Need Advice on Maritial Issues

Speaking from experience, you need to talk to him about it or it will certainly lead to more. Maybe not with those women, but no good will come from it. As hard as it will be, tell him the truth and tell him you want the same from him. It will be hard, but it will be worse if you don't resolve it now.

I wouldn't ignore the situation, but I wouldn't go running to divorce court just yet. Obviously, he knew what he did was wrong because he was attempting to hide it from you. On the other hand, he was flirting with women that live far away, and unless he's booked some plane tickets (or the women have) chances are he was not planning on this to escalate into anything more serious. Futhermore, he didn't delete the e-mails so that tells me that he's either not very computer savvy or he wasn't terribly worried about you reading them. It sounds like he is just craving attention. Most guys would never admit it, but they need to have their egos stoked once in while. I'm not condoning what he has done, I'm just trying to shed a little light on why he might have done it. If you guys were together for that long before children, I'm going to assume that you've had a good relationship aside from this incident. Has something changed recently to cause him to feel estranged from you, or you from him? Do you still spend quality romantic time together away from the baby?
Sit him down and talk to him about what's been going on in his life and how he is feeling. Lots of Dads tend to feel left out because suddenly they're not the "baby" anymore. LOL You'll get a lot more out of him if you approach him with an attitude of support and concern (even if you're mad as hell). If you approach him with hysterics or anger, he is only going to clam up and get defensive. Remember the old adage, "you can catch a lot more flies with honey than with vinegar."
It may sound like an anti-feminist thing to do, but I can assure you that it will get you the answers you are looking for, and you'll know what to do from there.
Good luck!

I wholeheartedly agree with Christina D's response above. Hopefully this was just your husband seeking attention. While my husband didn't do this he did have a tough time adjusting to me being a mom (not him being a dad but to me being a mom!) After 7 years of "us" time I don't think he realized how much of my time and engergy would go into our child. I wasn't focusing 100% of my love and attention on him anymore. I think it's a natural progression that he'll need to go thru to not feel so slighted anymore. Heck there are still days where my husband says "hey what about me!?" lol and my boys are 4 & 6! As everyone stated because he was so secretive about it is what made it deceptive. It's not like he every asked your advice over dinner "hey honey I met these couple of women on line and they need help with...... how do you think we could help them?" lol I would definately seek the advice/help of a marriage counselor with or without him. Good luck and keep your chin up! Just remember that you don't deserve to be disrespected by anyone - be a stong woman role model for your daughter.

N.,

If he can't do something in front of you, he shouldn't be doing it. The fact that he set up another email account shows that this has progressed for him. He is also getting calls? You need to put your foot down on this or he might cross another line and do something physical. He obviously went looking for these women to write. You know it's not nothing-- of course he's going to say it's nothing-- he got caught. Hopefully he wanted to. Please seek guidance from a therapist. Hopefully he will be able to share why he is seeking inappropriate attention that could cost him his family. Good luck, R.

Who knows what "normal" behavior is but I would think this qualifies as not normal. I think I would suggest that he see a psychiatrist or psychologist and if he won't go for that, see if he will see one with you. God Bless.

I can tell you and my husband would agree that your husband SHOULD NOT be doing this. It's a form of cheating and it starts small then leads on and on to bigger issues. Even 'thinking' of other women is cheating and considered adultery. He is go down a road of temptation and it has already begun.

He would need to stop the actions or you would need to get out of the relationship. I believe you and him can get help to save the relationship...I'm not an advocate of divorce, unless warranted, but if he wants to save the marriage, he has to stop cheating and going down the road to adultery. If he's hiding it, he's cheating and he knows that it isn't right if he is walking out of the room, has a different email address for these women, etc.

Definitely get to a marriage counselor, with or without him.

First of all, anything my husband is secretive about is not right! Do you belong to a church? Maybe you could speak with your pastor about this. This is harmful, addictive and dangerous behavior. Have you ever read Dr. Cloud and Townsend books on marriage. They have a wonderful book "Boundaries in Marriage" also, there is a book I believe by them called Safe People. No matter what your husband says, this is not appropriate behavior for a married man. I would also seriously consider counselling. Pray for guidance for this, but get help. God Bless You.

