Not Talking with My Mother

All I have to say is I have seen too many little things come between families - mainly because neither one is will to put their "principles" aside. Know what happens? Before you know it, that family member is gone. My family likes to linger on things that have been said and I get asked "how come it doesn't bother you?". It doesn't sometimes; but I'm not going to dwell over it and not speak to them. Family is WAY MORE IMPORTANT than "principles" and never getting the chance to say "I SORRY". Explain to her that you are married and have 2 families now and that you are sorry for the "Mis understanding" and that you will always be there when she is ready to except that fact. It has been said to my Mom and Grandma on many occassions and seems to "bring them back" instantly.

I think everything depends on HOW RIGHT everyone involved needs to be and what being THAT RIGHT means to the relationships in the long run. A hokey philosophy that was brought to my attention when my husband and I were trying to BE RIGHT with his mom/sister: If you're ok laying the first few bricks in what could become a very tall and wide wall, and if the other parties involved are alright adding to the pile, too- then all's fine. A word of caution though: one or two bricks can be picked up and carried off, a whole wall takes a long time to break down and get rid of all the left over pieces. (We made a whole wall and it's working out great for us but just something to think about before you get too far into everything.)

Hi A.,

You may not want to read this...I can imagine how angry you are. I know what it is like not to have your family time respected. My mother-in-law often talked of how miserrable she was when her kids were young because everyone insisted she bring her young family to their homes. Now she apparently feels it is her turn to make us miserable as she is doing the same thing to us. I have often times had to remind myself that "I am the mommy" to keep good relations with them. I want my children to grow up loving their grandparents, not knowing that she stressed me out (and made my head almost spin around and pop off!). I don't want them to have that stress of feeling like they are betraying me by loving her so I suck it up. I have also had some honest conversations that made me ill, thinking of a way to come beside her (figuratively)...find something we had in common and building on that experience to help her see my point. I said something like..."It must be exciting to see your grandkids do new things and to watch them grow. I love that, too. I was really hurt when you had Aidan's first Easter Egg hunt while I was sleeping. I am sure you can appreciate how much I want to be there to see his "firsts" too. Could you try to remember to let me know when something new is happening so we can share the moment?" I said this all with a gentle, well-rehearsed voice. Things were much better after that, although we still don't always see eye-to-eye.

My second point is that no matter how hard it is to love your mom right now, you really will miss her when she is not here anymore. My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in March 2004 and died April 1 2004. That's right - less than 1 month after his diagnosis. He had no real indicationshe was ill before that. I am so glad that I do not have regrets about expressing my love for him, even though we disagreed sometimes. We always agreed we loved each other, even if we disagreed. Tell your mom you love her and want to make things work out. That you love being her daughter and part of the family and that you have your own family to consider now, too. maybe you could "come beside her" with a memory about being in your home with your sibs at holidays growing up. That those memories are so special that you want to let your children experience the same fond memories. The goal here is to keep the relationship alive, not be right. Love is a choice, not an emotion. It is an action.

Be too dumb to doubt...ignore her pettiness and continue to love her. She will wear down and show her love, too. Good luck!

"Principles" are often the excuse people stand on to keep from doing the right thing. Forgive your family, pity them for not being mature enough to allow your family it's own life and move on. Invite them to join you, join them when you can, and let the rest go. Life is too short to stay angry. Think about how you will feel if your mother died tomorrow, while the two of you were feuding. Not worth it! It's also a terrible role model for your children, to see you angry with her when you should pity her lack of maturity. If she misbehaves, take time to explain your sadness over that to your children, ask them to join you in forgiving her for her selfishness, and move on. Healthy boundaries are a good thing, but not when they are built upon anger and silence.

Been there, done that, SAHM of seven
My mom lives on the West Coast and we've been through it all before!

For this response, I may have to make some assumptions so I apologize in advance. For starters, let's call this situation a matter of values since it will give you and your mother a way to save face and reconcile the issue. First, we need to get you and your mom in a neutral, semi-quiet location like a local library or coffee shop (don't bring the kids). Have your dad come as well particularly if his style tends to positive and he can summarize/clarify things well. If you think he has no back bone and can't stand up to your mother--don't invite him. Second, ask her to do some homework before you meet with her (you do the homework too). Ask her to think about values that are important to her...values are things like spirituality, creativity, honesty, order, wisdom, health, etc. Third, spend the 80% of the conversation talking about values, share them, give examples of the values when they have "come to life". Ex. you value creativity so you like spending your time making scrap books--it may look time consuming to others but it brings you energy because you are making something. Or you like to cook and trying new recipes whether it tastes good at the end, isn't important, it was the act of trying something new. Cooking for family at holidays is an expression of your creativity. Or decorating the house is an expression of creativity. Fourth, use remaining 20% of the conversation to talk about the HOW. How do you live out your values? The issue you described is a detail which has become painful and more important than it should be. You might find "where you eat/visit" doesn't make a difference to you after you've thought about it from a values perspective. Don't worry about convincing her to come to your side. See if you can get her to think about the WHAT--the values and stop getting obsessed with the HOW. The HOW is when both of you get wrapped up in my house/your house. HOW should be something that can change and should change. If you can't get your mom to engage in a deep conversation about values then you aren't going change her mind about the details. If, however, she's open to this and appears to learn more about you and you learn about her---she may find that her stubbornness or control issues are less important and more disruptive to her relationship with you. Perhaps her value for hmmm, "family happiness" is more important. Or perhaps you learn, her value for "order" is important to her. (Smile...perhaps you house is so hectic,too crazy/haphazard for her to relax when she comes over and do you want her cranky? Or if she loves order so much let her express it at your home when she comes.) Go for the values discussion--if you can make that work--good faith effort on both your parts-the other stuff should become easy to figure out/negotiate/resolve/trade-off.

