink fence, take him to the park, for a drive, anything to distract him and pull him away from that.

They don't want to be friends with you and you family. After 11 yrs it should be pretty apparent that this isn't going to change. Their kids aren't being rude by not including your son in their play; he's not their friend.

So here's when you as the parent steps in and figures out how to make it work for your family. Invite over friends for Milo to play with. Take him to the park to play. Go on bike rides or hikes as a family. Bake something together. In other words figure out how to raise your child that doesn't include being invited next door to play.

Does your son really want to play with that kid or the bounce house?

All you can do is say, "I don't know, son, but let's invite x over instead." Not everybody is your friend and if they've decided for whatever reason not to include your son, then you need to help him find new friends. He shouldn't sit staring at the fence. He should have something else to do.

It may also be that the 2 years is more than the kids enjoy anymore. You can drive yourself crazy thinking about it. We don't see as much of one family b/c while the boys are about the same age (young men now, really), when SS was about 13, he confessed to DH that he really didn't like the kid and found him annoying. Age doesn't a friend make or keep.

I would not forbid the daughter from a job if she wants to keep it. A job is different from a friendship. I work for/with people all the time that I don't like enough to go to lunch with, but deal with for the task's sake.

I don't think you should take this personally. Most likely, their almost 7 yr old doesn't want to play with your almost 5 year old. My kids went through this phase where they didn't want to play with the younger kids in the neighborhood. It might have been construed as my kids being mean, but they really weren't. My kids wanted to play with kids in their grade or older. I think all kids go through this - especially when they start going to school full time.

My kids got over it pretty quick though and were back to playing with the younger kids on occasion.

The other part of it is that life isn't fair. Not everyone gets to do what ever they want. Just because your neighbor has cool stuff in their backyard, doesn't mean that you get access to it. They are allowed to enjoy their yard without you.

Your son wants to bounce, take him to Pump it Up or rent your own bouncy house. But stop him from hanging on the fence watching the neighbors.

A four year old could be a bit young in a bounce house of 2nd graders. It can get rough and injuries can occur no matter your age. Maybe he got hurt once or acted too delicate and young one day while playing over at their house. I would bet that the story from Karen P. about the older kids feeling the younger one is a baby is pretty dead on - maybe those parents are protecting your son, as well as themselves, from getting hurt physically and emotionally by being treated rough or poorly by the older kids. Can you put slats in the chain link to block the view, focus on the "when you're older" talk, and redirect his attentions as you all have mentioned. Honestly, it's true - you probably don't really want your son playing with those people, rather you just don't want to see your son hurting and left out.

...and rent your son a bounce house for his birthday - maybe even from your stinky neighbor to show you are the big ones in the situation and that your son likes bounce houses too...or a competitor if you'd like drive this wedge deeper - which I do not suggest. I've had my own neighbor battles and they are terrible and letting them melt away and taking the high road is always best.

Plant some of those tall cedar trees along the fence line so he can't see what they are doing. I would be annoyed too. But the kids are years and years apart right now mentally. Once your boy is about 8-9 they'll be closer to the same age mentally again.

He needs to invite his own friends over and have some fun with them. That way he'll feel better and start to create his own family of close friends.

We have similar neighbors. We are new to the neighborhood. While all the other neighbors have been friendly and nice, we have a family that lives behind us (with kids about my son's age). My son has stood at the fence and watched them- they have never spoken to him. They obviously see him. One day the mother was out there, and while I said hello- and prepared to introduce us- she gave a curt hello and sent the kids inside.
So, now we have a trampoline, and are very active in playing with our kids. We jump on the trampoline with them, play chase, hide and seek, drag them around on the wagon, etc. Now THEY sit with their noses pressed to the fence. My son said hello once, and they just sat there, and didn't even say anything back. I told him that some people aren't as awesome and friendly as we are. That we don't need them to have fun and that we know how to have a better time than anyone else. He agreed, and hasn't thought about it since. If they want to make friends this time, they'll have to make the first move.
Hope this helps.

Awww, that's too bad. I think it's time to let it go. I'd plant some screening shrubbery/trees along the fence line (or you can also secure a screening device to it) and invest in a great play structure for your yard or one of those super fun trampoline's w/ the netting around it for safety and set about making some new friends for your son and starting play dates. Doesn't sound like this situation is going to improve anytime soon.

Not everyone is going to be his friend, and that's ok because at some point he's not going to want to be friends with everyone either. It's a hard lesson to learn, but a good and age appropriate one. We have a ton of kids on my street ranging from 5 - 12, mainly boys but a few girls. Some of them my kids get along with, some of them they don't. They have learned some great lessons in compassion and in standing up for themselves while navigating the sometimes treacherous 'cliques' on our street, lol. You've gotten good advice already, I just want to add that the situation may change as time goes by. We've had kids that were bffs, then enemies, back to bffs, and all the stages in between. As much as it brings out mama bear try to stay out of it and let them sort out their differences. One last thing, make sure you know how your son is behaving when he is playing with them. I have a neighbor I love, the mom is a very sweet person. However, her kids are undisciplined rude little brats! If she heard it she would never allow it, but dad does and so the behavior continues, they just don’t do it in front of mom so she doesn’t believe us if we tell her and we know the behavior won’t stop because dad won’t punish them for it. Her kids aren't allowed in my house anymore because they are so rude, undisciplined, and manipulative. So make sure your son isn't doing anything to upset the others and that's why he's been excluded. We’ve all caught our kids doing something that mortifies us, make sure that’s not the case here before you write them off completely.

