Should Ex's Be Friends and to What Extent?

If you two are better as friends rather than as life partners, what anyone else thinks is irrelevant. My husband of 20 years is still friends with all of his ex-girlfriends and I think they're wonderful women!

Frankly, I think it's outrageous to be slamming two people, ex's or not, for trying to amicably raise a child. Sheesh...

Ignore the naysayers and do what works best for you.

I don't see why it has to be wrong, as long as there are no expectations on either side for adult romance. I have a friend whose sister is divorced and she is still best friends with her ex. They spend time together for b-days and holidays. She is good friends with his wife, and his other kids call her aunt. Sometimes you can hit it off but you are not really meant to be in a serious relationship. I know plenty of people that get along fine with their ex, and some do spend holidays together. I also know some with really bad relationships and cannot be in the same room for more than a few minutes.

it depends on how much time you spend with him.
I don't think it's a good idea , especially if you get another boyfriend and later husband, I don't think he will be so understanding.
it's very unusual for ex s to remain friends. spending time with the child is one thing but hanging out outside of is flirting with disaster.

As his friend maybe you could teach Chad how to use a condom.

First, most relationships that shouldn't exist are secretive. If you are openly friendly with someone, the likelihood that anything 'unseemly' is going on is very minimal.

Secondly, the more friends anyone has -- true friends who have your best interest in mind -- the better.

Thirdly, the best example two parents can set is to be nice to each other. I've been married 34 years, raised 4 kids together, & we still don't enjoy each other much. You can do better than THAT!

No matter what you and your ex will always be in each others lives, and it's great that you're getting along! Much better than fighting over custody or something else. Good for YOU! You are definitely doing the right thing for your child. ****SO PROUD OF YOU!

What you have and with your son and his Dad (your Ex) sounds like it is very positive... and void of antagonism and negativity.
Good for you.

Ex's can be friends.

Your relationship ended well AND he is the father of your child so why wouldn't you be friendly with each other? I'd bet any man that comes into your life now had BETTER understand the special relationship you have and the precious gift you've given each other -- your son. (LOVE the name JAX by the way!)

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I'm not speaking from experience here, as my husband & I have been married for 25 years, and neither of us has an ex. I should think, though, that what's best for your child is the thing to do. Is it better for your child to have a mom & dad who are hostile to each other or friendly to each other? Maybe I'm missing something, but it seems like a no-brainer to me. I'm pretty certain that your child will be happiest if his mom & dad treat each other with respect. If either of you gets involved in another serious relationship, there will be complications, perhaps, but any mature person should be able to accept that a friendship between you and your child's father is good for your child.

you are playing a double edged sword. if you are friends and not hanging out all the time its cool. if you are spending to much time together your playing with fire. if you hang out with him and meet someone new he may get very jealous. then its not worth it. now I know a girl and her ex who spent birthdays and holidays together so the kids could be with both parents but her husband was in agreeance to it.

exes are tempting candy. in some cases. now in others there are no way they would get back together. I think if you can keep it out of bed its in the childs best interest. if you cant keep it out of bed then no. once an ex always an ex is my motto. there is areason your not with him. but if you meet someone new make clear that you have this type of relationship with him and that it is none sexual and will never go there. unless there is a chance it might. then dont say it. tell them honestly how much of a relationship you have with him if he is ok with it keep doing it if not quit. this is actually where you will find out if they are controlling or not. if they are get rid of them. mine is friends with his oldest boys mother and I am fine with that it is just by phone and I like her too. now the ex wife is ano contact cause she is crazy.

I know if he was to ever be around his oldest boys mother he wouldnt do it without me there and she is also 5 states away. it depends on the signifigant other in your life and what the relationship is. if its friends with benefits end it. if its platonic keep going with it.