Try again. I live several hours from both my family, and my husband's. We had some issues at first - both families pressured us to come in for every holiday, because "there's just three of you, and there are way more of us".

After a year of back-and-forth, I finally said, "look, you all had the chance, when your kids (including me) were little, to make memories and traditions in your way, for your family, in your own home. That's what I'm doing now. Previously, it didn't matter if we bundled Little Man and went traveling, he was too young to remember. Now, he's older, and Birthdays and Christmas/Easter Mornings in his home (perhaps at his own church) are important memories to make. You are more than welcome to come and stay with us, to celebrate with us, and to enjoy our company as we enjoy yours. The doors are always open to you."

And leave it at that. Ultimately, it is their choice how they react, but if you leave it open, with the gracious invitation there, you have done all you can.

Growing up my Mom's family ALWAYS got together the Sunday after the holiday. My Mom is from a family of 9 kids and everyone showed up because is was ALWAYS the same, the Sunday after. That way everyone could plan. We always went to my Grandparents house as they were the heads of the family. Now that my siblings and I are all grown we do the same. I too live 5 1/2 hours from my parents and we are the ones traveling. That has bothered me at times, but it is what it is. We get together the Saturday after the holiday instead of the Sunday so that way we have travel time. It works well. It gives each family time to have their OWN family holiday and yet spend time with the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc for the holiday too. I have 4 siblings. Three of them live in the town my parents live in and 1 sister lives 2 1/2 hours from home. We now also get together for all the kids' birthdays. Since life gets busy, we split it into "winter cousin" birthdays and "summer cousin" birthdays. My sister that lives 2 1/2 hours from home does winter birthdays and I do summer birthdays. That way 1 time out of the year we don't travel and everyone comes here. You may want to try and suggest a plan like that to your entire family and see what everyone thinks. Good Luck!!

I have a similar problem. I haven't talked to my dad or brother in a year now. They live in St.Paul I live in Burnsville. A whopping 30min. from eachother. I have lived in Burnsville now for like 4 years and they have been to my house like 3 times that's it. They constantly whine about how far I live etc... I hate St.Paul and never want to live there again. So anyways it goes more into detail but when I was invited to their homes for holidays, Sunday dinners etc. I was ignored, made to feel like I was a burden and didn't like the way my daughter was treated. They didn't treat me like I was a guest at all and expected me to like do chores around there house almost asking me to do things like go get there laudry out of the basement, weird stuff. Hello I have my own house and laundry. Most of the problems is with my dad's horrible girlfriend but anyways I'm standing my ground and won't talk to them, My daughter and I spent our birthdays, Thanksgiving, Xmas and now just Easter without them. I am so much happier. I mean it sucks but just to not have the stress and all the B.S. is so nice. I guess I don't really have any advise but wanted to tell you sometimes you do have to stand your ground with family they just don't get it and expect outrageous things.

Swallow your pride, but definitely set boundaries! Your first priority is to your husband and then to your children. We lived away from our parents while our children were growing up but fortunately, it was much farther and with my husband's work schedule, we really did not have the option of going to all the "family" gatherings. I am not sorry we missed them because we established our own traditions and were able to stay true to our own values. In spite of that, my children have a wonderful relationship with their grandma. Now that I am a grandma, I have given my children freedom to do what works best for their families. I want to see them on the holidays if possible, but who cares if it is at my house or theirs? Who cares if it is on Christmas Day or any other day? The most important thing is to be together when you can and show them you love wherever you are.

Traveling is much easier for a childless couple without job schedules than for a family with children and jobs! Invite them to your home and then let them decide if they want to come or not. Set up a plan of when you can go there and let them know ahead of time. Some families work it out in such a way that everyone knows what the next year will bring for the special occasions.

Not talking is not the answer! Hopefully you will figure it out. Life is too short to live like that!

JB

What a shame that your mom can't accept that you are grown and now have a family to consider. Just as you were raised with family traditions, it is important that you begin to establish these traditions with your own children. I had a controlling mother-in-law, as well as my own father, who tried to guilt my family into spending every holiday/special occasion with them. We had to stand our ground, together, to make them understand how important it was to have our own routines. They were invited to share every occasion and eventually came around. This is not saying that you must stop attending all holiday gatherings. Pick the ones that are most important for you to be at home (we chose Christmas), and let them know well in advance of your plans. Invite them to come and share with you. If they choose not to attend, it's their loss. I wish you the best!
[I am a mother of two and a grandmother of two. My children live in Mississippi, and I am in Minnesota!]

I hope since you have been receiving responses, that you have found some resolve. I know this kind of thing for me with my family ate at my heart. My father lives out of state and the road did not go both ways for a very long time. I have three children now 4th, 5th and 6th grade. I own a business, work full time, still try to keep up at home and it is one of the busiest times of my life right now raising my children. Sometimes I think you have to let yourself off the hook. I had to allow myself to stop feeling bad regardless of how my family reacted. I just 'could not ' go home for Thanksgiving, or I wanted to cook an Easter Dinner in MY home and set a tradition for MY children and their childhood. Sooner rather than later, I started feeling less guilty. I realized the road went both ways, the phone lines run both ways, and I couldn;t take on this enourmous task of raising children and all the beautiful stages they go through and the immense work it is right now, and take on my familys feelings at the same time. I had to let myself off the hook. I just kept loving them everyday. Giving them my attention when I could, coming home when I could and saying I love you often. Showing them that although I had a bond with someone else now that requires ALL of my attention, I still loved them. Sooner rather than later, they started to realize my boundaries and that I wasn't 'absorbing' their feelings about me not coming home.I still loved them, I was just all out of time in my 24 hours aa day. Sooner rather than later, their car started heading in my direction on the road and the phone lines started going both ways. Now we expereince a 'guilt' free relationship that doesn't have a lot of rules about when we are 'suppose' to do what, because life is not that predictable. We take one day at a time, we love each other, and we try really hard to not hang on to our pride, but to meet each other in the middle whenever we can. Telling someone you love them, but not taking on their 'junk' is not swallowing your pride. If you wake up tomorrow and they are gone, you will have many regrets that you will never be able to resolve in your heart. No one is asking you to swallow your pride. Think of the task at hand as that of a young child. When they are standing in the corner and refusing to do something. If we refuse too, they will stand there for days, maybe stick their tongue out, but certainly the scenario will end in tears. If we reach out to them not thinking of our pride per se, but reaching to them in love and compassion, saying : I love you and when you are done, I am still here for you. It allows the child to return to you with face, much sooner, with extended arms and lots of kisses. I hope you find peace soon...take care...God Speed.

