Advice on Mother in Law's Visit

I would say when you start catching her up on her grandson, just casually work in his routine. Something like - He is sleeping wonderfully. He does not get up until after 8. Sometimes we here him rustling around at 6 ish, but within a few minutes he goes right back to sleep, so I NEVER get up and get him. Just mentioned that you realize he really needs that extra sleep in the morning and it has been working wonderfully for you guys.
Hopefully, she will get the hint.

Don't do it. She's just trying to spend more time with your baby. It's only temporary and she only has a little time to build those bonds with him. You would hate to cause any hurt feelings and it's just not worth it to risk hurting her. Don't say anything, just let enjoy her time with him!

Yes have him do it, since it is his mom, and yes be very specific about how important your baby's schedule is, and how he needs that extra sleep as do the two of you! If she gets him up anyway I would not be so nice in insisting that she refrain from it in the future. if she still does it then it is time to ask her to stay in a hotel and enjoy a visit with her grandson between the hours of 9am and noon? I'm sure she is trying to be helpful , but a part of her also thinks that she can spoil the boy and get away with it, since she is the grandma and visiting I assume from out of town somewhere. you have to be firm ,and she has to respect your ways with your own child. Good luck...be firm!

You can get up early and have a quiet cup of coffee or tea with your mother in law and perhaps spend some quality time with her, investing in the relationship !

i think the "ball is in your husbands court" as the saying goes. She might pay attention to him, since it is obvious that she is not listening to you at all. A. mother of four, grandmother of three, greatgrandmother of three!!

Well its really not about you and helping.She was once your husbands mom and now she needs to feel that void.Thats how shes dealing with it.By trying to get your son to take that place of, when your hubby was little. Give her some time.And just Lovingly remind her of that. Let her now that You know shes trying to help But, yall have a schedule that you want to keep up with cause, when she returns home you will have to reprogram him back to the way it was and it takes time to do it.So if you need some extra hands you will let her now.And let her now. Then she wont feel left out.

I agree with Guille. My mother has special privlages with my daughter. If she wants to deal with him while she is there, I would step back and let her. She will figure it out soon enough and if not it will all be over soon. If his other naps will mess up the daily rutine, then simply say, "Well, we had planned_____ today, but since he didn't get his full night's sleep, we need to stay home and let him get an extra nap." This is not really a battle that I would fight.

I think I would just keep it short and sweet and straight forward. Tell her how much you appreciate how helpful she is with your son but that his pattern is to wake up for a few minutes at that time, scrump around and then sleep. That if he doesn't get that extra sleep he gets grumpy or whatever. I think I would just tell her that anytime after 7am, or whatever time you think is ok, she can get him and that you really appreciate it. I would sprinkle in the word appreciate a lot! She is trying to help, she just doesn't realize how much this can upset his little body clock. I think if you get her on your side by letting her know that her help is welcome then you can let her know another way to help you is by letting her grandson sleep a little more. Best wishes!!

Dear R.--If your mother-in-law is serious about "helping", she will listen to you (or your husband) when you tell her that she is shortening the baby's required sleep time. Explain to her (like you did to us) that you really appreciate her wanting to help, but that your baby's sleep habits include stirring several hours before he's ready to get up. If she doesn't listen after that, I'm afraid there's nothing you can do to MAKE her understand. As a grandmother, myself, I can understand her wanting to be with the baby as much as possible. She probably doesn't really understand that what she is doing is harmful to the baby. One word of advice: Mothers-in-law are so different from their daughters-in-law. My experience in being married to my husband for 35+ years and dealing with a particularly "obtuse" mother-in-law taught me that, "warts and all", she was a wonderful woman, so full of love and wanting to help. I look back now and realize that I didn't appreciate her enough while she was alive. We did become very close at the end of her life as I was her primary caregiver for about 2 years. I wouldn't trade those really tough years for anything. (Please forgive the digression--but I think others can learn from my experience.) Anyway, please be gentle with your mother-in-law. After all, she's a primary reason that your husband is the person you fell in love with.

Before everyone goes to bed the first night she is in town, I would mention it! Tell her that after she left on the last visit, your son's sleep schedule was out of whack for sometime. Let her know that you have had him on a very consistent sleep schedule, and it was hard getting him re-adjusted after her last visit. Let her know you don't want to have to go thru that again, so you would really appreciate it if she not interfere. Sometimes you just have to be blunt.

