.Still Birth/What Do You Say?

my MIL said the sweetest, kindest remark after my miscarriage, "we now have one in Heaven"....& then gave me the longest hug. It's been 20+ years....& I still carry that memory with me. :)

You say, "I'm so sorry." And you offer to help (and do it if she asks for something), even if you live in another place. And... you contact her every month or so just to say, "I'm thinking about you - how're you doing?" One of the hardest parts of dealing with a death is later, when everyone else has gone back to their own lives and a person can feel forgotten.

I was set to adopt a newborn baby girl we had named Georgia Paige last summer. We were on our way to the hospital when we received a call that the baby was being born dead. It was one of the most horrible and traumatic things I have been through. Each story is different, but I will share one thing that helped me daily. One of my daughter's aunts said to me "Georgia is the perfect baby. She never knew sin, she never knew anger or sadness or disapointment. All she ever knew was comfort and love."

What NOT to do:
1) Do not say "Well, God had a plan." or "Everything happens for a reason." Yes, he did, and maybe it does. But that is not what you want or need to hear in that moment.
2) Do not say "Maybe the baby would have been born with all sorts of problems". I don't care. My baby is DEAD.
3) Do not pretend nothing happened. Your cousin had a child. She is still a mother.
4) Do not say you know how she feels because you had a miscarriage. I never had a miscarriage. I don't know what that pain is like. I lost a baby I was going to adopt, but I never gave birth to a child myself. No one understands unless they have gone through the same thing. Pain is pain, but it's different.

What TO do:
1) Tell her you love her and are there for her. Send her cards, emails, flowers, whatever you are comfortable with.
2) Acknowledge the loss. She is still a mom, only now she is the mom of a beautiful perfect baby in heaven. It's hard.
3) Do something to memorialize the baby. I had one friend make a donation to the March of Dimes in my baby's name. Someone else gave me a beautiful angel to remind me that my baby will always be watching over me. Those things meant so much.
4) Contact NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP. Do it immediately. They will go to the hospital and take pictures (very, very beautiful and tasteful pictures) for free. These people are amazing angels. When you lose someone you love, you have memories of them. You have pictures and videos you can look back on. When a baby is stillborn, you have nothing. It took me MONTHS to be able to look at pictures of my sweet baby, but I am SO glad that I have them. You can find them on their website and also on facebook. I cannot say enough about this organization.

Peace to you and your family.

I always call and tell them I will be the "call me in the middle of the night" girl. Cuz, in my experience, that's when all the bad stuff is the worst.
I can't bring a casserole or whatever, but I certainly can wake up and talk if she feels alone or whatever in the middle of the night.

One other thing...... a friend of mine offered to take back all the "stuff" so her friend didn't have to do it. This was for a late miscarriage, but they had several thousand dollars worth of "stuff" - crib, diapers etc. all with receipts. But they didn't want to return it, so they asked my friend to do it.
I can't imagine......

Call her, offer support. Don't try to say too much. There are no words for this.

How close are you to them? If not very, find out from somebody close what they want in the way of attention right now. Based on my personality and my response to grief, I would likely want to be left alone. I especially wouldn't want to deal with people who aren't close to me. Anybody wanting to talk about it would need to be redirected to someone who doesn't mind hearing the words aloud. When I'm grieving, the words hurt sooooo much. Because the phone is all about talking, I keep it far away from me.

If you have the option to go and see them--if they're taking visitors--that would be best. Look them in the eye and give them a hug (not too long), and say next to nothing. There are no comforting words, and listening to someone search for them is awful. If you can't see them, write to them. Send them a sweet card that wishes them peace. Again, don't try to say anything about "God has a plan" or anything that tries to make sense of it. It makes no sense, so trying to find rhyme and reason is annoying. Let them reconcile it in their time; dont' try to push them to it by offering up these "words of encouragement". Avoid these cards. Feel comfortable saying something like, "I have no words, but my heart hurts for you." Ask them what you can do for them, how you can provide any relief whatsoever. Tell them that you'll take your cues from them. Then, back off and give them space. If you don't hear from them, give them a call in a couple of weeks--"Hey, it's me, just reaching out to see how you guys are faring. Let me know if anything comes up that I can do for you." If you don't hear from them, give them another two to three weeks before calling again...same kind of message. Don't be pushy, but make sure that they know that you are available. (Are you available??)

