I wish the man I married was more of a husband and a father to our children. Before meeting my husband I was a single Mom. Now two years into our marriage and another child later I feel like a single Mom all over again. Don't get me wrong I love my husband but sadly, for quite sometime I don't like him very much. Before we got pregnant with our daughter, who is 10.5 months old I had to go through extensive medical tests, procedures and stress. My pregnancy and delivery with my son (my first child) was extremely difficult and I was told to expect an even tougher pregnancy if I was able to get pregnant again. So, after lots of discussion my husband and I decided to try for a baby. When I got pregnant I was really happy and scared at the same time. I was in and out of the hospital a lot and received the most support from my immediate family and friends, but not my husband. As I was told my pregnancy was extremely difficult and I almost died after delivering my daughter. I was also told no more babies for me, too risky for myself and the baby. This is when I really began to notice my husband being selfish and not understanding (even mroe so then when I waas pregnant). While receiving my 3rd blood transfusion and discussing surgery with an ob/gyn my husband decides to ask when we're having the next one. The surgeon was dunbfounded. He asked my husband if it was made clear to him that I could not/ absolutely should not get pregnant again. This was not the last time he brought up more babies. After coming home from the hospital I was diagnosed with major post partum depression and put on quite a bit of Zoloft. I also still see a psychologist every other week and take medication. My husband keeps asking why there is "something wrong with me?" He also doesnt understand why I had to have my tubes tied aand exploratoy surgery on my uterus and other reproductive organs. During my surgery he was out fishing and I am having another surgery (due to more issues from giving birth) in July and he is going camping with his best friend a coupe days afterwards. I've tried to talk to him about his selfishness and his lack of understanding, concern and care for us but he tells me that nothing is wrong. I've even mentioned couples therapy and he says, "why, we don't have problems." I don't want to divorce him or leave him but I feel like I am at my wits end. This is not the only issues we have either. My son is autistic, has ADHD and epilepsy and my husband won't even attempt to understand his situation he has only made it to one appt and he showed up during the last 5 mins and says my song is just a brat, the other stuff is just my excuse. Before I pull my hair out which used to be light brown and has acquired a of gray lately, any suggestions? Ideas? Anything would be appreciated!
I was married to a man just like this. Self-absorbed, narcissistic SOB.
I divorced him. And after I did...I wished I'd done it sooner.
I think the bird needs to fly south for the summer while the bear needs to goget a mani-pedi and marry her sister wife...... Xoxoxoxo. Love you mama Boyle! Now let's go get some frappuccinos!!!!
Ouch. That sounds terrible. You need your husband to be there despearately for you, and he is not.
The only thing that I can say in his defense - When you are first married, you think that your partner should be totally in to you, and you totally in to him. He gets married thinking "newlywed! my wife will dote on me! I will get home cooked meals and wild sex!" Instead, its been illness and hospital and stress and worry. He may feel neglected.
Childish on his part? Yes. Its HIS turn to be there for you.
My only two suggestions - do your best to look for what he IS doing right, and appreciate and praise him for that. If you can think of anything special to do for him (without throwing up in your mouth a little) do it.
AND keep working on him to get into therapy.
I'm sorry. He sounds like a jackass and I am sorry that he has not been there for you as he should be.
Red flags:
He says your son is a brat. YOUR son. He hasn't accepted your child as his child too.
He cares so little about the health and life of his own baby that he pays no attention to your health during a difficult pregnancy.
He cares so little about your children and you that he dismisses major depression and surgeries as...no big deal.
He does not believe anything doctors tell him about your medical issues, so of course he is either a genius doctor who knows more than they do or he's a fool.
He says that your son's documented, diagnosed medical issues are "just your excuse" for brattiness.
He is mostly absent -- mentally if not physically -- during his wife's surgeries.
He refuses therapy on grounds that There Is No Problem Here.
He does not support you in any way, as a woman, a wife, a mother.
When it's laid out like that, does it help show that he is unfit to be a husband and unfit to be a father? He is a boy, not a man. And he is profoundly, profoundly selfish.
I am not usually a fan of ultimatums, but it sounds like one is needed here before you wake up in 10 years to find you no longer love him and resent his wasting your life for you.
Talk to you psychologist and ask for the name of a good couples counselor. Make the appointment. Tell him that he goes and continues to go or you're done. Also give him a list of every single appointment your son has for his multiple conditions and tell him which ones you expect him to attend. Same with your own medical appointments.Then tell him why his being gone immediately after you have surgery next month (again, who looks after the kids?!) is a problem, even if he doesn't see the problem.
Truly, talk hard with the psychologist about this. This is not a marriage at all. You say you don't want to divorce him or leave but what is there to stay for if he doesn't even stick around to watch the kids when you are recovering from surgery?!