As a mother-in-law myself, I think you should be the one to tell her, unless you have a problem with her. You need to keep all lines of communication open with her. If you are as lucky as I was, and try to be in my relationships with my daughters-in-law, she will listen. Yes, we love to help, and yes we sometimes think we know a little more than you do, but if you just explain to her that as unusual as it may sound, he really will go beck to sleep for that much needed hour or two. When my first one was that age and woke up earlier than I wanted him to, I just put a bunch of soft toys in his bed and when he got tired of playing he went back to sleep for the required amount of time. Just give her plenty of "loving time" with him...maybe let her be the one to put him down for his nap. Most importantly, let her have some "private time" with him, just the two of them. That is very important for both of them, and while I'm on the subject...do you ever see to it that your husband has private time with his mother, just the two of them? That also is very important. A mother never ceases to be a mother and she will love you all the more if you allow her some special private time. Treat her the way you someday want to be treated.
Good luck.

Dear R.
Having had mother-in-laws and being a mother-in-law myself, I can see it from both sides of the coin.
It is very hard for the mother of adult children because you are darned if you do and darned if you don't.
You mother-in-law was really trying her best to give you a break by seeing to your son so early in the morning and did not do this to offend you or interfere at all.
She obviously loves her grandchild and her family and you are so lucky to have her.
Who cares if your son's routine is upset for a while - grandma is not going to be around forever. One of these days she will pass on and everyone will miss her, especially the grandchildren.
Let her help you all she wants and sit back and enjoy it and just relax. She means no harm! Enjoy it.

Hi R. -

Why not let her know what happens to your son when he does not get his sleep - and how it hurts him? That may give her the bigger picture.

Alli

Having your husband talk with his mother is the best answer, if he will do so and hold his ground! Men are notoriously unwilling to face their moms and stick to their guns. Failing this, I would tell her again, myself, and then print up a sign with instructions and pin it to the nursery door. If she asks why it's there, tell her that it's a reminder to anyone who happens to be staying overnight and wants to help with the baby.
If none of this works, your only other option is to place yourself physically in front of the door and bar her entrance!

I totally agree with Wanda C. This isn't a huge issue. You will know a huge issue when you see it! The main thing for me is how long will your MIL's visit be? If short, and not so frequent, then let her be. If an extended visit, or she will be around a lot, then you may want to set more firm boundaries. You may also want to pay careful attention to see if this is going to be an ongoing pattern- her ignoring your wishes. But if she is kindly trying to help you, I would let her have some time with him while you sleep a little longer (I do this with my own parents) or if you child has real problems with the missed sleep, such as being a bear for the rest of the day, just let her either deal with it or witnesses you dealing with it. This is the only technique that has worked for me with both sets of grandparents that did not cause hard feelings but changed the behavior immediately. She loves your baby too, remember, about as much as you do, and she doesn't want to see him miserable.

Mom, I love you and I'm so glad you're here! I wanted to let you know though that JR (nsert name here) is doing great with his sleeping schedule. He wakes up periodically in the early morning, but if you leave him there, he goes back to sleep for another couple hours and it really makes HIS mood, and disposition great throughout the day. I know how much you love him and want to spend time with him, but I would really appreciate it if we could keep him on his routine sleep schedule while you're here. It would make for shuch a better visit for all of us if he got his sleep and wasn't so fussy!
If you don't mind though, you could get him up every morning (at the designated time) and feed him breakfast (or similar) while you're here! That would give you morning times to spend with him and do what you like.

This is just an example. My advice would be to be VERY honset with her. Don't beat around the bush or expect her to figure it out when she gets there. Don't give her the opportunity to make a mistake before she knows the rules. BUT, caution, to many rules will keep her at a distance and you don't want that either. If you tell her about the sleep schedule, give her the chance to do something else, like get him up for breakfast, (I would suggest putting him to bed, but he is awful young and might only go to bed for you). Let her know that if she lets him sleep, she will have more options with him during the day. Let her know that you really appreciate her being there for more than a couple of days, you have been waiting for a date night with the hubby or just a break from it all with someone you totally trust.
No one wants to visit if it means nothing but rules, but if it's only one or two rules (that are non-negotible) the visit will be more fun and less stress.
Good luck

Yes, it is his mother but it is your child too. You have every right, as his mother to protect him and provide for his needs and those needs include sleep. I would gently but firmly make some ground rules, all the while letting her know how glad you are that she has come to visit. You can't let things go crazy just because your MIL is in town - if your mother did something of which you did not approve, you would take her aside and say "hey Mom, let me be the Mom" - your MIL is human and just needs a gentle but firm explanation of who the little one's Mom is - you, not her.