As everyone said, definitely call asap. She needs tons of support right now. You just say 'I am so sorry' and let her do the rest. If she is not wanting to talk you will know that and you just tell her that you are here when she needs you. I am so sorry for her loss...

It really depends on the relationship you two have. If you're not close, call later and send a card. If you're close then I think you know what to do. If it's somewhere inbetween then maybe wait a few days or so and make a brief call with heartfelt condolenses. Just be yourself. Think on this and you'll know what to say for her and to her. Words can never really convey such a heartbreaking thing, all you can do is try. Are they having a funeral, some people do? Most people that do, keep it very closed/close family only.

This is tough I know. You just have to let yourself be guided as to what, when and how, let your own spirit guide you. Everyone is different with these things. I've officiated at funerals for the very young and it's the hardest, so very hard.

Keep her in your prayers. God Bless you.

I had 3 miscarriages in less than a year, with procedures and painful tests in the middle once it was realized things were wonky for me. The calls were a bit awkward, but I was still glad to have them. My hubby fielded many of them initially. I preferred short calls so I didn't feel like I was offering THEM sympathy...like I said, awkward. That "empty arms" thing is hard for all parties.

The cards meant more to me as I could re read them and ponder them (I was on pain meds and depressed a bit so a goofy for a while...grieving) and feel the love and support that way. Written word is important to me, so that was part of it too. I also received a few small and cheerful and tasteful flower arrangements. Looking back they REALLY cheered me up. They were something happy and fragrant for me to focus on and sort of take care of temporarily. Odd, but true.

Good luck to you and your cousins family. Time does help, but they likely won't feel the benefit of that for a bit.

Call and tell her you're sorry for her loss. Don't ask what happened or how she's feeling.Then ask what you can do to help, and if she says nothing, tell her you'd like to bring dinner over on a particular date (or something else that you would like to do). And send a sympathy card in case she's creating a scrap book or anything.

Call her, just tell her you are sorry and that you are willing to help her in any way. Keep it brief and sincere.

She is grieving, but needs the support now, so don't wait to long to make contact. At least send her a card and/or flowers and a heart felt letter now, then maybe wait a few days to call, depending on how close you are

I would definitely reach out to her. Just be honest. Tell her you don't know what to say because you know there are know words that will offer her true comfort right now. Just let her know (only if you are truly willing) that you are available for whatever she needs and that you are praying for her (if you are a praying woman.)

For me the calls helped. They had annoyed me for about a week. But after that I realized that they actually helped me. If it has been about a week call her and just tell her if she needs someone to talk to you are there. We are all different, you know her, it is best to use your judgement

A girl from when I grew p J. posted on FB how this J. happened to her. She keeps updating that all of the love for her daughter really helps. Maybe call and ask about helping make plans for the funeral. Give a hug and flowers?

Please call her right away.
It might be awkward.
Tell her you're sorry.
Ask if there is anything she needs or would like you to do for her.
Let her know you're thinking about them.

So sad. :(

Having twin daughters stillborn i will say, send a card or call to offer your condolences now, extend the offer of "Anything you need, please call" but don't be surprised when they don't take you up on it. Be there for them as much as you have been up to now, wait for their cues to talk, and then don't, there's nothing you can say to them that will help. Just listen, be there for support, and give them all the time in the world to grieve, their hopes are dreams for their child are gone.

I would make a very short phone call just to say you are sorry for the loss and that the baby will always be in her heart and will sit on her shoulder - she is her angel.

I would then offer to:

1. Bring a meal;
2. Pick up laundry and return clean;
3. Grocery shop;
4. Run any other errands that need to be done;
5. Come and just sit with her if she feels she needs the support/comfort/companionship

Anything else you can think of. Don't ask what happened or expect her to talk about it. Just be there for her.

There's a lot of good information at http://www.handonline.org/. This is the website Nursing Mothers Counsel uses (as breastfeeding counselors) if/when we have a mom who suffers the loss of a child.

I just can't imagine; how sad. She may not want to talk for some time. I would send her a note, and indicate you'll call her in a few weeks to check in with her, and in the mean time to let you know if she needs anything.

Yes, call. If she doesn't answer leave a brief message. Even if you just say "I'm thinking about you". If you live close, do something for her, e.g., bring them a meal. When I had a miscarriage, a friend of mine left a potted flower on my door step. The gesture was appreciated along with not having to talk about the loss. Sorry to hear the sad news.