Don't Know What to Do About Husband's Pornography Addiction

Hi M.,
Have you heard of the Emotional Freedom Technique? It is a way to break addictions. Here is a website of a therapist in Utah who helps with pornography: www.ardencompton.com .
I hope this will help you.

My mom and my husband work in an addictions program that is based on what Reformer Unanimous does. The website is www.reformu.com They handle all kinds of addictions. You might be able to find one near you, or get information that might help. The have a great track record and provide help for both the addict and the family. I hope you find a good solution for both of you!

I'm sorry but at this stage of the game, there are really far more important things in life to worry about, than a man with a desire to look at naked women.
I worry about eating and keeping gas in my car and a roof over my head.
If he is such a good man, then be happy and feel lucky and blessed.

Addiction can be very difficult to overcome. You have to expect relapses in the process. He went two whole months without looking, and in a moment of weakness looked. Try not to focus on that moment of weakness but on how well he did for those two whole months. He then went three months without looking. That shows progress. And the fact that he's telling you means he wants you to hold him accountable, to support him and tell him that you love him and are proud of him for trying his best. Next time it'll go four, maybe five months, which is a great accomplishment. My husband also had a pornography addiction when he was a teenager, before I knew him. His mother found out and decided to make it public to the entire ward. Can you imagine what that does to a 14yr old boy? At 17 he finally quit and when the time came was able to serve a mission. We haven't had any relapses, but he tells me when he's feeling weak and we work on it together.

Keep an open line of communication; what you don't want is his hiding any relapses from you or shutting down altogether. If he quits this, he will become a better father and husband. Maintain regular appointments with the bishop, plan enough date nights (when feasible) and talk to each other. Pray together, read scriptures, have FHE...all the Sunday School answers. I have found that by putting God first, self second (for sanity), and then spouse and children things just seem to work better. I know there's a strong desire to put family first, but God can help you more than your family can. Don't give up; you're both working toward a wonderful goal. Good Luck.

I had to laugh at the part when you said, just the regular naked, over 18 women kind! Anyway, men are stimulated visually, while women are simulated physically and emotionally. That means that they are very drawn to porno and women usually aren't. But you probably already knew that. I would say to love him and pray for him. But also talk to him again and tell him how it makes you feel. My wonderful husband has the same struggles sometimes, it is usually when he is sad and lonely. Which the porno only makes it worse. But I have asked him to tell me what he did and it makes him feel awful to admit it, but better to get it off his chest. Maybe if he "reports" to you it would help. Also ask him what triggers the urge, is it boredom, late at night, not enough time with you? We saw a counselor and he suggested a weekly date night, nothing fancy just time together on a regular basis, like the same night a week. I guess what I am trying to say is, don't judge him, just talk to him and try to understand him. Tell him how it hurts you and how it makes you feel. But deep down, love him and give him time, it won't be fixed overnight.

My husband came to me 2 months ago and told me that he's been struggling with pornography for a few years. We've been married for 3 yrs and have a 6 month old little boy. I was completely SHOCKED and DEVASTATED. I took it personally and had a very hard time with it. Now I am okay and have forgiven him. We set up a few things to help him stay true, but I don't know if they would help your husband.

What I was told by many, many women was that it was not a reflection of me. It was normally a lack that they are feeling such as low self esteem or something. My husband also went to see the bishop and then had to check up with him every week and have a meeting with him every month. I think that helped to keep him accountable. We also planned that he couldn't go certain places on the internet. We decided he was only allowed to go to 3 websites - e-mail, BYUI website, and the apple website, otherwise he had to ask permission. I don't know where you husband is viewing it whether it's videos or internet or magazines?!

Pray together, if he has a temple recommend, he can go to the temple. The bishop said that my husband could still attend the temple, I think he would have to get permission first. Fast. Have him be accountable to you and check on him. I don't know if that would be enough motivation though, maybe it wouldn't. I always tried to have a really large picture of our son as a desktop and screen saver so he would look at him and HOPEFULLY not be tempted because he was looking at his innocent son.

Make sure that the two of you have time to be intimate with each other. Make time to spend with one another and have date night if you can after the kids go to bed. I hope things get better. I understand how hard it can be and how hurtful! Good luck. Let me know if you need anymore support.

