Husband and His Ex

It's called the okie doke please don't fall for it you have every right to ask questions and don't stop until you get to the bottom of what is going on because if you don't you will be sorry. By the way the Military is very strict when it comes to comitting adultary.

K., sorry to say, but this sounds bad. The fact that he is keeping his communcation with her a secret, shows that he has more feelings for her than he should, and he knows it. Leaning on him for support through her divorce, means she is available to him. I would try to get him to family councling before he decides which woman he wants to spend his life with.
Sorry and good luck.

My heart truly goes out to you and your boys.

First I want to applaud you for listening to your gut. Second you need to really think what is best for you first off. Yes I know the children come first, but at the same token you don't want your boys growing up in a household where it seems like it is okay to act like that. Mid life crisis or not. Me and my husband went thru that three years ago while I was pregnant with my first. I gave my husband the benefit of the doubt the first time. After the second time, I googled the girl's info, who by the way was also married. I also had my husband call her while I was on the phone to tell her that she was never to contact him again. I also told my husband that if it ever happened again that I was going to leave with my son. The third time she started the contact. I simply called her and threatened to tell her husband in person with proof about what was going on. Never heard from her again. I still check my husband's emails. He also change his cell#, of which I check the calls monthly. My husband understands that it is going to take a while to earn my trust again and respects it. I dont get any huffs and puffs about the whole process. He made his bed so now he has to lay in it. Just pray about it. I hope this helps!

dear K.,

its very simple. Your husband is married to you and not to her. if he still wants to have her in his life, he cannot have you and the kids. they are to end the relationship immediately and you both need to begin working out why he can open up to her and not you.

he is to only and ONLY have emotional intimacy with you. sounds like though he never got over her and of course the grass is always greener on the other side.

trust is a bad hurt when it has been violated as much as yours has.they have been having an emotional affair=adultery. what he gives to her he is not giving to you.

I say if you really want this to work put down the rules he is to follow:
1. no more friendship with her.
2. no more emails
3. no more contacting him either at work or wherever.

if he cannot do this, he left you a long time ago and just hasn't moved out. Get all the $ you can from where you can, figure out a plan on how to support yourself, get a really good lawyer, and let him buy you out for the house and pay you good $ to support those kids. Make a plan for his paying college. As much as it hurts, i believe he has made his choice. Now you make yours...

and above all, get into church. You are going to need the strength of God to walk through all of this. He is going to be very, very sorry someday.

Let me fast forward this for you too....if you were to ever get sick, he would not be there for you and he is stealing the best years of your life....if he does not want to get into counseling, than you go, make your plan and follow through before you are destroyed by his lack of loving you and the boys...

I really wish you well,
L.

I hate to say it but it sounds like your husband is being unfaithful...emotionally. Tell him this is just as bad as cheating physically. Seek counseling it sounds like he doesn't want to get over her. My husband did this before we were married and I layed down the law...me or the computer conversations with his ex-wife. He couldn't understand why I was upset. I put it this way...they don't have children together so there is NO REASON FOR CONTACT, especially since we were getting married. That was the end of it. My husband gave me his passwords for all of his email accounts (including work) to show I could trust him. For your sake I hope this woman doesn't live around you. Tell your husband it is breaking your trust and trust is the most important thing in marriage. A private investigator can find out the truth, but only do this if you think you can handle the worst. Good luck.

Hi K., it sounds like you can not trust your husband. It sounds like he could be keeping other secrets. If I were in your position I would be confronting my husband straight on and letting him know how this is affecting your relationship and if he is not willing to stop then it may be time to move on. You have to take care of yourself and if your husband is not valuing the marriage then what else is left?

What about your finances, do you manage the money?
or does he and give you an allowance.
Do YOU have a nest egg for yourself? and your boys?

Don't let your emotions get the better of you, be proactive!!!
not reactive. In all situations.

Harville Hendrix wrote a great book, "Keeping the love you find".

I am 49 I have seen a lot at this point in my life. A really good therapist was very helpful. I saw her for 10 years. I feel like I finally graduated. She was so helpful giving me an independent observer's opinion.

