Okay…this is going to be a weird post but I have to get this off my chest. Long story short, our family has been through the ringer with my husband for the past two months. He has had serious medical issues for a while now but the writing was on the wall with this incident as I kept telling him that his health was declining steadily again. I offered to take him to Mayo Clinic to be seen by specialists two times last year because I felt he was ignoring something huge. He wouldn’t go no matter what I said. His choices caught up with him and in December he became very ill with a rare blood-clotting disease that put him in the hospital for over a month during all of the holidays. He nearly lost his life and he did lose his right leg to this disease from blood clots that cause so much damage, it was amputate the leg or he would die. I saw this coming as the disease was gearing up and showing symptoms that he was ignoring and denying every day. During this medical mayhem, I had to take over as Healthcare Surrogate and Power of Attorney to see his care through. He was not always coherent or awake enough to make decisions about his care. I did everything I could do to save the leg and his life with decisions based upon medical consensus and I feel I did everything well. He is home now undergoing rehab and leg shaping to be fitted for a prosthetic soon. Yes, he lost the leg but we did save his life.
Now here’s the strange part…..before this happened, my husband has always been lazy and also haphazard in everything he does. He listens, but doesn’t listen. He has to be told what to do and when to do it and it is no surprise to everyone that knows us that I basically run the house and also keep this guy alive at this point. His own family tells me that if he married anyone but me, he’d probably be dead by now from ignoring things and living in denial. He is a smart man when it comes to his work environment and he is a terrific father…we have four kids. But, he’s the type that always needs to be pushed and prodded to keep up the house, pay close attention to his many health issues, and help me out with things he is responsible for too. Suddenly, now that his leg has been amputated, he can remember to do things that I had to nag him about 24/7 before the medical disaster! He can only do so much right now as it is too soon for prosthesis yet but he does have a walker and a wheelchair to move around. Yesterday, with the assistance of our youngest daughter, he wanted to grill burgers on the BBQ and he did accomplish that task. We all enjoyed the burgers for dinner when I came home from work. Here’s the shocker….the grill was cleaned, the BBQ utensils were washed and put away, and he even had our daughter put the BBQ cover back on as well. Why is this shocking? Because if he did this before he got sick, everything would be a hot mess left for me to clean up. Everything would be done haphazardly and he would be making more work for others to keep up on. In fact, I asked him why he is now able to clean up messes, fold laundry, and keep things orderly without his leg but couldn’t do this before when he had both legs. His answer….well, because I had other stuff to do and I was busy with that. Hmmmmm. I say BALONEY. This is going on across the board here and I’m baffled by the sudden ability to do things now that he would never do before. What do you Moms make of this? Nothing in the past, no matter how huge, has ever been much of a wake-up call for him. Do you think this might be the one thing that struck a chord?
i dunno.
amputation and near-death strike me as something of a possible wake-up call.
khairete
S.
Why can't you believe that losing a leg might have been an ENORMOUS wake up call? He can't live in denial any more-- he must have realized that you don't go straight from denial to death, you go from denial to having to *live* with the results,which, in his case, is having to adapt to a new way of doing things.
You've done a lot for him, I can see that. This may also be his way of showing you that he doesn't take this life with you for granted. And this is exactly the attitude he will need if he wants to get healthier, deal with adapting to a prosthetic, etc. Sometimes life delivers wake-up calls along with second chances--- I think he's also going to want to prove to himself that he is useful and capable. Perhaps there is a medical reason for this change as well (something physiological which changed)... in any case, I do hope for the best for both of you. You, too, have been through a lot in the past while, so try to enjoy his willingness to help for now.
Don't worry about the past. He had a near death experience. He is probably grateful he is alive and well and wants to show that he really is grateful to have his life and show you appreciation. So thank him and show him that you appreciate him doing these things around the house
Your husband had a wake up call from above. He had time to see things and now he is "trying" to make amends for all the wrongs he had done. Let the past be the past and move. It took this situation with him loosing his leg to realize what he did have and how to fix things.
Take the bitterness out of your thoughts and accept and appreciate what he can do. Otherwise you will only be eaten up about what he could have done before. Your husband is a new man in many ways and he is doing his best to show and prove to you that he will continue to do well.
I say this because I have had a husband who almost lost his life three different times in about two years due to illness. He also had a blood disorder which was caused by another of the complications of his illness which resulted in him having his spleen removed.