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles! My husband and I go through this ALL the time with his family. We are the only ones who have kids, and things often get scheduled for late in the evening - eating around 7:30-8pm - and often on weeknights when my son needs to be in bed by 8:30 for school the next morning. Plans always revolved around one of my husbands brothers - the 'golden' child - and his wife. Because of this, I have opted to miss several family functions on principal (or in protest), going so far as the consider not going to Christmas last year. Unfortunately, my relationship with my in-laws (and my husbands relationship with them for that matter) is one where it's not easy to tell them how you feel, so I've been unable to explain to them how hurtful it is to have everyone else's schedules/needs be placed over our entire family's. I wish I had some suggestions for you - so far all I've been able to do it try to get passed it as quickly as possible - more for my husband and children's sake than for my own. I'd be find holding that grudge until they realized how silly it is to revolve all plans around a 30 year old man than a 5 month old baby and a 7 year old little boy...so, I hope you're able to find something that helps you - in the meantime, know that you are not alone! I empathize!

I wouldn't look at this as being about principles. It's about what is best for your family (the one that you and your husband created). If that involves upsetting your parents sometimes, well, that's life. You cannot cater to everyone else's wants (your relatives are just as capable of making the trip as you are, they just prefer that you go to the trouble and not inconvenience them) at the expense of your family's needs. It's a hassle to get the family ready and drive 2 hours each way, and it's not like sitting in the car for that long is a picnic for anybody. No matter how old the kids are. And it's not cheap to buy fuel to take the trip either. It's probably time that you and your husband started devoting that time and money to making holidays and birthdays special memories for yourselves and your children.

Sounds like your mom hasn't forgiven you yet, and that's her perogative. She doesn't have to if she doesn't want to. However, it would be in your best interest to forgive her, just for your own peace of mind. Forgiveness is very cleansing and once you do it, you may have more clarity on what to do (if anything at this point). She doesn't even have to know you've forgiven her. Just do it in your own heart, as an act of your will, even if you don't "feel" like it. You'll rid yourself of any bitterness that can accumulate over time.

Hi,

Let me tell you what I had to do. First off my mother in law didn't like me at all. I took her boy from her, she made life difficult, and she went as far as name calling not only to me but to my mother. That said, when my first daughter was born. She was the first granddaugter on both sides of the family, she lightened up. When it was time for my daughters first birthday, I decided to have two parties. One at his mothers and one at mine. This way there was no fighting between my mother and his. It was a lot of work to do. So I decided that the following year on her second birthday I was not going to do that. So a month before the party I told my mother and mother in law that I was having one party at my house, we would cook and that there would be no going from house to house. I also told each other that the other was invited and that I would not be resonsible for any fighting that happened between my mother and mother in law. Day of the party both showed up and my mother and father brought my Grandmother who lived in SD and was visiting and a friend of the family. All my in laws showed up as well. We had a nice time and there was no problem. Now after 15 years they get alone well and I even though she doesn't like me still, I don't care because I put my foot down. You will too with your mother have to put your foot down. We still argue about how to raise my kids, I have 4 and one on the way, but life is easier. For other holidays, we alternate, because I don't like to cook for a lot of people. So if one Thanksgiving we are at my in laws, that Christmas is at my parents, and we alternate. They seem to like that and I do too. We still have our Christmas with just the "family" that morning and then head off. You might want to try that as well. You will have to train them on what you want. As far as the phone calls. Don't call her, see how long it takes her to call and when she does, and she asked,"why you haven't called in a while?" tell her "oh mom I have been so busy, I just haven't had the time" and go from there.

Hello, My father is the same way!!!! The road only runs one way..so when we go visit him we have to go all the way around the Earth to get back home!!!!! I was tired of this scenario too and just like you I said..no we are not coming to Christmas this year. We had a 10 monh old at that time and they have a dog. Which is harder to travel with? So, I was very surprised when he and his wife came for Christmas, but they have made it very clear to me that because we set the limit this ONE time that they will get their way in the end. Due to my setting of limits they skipped my daughters first birthday party..more important things to do ..Now I know what you are saying "oh that can't be true" BUT IT IS!!! And I was just as shocked as you must be. I have decided that the respect I give them daily apparentley does not rate high in their book to recipricate it to my family. So in short..stick to your guns!!!! It is now about you and your family.if they want to be a part of it then they will come over.

I have the same problem.my family lives 6 hours away inlaws 30min. They never come and see us we have to go there all the time.my kids live 1 hour away(grand kids too) we always have to go there too. It seems it would be easieer for us to travel since its just the two of us . Even when the kidds were at home we did all the traveling, i just look at it this way. I do my best to be in the family relationshjp, why, because i lost my older sister, and i can't see her anymore. So everytime i see my family it brings me joy.just the inner peace of knowing i was there. Sometimes you are the one that makes the difference in their lives even if you don't feel you do.remember this tomorrow they might not be there so keep the peacewith in that you did all you could to be apart of there lives and then when that tomorrow comes and they aren't there you don't have that empty feeling of why didn't i do this or say that. Tell them you love them everydaycall when you have a minute just to say i love you be the one who is there you will feel no regret in the end.life is short live each day as if was their last. You will feel gods love. B. how would you feel if they were gone tomorrow and you didn't make that peace?????????