If you love him and he loves you and you have a strong marriage, Hang in there and try some couples therapy. Maybe he is just too dumb to know that what he is doing is affecting your relationship in a big way.

He may not realize that he is having an affair. Eventhough he may not see her, he is emotionally involved.

Best of luck to you!

D.

I can tell you right now if your gut is telling you something not to mention "proof" he is lying and maybe more...I am in my 3rd marriage (#2 was a Marine)and whenever I had proof it was always explainable...dont believe it...either accept what he is doing or don't...I feel for you...I am experiencing my own issues similar to yours.. w/ my husband...If you need someone to talk to I'll lend you my ear...S.

Ummm you are not overreacting... I would have his head on the chopping block! It is NOT ok to maintain a "secret" relationship with your ex ever! I would be wondering the same thing about other secrets he might be keeping... Reminissing about a night together...are you kidding me?!?! I am appalled and anything you say to him is validated. If it were me I would probably confront her via e-mail about what is going on and make sure she knew how inappropriate you think her relationship with your husband is. He is married to YOU and should respect your feelings on the matter and end the relationship for real.

Good luck and my heart goes out to you.

OOO touchy subject w/ me. Pardon me for being blunt. He is cheating: maybe not sexually or physically but emotionally and verbally. Any kind of cheating is unacceptable. You need to put your foot down. Personally I would take action especially if you have requested he do so and he has failed to do so. I would email her and let her know that you all are trying to work things out and that she needs to bug-off. Then tell your husband you did so and tell him to make his decision in the next 24hrs: her or you. Period. No Games. Dont drag it out. Dont give 100 chances. The hardest part is knowing you cant stop her from emailing or calling his work. But since he is military suggest that you will inform his CO of his extra marital activities. If he is a true marine as I know them, that will get to him. But you have to follow thru with it. Good luck and I am sorry you have to go through this.

K.:
I don't think men have a clue about the fact that even if no physical contact has happened - that by conversing about private details of current life and tripping down memory lane about the past with someone other than their spouse - its considerred by those of us who are wives - as an "emotional" affair. I would speak to him openly about how this makes you feel (when you are calm). Let him know how you view this and ask him if he values the family he has with you and wants to maintain it? Cos some counselling is required to find out what the payoff is for him that he maintains contact with the Ex. Talk to him calmly about what's missing. Drag it out in the open and get professional help for yourself in how to handle your feelings when you discuss it. If the secret is allowed to be kept - it grows and becomes more titilating for the secret keepers. And then it is easier to move into a more dangerous game - a physical affair. Help him find out what is missing. If there is something from long ago that's broken in him and this is who he really is or maybe you find out this is something like male menopause and he's looking for an emotional boost.Either way you will need some help deciding what is acceptible for you and your kids. Dr. Phil would say - that this isn't even "almost" OK to do when you are a married man!!! I agree!!

Blessings to you!

Good Morning K.,

I would realy like to go in depth with your situation, but I am not ,beacause I don't want you to think that I am just giving you bad information,but I will tell you one thing. What don't come out in the wash will come out in the rinse. another saying ,If you seek you shall find ,also my main worry ,If you don't seek you do find, then you need to follow you 4 site. We all have a 4site that god gives us,and some times we ignor it, and then things continue to come up, not because you are looking for it, it is because it has been placed infront of you,because you continue to ignore your 4-site. With all of this being said ,always follow your heart,and soul. This would save a lot of woman and men heart aches.

good luck to you.

Hi K.,

What a horrible situation. I have no tolerance for sneakiness or untruths. It's a huge weight that you have to bear. I would not be able to tolerate the lying. I'm afraid I would have to leave the marriage. It's, of course, hard to imagine with children. I'm sure the strain on your marriage has some type of impact on the children. Best of luck and stay strong. You deserve better as a mother and a woman.