He says to me many times that I had not had him go to the hospital he would not be alive. He has even cried a few times saying this to me. He has seen the error of his ways of the past and is doing all he can now to make amends and to enjoy the life that he has left. He also let me know in an off handed way that he knows that there will come a time when he will not be able to do the things that he does now and lives his life to the fullest. He calls himself my "house mouse". The kitchen is off limits to me as far as the dishwasher goes and a few other things.
So be careful of what you ask for as you may get it but not when you expected it to happen. Oh once I had wished I had someone see me off to work like I did him. Now he sees me off to work each day. He even makes me a mug of coffee for the morning.
Just be happy that you two have this time in life to share and to bring you closer in your marriage and love and respect for each other. Remember it is not easy on either part but the results are beautiful when you work together and laugh together. Tomorrow is not promised so enjoy today to the fullest.
the other S.
PS Please stop and smell the roses.
Near-death experiences change people. My husband had a cousin that was self-centered, arrogant, unkind, and lazy. He felt the world owed him. He had a mini-stroke and his heart stopped beating. He's fine, no lasting damage. But he is a changed man. Considerate, hard working, kind and generous. The experience was the backhanded slap he needed to knock sense into him.
Stop questioning your good fortune and just enjoy it. Your husband is making up for the times he took you for granted. Instead of interrogating him, say Thank You, I Love You, I Appreciate You.
If this change bothers you and you can't quite put a finger on why, it may be because you're so used to the old dynamic of your relationship that you don't know how you fit in anymore. In an unequal relationship, one person often takes on the role of savior/martyr. First out of necessity, then it becomes part of who they are. It is very hard to stop doing, particularly when it has been going on for so long that you have a reputation for it with people outside your household.
You have to let go of how things used to be and move forward with today's reality. Your husband no longer needs you to be the savior. Be mindful of this, otherwise you run the risk of sabotaging your marriage.
Don't question it. Be thankful that he is alive. Be thankful that this is a positive change. It's possible that right now he feels that he has lost control of a lot of things. Being able to do something he can take control of is going to be good therapy for him. Don't make a big deal out of it. A simple thank you and I appreciate you doing that are enough. Going overboard with praise or questioning why he is suddenly doing it could send him spiraling the other direction. Who cares what the reason is behind his change of heart. It is a positive change and hopefully a change that will continue. People in situations like this can go in two different directions--total depression and shutting down or making a change and trying to be better and get better. Be glad it isn't the depression. It might be simple tasks like cleaning the grill that can make him feel like "yes, I can survive this and I don't have to give up."
Why on earth would you ask him why now and make him self conscious about the change? Then go so far as to not except his reason even if it doesn't ring true? Those are the quickest ways to make sure he goes back to his old self.
Just be happy.
I don't understand your amazement. The man almost lost his life, and now he appreciates that he was almost gone from this world. Now he is living his life, rather than being an idle bystander.
Be glad for the turnaround, and hope it sticks. Far better this than that he fell into a deep depression and became nothing but a burden on you and your kids.
Blessings to your family and here's to the best for his continued recovery and prosthetic fitting and use.
I don't know enough about the initial blood clotting disorder to speak with any confidence, but I wonder if his spaciness/haziness could have been an early symptom of that. And now, with the underlying disorder treated, that symptom too could have been addressed -- and you're getting the real (better!) him for the first time in a long time.
I'm also dealing with a spouse who's undergone a personality change, only much for the worse. I, too, suspect a medical origin. So your post is a source of hope for me, even though I don't expect a similar outcome. Thank you so much for sharing!
IMHO, there is nothing more eye-opening than almost dying. Yes, I think this medical issue woke him up and he is HAPPY to be alive. Things he saw before as mundane bring him joy. It's the joy of living.
You actually sound like you're not happy with the change. Quit trying to analyze it and just enjoy your hubby and the help!
When you come very close to meeting your maker, you change. Trust me. Been there. Accept this new man and make sure he knows how much you appreciate his help. Don't ask why!!!!
Never mind that he didn't complete things in the past. Never mind the how or why for the change in attitude. You have a choice ahead of you-
1. foster this spirit of responsibility, or
2. undermine it and restore your former dynamic.
Sometimes change, even for the better, can be hard to bear. Tread lightly.
Best,
F. B.
Medications that he is on?
See if he can stay on them forever..
ENJOY THIS. Really. Your man almost died, and now he's at home with nothing but time. He doesn't have work to distract him. He's bored and needs to feel useful, so he's going to do what he can to feel like he's actually doing something.