Absolutely NOT wrong! As parents, if you don't "love" eachother, why not be friends with eachother?? It is a positve way for the both of you to be involved in your son's life. Regardless of what others have to say, you and your ex need to look at what is best for you, and most importantly, what is best for your son. As you move on with other relationships, that is something that your future partner will have to accept. If you continue to maintain your friendship, it will definitely be a positive thing for your son. Many people start out as friends, move into a relationship, and then realize that they are just better off as friends, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!

I think the level of friendship that people maintain is a very personal thing that just depends on the situation. I personally think it's best for the kids if their parents can remain at least civil and have genuine concern for each other. I am not close with my ex because I don't trust him, he's a pathological liar and extremely manipulative. He has done really horrible things to me and I keep my distance, but, for my son's sake, I keep my personal feelings about him to myself.
HOWEVER.....I have friends who get along better with their exes after their divorce than when they were married. They attend holidays and birthdays together and stay at each other's houses, even with their new spouses. It seems a little too close for comfort to me, but it works for them Their kids have the best of both worlds and just because they weren't in love with each other anymore didn't have to mean they hated each other.
I think you're doing the right thing for your son. He needs both his mother and his father and he should grow up having that. When he's older, he will really understand and appreciate the depth of your love for him by sharing things together. I think he'll be much more secure as a person.
Things may change some as you and Chad get new significant others and form new separate families of your own, but then again, maybe not. I know plenty of people who carry on just like one big, happy family.
It just depends on what works for you.
Trust me....doing things together as much as possible is far easier if you can do it. It's not easy trading off every other year for this or that. It's tough. Especially on the kids.

Very best wishes.

I would agree....I was previously married and my ex husband is a huge part of my life. My 4yr old daughter lives with him so we're together for most holidays, birthdays and in general, just to hang out. One of the first things I had to make clear to my fiancee was that there were no feelings between the two of us any longer but we would have to at least deal with eachother for the next ump-teen years.....and now, we're happy being one crazy mixed up family.....i'm engaged and have an 11month old and we all love spending time with my daughter and ex husband. I'd say, if you two get along,than your functioning well as a disfunctional family, at last that's what I say about my own! Good job co-parenting!

Yikes on your "So What Happened" 5 kids by 5 different women! Geez!
Anyway, I think it's fine. It's not like you guys get together and go out for drinks. You're friends because you have a son together. I don't see anything wrong with it. In fact, I think it's nice. It will be nice for your son to grow up in that environment. It's far better than you being hostile toward each other. It might cause some problems in future relationships for you. Guys can be insecure like that.

It really depends on how the relationship ended and if one party still has feelings for the other. My husband's ex turned out to be a crazy person who he, thankfully, did not have children with, although she would sometimes still call just to "talk" like they were still friends. My ex we still talk to and I'm friend's with on facebook. We admire each other's baby pictures and see each other when I go back home and my group of high school friends gets together. It really just depends on the people.

It sounds like you and your ex are doing great for your son, and that is much more healthy than people who hate each other and never talk.

I think you have a great situation. What works for the goose doesn't always work for the gander. (Funny expression). You're doing right by your kid, and that's the most important thing.

As an aside, my son's name is Jax too! Well, Jackson, but he goes by Jax. Good choice : )

I think what you are doing is wonderful, you have truly put your child's needs first! Your situation is special because a child is involved, but on the same note, I am friends with several of my ex's, because I believe that even the past can bring happiness to the present.

You can be friends with whomever you want as long as you are single, but in any future relationships the guy you see has a right to an opinion on who is and isnt your friend. But until then, knock yourself out.

If there are children involved, absolutely they should try to be friends if possible.

My parents divorced when I was under a year old. Yet they were both always at my birthday parties and other holidays. Both eventually remarried (and re-divorced but that's another issue).

Personally, if I met someone who was NOT okay with me being friends with my son's father, then that person would not be the one for me. My son's relationship with his father and mother is the most important thing. Period.

Good for you for doing what you can!!