Take care,
S.

there is a reason he still talks to her. hopefully because she is a friend and even same sex friends talk sex talk about the past together. i for one dont see anything wrong with that. what would be wrong is him steppng over the lines of friendship with her. you can tell him to never see her or talk to her but you could just be pushing him away and well i think that is what you are trying to avoid here. tell him that you dont mind him haveing friends and even reminising about the past on occasion but that it worries you that he is going to be tempted to stray if he gets caught up in the past with his ex. a conversation online or on the phone is fine with you as long as he doesnt say or talk about anything that he wouldnt want you to read or hear. anything else and he's making you feel things you dont wan to feel and shouldnt on account of his behavior. i also suggest marriage counseling. i hope he understands and cares for your feelings enough to change even a bit but dont be surprised when he tells you to simply not worry.

K.:

Hello! First off - thank you and your husband for your service and sacrifices! I know it's not easy being a military wife or dependent!

Now, on to your problem. Get a babysitter or trusted family member and take off for a night or weekend and TALK- be TOGETHER without the stresses of every day life. I would ask him the following questions:
1. WHY he this need to keep this a secret from you.
2. WHY he needs to keep in communication with her.
3. Over all of his ex's WHY her?
4. What does he expect to gain with this relationship with her? Especially keeping it secret?
5. Does he view himself as happily married? If not - why?
6. What was it about you that caught his eye?
7. What was it about you that he asked YOU to be his wife?

I personally wouldn't tell him no contact with her. I would tell him that he HAS to share it with you - because you ARE confident in his commitment to you (kind of accept some of the responsibilty for him not being able to tell you because you fly off the handle). But tell him you expect NO SECRETS between the two of you or your kids. Because TRUST ME - they are oooohhh soooo observant and will do as we do not as we say. Tell him that yes, you do fly off the handle - would he rather you be a door mat to walk all over?

I would also let him know that these secrets will crumble a good marriage. If you can't trust him - especially with him keeping secret a relationship with a W. - many more fights will ensue - making NO ONE happy.

I would also ask yourself the tough questions. You state you can easily fly off the handle - why? Did you start your relationship off with him directly after her? If you know more about his relationship with her - how long they were together, why they broke up, etc. ESPECIALLY the age thing - if she was his first love - men, Marines or not - have this desire to keep that with them because it keeps them young.

I keep in contact with my first love/ex-fiance. My husband knows. They haven't met (I met my husband in Germany). My husband was married before me. He has intermittent contact with his ex-wife. I don't have a problem with that. There is one W. I do have a problem with - funny, she's so not his type but she's one that so gets under my skin. Maybe this girl does that to you. Obviously, he knows this so he keeps it from you.

Any way - I digress - sorry. Have someone watch the boys and take your husband out on a date. You two need "Date" time. Talk about these issues before they end a good thing in a very nasty way. Every Wednesday night is date night for my husband and I. We have family time before we put the boys to bed and then it's our time. We catch up from the week and such. Try it. Give him things to talk with you about - he can obviously talk with her so he can't have the excuse he doesn't have anything to talk about. Give him things to reminice with you about. Show him why he fell in love with you and chose you to be his wife.

Please keep in contact. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep your temper under control - I know it's hard to, but trust me, if he sees you want to understand this and NOT mistrust him, he will not keep it from you.

Take care.

Your husband is probably comfortable talking with her, but
I doubt if he has any ral feeling for this ex friend. Sometimes when you are close in a relationship and when
you break the relationship off, it is very hard not to talk.
Trust me, I think it is only small talk. Lots of folks have
someone secret that they talk with on occasions. It is just
talk. He is not planning to leave you and I think he really
loves you. He just has a problem of letting go because he
feel sorry for her. Why not tell him about your old friend
that you ran into at the supermarket. How about, saying "
he gave me his e mail address, but I toss it in the trash"
watch his reactions for a few weeks.

