Me and my husband were mass emailed the final diagnosis for a friends' toddler child. It was their worst case scenario and as it turns out, is a particularly bad case of the disorder. The life expectancy is 2 weeks to 20 years and the dr. not sure why he is even doing as good as he is given his rare and severe case of mitochondrial disease. In essence, his cells are missing vital information, that affects every organ in his body. Symptoms are myriad the arriving at a diagnosis was a long hard road. We have been on a long journey of prayer and concern over him for over two years. Now their worst fears confirmed. I've always been able to think of what to say, offer encouragement, prayers, support, meals. But this time I'm stumped. I want to reply but don't know what to say. We see them in busy social church settings, so in person is not always the right time to bring it up. Help me with words. I should say something to them.
My husband wrote a heart felt private reply to the email. He focused more on our prayers for them that God will see them throughout it and that their faith won't fail rather than miracles and healing. then we saw them the next day. I just hugged and said I was so sorry to hear the news. Husband had a chance to talk with the dad that they are not planning a funeral yet and to just take every day as a gift.
it's not so much what you say, but the space you allow them to speak-or not- as they need. you can't offer them wisdom, or advice, or comfort. you CAN be a loving, positive, neutral sounding board without judgement or blathering.
a warm smile, a hug if appropriate, a quiet 'i'm so sorry to hear the news' and then leave the door open.
what a terrible thing.
:( khairete
S.
Send a letter. Say that you are praying for them and want to help in other ways, but aren't sure what they would need/like and when.
I am so sorry for your friend's family. It must be absolutely horrible for them. You are a good friend for wanting to help.
Since you were emailed the news, start by replying via email - directly to them only, not to the whole group. Just express your sympathy and say that you know it must be a very hard time for them. Continue offering prayer if it has comforted them in the past. Don't mention that it is God's plan, or that they will get through it, etc. Just express sympathy.
Offering to bring a meal is still a huge help. Be specific - "I'd love to bring you a meal next week. Is Wednesday or Thursday better for you?" Or whatever choice of days is best for you, of course. Don't leave it open ended, as they will be overwhelmed with offers to help and probably can't reply to them all.
Remember that they could be dealing with this for 20 years. Don't forget about them a year from now, or five years from now. Stay in their lives as someone they can count on to help when needed. Times when their son is particularly sick will be when they need the most help, but also when it might be hardest for them to ask or recognize their needs. So continue to offer over time.
If they have other children, offer to be an emergency on-call babysitter. Let them know they can call at 3 a.m. if they have to take their son to the hospital and that you will head straight over to watch their other kids. Offer to have a regular day each week that you watch the other kid - or the sick one if you are capable of meeting his needs - so she can have a little break.
I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope that, however long he lives, their lives are happy.
You can send a note. Tell them your family loves them and prays for them. Tell them their child matters to you and your church.
Tell them a time you are usually free to help if they need something or just a ear to listen.
When you see the mom at church, just squeeze her arm or give her a hug. You don't have to say anything.
Just BE with them. Some people are exhausting when they offer sympathy, because you end up having to comfort them, instead of the other way around. Just offer your company, and remember they have to go on living, so talking about regular-life stuff is OK too.
This is the time to not shy away. They do not have time for hemming and hawing. Be straight forward.
"I am keeping you all in my thoughts at all times and praying for all of you."
"I know this sounds selfish of me, but I really want to help you. I know you are focusing on your child, so here is a list of things I can do to help all of you."
Then make a list. These are just suggestions.even just if she needs someone to talk to.
Holding a group prayer devoted to this child and the family.
If they are having relatives come down to see the child, offer to pick them up at the airport, drive them to and from the hospital, get their home set up for houseguest.
Laundry once a week.
Driving their other children to and from school. Or taking them to lessons, their practices...
Picking up groceries.
Making one meal a week and dropping it off at the hospital. it can be breakfast, lunch, or dinner.
Always give them good long hugs. No words are needed at this time, they just need to know that you understand and can help.
You sound like a good friend. Sometimes we just need to put our own fears aside and just speak from our hearts. No time to waste.
I believe that in most situations, when you speak from the heart, it's always appreciated... Tell them that although you may not completely fathom how they feel, you know that this type of news must truly be heartbreaking. Let them know that regardless of doctor's predictions, you are nonetheless going to think positive for their child and the family. Tell them you care and let them know that they needn't walk this path alone, that as a friend, you want to be there...
often people will say, let me know if we can do anything.. DONT wait for the person to ask (they may be too heartbroken and consumed with sadness) to reach out to you.. reach out to them.. send them a card of encouragement.... make a meal and drop it off...
I had a friend whose niece died and for a year, I sent a card of encouragement every month and then on the one year anniversary of the childs death, I bought a mass (they are very religious people)....
when the dust all settles.. sometimes people forget that grief doesn't pass once a child is gone or been diagnosed...
definitely reach out and say something.. even if I share in your sadness.. I am here for you..
blessings..
I don't think I'd plan anything. Continue to do what you've been doing. See what comes to you when you call or see them (whichever comes first). Being genuinely empathetic is better than being robotically planned out when it comes to matters that are close to someones heart.
Such a mixture of news - the tragic confirmation of his disease, & the acknowledgement that he is doing so well, despite. It sounds like you & other friends/family/members of their congregation have been praying.
I would acknowledge that, & let them know that you will continue to do so, in order that their son may have as long and healthy outlook as possible, in spite of the news they have just received.
Put your thoughts down in a card, that you can give them @ service the next time you see them, as they may be (understandably) swamped with people wanting to talk to them & express concern & wellwishes.
Then, the next time you see them, extend an offer to get together. One of the hardest things families deal with when receiving news like this is that friends don't know what to do/say, and so they just don't, leaving the family feeling left out.
Don't make it vague & open-ended, where they need to initiate, instead suggest an event & a date:
"we'd love to get together with you guys soon... how about lunch after service next week?"
I'm sure prayer tonight will help you find the right words to express your concern & support. T.
Sometimes less is more. Tell they you are so very sorry to hear that and you are there if they need anything.
Please don't try going on about how "God has a plan" and their precious child being very sick and dying is a part of it. Even the most religious people do not want to hear that when it is their child.
http://princessleahdiaries.blogspot.com/
This was the daughter of some friends in a group we're involved in. She recently died from a rare form of mitochondrial disease that was named after her. It might help you.
I am so sorry for your friends and their child. It is not easy to deal with.
Caseyirv says it perfectly. Act as you always have, since sometimes people shy away from difficult social situations when these parents really need friends right now. Be a good listener when they need it, or take over tasks that you see they need help with. Maybe offer to baby sit for the child and let them go do something normal, like see a movie. Life cannot be all about the diagnosis, some normal interactions are needed. They will likely go through all the stages of grief for a while, but be there without judgement now and when they come out the other end with acceptance. Your church will likely know a grief counselor that can help as well. But acknowledge the email with a return email from the heart, and acknowledge the news again the first time you see them in person, if nothing else with holding they handshake a little longer than usual and saying you are sorry to read their email with the diagnosis. Then let their actions guide you, since they may not be ready to talk or they may need to grieve or rage for hours.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grie...
your response was perfect because there are no words really