I didnt read any of your comments, but I think those people that made the comments about not being friends with their ex's is just wrong. I have a friend that her ex was the best man in her wedding to her husband now and they have been friends since. It works for you and the kids. especially the kids. how great is that. Their parents get along instead of fight and call each other names. WOW. I have never personally had to deal with this but I have seen it. Good luck and be friends.

I think it is great if you can be good friends and continue to co-parent in this way. It sounds like things ended on good/mutual terms and that probably makes things so much easier. When you and Chad find a significant other, you may meet w/ some resistance and may need to give a little. Still stand your ground. You will need to make it clear to those others that you two do not have romantic feelings for each other, have no regrets, and plan to continue to co-parent. Just be careful that you don't give Jax any "false hope" that the two of you may reconcile.

If it had been a bad break-up or one was still hoping to reconcile (especially if one had moved on and the other hadn't) it would probably be hard to do what you are doing. Many people can't do it but it is wonderful that you can. Continue to put your child first.

Friendship comes by many definitions and in my book....you definetly seem to have this and want this with your ex-husband and I think that's a great thing. Too many people split up and have no maturity or respect for each other enough to keep things civil and move on. You seem to recognize that the man who you had your son with is not the person you wish to be with in life but you do want him to be around, be there for your son, and you're not trying to cut him out of all that by being mean, nasty, or disrespectful. I think that being friends is wonderful and if for no other reason than that your son will thank you for this ten times over as he grows up. I'm also glad that you wee able to come to terms with your feelings about your fiancee and that Chad should never be held back by you if you truly don't love him the way that he needs you to. I am truly sorry for your loss and I commend you for being honest and truthful about your feelings instead of just staying in something that is not what you want. Remain friends. Enjoy Jax together as he grows. Keep communication open and honest as friends always do. Respect each other and the feelings that each of you might have. Just remember that sooner or later, Chad will move on and find love again and so will you and that might change the dynamic between you. I hope it doesn't, but it might. If being friends feels right to you, do it. No one else has to approve and mean moms or immature people can say all they want about ex's as friends.....and you don't have to care. I think you have a good thing going here. Nurture it as long as it feels right to do so.

I am a grown up, people are human and make mistakes. I have grown very close to my ex and his wife. I have even spent the night in their home one time or another, without my husband. There is no reason to be childish if both parties are adult and realize the past is the past.

He moved in with L while we were still married but we had been separated over a year. I actually saw him and L at a movie theater one time on a date. I was on one too and loudly said to my date "This is my husband and his girlfriend, the one he's living with". Everyone was VERY interested and you could see the crown take a step closer to see what would happen next. Nothing did.

She fixed him...literally. I would not have received 1 cent of child support if she didn't pay the bills, she kept at him to get a job and stay with it, she got him going to church again, she is his stabilizing influence, she kicked him out once and he cried like a baby at my mom's telling us she was the only one who cared enough to be tough with him...she made him a man that I am proud to call a friend. he had 17 jobs in the 3 years we were together, he has worked at the same job for over 15 years with her, and makes over $25.00 an hour, she does too so they are very comfortable. They have guardianship of one of our grandsons and adopting another one that is in the states custody.

They are really good people and if I had no past marriage with him and just lived next door I would be proud to be friends with them. Why should it matter if I was once married, when I was a child, to that man? It shouldn't. It doesn't. It did hurt some when he moved on but I didn't want him back, it was just petty stuff and I realized that eventually. I am a grown up and can be friends with just about anyone for a short period of time and for longer times with really nice people.

Yes, they should be friends, as much as possible. I don't know why anyone would think that it is better for your child for you to be cold or distant or enemies with his father. That makes no sense.

Being friends may be the best thing you can do for Jax. You and your ex will be bound forever by Jax. I need look no further than my own family to see the damamge that is done to the children by ex's being constantly at each other's throats. It may sound cliche, but it really is the kid(s) that always end up getting hurt by the adult's decisions. If your ex is friend material then you're a lucky woman. By all means, protect your little one at all costs, but don't rob him of a relationship with his father and yourself of a friend. It's not like you can have too many friends. I say go for it! Good luck and God bless.

