My ex and I lived together for 18 months with our 7 children-ages 16, 12, 10, 7, 7, 5, and 3 for 18 months (we both have 50/50 parenting time.) We have now broken up. Here is my question: do you think it is better for the kids, in general, for us to 'wean them off of one another' or 'yank the bandaid off'?
Please refrain from telling me we should not have moved in together without marriage to begin with, I have already been beating myself up enough about that! Thank you :-)
To clarify: My children are the 16, 12, 10, and 7 year olds, our daughters (10-mine and 7-his) shared a room, the children had begun referring to each other 'brothers and sisters'. Moving in together was NOT something I took lightly, we had discussed marriage before moving in together but I did not want to deal with having a wedding while attending school fulltime.
If you are living close enough, and the two of you are civil, I would suggest supporting an ongoing relationship among the kids. Their friendship may gradually end over time anyway, based on their ages.
I think they are close enough to end up being life time friends. I don't think you have to keep them apart. If you and the guy are adult enough to realize they love each other and need each other now you'll find a way to let them be together.
Plus, they're old enough to make some decisions about their friends.
How close are the kids to one another? Are they all yours and his together, or are they step-siblings?
When my ex and I split, his kids made a point of telling my daughter that, regardless of what happened between their dad and her mom, she was still their sister and always would be.
How is your relationship? Is it civil? Would you be living in the same relative area? Are the kids friendly? Do they have a relationship?
If you can be friendly, the children can still have relationships with each other. Just because the adults don't want to be married, doesn't mean you all have to disappear from each other's lives. I'm assuming you knew each other a while before you lived together, so the relationship isn't just 1-1/2 years, it's actually longer.
The 16 year old needs to be treated like an adult in this situation. If you can be civil, work all this out together.
You have 7 children and only lived together for 18 months? I'm pretty confused by your question.
I think this question is going to depend a lot on your specific circumstances. For instance, are the kids really close? You said the girls shared a room, do they could be. And what is the situation with your ex? Is it peaceful? Or is it an ugly break up? If everything is calm and they want to remain friends, I don't see the harm in it. If its an ugly break up, I would certainly rethink them remaining friends. I don't condone you moving in with him. I actually kind of support it. Had you have been married you would be going through a divorce right now. And in my opinion people jumping into marriages is why the divorce rate is so high. Its sad that it didn't work out, but better sooner rather than later!! Best of luck to you!
We recently said goodbye to our foster daughter (age 3) and remain parents to our boys (ages 7, 5, and 2), kind of similar in that our relationship with her bio family is tenuous. In your case, since your kids are old enough to express whether they want to see each other, I would just ask. I've had lots of conversations with my kids in the past few months, and I find that it's important to bring up topics that may be sensitive so that our kids know it's okay to talk about it.
I hope that you are managing this breakup and have friends to talk this out with as you process your own feelings. And I hope you find comfort as you and your children move on!
I won't beat you up for marriage, my husband moved in a year before we were engaged. I will beat you up for letting a man move into your home who was not, all in, so far as your kids go!
When my husband moved in his biggest fear was it wouldn't work out and then I wouldn't let him see my kids anymore. He already loved them like a dad, they loved him too.
You didn't have that. You moved in together hoping it would fall together, does anything get better when you are around each other all the time?
Which brings me to my answer, since they never had a connection just rip the bandaid off. Other than making you feel better about your choice there is no upside to continuing that relationship.
Ack! Fuzzy, I forgot about the kids relationship with each other. Good catch. My husband doesn't have kids of his own so that wasn't in our equation.
So yes, if the kids have a relationship you should make sure that continues however they feel it should.
I think it could go either way. Kids get yanked from there friends all the time when they move. This can't be any different. They may talk or penpal for a while. I wouldn't force the friendship, I wouldn't keep them away if they wanted to keep in touch. I think the only thing that matters is that you make the kids happy (as long as it's okay with him).
I can't imagine how you would "wean" kids away from O. another...
So RIP away!
Encourage them to keep in touch.
Yank the band aid off.
If they want to keep in touch - they can be pen pals.