Both of you should tell her at the same time and say your serious. Its not fair to the kid and you must do what is best for him. If its not working out have her stay some place else. Or suck it up for there visit. You could also put him in your bed room for the time she is here but it will be hard to break him of that new habbit of sleeping in your room. It always is hard to have company they will always be truning your routine up side down. I would also tell her every morning and when he is extra cranky " he needs his sleep, do not get him out of bed in the morning".

hello i am also a military wife i saw my husband through 24 years of the army from privte to CSM as you know you are alone quite a bit. the more people who truely love our children the stronger they feel during deployments.If this is your only complaint about your mother inlaw come on look around you and be greatful she obviously adores her grandson.i have successfully raised five children and now have eight grandchildren whom i have a whole different relationship with than being the mother to my children. You are going to cheat your son and inlaws out of a relationship that is sacred between he and his grandmother. he knows trust me that that only happens when grandma is there! as i type i am visiting my grandson while his papa is in iraq for the third time and my son and daughter inlaw are so happy when they see us cuddle and laugh as it is teaching him all relationships have there place and this one is special between he and I. don't miss out on your blessings.

Sometimes you have to pick your battles. I too have had experiences with mother in laws that help a lil too much. What helped me was to take a deep breath, and to remember that she does what she does out of love. You both love your child so much. And if she's only visiting, what's the big deal about them having a couple of extra hours together. Let her get up with him and cuddle and feed him breakfast & let her remember when her own babies were little.

R.,

This is just a thought, but if you were to kindly ask your helpful mother in-law to leave him be, and she disregards your wishes, depending on how well he and you both sleep in the same room, have him sleep over night with you! This way, it might be more ackward for her to "be as helpful!"
If this does not work, have your husband talk to her! If your relationship is good otherwise, and it is a short visit, let it go!

Good Luck

If your Mother-In-Law isn't at your home very often, it may be that she'll ignore you and do what she wants. If her "helping" truly gets on your nerves, ask again, and have your husband back you up. If both of you are firm, perhaps she'll heed your instructions. If not, you may cause a rift, and she could have hurt feelings and leave.

My Mom-In-Law would never take to suggestions of any type regrding our family.

Good luck and God bless !

Yes, absolutely tell her again because my son is 2 and I've let a lot of stuff slide because I too appreciate my MIL, but it's gotten to the point where she kinda feels the freedom to do what she wants and blows our requests off, so we've had to get very firm. It's a shame it's gotten to this point (we had to have a serious talk with her), but it's worth keeping it under control as soon as possible so you don't keep in hard feelings and she doesn't start to get "too comfortable" with the rules. I personally feel more comfortable with my husband talking to her first, but is she doesn't take him seriously (ours didn't) then you can step in and maybe suggset that she sleep in a guest room farther from the baby if it helps her ignore the noise (subtle hint?) Good luck

i know what you mean about being to helpful I have one of those and she lives next door. First off how long does she visit for and is it long enough to really ruin his routine. If she does not get to be with him often then maybe let it be for the few days unless it is more than that and just give him an extra nap or put him down earlier. if this suggestion is not for you then maybe have your husband speak with her about the ground rules! Good Luck!!!!

There are 2 parts to communication. The speaker and the listener. When a listener is distracted while communication is taking place they might not retain all the important parts, and sometimes the MOST important parts of communication on the part of the speaker are what is NOT retained by the listener.