Trust is one of, if not the most important things in a marriage! Without it you will not be happy. It sounds like he hasn't gone farther than chating with these women at this point which makes me think that you still have time to get some help. My husband and I both went through relationships / marriage where we were cheated on and I can tell you that, at least for us, you will never get the same trust level back. I know that you have a young daughter so I would try my best to work it out. However if you have really tried and you still feel like things are not better....don't stay in a bad marriage for your child. I think that is worse than a divorce! My mom stayed in her bad marriage for my sister and I and one day at 13 I told her either he goes or I go! So be careful! i don't know if any of this has helped or not...but I really hope things work out for you!

My husband is a christian marriage and family counselor and I can tell you from years of counseling, this is not uncommon, but cannot go unaddressed. You are NOT over reacting and should go see a counselor at the very least. In order to save your marriage you will need to tow a very hard line, but it will definitely be worth the work. I read that you are not sure if you should 'let it go'. Letting it go would be letting go of your marriage. Any marriage can be turned around, but it always takes 2. Be encouraged that you are not alone and seek out support and encouragement from others that you trust. By keeping this hidden and not addressed, it will only grow into a larger problem.

N.,

Your husband is a grown man. Grown people do not hide what they are doing from others unless there is a reason to be ashamed about it. You have every right to be concerned and you should confront him. I also agree with Christina D.'s response that this must be coming from somewhere. Maybe your relationship is lacking somewhere for him. If you speak reasonably, hopefully he will tell you what this something extra is.

I understand where you are coming from when you say that you feel like a crazy woman. It's hard to know that your spouse may be cheating on you, even if it's only on the internet, it's still cheating. When trust goes, everything goes. You really need to talk to your husband and let him know how this makes you feel. You may even need counseling, but that could be further down the road. This is probably exciting to your husband and he probably feels like he isn't doing anything wrong because he hasn't met this women personally. You could even email the women yourself and let them know that you are his wife and would appreciate it if they would stop emailing your husband. You need to really pray for guidance. This is such a hard situation and it sucks, I know. If your husband really cares for you and sees how much this hurts you and makes you feel then maybe he'll stop on his own. I hope everything works out for you.

I would be concerned and let your husband know that this secret emailing is bothering you and making you distrust him. If he needs more attention to let you know, rather than seek it out through internet relationships, because your marital relationship should be more important particularly with a child involved. If he is not willing to let you see the "friendly" emails then there is obviously something he's hiding. Maybe it's just flirting for his ego boost, but it's not appropriate. maybe just call him out on it, but don't let him know you invaded his personal space.
I totally understand not wanting to cause an agruement with a child listening. Perhaps you should wait while your child is asleep. And make sure that when you confront him that it's not confrontational on your part. If he gets defensive, go with your gut, but you should discuss the topic.
Another option is to not discuss it but plan activities for when he is typically emailing. Or say, I'd wish you could come and join us for - - - - -. If he won't join in family and spousal activities, the emailing is a problem, and address it then. I think the question would be "Why does personal emailing to women take precedence over family time with your wife and child?" Even if you don't discuss it, he'll know your onto him and it could later on lead to a discussion. Maybe he'll do a reality check on his priorities.

Good luck.

N.,

I say trust your instincts on this one. You have noticed a difference in your husband. I would definately be concerned. I think you have EVERY right to be unsettled by this. Do you belong to a church? If so I would recommend speaking with your pastor or counselor. See if your husband is willing to come with you to get help communicating about this.

I would also speak with him about deleting this other e-mail address and having just one combined address. If he is not hiding anything I don't see why he would mind having a joint address. I would also check into having a filter block on your computer to prevent going into "unwanted" websites. Hopefully he is not going there too, but better safe than sorry.

Good luck to you and I certainly feel for you. I would seek outside help on this before it really drives you "crazy".

God bless you and your little one,
A.

I think you should deal with the situation and soon. Now a days, email is the beginning of relationships. Maybe he is looking for something and this woman gives it to him. You don't want him to go out looking for this, you want to be the one to give it to him. I think if you deal with it now, you can grow even closer to eachother. I hope you a long and loving life with your husband.

N., why is your husband writing to other women? Why does he feel sorry for a woman (women) who are not directly connected to him? Why isn't his focus on you and the baby?