The only advice I can give you is to just do what is best for your family (only those living directly under your roof) because you simply cannot please everyone.

my parents live 2.5 hours away and honestly really don't complain about much, it is the ones that live in the direct metro who complain about how we spend our time...or where we spend our time, who gets to babysit...and a whole bunch of other things I have just trained myself to not worry about "hurting someones feelings", only because it always seems when we live our life and do what we feel is best for us, someone gets 'hurt feelings', and they don't really hold back either...

funny (or not so much) to listen to an adult whine more than my 4 year old and 2 year old...

always remember an invite is just that, just an invite, anyone can accept or decline an invite.

Growing up both sets of grandparents lived 2 hours away. My parents drove us down home on the holidays and other times. Early day at one family the other half of the day at the others family. I have so many memories of my grandparents, cousins all the family together on the holidays. At the age of 10 one grandma (mom's) and one grandpa (dad's) had passed and it changed we started to have holidays at home and the grandparents would go to a different childs house on the holidays.
When I lived in the same town as my parents and inlaws we did the same thing splitting up the day. We did it so our children could have the same kind of memories I had.
Now we are 14 hours away from our family and make it home usually twice a year. We go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas and once in the summer. I wish a two hour drive was all I had to drive I would be home more often for myself & my kids to see the grandparents.
This will sound cold but my in-law is 80, my dad had a heart transplant 17 years ago. So odds are my husband and I will have years without our parents to build our own holiday traditions.
Now that I am older with kids it makes me appreciate my parents taking us down home. As typing this I remember the ride and stopping to see the bear on every trip looking for the painted eye on the rock and games we played.
This is what we did. You need to do what you feel is best for your family. As for birthday give them the information on when and then it is their choose to come or not.

Read this book called, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. I think it would help answer many of the questions you are asking. It is written from a Christian perspective and the authors use great scripture to back up why it IS biblical to say no sometimes. Hope you get some mending done!
A.- mom with many boundary problems!

Sounds like your mom and my mom should get together!:) Mine has selective hearing too...

In my opinion, and experience dealing with a similar mom, someone has to swallow thier pride and make the first move and that will be the person who wants to keep their principles. Don't dwell on what's been said and done before just validate your mom for all the nice family events she's had in the past but explain that you may have to miss a couple here and there to start your own family traditions. Don't apologize for Easter or even let her, just accept it as a miscommunication (that's swallowing pride). Ask that she understand your youg family's needs and make her feel welcome at your home anytime. You've already done some of this but do it again without anger or tears, just matter of fact.

The validation and looking forward to the future goes a long way with my mother, I hope it will do the same with yours. Good luck!

HI-I completely understand...we live only 2 hours from my family but no one comes to visit. It can be sooo frustrating and discouraging at times. We have 3 little ones also and it does get annoying being the one to have to visit and drag the kids everywhere. My parents are divorced so weekends home are spent between two different houses literally dragging everyone from one house to the next. As annoyed as I get...I love them dearly as I'm sure you do too. Last fall we lost my grandmother and it taught me a very important life lesson. My mother and her (her mom) we're not on very good terms and rarely spoke...when they did it usally resulted in an argument. I can't tell you what that did to my mom when grandma died. She still has a tremendous amount of guilt whenever we talk about her. So...I guess...I try to remember that family is family and we're all going to piss each other off but in the end they're the only ones you've got. Try to hang in there and good luck. :)

I totally understand what you are feeling.I been through it..I live 35 min from my parents and 3+ hours from my husband's parents and I told parents the highway goes both ways and i would like family to come and see me... So I been there and done that too wiht my family..Just call her and talk to her and remind her that you know it would be nice you and dad come and see the kids and me for a few hours and maybe she will bend alittle and just keep talking to her on the phone and try and get her to come to your house for a holiday or something.. Good Luck

Stand by your principles. If your family is important to your parents they will come around. You need to set traditions with your husband and children. Working as much as you do, you do not need the guilt complex handed down by your mother.
Stand your ground and make sure the rest of your relatives understand the the door is open to your home. I have been through the guilt trips, they suck. The sooner you break free the better for everyone. Take time to smell the roses. Don't let others dictate your activities. Just follow your heart and it will all work out after awhile. It will not happen over night. Have a great day and enjoy your children as they grow way to fast.

Traditions are a very hard thing to change. Your mother has always been the one to organize the holiday meals and to suddenly spring the idea of changing Easter to your house only a week before seems rather presumptuous on your part. Holiday meals are her "territory" and an important part of her remaining role as mother. And it sounds like you didn't invite your brothers so of course she would still plan to have dinner at her place.

Sorry to play devil's advocate here but I think you can go about this in a much better way. Pick the next holiday you want to host (for example Mother's Day). Invite the whole family right now, including giving them a time. Invite your mother by first apologizing for your unclear communication over Easter dinner and then by saying you want to take some of the burden off of her and give her a special Mother's Day meal with lots of relaxation and time to hang out with her grandchildren. If she asks to bring something, graciously accept and ask her to bring one of her signature dishes.

Then after the Mother's Day meal, discuss switching tradition around a little bit with you and her deciding on 2 holidays that you can invite everyone to your house (make sure to include your brothers and any future family they may have). Good luck and I hope you can repair things soon. Life is too short to hold grudges over stuff like this.