I'm a mother-in-law, I really want to please my daughter-in laws. I have lots of sons, they are all different, my daughter-in-laws will all be different too. Meeting and getting acquainted with your grandchildren is so very different than getting acquainted with your own children, I must confess, I've had a more difficult time of doing this, because I don't know my daughter-in-law too well, I want to please her, but now I'm a little bit afraid I will do something negative. I'm real comfortable with openess. I would appreciate a second opportunity to hear directly from her mouth something like a repeat explanation if I messed up doing her way. There are no lesson books on being a good mother-in-law. Your mother-in-laws side of the story might be something like, I was laying there awake, I was so excited I was going to get to play with my grandson, that when I heard him stirring, I forgot she had asked me to let him go back to sleep when he first wakes up. Or, she might not remember it at all. Is she coming from a different time zone? EST while you live in PST? If you don't rise until 8 and she's usually up at 6am no matter what she's probably antsy. Since you love your husband, and you have a good relationship with her, I would just assume that if you communicate the same information again, with a heart of love, or perhaps in a different form, I think it would be helpful. Is there time in your visit for her to interact with the child without you in the middle? When she interacts with your son, she's remembering another little boy and what he was like, and comparing to see how this little child is different. How does he react to things? Just like his daddy did? Men often marry women who have a personality like their own mother in some way. I can see the areas where my daughter-in-laws are somewhat like me, and somewhat different. I want to encourage and support them. I want to help them grow together as a couple. A strong marriage, a supported daughter-in-law a loved family. At the same time I'm missing my own mother and the relationship I had with her. I guess I sort of expected my relationships to my daughter-in-laws to be more like my relationship to my own mother. I expected to be more a part of the little things in their lives, to have a chatty, friendly relationship. I expected to get phone calls when they were thinking about buying a house. Instead I get the phone calls when they've bought the house, and moved in. I guess it's like I'm invited to the performance, when I expected to be invited to hear about the rehearsals. We don't live in the same city.

I'm a mother to 8, 7 sons and 1 daughter. My oldest 2 sons are married. I have 2 grandsons, and my second son and his wife are expecting their first baby soon, a little girl. I'm still dealing with kids at home too. The youngest uncle is the same age as some cousins on the other side of the family.

If her relationship with her son is very strong I'd ask him to address the situation. Maybe coming from him she won't feel threatened. He needs to explain that HE heard her get up at 6 and explain how the baby's schedule usually works in your home (after all you don't want to be retraining the baby after she leaves). Make sure he leaves you out of the discussion so she doesn't think you put him up to it.
Good luck

R.,

I felt the way you do with my first son 5 years ago. As a result there is a barrier between my son and his grand parents. I was so rigid and controling (not saying you are - I was) that I could not see what was most important for my child. Every minute a grandparent can spend with a grandchild is so special and far outweighs missing a little sleep during her visit. IF she visits every so often and it is not affecting his sleep on any kind of regular basis then let it go. Their bond needs moments like that (early morning cuddles and play) to grow and tie them together. With me second son I let go and let her help in any way she wanted because I knew her intentions were good and I needed all the help I could get. There is a much stronger bond between those 2 as a result of my unselfish behavior. In summary, let go and let her love that baby in any way she wants to. It is important for the development of a very special relationship that your child will treasure forever. Trust me - I've done it wrong and I see the sad results. Your baby will make up the sleep deficit - time with grandma is more important.

R.

First let me say I know how you feel. Second, I would say if it is a real problem with his behavior later from being over tired, than definately bring it up. Make sure she has something to do from 6 to 8. I know sometimes staying with friends who aren't early risers, one can bored if they don't have something to do. Also please remember that she is just trying to help. My mother in law also helps when I ask her not to and one time I was a bit ugly about it and regret it.

R.,
Have your husband talk to her ,it will be much better coming from him ,you just need to make sure he tells hernot to get the baby out of bed under any reason
L.

Hi, You have a right to set rules and tell mom how you feel about letting the baby sleep a bit longer. Tell her to read a book - that was what I did when I was waiting for the family to wake up. I have four grown daughters and three grandkids. Maybe it is easier when it is your own mom who is "helping".

Speaking as an experienced Mom and a Grandmother, anything grandma does can be undone in a few days after she leaves. You will learn this is true. Also, she means well. She is not trying to undermind you and it is not her being critical. Your mother in law just can't wait to get her hands on the baby. We have a six month old baby in the family right now and all the aunts and I fight for our baby time. Babies are wonderful and they thrive on lots of love and attention from all the family memebers. Set some rules and boundries but if she can't seem to help herself then be forgiving. Your Mother in law will eventually go home. The baby is yours. Perhaps if you relax a bit Mom can actually be of some real help to you like take him for a walk so you can do something you would like to do. Just a suggestion.