Sometimes divorce IS the answer and is the best thing for all parties. He is not a husband and your partner. If he won't take the steps to be one, then make it official and get your kids out of this situation. Unless you want your son to learn how to be a man from him and your daughter to learn how a man treats a woman from him you will have to leave if he won't change.
My heart breaks for you. I can only imagine how tough this is for you. I know a bunch of mama's are jumping on the "selfish jerk" bandwagon. And yes, his actions are extremely selfish and I don't doubt you feel abandoned. Is it possible he is terrified and coping by avoiding the issue? Maybe he is just in complete denial? Instead of facing the issues, he is running the other way. He places blame on you...."why is something wrong" and "your son is a brat". Not that this excuses his behavior in any shape, manner or form!
I don't have any real advice to give. I understand not wanting to abandon the marriage and run for a divorce. The thing to keep in mind is marriage is a two way street. You can't do it all...care for the kids, yourself, your husband and the marriage without his help and support. It's going to be a tough future if he remains so checked out of the family.
It's time to sit down and make him hear you. He doesn't have to agree with you, but he needs to listen and work with you. If all these changes are still new events, I'd give him some time to cope. His coping strategies stink, but hopefully he'll come around. And if he continues to bury his head in the sand, it will be time for you to make some tough decisions. Take care mama!
To me, it sounds like there are a TON of issues going on (with your son and yourself) and your husband does not have the necessary tools to cope with all of them?
I agree with Grandma T. that he might not signed up for all these issues and is having second thoughts?
I agree that he SHOULD be better at helping you deal with all these issues but obviously that is not something he can do or wants to do? Either way, you need to do what is best for you and your children.
~My husband would NEVER EVER go fishing or on a trip while or directly after I had surgery...it just would not be something he would feel comfortable doing....AT ALL!
Can you list any good qualities about him? If not, I think you have your answer. Counseling might work, but he doesn't seem like the type that would go. Sorry.
I'm sorry, but to put it bluntly, he sounds like an idiot -and a selfish one at that. Tell him (don't ask -he obviously cannot understand the subtlety of a question) that you can go to couples' therapy or divorce. Make it crystal clear that you cannot have more children and tell him it would be stupid to have one if you could, because he obviously isn't going to do anything with the children. TELL him how things are going to change and if he can't get on board -would you really miss him?
Sounds like he didnt sign up for all the issues you've experienced and is having second thoughts.
If your partner makes you sad... you probably shouldnt be with him.
It doesnt sound like he was really mature enough to realize what "I DO" really means.
Just my guess.
When you are at your next counseling session, take what you have written here and share it with your counselor.
I do not mean this to sound mean, just wondering.. Is your husband a lot younger than you? Did he graduate from High school or attend college?
What is his mom and dads relationship like?
He just sounds so clueless and almost as though her has no empathy.. I wonder if he just needs to be educated about what exactly a husband and father are supposed to be doing.. Or what most fathers enjoy doing with their families.
My husband works all week and looks forward to spending time with us. Even in the evenings when he comes home, he says "Man I have missed you guys today!" We welcome him home and get his some iced water or tea.. We ask him about his day.. he asks us what did he miss by being at work.
But, we also were married for 10 years before we had a child.. We got all of this stuff out of our symptoms and I started preparing him for what it would be like to have a child.
It is almost as if you need to start over with him and get him on board with this marriage and this family.
You have a young marriage with a whole bunch of things that have happened and a blended family. Your guy is not coping! As you know of course. I am with another mama that suggested counseling for you. He sounds like the 'if I just act like there isn't a problem it will just disappear' type. That is hard bc you need him to see reality and he doesn't want to. You can't make a person deal if they don't want to. Maybe just tell him something along the lines of 'Ok, then, I am going to counseling bc I am dealing with complications of surgeries, the reality of not having more children, a very hard time talking to you and severe hormonally induced depression, you can just look after the kids, cya!' Hopefully with time he will come around, but take care of yourself, you will feel better and your home will be a happier place. When he is ready to deal, you will be there :) Hang in there!!!!!
When he responds with "we don't have problems" you should tell hm "you may not feel that we have problems but I feel that we do". Better yet, sit him down when the kids are asleep or elsewhere and explain that you don't need him to agree wit hyou but you need him to hear and understand how you feel and help you fix it. Tell him you feel like a single mother most of the time and feel that he still acts like a single man as far as responsibilities at home. Tell him that you need him to go to counseling. If you don't think you can talk you way through it all, write him a letter (i suggest you type it, reread later, revise, make sure you get the points across clearly).
You are not a single mom. What you are is a woman married to a selfish jerk.
