OMG - I Realized That I'm an Awful Mom and Need Advice Changing My Ways

Take a parenting class. Read some books, like the Logic series. Be the adult and follow through with what you say and mean it.

It is going to take a bit to undo what you have done but it can be corrected. Better to do it now before the tween/teen years and have no control.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

the other S.

Tell her to do things ONCE. Calmly & clearly.
Followed by two warnings.
Then a consequence. ( which she knows about )

OMG, stoppit, no truly "awful mom" actually admits it.

Keep doing what you're doing. I already know from the tone of this post that things are gonna be okay in your house.

Keep her close, but get pissed at her when she's a jerk. You're doing it right.

:)

What I am hearing from you in your post is that you engage in arguing with her. You should read 1-2-3 Magic. It can be truly eye-opening into HOW you are contributing to the arguing. It's a cheap book. And it's short and easy to read. But you have to read it.
YOU are the parent it was written for, I promise. You feel like "I'm always arguing with her..." You probably are. You are giving away your authority every single time you engage in it, too.

Good luck.
1-2-3 Magic

Try How To Talk So Kids Will listen or a similar book. It teaches you things like how to reprimand a child without being demeaning, how to discipline without punishing and how to get your child's buy-in without being overruled by your kid (my DD likes lists - we can put whatever on a list and then go through and discuss WHY something will or will not be considered). Also, if you find yourself arguing a lot, you may need to think about why every interaction is so charged and if those things are a hill to die on. For example, if my DD doesn't eat her breakfast timely, there's no time for a cartoon. It's the rule, and DD knows it and she gets her warning before it's off. She might fuss, but it was in her control. Rules about candy and TV help us because that's just the rule. Not a good dinner? That's fine. But no candy. She's learned that crying about it accomplishes nothing. She still doesn't get the candy. My DH butts heads with her because he tries to deal with her like an older child (he has two more grown children) and she's still just 6. He takes it personally...when it's not.

I also try to teach her what TO do, like how to wait and talk at an appropriate time, etc. My DD also knows she can go to her room to calm down, and I've done it, too. I've said, "I need a minute." I try to show her that I am not immune and sometimes I need to count to 10 myself. I am not perfect, of course, but sometimes it really does help to not yell in the moment.

You might also consider The Highly Sensitive Child. See if any of that sounds familiar, too.

I am absolutely the last person in a position to judge. My boys are not always the best behaved in their class, and I've had to come to terms with the fact that they get some of their bad habits from me. (I get frustrated easily and raise my voice, for one.)

One thing I noticed is that you said she cries and throws fits and you feel like you are always arguing with her. It's time to give yourself permission to tell her what she needs to do and refuse to discuss it with her. If it's time to turn off the tv, say, "It's time to turn off the tv." If she tries to argue with you, just repeat the direction, "It's time to turn off the tv." If she tries again, let her know the consequence for not turning off the tv. If she tries yet again, it's time for the consequence.

Sometimes it really is ok to respond with, "Because I said so." It's really not an excuse, and it really is ok to let kids know that you are in charge and they do need to do what you say. There are times when you can explain or discuss or even compromise. But there will be times when she is just trying to delay or even talk you out of something and you might need to say, "Because I said so." And she does need to know that certain things need to happen because Mommy is in charge.

One of the hardest things for me is that their needs change. Half the time I really don't know if my expectations are age appropriate. Sometimes I expect too much, and sometimes I don't expect enough. You just have to keep trying and be willing to step back and re access.

Just remember that we are all just doing the best we can, and it's ok to make mistakes as long as we keep trying to do better.

sweetie, i think you need to do some work on yourself first. that's not being mean. but your kids learn from what you do, and if you're this dramatic and over-the-top ('i'm an awful mom, i hate myself, i don't know how to change, she's wonderful, she never listens, she's gentle, she talks back') you have got to get a handle on your inner dialogue before you can change your outer one. and you're absolutely right- if you want to raise sane children, you do need to change your ways.
but that's more about you than just focusing on changing how you do your kids. she's had 6 years to form her habits and personality, you're not just going to undo that overnight. but you can and must immediately change your own reactions to it. you don't have to argue with her. you don't have to negotiate or placate or blow up. if you're exhausted from listening to her, give her a proscribed time of silence (10 minutes would be about right for her age) and set a timer. if she cannot give you that break, she must go into her room for the amount of time. period. it's not a punishment, it's not mean, it's about you getting a mental break to regroup. take it, and if she roars, she can do so just as easily behind a closed door. decide what your boundaries are about snacks and TV, and stick to them. if she doesn't listen, the fun stops. the toys get put up, the friends go home, the TV goes off, and she goes to a quiet place to think about it. if she follows you around complaining, put her in her room.
just stop. stop behaving like another 6 year old ad start parenting. it's okay that you're struggling with it, parenting is hard. but you've got to start with you. get some counseling. take some parenting classes. learn some meditation techniques. join a mom group.
but make your home a calm place where everyone knows the rules. no one can do that if you yourself don't know the rules or keep changing them.
khairete
S.