K.,
After seeing the many responses you have received, it sounds like you have many options to think about. I wanted to shed some light on something I didn't see mentioned. Sometimes in situations like these there are deeper rooted reasons behind the decisions we make. If your husband is truly having an emotinal affair with this woman then he will be dishonest and secretive. If he is not and is only interested in keeping the lines of communication open he should have no problem being honest about it. Now the questions to be asked are, is there a deeper meaning to why your husband is seeking companionship with another woman? Has there been a big change or gradual change in your life that has lead him to feel alone? Please do not feel as though I am implying you have done something to drive him away. Sometimes things such as: not having any personal relationship time together, work, kids, life makes us feel distant from our spouse. Think about women, when life takes it's toll on us we sometimes find ourselves searching in new area's to find what it is we need. Sometimes these area's are not healthy onese, but we find ourselves there. What I would encourage you to do is set up a safe environment to allow your husband to be honest about what he is feeling he is missing. What has changed for him? It might take some tugging, but there might be some feelings that he is embarrased to share. Or maybe he feels completely intact with you and wants to keep the communication lines with his ex open but feels that option is not an option with you. You need to decide where your line is and explain how his actions make you FEEL. But always trust your instincts!! Good luck talking with your husband, I hope this might give another insight to the situation.
C.

I know how you feel. My husband’s ex called him the day before our wedding to see if he was STILL GETTING MARRIED!!! I was so upset I almost cried. When I asked him who was on the phone, he said it was someone else. Right! I could hear her voice!! Anyways, about 3yrs ago they started emailing each other more often than normal. I found out because he asked me to check an email for him and I think he forgot that he didn't delete their last convo. So I printed out all the ones I found (even the ones in the trash). Come to find out she was moving to another state and wanted to see him one last time. She lives in NC and the last time they saw each other was in 2000 right before we got together. Well long story short, that night I brought her up and told him that I didn't think it was right for her to continue contacting him. I never brought up the emails I found. I said that he's always telling me that he would never disrespect me or let anyone else, but I said told him that he is letting her do it. I explained how I felt and that if things didn’t change that I would have to do what I felt was right (I didn't give him an ultimatum). He just kind of figured I would leave him or divorce him. That weekend she called and he didn't answer or call her back. The following Monday he told her what I said and so far she hasn't called or emailed him. We even deleted her name from his contact list along with her sister's. That Tuesday because he felt that I was still going to leave him or whatnot, he went and bought me a puppy (I'd been wanting one for a few years). Even though that was a few years ago, I'll ask to see if he's contacted her. I've learned ultimatums don't work well with men. If your husband values your relationship at all, maybe knowing that losing him family over so stupid ex will get him back on track. I don't know. I hope my situation helps you. I still have mixed feelings about the whole thing. God will grant you the wisdom and strength to get through this.

Wow. I am definitely one of those women who believes that once you're married the only female friends my H needs is either me or mutual friends of ours or at least someone that i have met and know and vise versa for male friends for me.

Considering that it is an ex, and she is contacting him out of the blue like that to "help" him is very odd. I fully put the blame on her, however, i think that your H should cut all ties with this woman. It's not good for any of you and all she is doing is making you guys argue. In my opinion no "ex" contacts wanting to help like that without wanting something in return.

I also saw one reply that said you need to trust him. All i have to say is that i think that you fully trust your husband (this is how i am anyways) but do not trust the ex. You can fully trust your husband and your marriage but you can't trust an outsider that's trying to damage it.

Hi K.,

First I would like to say that it is very brave of you to write and it shows that you are sincere and want to be open minded. Trust the God in you and if you don't know Him this would be a good time to call on Him. In a marriage I am aware that you must be careful when giving advice but I will say this... We must make decisions that is in our own best interest in these circumstances so be good to YOU! Soul ties with ex's have a way of killing relationships, even good relationships. This is more about your need to know from him, that how you feel means more to him then the connection with this women. It's time to be silent and let God speak to you regarding this matter because bottom line we must be careful with who we allow to speak into our lives. Most times (although we mean well)we give advice out of our own unresolved heartaches.... So trust yourself and see spiritual counsel and most importantly be at peace with whatever the outcome may be. Don't allow anyone to steal your joy... Have you ever thought about marriage counseling? if he doesn't want to go you can go for you. If only to process your thought and emotions. Life is to short to stay stuck on the same thing for too long.

Many blessings to you and to your husband.
Pray, be silent and let God lead you.

Sadly I think he's having an affair or he's trying to. There's no other reason to tell her to contact where you have no chance of finding out and lie to you about it. Secrets are never good in a marriage. :(

Regarding your update:

I would believe him.