I am so sorry for your situation,I know it is difficult. I have been married 8 years and early in my marriage my husband struggled with pornography and was able to mostly overcome it himself. He was able to come and tell me about it and I was disappointed, but I knew that it had nothing to do with me. I think it is important to remember that as you go through this difficult time. Also, your husband has taken steps to overcome it and that is wonderful. Remind him of the work he has put into that, and realize that relapses happen. My husband still has the temptation and he has excercised self control to not get on the computer when I am not home. So, you may help your husband by setting some of those safe guards. I know you mentioned that he has been through a 12 step program, which is good. Because pornography is such a strong addiction(because it sets off as many endorphins as heroine) may I recommend some additional counseling. Find a therapist who shares your beliefs and, my own personal biased would be one that practices Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. They can assist dealing with the problem head on and assist in correcting bad thinking patterns. Good luck and hang in there. It sounds like you have a great man. Remember to tell him that and be willing to hang in there as long as he is working at it.

I don't know if I can tell you anything that you haven't already heard, but I will tell you what I can.
My husband has struggled with the same problem, so I know what you are feeling. It sounds to me like he is actually trying, and as hard as it is for you I would suggest that you try not to hold the last time he did it against him. I know that it is very hurtful to you and it's hard to get past those feelings, but it is going to help him a lot if you can focus on how good he is doing now.
I don't know where he is accessing the pictures, but if there is any way to take that option away that helps a lot. For example: if I am going to be going away without my husband, which is when he gets tempted the most I put a password on our computer that only I know so that he cannot access the internet.
It has also helped us for me to check with him every once in a while and find out if he is having any temptations. If he is having a hard time we talk about it. It is hard for me to hear that he has those thoughts, but I would much rather have him talk to me about it than find a different way to resolve it.
The last thing that I can suggest is the hardest one for me. Make yourself available to him. There are times when it is really hard for me to want to be intimate because I feel hurt nad betrayed, but the more you can be there for him the less he is going to have a need to find a different outlet.
Just remember that this is an addiction, and it's not going to be easy, but your marriage is worth it! If you have any other questions or just need someone to talk to feel free to email me.

first of all, i would not be interested in responses from the negatives persons that suggest leaving. there are so many hyppocrites -- and as a "believer" we need to forgive, none of us are flawless! praise God for his attempts. apparently he is willing to work on it! be careful though, some of the advice from people could possibly be the other woman if given the opportunity....Pray continue to work with him since he is willing.

M., you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.
Addictions are the responsibility of their 'owners' alone, unless you or your children are in danger I think this is a relatively minor defect (there are much worse things).

Has he met with a counselor. I have discovered that there is normally an underlying need from childhood that did not get met and this is one way to temporarily feed that need. Also check and see what books are out there.

You are definately NOT alone in this. I have had the same problem you have. I found out about it after we had been married 2 1/2 years and he said he would stop. I believed him. I found some pictures on our computer two years ago and freaked out. We saw the bishop prayed about it and went to counseling. I have a pasword set up on our computer so he can't get on without me knowing about it. He says he hasn't looked at anything for two years since I caught him. I made it clear that I wouldn't stand for it and that if it happened again I would have to leave him and take the kids with me. He didn't understand how I really felt about it until I told him. I said he can pick between our family and pornography and he has picked our family...so far. It is a constant struggle though and it is hard for us to understand what they are going through. It is an addiction so it is extremely hard to stop. I told my husband that if he is even contemplating it I want to know. He knows that I will be uspset but I will understand and try to help him. He needs someone to turn to when the temptation is too strong for him. If he knows you will just get mad at him, then he won't confide in you and try to take it on himself. We have regular "meetings" together where we talk about how he is doing with this and what each of us can do to make it easier on the other person. I think counseling helped us the most because it really helped us both know how the other felt about it. My husband is also a wonderful person and I love him so much! I truely hope that this addiction doesn't ever break up our family and I hope that if the day comes that I have to choose I will choose my children and me over him and his addiction. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! The hardest part for me has been not having anyone to talk to about it. It's not like I can call up my mom and tell her the problem you know? You can do it though and if he is willing, you can both get through this struggle together. God bless.