At first, my mother in law was not so sure I was the right person for her son, but after the birth of our second child, she and I became the best of friends. She was a retired teacher and had a lot to offer. She told me I was a great mom and should have been a teacher. She died way too young and I still miss her. She was a wonderful woman - she would be so proud of her granddaughers and great grandkids now. Life is too short to fuss about this sort of thing. Really time will show you this is true.

count your blessings the woman lifts a finger. I have the complete opposite problem. when mine comes she expects me to wait on her hand and foot. the woman cannot even pick up her coffee cup and put it in the sink. even when i was in a terrible car wreck and they came down from Arkansas to "help" my mother did all the work and she sat around and watched. Your in laws will be gone in a short time and you can get back in to your routine. If it's really that bad....have your husband have the conversation with her, not you.

I would just tell your MIL that he stirs at that time of the morning,but that does not mean he wants to get up right then. Let her know that he becomes irritable if he gets up too early in the morning and that he will be more enjoyable to be around if he gets his required hours of sleep.If you think your MIL would listen to your husband,then have him tell her. I hope this helps!

Hi R.,

I definitely think your husband should be the one to talk to her, either with you at his side or privately, which ever feels better to the two of you. I think one good idea for anything like this is to act like this is the first time the information is being presented to her. I think that can help keep it from becoming an unconscious power struggle.

Another possibilty is if she is on email, to make the request in an email, from your husband and cc'd to you -- some personality types don't take things in as well in conversation as in writing -- maybe your mother in law is one of them.

M.

I would say that it's very important that he keep his schedule, to please let you decide when he sleeps, gets up and eats. If his schedule is disturbed it will make it harder for him later on to get back on schedule. You're not trying to argue with her, just do what's best for the baby!

A few questions...1)when they visit, is it longer than a few days or a week? 2)is it that big a difference on his day if he gets up early to play with grandma for those few days or a week?

Depending on your answers, you might mention to her that if she want's to get him up to help out that his time to get up, where he will be able to be non-grouchy for the day is_____ (fill in the blank) but if he wakes up sooner let him go back to sleep and get him up the next time she hears him closer to the appointed time..

Then just let the cards fall as they may..if he gets up earlier with her give him an extra nap or an earlier nap to help with the sleep time he missed...get through the visit, but let the situation slide..when parents go to visit with their kids, or go on any vacation, it is difficult to stick to the same schedule as when we are home..treat their visit similarly and remember she just wants some extra moments with her grandson where no one else is hovering over her every move...(not that you do, but one on one time is a blessed thing to people)...you can get back to your normal schedule when she has gone home...

Good luck ;-)

Hi R..

Key word here..."visit". Will it really affect him if she gets him up at first nod? Will it change your life? If not, leave it alone. She's only there for a short while. Let her get up with him for those extra two of hours so she can have her "quiet time", or play time with just him. Try, at all costs, to avoid a power struggle with your MIL. If she say's she'a trying to help, let her. Later on, when the new wears off you will welcome the help. If you shut her down now she'll probably not be as eager to help later on. Let them bond. You'll apprectiate her relationship with him as the years go by.

As for letting your husband handle it... never put your husband between you and his mother. The best gift you can give to your husband is to love his parents. If you have issues, resolve them in a diplomatic way. Try not to be confrontational. A nuetral ground will always be best for your son, who is also her grandson.

HTH and I apologize if I sound too harsh. I've just learned from experience. I'm on my 3rd/4th children (twins) and I am so thankful I let up on my MIL after my 1st one was 6 months. It changed the dynamics of our family and we have a wonderful relationship. She is a handful of help with all my kids and she loves them like I love them.

J.

I would just mention it like "Oh, by the way...just in case you hear my son get up around 6 a.m., he's not really ready to get up. So, just ignore him and he'll go back to sleep, please. Don't worry about him. That is his normal routine." If that doesn't work, then I would just let it go. He can always take a nap when necessary. They're only here for a few weeks. Your relationship with her, hers with your son's, etc. is so much more important than a few hours of sleep, which won't hurt him every once in awhile. If she were living with you, or lived in the area (like mine) then I would give different advice. If it was regarding a discipline issue or something else, then no matter what you have to put your foot down. But, don't make mountains out of mole hills when the situation is only temporary. It's totally not worth it. Believe me. I've done this very thing, and in hind-site...it really wasn't all that important in light of other things. Let him enjoy his grandma and vice versa and change up his routine some. It won't hurt none. Really, it won't.