If you have a child with your ex, then being friends is very important! The amount of "friends" you are depends on both of your comfort level and situation. If you both have significant others, then you'll have to take them into consideration too.

My husband is friends with his ex and it's fine. They talk on the phone to coordinate things about their daughter. They both are present for their child's big moments--birthdays, recitals, games, etc. They often sit together, or sometimes they sit apart. Sometimes they call just to ask for advice (but never just to socialize). It's much nicer being friends than being cold, or using their child to hurt the other one. She has a boyfriend, I'm married and so we all have to do things together.

If you're calling him for long social chats and vacationing with him with your son, that's different. But just taking your child to the park together, talking to coordinate or ask advice, taking your son out to dinner...what's the big deal??

I’ve been friends with all my exes for the most part. The way I see it, you were attracted to them not only just physically but I would hope for other reasons too like intelligence, kindness, thoughtfulness, humor etc. Just because you were not a good match for a long term relationship does not change the kind of person he/she is was. Well, unless they did change into someone bad, then that would be a different answer.
My SO and I are friends with our exes. We don’t even consider them as exes as much as we do our friends, it’s only in the eyes of others who look at you funny when they realize that – OMG, you are friends with your ex?!?! – they label our relationship in that manner. It’s kind of sad because relationships should be more than labels. Anyhow, I think most people who think this way are a little insecure/threatened in some way. One of my friend’s current girlfriend has had issues with us being friends even though it’s been over 7 years since we were in a relationship and I’ve been in a relationship with my SO for 4 years and we have (will have) two LOs. It makes me sad because he’s such as awesome friend/person and I rarely get to talk to him let alone see him.
I’m lucky that my other close friends are in relationships where their current SOs feel the same as I do. Also, I do make it a point to never compete for time or attention from their SOs, to respect their relationship and I always make sure to never give them any reason to feel uncomfortable about our past relationship. I’m also lucky because my SO again feels the same and understands the evolution of the past relationship to our current friendship… so much so that recently when one of my friends thought he needed a place to stay, he offered up our couch =)

I think it depends. You sound like you have your head on straight regarding the relationship status. If you've seen the movie "Stepmom", it's a great example of how ex's can know they aren't meant for each other, but can remain friends. I personally don't understand how you can have a child with someone and NOT maintain some kind of relationship with them. My ex from high school found me on FB in January, and we've been in touch a bit. Had lunch once, email occasionally, etc. I'm always open with my DH about it, but he's not thrilled about it, so I've minimized our contact to respect his feelings. But to be honest, I can't believe it's an issue. It's been TWENTY YEARS since we dated. We've both moved on and have families of our own. He still talks to one of his ex's every once in awhile, and it does bug me a little, but they dated right before he and I did, so it's a more recent thing. However, I know I'm being immature about it, and she's also married with kids, and I have no concerns about him cheating on me. If they talked/saw each other more than a half dozen times a year, I could see it being an issue. But I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping in touch.

I have been friends and enemies with my exes. Being enemies takes an emotional toll you and is hard on the kids. But being friends is dangerous. There is nothing personal that I've shared with my ex that I don't regret. Somehow that stuff always comes back to bite me in the butt. A simple friendly conversation about my day will be twisted into something I have to defend the next time he gets irritated. The situation becomes even more volatile when you involve the "new" boyfriend and girlfriend. I have learned to keep a balance. Keep a "friendly" demeaner, but be cautious. I try to stay close enough that we can speak freely about the kids and go to school plays, birthdays, etc together. But so far as really being friends, confiding in them, drinking with them, going out with them and the new wife or whatever, getting personal with them, is just too dangerous. Causes more problems than it is worth. And it wierds the kids out! They like it when everything and everyone is in thier proper place.