Love and Logic, 1-2-3 Magic, How to Talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk. Great books. Lots of great info.

I also realize that I set the tone in our house. I homeschool so I also have the role of teacher. I try to remember we all have our quirks and tell my kids I can see you're having a hard time with what I asked you to do, please go to your room (or outside) and return in 10 mins. That way everybody has a chance to regroup.

My main card is if I really want their attention I whisper. They know if I start whispering I am on the edge of my ledge. They are generally quick to straighten up anything they're doing. I was yelled at a lot in my first marriage and I have always told my kids the only excuse for yelling is if someone is across the field or you're in immediate danger.

Also, you are blessed your hubby helped you realize how you're being heard and the effect it's having. Even though it was hard to hear, I am glad he cared enough to say something.

Blessings!
L.

Perhaps 'awful Mom' is the wrong phrase.
You and your daughter are butting heads dueling to be alpha female.
She wants to run the show - you are in a power struggle.
As an adult, wife and mother - you are in charge - you need to believe it and you need to act like it.
This means laying down the rules and following them.
You explain simply and quietly what you want to happen and what the consequences for non compliance will be.
You will warn calmly once when bounds are approaching being over stepped and if the warning is not heeded - the consequence is put into action - just like that - every time.
You have to be consistent.
Just be sure to not go so overboard on a consequence that you punish everyone in the process or you can't live with it.
Let the punishment fit the crime - or - natural consequences.
For instance - if you call for dinner and she doesn't come when called, dinner goes on without her and she misses it - she can eat when the next meal comes around - and you can bet she'll listen when called for a meal the next time you call.
If she wants to throw a fit she can go do it in her room and she's free to come out when she's finished - it's all under her control - but no one else has to listen to it.
She should also not be treating her sister like another parent - she's over stepping bounds - YOU'RE the Mama - you're 6 yr old is NOT THE MAMA.

My best friend in high school was one of 7 kids.
Her Mom was 5 ft nothing and she never yelled.
When their Mom got quiet - they KNEW they'd BETTER listen up.

You have it in you to be the dominant female and be loving and caring - without being a push over and being walked all over.
Good luck!

No your not a aweful parent. But self reflection is a painful thing but a good thing ;) I can relate honestly.

I would say what I noticed is that it sounds like you need to change your methods. Stop talking stop asking / telling the same thing over an over. Use consequences (positive and negative). I have a DD the same age who sounds a lot like your daughter. I've noticed positive reinforcement works best with my sensitve child otherwise she sprials out of control. I limit negative consequences.

I did this Heart thing where i put these put paper hearts in a jar when I saw good listening and any good behavior I was trying to reinforce. It worked wonders. I got the hearts at a teacher store .

HTH

1-2-3 Magic is great suggestion.

The book offers a system of discipline where the parent is forced to remain calm, with an even tone. It's difficult to do, but worth it to avoid the guilt hangover we all feel when after we yell or rant about bad behaviors.

Oh my gosh, I can completely relate to the nonstop talking. Sometimes I feel like I could loose my mind!

Give yourself permission to say, "Sweetie, I need a break. I need some quiet time for a bit. Could you read a book or play in your room for just a bit while I do the dishes?" You don't need to say, "You incessant talking is going to me me lose my mind!!!" But everyone needs a break now and then, so it's ok to let her know when you need one.

Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. Stop arguing and engaging in downward spirals. Keep calm and positive and be consistent with firm discipline if she starts the tantrums and stuff.

Oh gosh, I can feel the stress you are experiencing with all this! I would suggest first: Take a deep breath....it is only a good mom who seeks to improve herself after some self reflection!