My mom is like this, too. We've gone for a pretty considerable amount of time without talking to each other-though not necessarily because we were still mad at each other. I just told her straight out that if she expected it from me, that I expect it from her, too. She had to realize that I'm not the only one with a phone or car. Basically, we have our little argument, move on and things are find until she gets upset again. I tell her the same thing-"it takes two..." and we move on. I also pointed out that the distance had nothing to do with it because WE (it takes two) didn't visit much when we only lived 10 minutes apart. She's going to have to accept it. You can apologize that communication was unclear about Easter and tell her that you will be sure to make sure that she is more aware of your plans next time. Then be ABSOLUTELY sure next time. Remind her, talk to your dad to make sure he knows, if she has email-put it in writing! Extend the invitation to the other members of your family, too. Let them know your plans. Forgive and forget actually is important because life is too short. But that doesn't mean you have to compromise all your plans. My next hurdle-telling my mother we will not be in MN for Christmas this year and that we will be spending it in OH with my father-in-law (my husband has not spent Christmas with his family in 20 years and not with his father in particular in 30 years). She won't take it well, but will just have to get over it. Good luck to you...

Our parents are in Ohio and Maryland, so we have a similar situation in being away, but different in that driving somewhere for Easter just isn't an option.
I think you should talk to your mom once you can do so calmly. Apologize for whatever you may have done to irritate her, just to keep the peace. But then tell her that it is time for you to establish some of your own family traditions and spend some holidays at home. Then do it. The key is, if you invite them to your house and they decline because they are entertaining at their house, you can't be mad at them. They are entitled to do what they want. Just keep the invitations coming, and if they NEVER come, tell them that it hurts your feelings. I have friends who establish a routine (such as Christmas Eve with one family, Christmas Day with the other, Easter at home, etc.) but that doesn't work with my family so we work it out every year. I have to say, it is both fun and a pain traveling at holidays, and it is nice to spend a holiday at home with just your immediate family.
If your mom says you never call, put it on your calendar to call her every Sunday. (Or whenever.) Yes, it's a pain when she doesn't reciprocate, but it's worth the goodwill established. My grandmother would NEVER call me, and it used to bother my that the phone calls didn't go both ways. (She used to say she didn't want to bother me because she knew I was busy.) But after she passed, you better believe that I was so happy that I had picked up the phone.
Growing up, we were the only ones who lived away from my mom's family, and they NEVER understood what it's like to have to use all of your vacation going to visit family. Your family may not ever get it either, but maybe you can get some support from your siblings. Count your blessings that you don't live farther!

A lot of this kind of thing sounds to me like a lack of respect. Everyone seems to be caught up in the "shoulds". You should live closer. She should call more. Grandparents should put their grandchildren first. Should, should, should.

How about if everyone just accepts that everyone else has a life too, and everyone has reasons that are good enough for what they do? You call and say you'd like them to come to your house for Easter this year. They say no, we can't make it. Everyone says that's too bad; we'll miss you. End of incident. You call and invite them to a birthday party. They say they're not sure they can make it. You give them the details and leave the decision up to them. Either they come or not, but you and your children enjoy the party anyway. If they didn't come, you call and say you missed them, and you hope you all can get together soon. Left with the choice, they call a couple of weeks later to say they're thinking of making a trip. No hurt feelings, no guilt, just respect (which happens to be one of the better feelings anyway.)

I'm not one to give advice but just wanted to share this with you, I am an only child who lost my mom to cancer when I was 26 and then my dad the following year to cancer and even though we had our struggles I would do anything to have them back here, so don't let a misunderstanding make a big mountain build up between your family.

Stick to your guns! You have your own family and are an adult able to make your own choices. I have learned I am not my Mother's Mother over the last few years. Sometimes they make decisions or say things only thinking about themselves. Voice your frustration. That's the only way to get things resolved. If you don't say anything she will never know how you feel and will continue to dictate your life.

You know what? You're right, you do need to take care of your family first. And yourself! 2 kids and 3 jobs?! You need to make sure you take enough time for yourself, your husband and you and your family! You can't give what you haven't got. Time and energy. I would just remind your parents of the lifestyle you've chosen, family and supporting yourselves. That's admirable right there! A lot of people depend on their parents for everything and you are doing it yourselves! It's hard! But make amends, they are your parents. Come to some agreement on changing up holidays (not birthdays necessarily) You probably don't want to take on all the holidays though, that would be stressful too! Please let us know how it goes!

I can relate. However my mother eventually lets it go. I live 4 hours from her. When I moved here almost 7 years ago they were only 2 hours away. Then Dad lost his job and they had to move. My inlaws live in the same town but hardly show there faces around us. LOL. I prefer it that way! :) I get into it periocically with my mom about coming to visit. They both work though. She just recently got a job. I have asked her to come down to help me after I had my daughter. She refused. She did not have a job then but my dad needed to be taken care of! Like he is a child! Then I asked her to come for different Holidays and she has refused. They did come down ONCE for Thanksgiving and we had Christmas at the same time. THis was actually only because my brother was coming up from Florida and was gonna be staying closer to me. So They came to see HIM! We just recently went up there for the first time in 7 years for Christmas and it was such a ranting session about how we should move in with them. They bought a HUGE 5 bedroom house just so we could move in if ever needed. We are doing pretty well right now and don't ever plan to have to live with my parents. I would GLADLY buy the house off of them and live there if the time EVER came to live there but I don't see that ever happening. Most of the time I just straight out tell her we can't come this time and if she gives me a guilt trip I hang up the phone. She will eventually call in a few days. If she don't its her own loss. I always have to call her because she does not have long distance. But when she wants to talk to me she will buy a phone card and call me and say call her back. I don't let her guilt trips get to me anymore. Her lying is another issue I have had to deal with. I have just made up my mind if she ever lies to my kids then they are not talking to Grandma. I will not have her do the same to them as she did to me. Some grandparents need a push to let them know that YOU are in charge of your life now and not them. It does take awhile for them to realize this and all you have to keep doing is stand your ground. Let her know how you feel. There will be tears as they realize they have lost there BABY but they will eventually respect you in the end. If not then you at least have that self respect and no longer have to put up with the guilt trips. Well Hope this helps. Talk laterz. I hope I made sense. I am 6 months pregnant and have some major prego brain going on. LOL J.