First things first, if this is an addiction you can not ask your husband to stop to prove his love for you. You need to be supportive and be there for him. Second if he is attending a 12 step program he should have a sponsor, whom he should contact for back sliding issues. A addition will be with him for life and he will need love and understanding to live with it. It might help you to find a support group for spouses.

Hi Majestic,

My husband and I have been married almost 18 years, and this has been an ongoing issue, until I got to the point, I just don't cawith those re anymore. He obtained a lifetime subscription which he paid for, and he gets a Playboy magazine every month at no cost because of his lifetime status. I look at it this way, it is a curse that he has to answer to God for. He attends church with me, hears the sermons about how pornography is rampant among Christians, and it does not affect him.

Yes it makes me feel inadequate, and basically I have kind of shut down sexually because; I just can't and won't compete with those skanky women. I have asked him, what if our daughter was on the centerfold, and if he would approve, to which I get no comment. I remind him also, that those girls are some mans daughter.

So, just let God deal with him. As His word says "It is a terrible thing, to fall into the arms of the Living God."
God knows how you feel...He knows exactly what your husband is doing, and He will take care of it, in His time.

Best Regards,

C.

There is a great therapist in the SLC area that provides a program for pornography and the program goes along with LDS beliefs. His name is Dan Gray and the program is called STAR. It involves the wife as well which I think is a great aspect of the program. Bishops are great but they are not trained to know how to deal with this issue and more times then not individuals need resources and support. He already knows its "wrong" he needs help on how to manage it. And you need a resource to talk about your feelings as well because this directly effects you and your marriage. Good luck!

Hi M.,
I really feel for you. I belonged to a women's prayer group at church.Whenever we had problems at home it helped to talk to other women.Your husband is going to need to get help. Maybe for you you can try to join a womens group and talk about it. Putting it all out there really helps. Knowing friends are praying really helps.

IMO if he can't stop then he doesn't love you very much. He needs to find a program and stick with it. It hurts you very much for him to do this. I wouldn't put up with it.

Treat this like any other addiction (alcohol, drugs, etc.) and seek professional help. Seek marriage counseling. It's difficult for me to understand because I don't have an addictive personality. It sounds like your husband does. Only the experts can help him. And you need help coping as well. I wish you the best.

It sounds like you have a basically good marriage and that he is a good father. I think you would be doing yourself and especially your children a disservice by leaving him over this. That said, I really think that going to a good therapist would be an intelligent thing to do, and not just a clergyperson. And I say "good" therapist, because there are some who are not particularly helpful, or worse, as in any profession. (There are ways to find good ones, maybe through a referral by a trusted physician or friend.)In my opinion, this would be your best chance at finding out what's really going on in your marriage and improving your relationship, especially since this is so upsetting for you. You have a right to have your feelings heard and respected, and so does your husband. A couple's therapist would provide an emotionally safe place for this to happen. Good luck--wishing you the best for everyone concerned.

I don't understand how smart, educated women would tell you not to worry about this! I've been reading your responses because I was wondering what I could possibly say...I have been married 4 years too, but I've never delt with this situation. I'm afraid I don't have much useful advice, but encouragement. There are many responses that said that this is not a big problem, that you're lucky that he's "active" and that there are more imporant things to worry about...you and I both know that anything that can destroy the familiy is worth more than worry. It's worth armies and navies, it's worth money and time and patience and hard work...it's not just looking at naked women, you know that. This tool of the adversary can destroy a home, and many lives. "It is filth...absolute sleeze". Don't give up on this one. He's trying. We (as wives) don't know how difficult it is to overcome. My only advice is to be consistent with him-meaning don't you let him get away with ANYTHING, love him unconditionally and show him that love EVERY chance you get, and finally, please please continue the counseling. If he really wants it, he can kick it. Remember you can't do it for him, but you can help him along the way. You are the one that can help him change it all. He loves you. He loves your children. You are not alone, and you are loved. My sister always tells me that mother's are special...like angels. Only she says "If we are angels, we carry swords". You can do this. The Lord will not foget you. Keep moving forward.