Embrace this and don't second-guess it.
Seeing the end of your life coming at you can change you. You look at everything differently. Your priorities can turn upside-down. I've seen this in so many people. Some others are suspicious of the change, but it's a real change.
Don't resent the present or the past. Encourage your guy, don't be a discourager. You may have to do some changing, too, but that's all right. You'll be just as valuable as you have always been - perhaps in a different way.
Amazing things happen when people come face to face with death. He clearly has "seen the light" and is probably appreciating life more and willing to make the most of it. Who cares what is causing it?! Just keep encouraging him and doing what you have been. Good luck.
He nearly died, he lost his leg, and you're wondering?...Are you upset, in shock, confused, or not processing how the stress of this situation affected you?
If you are UPSET with him for pulling himself together after nearly dying and loosing his leg, you really need to talk to a counselor because this reaction is very disconnected to the situation. Please take care of you. I think the stress may have knocked you around more than you think.
I agree that antidepressants could make that kind of change for men. I would think he might be on them with the trauma of losing a leg.
Get the book, unmasking male depression.
Otherwise, some people need a challenge in life to overcome. They rise to the occasion. They will also fall to your expectations or discouragement, so keep on the bright side! Change your attitude with his.
Near death puts things in perspective. He subconciously knows he owes you & since he can't do too much, little things like this send a big message.
While your apparent suspicion of this newfound activity and initiative is understandable, please try to meet it with lots of praise and thanks for him rather than with a tone of "Well, why couldn't you have been this way before?" Because to be honest -- that is how the post comes across.
My first thought is that he sounds as if he might have been clinically depressed before, but never diagnosed or treated. Did he get any form of counseling or therapy during the hospital stay or physical rehab? Was any kind of counseling provided to him to help him cope mentally and emotionally, not just physically, with the loss of a leg? If not-- please get him some form of counseling or therapy that is ongoing for a while, because nearly dying and losing a limb might have made him more active and grateful (wonderful) but also he might be having adjustment issues that you can't see.
And while it's great if he does now pitch in, and even better if it becomes the way things are on a daily basis, do not be shocked (and please don't be angry and bitter) if he suddenly stops doing helpful things and reverts to the inactivity and lack of any initiative that you describe from the time before his illness. His mind may be veering around like crazy, bouncing among a lot of thoughts and feelings that are new to him and disturbing to him: "I want to be a better guy and do more to help out....If I am not a better guy and I don't help out the family won't want me any more....I am not the person I used to be, I am incomplete, I am a burden...." Or even another direction: "I am going to be perfect now! Nothing can stop me!"
All those are extremes and if that's going on (and he's not necessarily going to share it with you), he is going to crash out eventually, emotionally.
It sounds as if both you and he could benefit a lot from some couples counseling, to deal with his illness; his loss of the leg and its affect on his ego and how he sees himself; to deal with your own deep resentment that seems to have been there long before he was sick -- it's pretty clear to anyone who reads the post that you were already resenting having to keep house, prod him on health issues, handle things you felt should have been his responsibility and more.....that is not all going to change now that he is recovering and (at least for now) seeming to do more. Please think hard about getting counseling togther or separately, but it sounds like there were issues in your marriage long before his illness, and his illness and new attitude are not going to magically make those issues and resentments go away.
Oh heavens. Just be happy for this. Give him jobs to do and expect them to be done. Stop with the baloney stuff and be glad that you didn't bury him.
Caregivers who go through hell and back go through changes in personality, too. You sound absolutely done with this man with the baloney comment.
Yes, this was his wake-up call. Enjoy!!!!
What's your problem? Are you out of love with him?
The changes that happen to people when they are that sick are enormous. During open heart surgery a person is basically dead, they come back from that a changed person and it's usually not for good.
I think I'd be sure and mention this to the doc. It could be a sign of increased blood flow to the brain, it could be many things that may or may not have significant meaning.
Is he taking antidepressants? My husband had all of the same behaviors as your husband did and we were able to link it to depression. Once he started the antidepressant he all of a sudden started helping out and became much less forgetful. I can always tell when he's not taking his meds because he doesn't remember to do simple things like pushing his chair in at the table, wiping crumbs off the counter after making toast, etc. Of course it could be that your husband had a huge wake up call after his illness like others have mentioned but if he's taking psych meds I'd encourage him to stay on them.