Read: The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner. You won't regret it.

A.,

I know exactly how you're feeling. My husband and I both moved "away from home" when he took a job here in Madison. We've lived here exactly 11 years. My brother and his family have been here once, eight years ago when my daughter was baptized. My sister and her husband came three times, once to help us move into our apartment, once to help us move into our house, and once when our daughter was baptized. Their response is the same: we're the ones who moved away, so we should be the ones who have to come home/travel. My parents/family live 6.5 hours away; my husband's family lives 5 hrs away. It's not like we can just jump into the car and take a day trip!

Our parents come in April to celebrate my daughter's birthday, in May for her dance recital, and maybe one other time during the year. Maybe. We usually go home for Christmas (his side at Thanksgiving/Xmas, my side at Xmas); we'd never think of having Xmas at our place, because no one would come.

My parents started complaining that we didn't come home enough to visit after we first moved here. Our response, like yours, was that the road went both ways. It took a few months, but eventually they missed their granddaughter and made more of an effort to come out. Sometimes we meet in Eau Claire, a somewhat halfway point for us, and visit for the day.

It's called compromising. We're the young family with two working parents and a special needs child; they are now semi-retired and have a lot more leeway in scheduling. We don't get to see them as much as we'd like, but, well, that's the way it is when there's a great distance (mileage/time) between you.

We use the Internet/e-mail, phone, and letters to stay in touch, and visit when we can. Our door is always open to anyone who wants to visit. Unfortunately, in our busy society today, we haven't had any visitors.

I feel your pain and frustration.

A.

Hi,
I'm speaking from the viewpoint of your mom. I, too, am retired - albeit due to a disability. My daughter is working full-time and has a husband who travels to another state every six weeks or so. He works long hours. It is very hard for me to find either of them at home, so I'm always leaving messages. My daughter calls me on her cell 3-4 times a week on her way to or from work. I really appreciate that, but when she does that I don't get a chance to talk to my granddaughter at all - to the point of her saying "no, I don't want to talk" which is what her parents do whenever the phone rings. They choose when to talk to me. Their lives are so busy that I don't know when to call to really get a chance to talk to them.
About Easter, we used to have this same sort of problem except it was my mom that I worried about. She needed to be included. There just isn't an easy solution. And when you are coming from my generation, we ALWAYS went to our grandparents homes for holidays. Of course, they lived closer. I know that times have changed, so we try to work out a schedule. Once in a while, we celebrate a holiday alone - since my mom has now passed away. Retail sales really put a crimp into taking a weekend off. I know, I've been there, too.
Grandma S.

Hi A.,

I can only offer you some words of wisdom. This is long.....

I have 4 sisters and 1 brother. One of my sisters never shows up to anything. But that's another story.

Our parents bought another home upnorth, 3 hours away a few years back, and they stayed up there for Easter this year and only told whoever asked that they were staying up there. Didn't come home this year. Mind you us kids were kind of upset, because we thought they were only thinking of themselves. But then again, why not think of themselves. They both retired last year and for 65 plus years they have been taking their grown children's feelings into consideration, by doing the Christmas thing or getting together for Easter, birthdays, babysitting, etc.

This was the second year that all of didn't get together as a family.

It was hard at first. But we all understood completely. My God, we have been blessed to have such wonderful parents. But, now they want to do things without having to please everybody else. They are doing what "they" want to do for a change. And they deserve to. Just like when you are their age. I don't think you'll be wanting to cater to your children for the rest of your life. You are going to want to get out there and do your own thing. It's only natural.

I think it's wonderful! I love my parents to pieces, but, it's their time. If we want to go see them, it's up to us to go visit them. I know they will open up there home for us, feed us for the weekend, go places with us. They have 40 acres upnorth. It's a blast!

I don't ever remember a time when my grandparents came to our home. EVER! We always went to them. My parents came down a few weekends ago and stopped in without telling us and we thought it was such a treat.

I don't think your parents are doing this to spite you. I think it's just their time to do what "they" want to do.

P.S. The only guilt trip that you are giving is the one to yourself. Never let anyone make you feel guilty for the things you believe in, not even your parents. Do what's best for you and your family because that's what your parents are doing for themselves. Give them your blessing!

Many blessings,

J.

If your children are having a birthday party their grandparents should be invited to it. This does not mean you have to say your sorry to them. Just let them know that their grandchildren would love to have them at their party. This is not about you this time.
Also I totally understand about the phone and driving going both ways. It is more convenient for you to be at home sometimes with working 3 jobs- and being a parent(like haveing 4 jobs). If your mom does not understand this, tough. You know how parents give their children tough love, it's time you do that with your mom. When you tell them NO or your too busy then stick to your guns. If they asked why you didn't come over just say I'm sorry but I did tell you last week that I was not going to be able to make it. If there is a problem with them hearing you on the phone- jot a note down and send it to them. Say that the children have been on the move so much lately that they need time at home- how about coming for Christmas or whatever holiday. Send one along to the rest of your family. This way there is not a miscommunication and everyone can be invited/involved. It shows you still want them around on the Holidays but you need home family time as well.

Oh, it can get so tricky with mothers! They are so great at the guilt!!

But may it be possible she didn't hear you--does she have any hearing issues? That being said, don't feel guilty for not wanting to drag your kids 4+ hours (round trip). It's hard on everyone.

It could be a big misunderstanding, or your mom being passive-aggressive (and having your dad be in the middle). Take the higher ground, and calmly invite them to your house for the birthday party; if they want to come, great, if not, that's their prerogative.

Good luck! When everyone's calm again, maybe you all (siblings included) figure out a holiday schedule, who hosts what, when?? That way there (hopefully) won't be these big "misunderstandings".

