Are any of you married to someone who has actually QUIT a pornography addiction? I mean completely quit the problem forever!! My husband struggles with it, and he hates that he does it, as do I. But it is such a powerful addiction. He tries really hard not to do it, until he is feeling sad, angry, etc., or just plain lazy, and then he gives into the temptation. I'm getting worried that this is something we will have to struggle with our whole lives, and that scares me! He's gotten a lot of advice from church leaders and some of it helps, but he's had this problem for about 6 years, and it still keeps coming back. He'll go for months sometimes without a problem, and then it will sneak in and become a problem again. What tips do any of you have? Have you helped support your husband in overcoming this addiction? How did you do it?
Thank you everyone for your support. I'm sure it will be a long road ahead, but i do have hope that it's possible for him to truly overcome this problem. Pornography is a horrible thing, and is not healthy in any way. It is a very destructive and it totally hurts a persons sense of self worth and confidence. I do believe that looking at porn multiple times and continually going back to it when you are emotionally week is definitely an addiction, no matter how frequent it is. I appreciate all of you who have shared your experiences and words of encouragement.
He needs counseling if it is a true addiction. Clearly he struggles to fight it on his own, with your support, or church support. Try counseling which will help him deal more positively with the sadness, anger, or whatever other emotion he is dealing with.
The advice I would give is when he feels the temptation that he get help from his group/therapist etc..before he actually views it. Like any addiction he needs the constant support so not to stumble. Get him into a support group etc..an accountability partner. etc..
I don't know anyone with this particular addiction, but as with most addictions, there are both emotional and physical "rewards" to learn to cope with. A 12-step support group may be necessary to really help him past those moments of weakness. And the spouse or the SO of the addict is usually co-dependent, so an Al-Anon program can be immensely helpful.
Wishing you well.
No, I have not dealt with this personally. Several men at church have chosen to share that they have this problem. They have teamed up with other men to hold each other accountable and say it is very helpful.
My ex husband was like this. For awhile I had to put the child blocks on all the computers, phone, etc. Then we moved and I forgot I had it on there and he started up again. I confronted him with it and he just couldn't/wouldn't give it up. I wanted to be married to a man that I could trust, not a child that I had to constantly monitor the rest of my life. It ended up we divorced because of a few reasons but this being a big one. I'm happily married to a man now that I trust more than 100%. I don't have any advice other than really its his problem and he has to take the steps to really deal with it. Best wishes!
My husband struggled with this addiction for many many years. I see you've gotten a lot of advice, so I will try not to repeat anything....I just wanted to encourage you to check out http://www.XXXchurch.com. They have many resources that can be of help to you two. Especially their software programs. We currently have it installed on all our computers and I LOVE it! It automatically blocks inappropriate sites, searches,etc. You can also set up accountability. ie it will text/email someone of your/his choosing if an inappropriate site is viewed. It has many other great features and its only $7 a month or (I think) $70 a year. Be encouraged! :) He CAN beat this!!
I was married to a sex addict for 17 years. Even with counseling (individual and marraige) and group support he still did not change. In the end, I focused on my own healing and left the marraige.
Ephie nailed it. She really comprehensively described what addiction really looks like.
My recommendation is for you to heal you. None of us marry an addict without being a co-addict. We learn to enable, ignore, deny our own pain and wounding, minimize, take responsibility, drop boundaries, take the blame, blame, shame, stuff our own feelings, and give ourselves away. If you do not shift he will never have the chance. Or even if he shifts on his own you will find yourself struggling.
Find your own wounding. Read extensively on addiction, co-addiction, co-dependency, boundaries, etc. Find a really good counselor that will be straight with you, that will push you in a compassionate and tender way, that will support you in clearly seeing what is happening with you, and that has many tools to share with you that will support you in shifting your own behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs.
Addiction is a journey. I would also suggest that you look into all kinds of programs and especially ones that address the underlying issues not just the addictive behaviors. As Ephie described, addiction and co-addiction is about running away from the pain. The only way to heal is to face it head on. However, it is vital to fully resource yourself when you go there. You need all kinds of different support from a soft, cozy blanket to wrap in when you feel the feelings to a friend you can vent with to a gifted therapist.