When I was feeling overwhelmed with behavior issues from my daughter, I wrote out a list of things I wanted to see improved. I tackled each issue one at a time, starting with the things that wore down my energy and patience the most. If she is sensitive positive reinforcement may work better than negative consequences, but you know your daughter best. Also find a way to strengthen your bond with her, with whatever activity you enjoy doing with her the most.

I wish you the best with your adorable 6 year old!

The fact that you care enough to recognize that some changes need to be made makes you a great mother, overwhelmed, yes, but great. Someone once told me, when I was having issues with my daughter, that kids behave the worst with the people they trust the most to still love them no matter what. It was the best parenting advice I have ever gotten. It made me realize that my daughter trusted me to be the mom. You have gotten some great advice from the other posters, take a deep breath and filter through it. Utilize what you think will work the best for you. It will be OK.

You are drama, "awful mom","hate myself"....come on. Your daughter is a handful and needs to be disciplined. You have to find a better more firm way to discipline her. She should not be allowed to argue and you need to be more effective & pick your battles. Hubby sounds like a pushover and you two need to unite on this little girl. I promise, it's only going to get worse in the tween/teen years.

Hope you got lots of great advice

One thing I can say that is very vague is, just lighten up. Don't take it all so seriously.

Others can give you more explicit advice, because there are whole books on this topic, but in hindsight I know that most of the things one freaks out over about a 6 year old are unnecessary.

Laugh, have humor over it all.

You've got some recommendations for good parenting books. You could also ask you ped to recommend a pare ting class.

In the meantime, i encourage you to pick your battles. Before every argument, decide if this particular topic is really a big enough deal to fight over. Many things are just not worth a fight. And your child is more likely to listen if you really pick your battles.
Other tips:
Temper tantrums- ignore and walk away.
Mindless talking- tune it out (some kids just process their environment by talking things out, it doesn't need a response)

It could just be behavior issues or it could be behavior that she can't help. She sounds just like my 11 year old who was recently diagnosed with ADHD, but just the hyperactive impulsive part. The nonstop talking & immature behavior are both signs of adhd in girls. We are in the process of changing my daughters diet, supplementing & also doing play therapy to help her with her bossy tendencies. You have some great suggestions on books below. If that doesn't work I suggest getting her tested.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Kids don't come with instructions...

I also used 123 Magic and have the book and the DVD. It can be a very effective time out system with appropriate warnings. You may also want to look into positive parenting classes. If you can learn how to change your response to her behavior, her behavior will probably change.

My mom was kind of a mean mom and moody and crabby a lot. Always unpredictable. Looking back, she was probably depressed and undiagnosed. Anyway, I made a promise to myself that I would not be like her in my parenting. I didn't want my son to be scared of me and I wanted him to experience consistency. I want him to remember his childhood and his mom with fondness.

So I guess I'm saying, invest some time in learning new positive parenting skills so she doesn't grow up with the crabby type of mom!

It looks like you have some pretty good responses! I went through this phase myself and the best advice I got was to focus on myself first! DO NOT be so hard on yourself! You are a great mom! The best mom's make mistakes and learn from them and the same goes for kids. I LOVE the book How to talk so kids will listen, How to listen so kids will talk! I think it helps with everyday life in even talking to other people and not just kids! Try reading this book and take some time for yourself. I tend to get more frustrated and argumentative when I haven't had good sleep or some time for myself. A happy wife makes a happy life :) lol

Best Regards!

Thank you for writing this. I swear, as I was reading this I had to actually wonder if I wrote it and forgot that I did!! Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for you as I am in the same boat (and it feels like it's sinking!). But I wanted you to know that you are not alone. Question for anyone reading this - everyone posts "take a parenting class". How do I find one?? I've looked online and haven't had any luck. I must be using the wrong terminology or something??!!

I'm big on turning things around so the child is always making decisions, So the child feels more in charge of her life. Instead of saying go brush your teeth now you ask her if she wants to put on her pajamas or brush her teeth. Brush her teeth in her bathroom or in mommy's bathroom?
Use a timer whenever You give her 30 minutes where she can either watch TV or play a video game and set the timer. This makes it more about the clock or the timer rather Mom always being controlling.
I keep no candy in the house, and bring healthy snacks when I go places, you can have one treat after you eat the snacks I brought, which one treat do you want candy or ice cream? you've gotten some good advice here, no reason to explain why too much candy is bad for teeth and too much tv is bad for her ad nauseum, she is NEVER EVER going to say"oh, I see now you're right. that candy and tv are unhealthy in unlimited doses, I'll make the choice to cut them out" No means no