I don't mean to sound harsh but he's not acting like a husband should. His attentions should be on his family - not nameless void females. I'd be concerned, too.

Be honest with him and ask him to stop for the sake of your family. If he can't, then you guys should go to counseling.

Personally, I wouldn't put a filter block on his computer. Being underhanded has a way of coming back on you in a negative way.

N.,

Speaking from experience, you are NOT crazy and you have every right to be upset. This is not right! Some people would argue and say it’s not cheating, well the way I define cheating is, would he be upset if you talked to other men on the internet… YES he would, so how does that make it ok for him to do it?? If possible I think you should print those e-mails, so that you have proof if ever needed… my situation never got any better after my husband was caught talking to other women on the internet, we are now in the process of separtion five years later. Don’t feel obigated to stay with him because you have a child together… Either way good luck with everything, and remember DO NOT doubt yourself, it isn’t right for him to do this to you, and nothing he can say will make his behavior okay… D.

Do not ignore this - persue this. This is the first sign/step of cheating. If you want to keep the marriage then you are going to have to confront him about this and go to counsellling. There is obviously something missing in the mariage for him (doesn't mean it is your fault, it happens) and he is looking for it through these other women. It could be as simple as wanting something from you he is embarrased to ask for because he thinks you disapprove. He may already be cheating, he may just be talking. Either way he is looking for something from these women that he should be getting from you and if it keeps up you will lose him.

You are going to have to tell him that what he is doing bothers you and how it makes you feel and discuss going to counselling. Ask him why he is doing it and if it is because of something you are or are not doing. Most important is getting this in the open between the two of you without arguing and acusations and trying to get counselling.

Well if it were me I think I would have done the same thing and maybe went a little further to email the women to ask what their relationship is. I see nothing wrong with it because you are his wife and if he has friends then you should know about them, not that they have to be your friends but it should not be a secret. I would let it go only if he is sure that it would stop and knows that if it happens again that it would be an issue for the marriage.

Hi N.,
I was in a similar situation to this, and I was like you and didn't want to keep arguing about it. So I left it alone. It only escalated to the point where he was seeing someone, and then eventually had sex with someone else.

My advice to you is to go to counseling. I'm sure you will get a few free sessions through his EAP program at work. This will help you determine why he feels the need to have these types of conversations with other women. It will also help you learn how to speak to him so that he gives an honest answer when asked a question.

Just a few things I like to keep in mind.

1. Make sure you are attractive to him.
2. Make sure that you do fun things together.
3. Spend time to take an interest in what he likes.

I am not saying that any of this is your fault, but you are in the marriage with him, and only can control your own actions. I hope this helps, and good luck to you.

Trust your instincts! Do not feel that it is confrontational. Take time to discuss the way this situation is causing you to feel.(suspicious, unsure, unhappy, etc.) Talk with him, not at him! Hear him out. Them come together with a plan that will open the communication lines between you. Remember communication is key!!!

This is cheating! He knows better. Nip it in the bud now. It will get worse...TRUST me!

I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this issue. The first thing I would do is pray for him. Pray that God opens his eyes to the issue that he is facing. Pray that God will strengthen he not to fall into this or any temptations and strengthen your relationship with him. Pray that God will also strengthen you to do the right thing as well. Stop checking his email!!!! You will only go crazy the more read it, he knows. He already knows right from wrong. let him know that it is hurting you, hurting your marriage, and family, tell him how much you love him and want to be committed to the vows you all made with God. Ask him if it would be possible for you and him to seeking counseling to get the marriage back on track. If you all do not have a lot of couples for support and family around you find some. Someone that may be ablt to hold you both accountable for your marriage. and as I said before pray find another wife and pray with her for your marriage and the marriages of others. Unfortunately we live in a cicity where no one values marriage or believes the marriage Holy and should not be defilied. Please do not blame yourself because it is not your fault. However do remember that you can not change him it has to be his choice, but prayer with the Holy Spirit guiding him he will choose the right thing. I pray that our Father will join you and your husband tighter together and that nothing will tear you apart. I pray for your strength, and your husbands unselfish desire to be the man of the household protect and lead his family and love you his wife as he loves himself. Be blessed N. try to focus on your husband creator and not your husbands actions.