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Stay out of it. You need to talk to your husband, and he needs to deal with his mother. Getting into the mix will just bring you heartache in the future. Talk to your husband about how the two of you want to handle Elijah and his mother, and then let him communicate and enforce it. Good luck.

You need to talk to your husband about this and have him talk to his mother. You should not be in the middle of that relationship, but he has to support your rules as mother. Talk with him.

Hi D.,
I love this website too :0)
I think you have to pick your battles and see what is "really" important.
Grandma have been around (my guess) for longer and she also may feel a little intimidated of you.
Perhaps a better move (maybe no the easiest) is to win your mother in law, and show her that you have the best intentions for your SS.
Be careful to don't put Elijahs in the middle of all this.
Keep communication open with your husband.

Is Elijah a step child, or your husband?

if you are there to oversee, great! But if you are not there you cannot monitor and best let it go.

If I understand correctly, Elijah is your husband's son from a previous relationship, and you are the stepmom?

It sounds like Elijah hasn't had much discipline, but it's hard to tell whether it's that or just his age (toddlers often test their autonomy by spitting, hitting, etc.). Older children should be expected to behave more appropriately, but young toddlers do need to be taught proper behavior, too.

I would guess that your mother-in-law is feeling a bit jealous at this point. She's not only been Elijah's alternate caregiver, but she's not had to share her son with another woman, either. You didn't say what happened to Elijah's mother, so I can't comment on whether she was a thorn in his mother's side, as well.

It sounds like your mom-in-law has declared "war" on you! She's vying for the queen bee position, and unfortunately for you, your husband will have a great deal to say in this matter. I suggest you talk to him and if he's a strong man, he'll support you and let his mother know that unless she can work as a partner with the two of you in teaching Elijah proper manners and behavior, Elijah's visits to her home may be curtailed or stop entirely -at least, for awhile.

In fact, it might be a good idea to do just that. If you have recently married, then Elijah needs to get used to having a stepmother. He needs to bond with you as a primary caregiver, and Grandma needs to relinquish that role. It probably won't be easy for any of you.

If your husband is a weak man, he won't want to say anything to his mother, and he won't support you. In that case, you've got more problems than just his mother.... Ideally, this should have been discussed before you married into this family, but many people don't think of these things beforehand.

In my opinion, if Grandma can't or won't get with your program of discipline and instruction, then I'd say that Elijah doesn't go to Grandma's house for awhile, until you're sure his bad behavior has stopped. Then, resume visits when you can accompany him. If Elijah starts with the bad behavior, you cut the visit short, scoop Elijah up and take him home. Period. If Grandma starts with her "my house, my rules", ditto. You take Elijah and leave.

Might be best if hubby isn't with you, unless he can support you on this. As I said, it all depends on how strong or weak this guy is as far as standing up to his mother and wanting to raise his son to be a decent and respectful young man. Because if you don't do it now, it sure won't happen when the kid is older. You have to train kids when they're young.

Good luck!

Ask your hubby to help you sit down with her and explain why you want these rules. Also give her the opportunity to express why she does not want these rules. You also must realize that most grandparents love to spoil the grandkids and are not going to change. You can attempt to let her know that you value her and her value all that she has done for Elijah before you came into the picture. She may be feeling a loss because she was such a big part of his life before. Make sure that you let her know that you appreciate all the sacrifice she has made for Elijah so far.

if this is a step child then you really dont have much say. sorry. try to get dad on the same page as you and him him talk to his mom and tell her if the rules arnt followed there he cant visit with out you all

I see that Elijah is your 5yo stepson. I hope you won't make him a pawn in a power struggle with your mother-in-law. It would be a shame for him to have to lose the first female nurturer in his life, aka his grandmother, because you expect him to follow different rules.

I expect your rules themselves are fine, positive and admirable. The rules are not the problem. Many families deal with these boundary issues by maintaining a "my house, my rules" understanding. Kids can and do learn what is allowable in each home. If it's handled as more or less "normal" (and your dilemma is common), your step-son should be able to adapt to the new reality without losing an important part of his emotional life.

I hope you'll find out what Elijah wants. If he's relieved and grateful to have his grandmother out of his life, then you can reasonably follow your present plan. But that's probably not the case, so give him a chance to learn to differentiate between your rules and hers. It will probably take some practice (you don't say how long you've been his step-mom, but it sounds recent). If he loves his grandmother, you risk putting him in a painful position. This, in turn, could result in resentment and acting out toward you.

tell your husband, her son, to tell her that rules ALWAYS apply with YOUR son! Period. If he will not take care of it then the child will not be going to her house, she can come visit him at your house.

Have you told your mil what your rule is? If you have and she ignores it, that's a problem, if you have not, how can you expect her to change her behavior?