I really feel for you! My parents expect me to bring my family to visit them but they will not come to our house because we live too far away! We are the ones who have to travel with small children not them! It bothers me a lot and I have decided that all holidays will now be celebrated by my husband and kids and I at our home, if grandma and grandpa want to be included they are invited and encouraged to come, but I know that they never will. I try to visit them as often as I can on non-holidays because I really do love them and I want my kids to have a good relationship with them. It makes me sad that they are not willing to make the drive to my house, they visit with my sister and her husband and son much more often because they live closer, my sister's son gets more time and attention from my parents and more gifts and treats too, which shouldn't bother me but it does sometimes. Do we ever really feel like adults when it comes to our parents? I know that mine make me feel like a mis-behaving 12 year old again. Good luck with your parents and make sure that your children have the opportunity to spend time with them even if you are mad at your parents, your kids still need a grandparent's love.

Please do not hold this grudge. Misunderstandings are easy to do but difficult to undo. You are sure it is "payback" and your Mom may have "misheard" on purpose, thinking you would do her bidding. This well never be resolved until someone tackles it head on and fixes it, one way or the other. You have just one Mom and she will not be here forever, life has no silver lining and she may be gone before you can make amends..........can you live with that?
Family, the entire family, is all you have.

We live 2.5 hours from my parents and 2 hours from my in-laws. We told both sets of parents that we would alternate holidays, Thanksgiving at our house, Christmas eve at the in-laws, and sometimes Christmas days at my parents house.
One thing you must remember, your parents are not going to live forever and if they pass away before you are able to fix the problem you will regret it for the rest of your life. Trust me on that.

Communication is so very important. Life is too short to let something this simple ruin your relationship. I hope you try to talk it out and that your mother can understand that it ISN'T EVERY HOLIDAY - only one. Sometimes, it is good to develop your own traditions - separate from the rest of the family. As much as I love going to see my grandparents on Christmas day (a 3 hour drive after a morning at church) and then having Christmas with my parents and siblings the next day - I sometimes long for the simple relaxing Christmas where we were in Montana and far from any relatives so we just celebrated simply!

A..
Family is a tough thing sometimes. It sound like to me you have some things storing up inside that maybe are calling for a good old fashioned heart to heart. I find sometimes that writing a letter (that I don't actually send) can get a lot of the emotions out. Also sometimes things come out that you don't expect and you can see them on paper. You could pull a few key points that address how "you" feel "when" x happens.
My mom and I have such different styles, that it has been a real learning experience on how to blend our families- to figure out what is really really important and be flexible about how things happen to stay true to that. A lot of times with my mom we will be at TOTAL odds with one another and when we talk it out we are both hurt about the SAME thing! and it's just a misunderstanding. But it takes a lot of courage and a strong relationship to be able to work through how we rub up in daily life. Small steps.
There is a linguist Deborah Tannen who I heard on MPR and she was talking about the Meta Message, this is like what is underneath what people say. Like if your mom comes over and wants to make you curtains and pick out your furniture- she isn't saying you're not good enough to do that- she's really saying, I love you so much and I really want to be usefull and supportive to you in your new home, and this is how I know how to do it.
Sometimes if I look a little deeper, it's not really about me, it's about my mom- and having that compassion and saying- mom I really love you and I want you to help me with my new apartment cause I think you have great taste but I really want it to be my own style. Then you are acknowledging and validating her and her value to you, but being clear about who you are.
Or in your case... Mom I really love you and you put on the most wonderful holidays with the food we like and it's so warm and inviting, but now I have my family too and I want a chance to be that for them, and I really need your love and support to do that. I was so hurt that we had a misunderstanding because it is REALLY important for me and my family values to be together on holidays. Can we work together?
We forgive each other not just for the other person, but because we don't deserve to carry the stress of that resentment around with us. Especially when we as working moms have SO much responsibility- it's not worth it to stay in a state of anger. Anger is a perceived injustice. One could argue that you could perceive things with a different attitude and it might not suck so much. Like, My mom and I are still learning how to blend our families, sometimes we have misunderstandings and it helps us know who we are and what we care about. I really love being a mom and having a family, my mom is inspiring to me and I hope that we can be close and have fun while we learn how to blend. We all decide weather we learn in joy or in pain- it's a choice, and by far the biggest challenge of my life.
Just stay true to yourself, and your family and take it easy. Your mom Loves you a lot!

Hi, I can relate. I used to resent my parents for not calling and not understanding what I was going through. Why don't they help out more??Why don't they call??Why don't they come see me more???These were all questions and resentments I had towards them. They live four hours away. Long story short...I finally had to realize they are who they are. I can not change them...only myself. So I began calling them reugurlary on Sunday. That way at least I keep in touch with them. Also, we moved 4 states away to be closer to my husbands family. We just wanted grandparents in our lives on a regular basis. His parents are not perfect either. The trick for me now is to concentrate on what I do have. A loving family, great kids and husband and parents who are not perfect but who love me no matter what. Even if they don't show it the way I want them to. I totally gave up on expecting them to do anything. I just really try and enjoy them for who they are. If you don't want to go to thier house explain why without blaming them. Hold to your guns and stick to it. They may or maynot decide driving two hours is worth seeing you they may not. Expect nothing(easier said than done). Good luck. P.S. Remeber our parents are old...you never know when they will taken from us. P.S.S. My husbands brother and wife refuse to go to anyones house for the holidays because they want it at thier home and thier home only...watch out for being one of those people. Then you miss out on stuff.

My daughter and her family live 4 hours away. My feeling is, as much as I'd like to see them, I hate the thought of them on the road. There are so many crazy drivers out there. My daughter and her two small children got run off the road on the interstate and down a cliff. Nobody stopped to see if they were ok. Luckily she had a cell phone. They were alright thankfully.
I also realize that they have a family and they probably would like to start their own family traditions.
The weekends go so fast as it is and to have to drive 8 hours out of it I totally understand if they want to just stay home.
Maybe you could talk to your mom and explain how exhausting it is to drive all that in a weekend. I have been there, a 2 hour drive doesn't sound so bad BUT you also have a 2 hour drive home. Then it is back to the grind on Monday. I was always exhausted by the end of the weekend. I wish you luck!