There's no reason for your son to sit like a "prisoner" in his own yard! Clearly these people don't want to be friends so you need to make sure your son has something else to do and other kids to play with.
We started having friends over to play when the kids were fairly young, family friends, cousins and a few preschool classmates were all part of the regular rotation. We also got out of the house a lot as a family: parks, walks, beach, zoo, pool, library, etc.
You can't change other peoples' behavior, and while I know it's hard (isn't parenting hard in many ways?!) you just need to be honest with your son. If he asks why can't I go over and play, just say I don't know honey, let's go find something else to do.

Please don't let Milo sit at the chain link fence like an ad for the Humane Society!!

For some reason, they don't want to be friends and I would guess that your four year old is probably asking to go over to the bounce house. Get him engaged in other activities and explain that not everybody plays with everybody.

Do you live on the other side of MY next door neighbor??? Wow! We have a lot of the same thing, we used to talk over the fence all the time, I have watched her kids in my daycare, our 2 sons are the same age, they have all played together, been in all the same activities, then all of a sudden, she stopped talking to me or even looking at me! I have NO idea why! Her husband will still wave when he's out or taking a jog, and I will say hi to the kids if they are out or walking by, but she won't even look our way!

I have given up trying to be neighborly and just decided when I'm out, I won't see her either. It's too bad, too because I enjoyed talking to her. (she did make a comment to me once about me always having nice clothes and doing things...jealous? Well, I work, and she chooses not to and is lucky enough to make that work for her...so I don't know!) Anyway, keep your son busy, find new friends for him to have over and don't worry about trying to have him play w/ kids who are probably going to be mean to him anyway (that's what would happen w/ my son...when they would invite him over, they would then sit there and tell secrets and exclude him.) You are better off...so grab a ball, a new friend and move on!

A very tough lesson learned at a very young age. I had a similar situation with my now 9yo when she was 7. The important thing for me was letting my child know that she had done nothing wrong and that we don't "chase others to make them our friends". I also taught her "whatever" when kids are mean to her. Pretty soon, things didn't bother her anymore. She'd just say whatever and walk away. She realized that she was just as important even if the other kids didn't think so.

So, I know how it hurts to see your young child with a broken heart. "MamaBear to the rescue because I'm not going to let anyone hurt my baby cub." Been there, done that....and most likely, will do it again! LOL

But you know what, there will be more broken hearts. That's life. But if we as mommy's learn as they learn life, growth begins to take place within us all. At the end of the day we can't always protect them from hurt...although we sure do want to.

Rosebud is so right. Please find someone to come play with him. This thing with your neighbor is a lost cause.

Also try to find after school activities for him that will teach him new skills, like gymnastics, Kindermusik, etc.

So sorry!
Dawn

I don't have any suggestions, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your son. It would break my heart to see my little one looking through that fence! Can't the neighbors understand how hurtful they're being to your son! I could never be that mean to a child, especially not one who has lived next door all those years! I am soooo sorry for your son!

Like others have said, yes, not everyone will like him, but that doesn't help him when he's hearing all the other kids having fun and knows he's not invited. Ouch! That stings!!!!

I really would let this go and focus instead on distracting and occupying your son. The reason behind what they're doing doesn't matter in the long run; they sound pretty self-involved if they can't see and react kindly to a kid who's staring longingly through the fence. This could be as simple as their son deciding he doesn't want to play with your son -- there can be a big gap between almost-five and almost-seven, and the almost-seven can think the younger chiild is too babyish to play with, etc. Don't try to fix this; your son may be heartbroken when he sees the bouncy castle full of other kids but this is life, and not everyone in it is nice.

If you are there and hear them tell him -- if they say it in the words you describe -- "go away," then yes, I would stand up and say "I hear you and I think you are being very rude to my child. It's your property and your right to not allow him to play on it, but please use politer language to my child. He is standing right here watching other kids and being told he is excluded; if you want to exclude him, at least do it with manners." Then I'd take your son and go. But other than that -- if you are present and there is actually an order to your son to leave them alone -- I would not keep trying to talk to them. They have made it very clear with their avoidance that they do not want to talk to you.

Meanwhile, ensure your son isn't in the yard when there are bunches of kids playing in the inflatables. Take him to the park, or start inviting other kids over for play dates instead of having your son think his playmates are next door.

Also, I don't know how you would handle this with your daughter, but I would not want my daughter babysitting for this family if the family is going to behave this way toward another of my children. If your daughter wants babysitting work, I am sure she can get it -- most of us would be delighted to find an experienced babysitter looking for work.

I would talk to the parents and see wthat the problem is. That we all have to live here. I'd like it if we can all get a long for sake of the kids. In time like the other had said he will find other freinds. But it is hard when there so young. we live on the court. Kinda same thing. kids only play with my son when no one else is around to play. when he is playing with them and other show up. They are really mean to him. just inore him. One kid told him once no one wants to play with you. Just go in your house. I confronted his mther she just denied that her son can be so mean. I sit out side when they play so I can see what is going on. you might want ot have play dates for your child. met people at the park or church, or join a play group. make up play date business cards with your number on it.

This is a perfect situation for big sister to do a little intervention! She could do a little investigating for you, asking the neighbor kids why they don't invite her brother over. Its a rule at our house that siblings watch out for each other!
The other thing I would suggest is to turn the tables and try to make your house the most fun on the block. Pull out all the fun outside toys and get the kids to want to play at your house. When everyone is happily playing at your house, you can teach manners to the neighbor kids, and teach them it is rude to exclude people. How would they feel if all these toys were out, but they were not allowed to come over and play??

Aww, that's so sad. How mean of them. I don't know, write her a note asking if your son can play? But everyone below is correct. I love Chelle's suggestion of "whatever." I have found whatever to be a very useful word for letting go.

The only answer to your son is the truth. It's sad, honey, but they won't let you play. Then get him a play date.

GREAT, GREAT, GREAT advice from Lucia...