If you can swing it...then go for it! I think being friends is the best way to go.

If my hubby and I (heaven forbid) ever get divorced...we WILL be friends, because at our core, we ARE friends...and we both can and will put our being "parents who parent together" (our motto) above any and all other things!

I've never been in that situation but I would think that it would be great if two can truly be friends - especially for your child. What a great example you will be for him - and it does make special holidays easier. Go with your gut on this and not what others are telling you is right/wrong.

I think it's awesome if you can maintain a friendship with your ex after a split, especially since you have a child.
Just be prepared that other women in your ex's life and current men in your life might not be so understanding. That will probably be your only issue.

I haven't read the other answers, but I would say in this instance your friendship is probably a blessing to your son and one that should be maintained...with boundaries maybe, but it's a necessity. Good for you guys!

I am adding to the many responses. I know a woman who had two sons, one in a situation like yours. The other with a man who married her. He was an alcoholic and they divorced. She to this day spends time with her 'Chad' and her son is almost twenty He became a replacement for the father the other one seldom sees. He goes to graduations and plays, football games and takes them on vacation. He is also a person who has fathered other children, but the children I see are very happy and contented with this in and out father. They are not deprived of anything and they have a male to be with. I wouldn't have said earlier in my life that I thought that was a good idea, but watching how these children have grown up, I realize how important it is to have peace and happiness in perhaps a modified situation. My own children who are from my first husband, like my husband but have truly been taught hatred by their father and although I have tried to have this kind of thing, he resists. So they grew up, in what really was a pretty peaceful situation, but their biological father has been in and out, spitting out hatred. And they cannot seem to realize it is okay to actually love everyone. So we suffer everytime he comes into the picture, Seriously, I give you credit for working hard on this and I wish I had met a chad in some ways. Your child will be grateful for it.

If this guy is safe then hell yeah he should be in his son's life. Your son deserves to have a father and he's going to need a dad to help him grow up and through his teen years. He's the boy's daddy regardless of the fact he's an ex. So I don't see how him being an ex is relevant to being in your life since he's your baby's daddy.

You are FOREVER connected by a child! The child should be able to know his bio dad, but you should try to raise Jax to respect himself &, ESPECIALLY, women by NOT practising the lifestyle of his bio dad.

I see no problems being friends with an ex but in my experience the only time it becomes a problem is when their new GF has the problem. I have no problem being friends with my ex the only problem is his new GF

If you can be friends that is ideal. Unfortunately for a lot of us the reason we are not with our ex's is because they are not worth being with and they have treated us disrespectful and unkind. So if you both can be friends then God bless you and God bless your child, the child will benefit the most of this. Being a single Mother is rough, it is nice to be able to talk to your child's Father. Good luck to you.

I see nothing wrong with that when we have get togethers with the family my BF sometimes has both of his ex there when his mother to his son comes for the summer to see him they will all go do something together. My ex and I would have dinner together once a month with my daughter.

Friends with exes - depends.

You have a child together, so yes, being friends is a heck of a lot better than being cold to each other!

For me...I only have children with my husband so that's not an issue. I have a few exes I am friends with, mostly of the "we dates for 3 months in a 20 year friendship & realized it was a bad idea" kind. : ) For those friends, the dating piece is incidental.

As the mom you may be referring to, thanks for feeling appalled by that other answer, it makes me feel a little better, no one likes being attacked.

I believe that it is wonderful to be friends with your ex. My ex husband and I are still friends. We have a beautiful son together and our issues in our marriage weren't his fault. He doesn't deserve to see us hating each other and causing stress and tension. It was under sad circumstances that we split up. I'm friends with his new wife and have been since before I married him.

If you feel that you are in a healthy place and don't feel as though you are closing yourself off to moving on from him, then by all means, be friends with him! This world would be a much happier place if people wouldn't hold on to grudges and hatred and just grew up. ;)
If you are happy and your son is happy, then go for it :)
God bless!