I've been in a similar situation with my mother so can relate! My own mother is very stubborn and likes to have things her own way, including when she does and doesn't have time to see her grandchildren (it's more of when she feels like it). Since talking on the phone didn't seem to resolve anything but ending up in an argument and making my blood pressure rise, I sat down and wrote her a letter. In the four page letter I wrote down everything that I was upset about, all of my concerns, plus ideas for resolving a few of our issues. I wrote it in a way that wasn't accusatory but so the point would get across about my feelings on what was going on. She was actually surprised that I felt that way and "had no idea" which told me right there that our phone conversations went in one ear and out the other. So if you're mother is in any way like mine, and it sounds like she is, that would be my advice. Confrontations tend to put people on the defense. With a letter they can actually take time to process things and respond with a (hopefully) positive feedback. Good Luck!

You have a right to feel upset over this. Your mother has a right to feel upset also. Things changed when you decided you weren't going to do as you have all the previous years, that was your choice and it doesn't matter who is right or wrong about it, only that you have a difference of opinion. As Dr Phil says, do you want to be right or do you want to fix this? You are fighting against tradition. When my kids were young we had christmas eve at my in laws, christmas day at my parents. When my son got married and had a child, we found that we had to change the tradition. My daughter-in-laws family always had Christmas eve at her dad's parents and her christmas day with her mom's side of the family, like ours. Now we find that they are traveling both days a half hour to my inlaws, a hour and half to her grandparents on christmas eve. Everything is rushed. I started having Christmas eve or Christmas dinner or Easter dinner here at my house, I invite both sides of the family, this saves on the kids having to travel so much. My husband thinks they should do every other year with us and the other years with her families. That makes us miss out on so much though. If you have room at your house, invite everyone to come for Easter or Christmas, including your brothers and what siblings your husband has. This will mean all those others have a 2 hour drive to your house, they might see what you have been having to do all these holidays before. Remember though, family is important and how you are with your mom is teaching your children how to be with you. Don't throw away your family over little riffs that won't matter tomorrow. Call your mom up and talk with her, you don't have to appoligize if you don't want, but open the door to fix the problem.

I second Dianna O's advice...very beautifully written. You have a wonderful heart. Your children are lucky.

C.

I know I'm late responding to this, but I feel I need to say this.... Swallow your pride, call your Mom! Explain to her how you were hurt, and if you had to travel as a child, remind her how hard it was on her to have to pack up a child & drive anywhere. I'm also emailing you, because my MIL just passed away March 20th, so she didn't get to see my 2 boys, 2 1/2 & 7 months have Easter, and never will again. So please, mend you fued, & make amends with you're family, & just be thankful you have them!

I too have parents that boggle my mind at times and I have got to tell you, you just have to let go. This is what I say to myself when dealing with my parents: Take the middle road. Be as peaceful, forgiving, honest and trusting as you wish your parents were towards you. This means you have to let them know how their behavior towards you makes you feel. It will be difficult, but you can do it someday. You also need to just let it go. You will never win.

I know, I know. It sounds bleak. It is just realistic, at least for me. Good luck.
p.s. your mom was being passive-aggressive by choosing to "not hear you" when you told her you would not be visiting at Easter. I'd begin with her by addressing that.

You're not obligated to spend every single holiday with your family (i.e., parents & sibs). Don't be offended that your mom still opted to have something at her house, esp. if she's been doing it for years. Also, it's not clear from your post if you invited just your parents to your house for Easter, or if you invited your siblings as well. Your mom probably wanted to be with as many of her children as possible. Just coming to your house, if you hadn't invited your siblings, could be viewed as unfair.

As for the phone calls, pick 1 day each week where you will call her at a predetermined time (Wednesdays at 7:00 pm, or whatever). You can trade off who makes the call, so you and your mom are splitting the long distance phone costs.

As for the 2 hour drive time, once a month (or however often you want) meet at a halfway point--a restaurant, park, etc.--and spend some time together.

Whatever you decide, make sure you patch things up before your kids' birthday party. You don't want their special day to be overshadowed by what's going on with your mom.

It sounds like you did the right thing for your family by not traveling this Easter. Change is hard on everyone. If your parents are used to you coming to see them for every holiday, they may not be sure how to react to your not coming initially. The best thing you can do for you and your extended family is try and stay positive about the situation when talking to your parents about these events. I'm guessing the way your parents (mom) reacted to this situation is how she reacts to any change or stressful thing in her life (guilt, ignoring the situation etc.). She will probably not change in that regard unless she realizes what she is doing. Only you can change and let go of the guilt she is impending on you. Letting your parents know it is hard for you not to come to see them may help. Saying things like "It's hard not to be with you on this holiday because we love you and it's what we always have done" may validate for your parents how you feel. Their reaction to the situation, in the end, is probably "hurt" because they don't get to see you or your kids. Hurt comes out in all different ways for people, for some people it comes out through anger. Hurt is a hard thing to admit, so we find other ways to express it. Acknowledge that it hurts you too, but staying home for some holidays is how it's going to be. Hope this helps on some level.

Families are hard. Keep calm, relax and take care of you and your family. If you feel the need to please everyone else (which is never possible) you are not going to enjoy your time with your family. I would be the bigger person. Be firm about what you said and what works for your household. I would invite your family to the birthday party if that is what you usually do; remember it is for your children and they probably want their grandparents there. Try to be kind and empathic when your mom gives you a hard time; practice what you might say to her, "I know it's a bummer I didn't call you we have had a crazy week" or "sorry, we need time to just be a family this weekend, sorry if this is not what you had in mind." Good luck. You need to be true to yourself.