M.-

I have read all the responses, and although i cannot add any additional advice, i can say that i know exactly what you are going through. my husband struggles with pornography the same way, it seems, as yours does. he too has talked to the bishop and we have tried to solve it. and no, it is NEVER ok, NOR natural, to be looking at pornography. the thing that has worked best for my husband and i was to have HIM make the restrictions. he needs to want to change. for a while, we put a lock on the computer and only i knew the password, and i would be in the room with him when he was on the computer. that went on for several months, and then went from there. another thing that we have tried is to have a time limit also. for us, it's a day to day thing, focusing on the good and the times where he has overcome temptation. it is an ongoing battle. when i found out about his addiction, i was devistated, and when i found out he was SILL sneaking it, i nearly left him. but it's not effective, at least for us, to get mad. let him know that it upsets you, but focus on praying and being positive. it's not you. that's not why he does it. it's because his mind is used to that stimulation. i wish you the best, M.. it is a difficult thing to deal with. i feel your pain. just keep truckin'. you'll be in my prayers.

I too have a husband with a pornography addiction. First of all, do not take it personal. It's not because you are less of a woman and his love for you is less. This is an actual chemical addiction in the brain. When he needs to "feel good" or get away from stress, he knows he can get away briefly with the pornography. For my husband it is stress and his dad's problems and his job.

The best thing going for him is that you both believe in Jesus. The second best thing is that he wants to overcome this addiction. Don't think this is going to be easy. My husband still "falls" sometimes. Those instances, however, are becoming less and less.

The main thing here is he needs to find someone to keep him accountable, preferrably with someone who is dealing with this also, but is further ahead in this battle. Talk, talk, talk! Sometimes talking is hurtful to you(I've been there and sometimes it still is not easy). Pray for your husband too! Let him know you are here to help when HE ASKS for it. There are several internet filters to protect the internet usage. www.XXXchurch.org is a great website that can help. It has a section for spouses that is really great and gives a new perspective. Also www.everymansbattle.com is a website based off of the best selling book by the same title. This site also offers sign ups for the three day workshop. It is part of a webring that I have not personally checked out yet, but looks helpful. Please contact me if you want to chat/talk more. There is so much more to say and it would take weeks to share!

My husband looked at pornography as a teen, and to this day is still tempted. He doesn't look at it anymore, but we both just have to make sure it's not even accessible to him. We have all the bad channels on our TV blocked and only I know the code, that way the temptation isn't there. If your husband is looking at magazines or internet, just try to make it as hard as possible for him to have access to it. If it came down to it, get rid of the internet or see if there is a way to block it. If he truly wants to quit he will be willing to do this. I think it's a very common problem and the best of people just get sucked into it. Other than that, all I can say is pray! Good luck!

Hi there.
If this truly is an addiction, it is a disease. Asking him to stop to prove his love for you is tantamount to asking a diabetic to produce adequate insulin in order to prove they love you.
A diabetic can control their disease, but not without medical help. Likewise, an addict can control their disease, but not without help.
You may want to check out some sort of Alanon mtg to see how you can help and ask him to go to a 12 step program for his specific addiction.

Hi M.,

This is as big of a problem as YOU feel it ought to be. There certainly are people in worse condition because of an addiction.....they lose jobs, go broke, get physically damaged, don't meet their commitments financially/emotionally/physically. It does not sound as if your husband is in this sort of situation since he is an occasional viewer. For myself, I would not risk my family life and home by making this a huge deal. Many men view pictures occasionally and its not a big issue in their relationships and lives. Since it bothers you so much, I encourage you to explore more about how you feel about it and why it is so threatening to you. And you should confirm whether your husband feels the same way about it. If it is completely a religious stance or about expected self-control, it would be good to explore & consider if this is one of those situations where we know that humans are flawed and we do our best, but we need to allow ourselves to forgive ourselves and each other. If it bothers you mostly because it makes you feel jealous or threatened, its good to recognize that too. But religious or not, for most men it is a completely physical reaction, it truly has nothing to do with how they feel about us spouses. It is not about that they don't love us enough.... its just a fantasy state of mind that helps them blow steam around all their responsibilities.