And you love this guy? Doesn't seems like he loves, respects, or cares about you and your children very much. So why would you not ask him to leave? You need some help and your are not getting it from him.
You know what they say, when a Spouse A has a problem with Spouse B's drinking, then Spouse B has a drinking problem. Even if Spouse B says he/she does not.
Same thing applies to marital problems.
Why would he have a problem?
You do it all, bear the brunt, and assume all responsibility. I'll bet he's happy as a clam! If he won't go to counseling--go yourself.
It might be a lot like Alanon--in that you need to stop enabling him to live like he's a bachelor. Because he's not.
All the best!
wow I want to punch him for you=( sounds like he wants a family without being actually in it. I would tell him you're unhappy and need him to go to a therapist with you. If he wont consider that then I'd reevalute how I want to spend the next 10 years
I have been in your shoes. Except that if I needed surgery, I am pretty sure my husband would be there although I could see him going back to work the next day. I have a special needs child and I know my husband wants to do boy things like kayaking, biking and my son isn't in to it. my son gets into it eventually but just not when a typical child would. I've told him this over and over again. Maybe your husband doesn't know what to do. He sounds like a turd to me. It took me 7 years to realize that I prefer my husband be gone. My son and I get along much better and do fun stuff. When my husband gets into hobbies, he gets obsessed and forgets about the people around him.
Make a day just for you every week. No cooking, cleaning or kid watching. i hang out with friends every Friday night for games and snacks or sometimes dinner. Start a weekly girlfriends night and YOU don't have to watch the kids. Let your friends bring kids if they need to. OH and get out out once a month and make the husband watch the kids.
The guy really doesn't seem to have a clue. This seems like an occasion for a counselor.
From what you've written, it sounds like it's a burden to be married to him. Your spouse should be easing your burdens, not adding to them. You've tried talking to him, asked him to go to counseling, and he's shot you down every time.
I need to ask ... what do you love about him? You say you don't want to divorce him or leave him ... why is that? Not being critical, but I think these are important questions to ask yourself. Again, no judgement - I just don't understand loving someone you don't like (excluding one's own kids LOL).
I'm sorry you are having problems.
I read your profile and I can't tell exactly how any kids you have or how old they are.
I get the impression that your husband is in shock at the turn of events that won't allow him to have more children of his own. He is in denial about your child with diabilities. He can't seen himself playing catch or other "manly" games with him. It will be difficult for him to abondon his dreams of a big family. His asking about having more kids is an indication of that even though you have mentioned not being able to have more kids. Hope springs eternal.
What can you do? Ask the doctor to suggest someone that can talk to your husband and explain why you can't have any more kids, but that you can adopt.
Good luck to you and yours.
Wow, he sounds very narcissistic...did you notice extreme selfishness in him before you guys got married? I think if I were you I would print out this question and all the answers and give it to him. This will be a huge wake up call for him...and then I would tell him that it's time to start marriage counseling. Tell everything you told us to the therapist. It's just so wrong that he would leave you to go fishing when you have had a surgery and he needs to be educated about how awful and hard depression is. He also needs to be educated about autism and ADHD. This is the time in your marriage that he needs to step up to the plate and do more...be there for you, help take care of the kids, shower you with love and concern. I have my fingers crossed for you. You make me feel extremely thankful I have such a wonderful husband.
I'm with the group that thinks he is avoiding unpleasant things in life. A lot of men are this way. It doesn't make your life any easier, but maybe you can find a way to wake him up to see reality.
What kind of relationship do you have with his parents? If a good one, it might be helpful for you to share your feelings with his Mom. I wouldn't do it with an accusatory attitude toward her son, but an attitide of "I'm concerned about him because.. " You might get some real insight by doing this.
Can you arrange for your doctor to sit down with the both of you and just give him the hard, cruel facts of your situation?
How you can deal with his attitude toward your son is actually of greatest concern to me. As someone else said, he hasn't accepted him as his son as well. That is something I wish you had established before marrying this guy, but hopefully you can find some way to help them bond even yet. Do accentuate the positives about your son as much as possible. I don't mean that you should keep on pointing those out to your husband, but just keep on recognizing them in subtle ways so that he might begin to see them.
I hope that you can find a way to work this out and help your husband become the kind of man you need him to be. It won't be easy, but if it works it will be worth it. If not, sadly, it might require you to give up on the marriage and be a single mom to two. One of the problems I always see with that is that you never will really be free of the husband because he most likely will get child visitation or partial custody and what I've observed with that is that there tend to be issues continually that have to have an effect on not only the parents, but the child as well (and it would also affect your son). Those are questions you need to weigh before making any decision to divorce.