Unfortunately you have to decide if you want to be married to a man who lies and has no problem doing so. Though it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you and your children. I've been in similar shoes and they will continue to lie as long as they think they can get away with it. When confronted my husband's response was I didn't think I needed a password to protect my personal information. My response, "I didn't think I needed to check up on you but I gesss I was wrong."

He will probably continue to communicate with her and who knows if more is going on... he may never fully disclose all the information. Even when caught in a lie they will deny and play down the facts.

Sorry I couldn't be more positive but this is a common senerio. I am still with my husband but am always on the lookout.

You are right to be concerned. Even if there is nothing going on with this ex, he is secretive and that is never a good sign. Go get counseling now. Clearly he is not able to be honest, so you need outside help. If you want to save your marraige, everything needs to be out on the table.

Good luck.

M.

K.:
Well, first and foremost, I am sorry to hear about your problems. It takes a very strong person to tell other people (us mothers on here) your problems. But, as you know...we are all here to lend advise and help you out the best we can. :-)
There really isn't much more to say to you that hasn't already been said over and over again in the posts. You need to sit him down and ask him why he is still doing the things he is "behind your back". Is this whole thing worth losing his family and the life he has spent so much time building upon? Also, it may take putting separation papers in front of his face to know you are serious and what he is doing is hurting you in more ways than one. I know it's something you really don't want to see happen but it may just be enough to make him think a bit more. Make sure you also have something to fall back on...money, a place to go with your children, etc. Maybe even be blunt about it and ask him to be serious with you and have him tell you what it is that she can provide him that you aren't. Also, I would e-mail the other woman and tell her exactly how you feel about the whole situation (hurt emotionally, angry, disrespected, etc.) Maybe find out why she feels she needs to e-mail him all of her problems, as well.
I hope this helps and like I said, it's nothing that you haven't read in the other posts. Just remember you need to be strong for yourself and your children. My mother made it on her own with my younger sister and I after my father cheated on her and we grew up to be what we are today. I know, in the end, you will do what you think is right for you and your family and I wish you the best of luck. Remember, although we are "strangers" on here, we are still part of a "family" and we are here for you if you need us. BE STRONG AND GOOD LUCK!!!!

I'm sorry to hear that you are having trust issues with your husband. I do have to say he's making it hard to trust him. From what I read it sounds like he's not completely over this women and it may be that he's getting caught up in the excitment of being secretive. I would confront him again and I don't blame you for flying off on him. I would be the same way also!
My husband and I have taken a lot of realtionship classes at church and one of the things that is always stressed is to not put yourself in any kind of situation that could cause you to be unfaithful. He may not have the intent of being that way....he may only see that he's being a friend and helpping out but if that was the case he should've been honest and asked you to help him out with it.
my husband won't even go on a business lunch with another women co-worker alone. He will call me to tell me he has to go and then get another person to come along.
If your husband still says that nothing is going on even after you confront him for the 2nd time. Then tell him that its time for you both to seek help. If you go to church, some have great conseling or you can find a lot great books to help also.
Be strong but try not to be to over bearing cause it could just push him more into her arms. I'm not sure if this would help or not but ask him if there is anything you can do to help her out. Be sinsere and loving...tell him your here for him to support him and if she's a friend of his then she's a friend of yours and you want to help out in any way possiable. That might take all the excitment of being secretive out of it for him and he may see that you love him and stand beside him no matter what. What do you have to lose, trying to get him to share this part of his life with you. Just remember, stay calm and lift this up to the Lord and ask for his guidence, help and assurance.

K.,
As you probably already know communication and trust is needed in a successful marriage. Try to express your concerns with him verbally and/or in writing. Try not to be too hard on him but express your desire for more in your relationship. If needed let him know you are willing to seek counseling for you both. I pray everything goes well.

TG

Hi K.,
I think what bothers me the most about your situation is how he responded to you confronting him in the first place - just sat there and said ok to no more contact and then turned around and e-mailed her again to tell her only to his work contacts... Did he even CARE that it upset you?
Maybe it's possible that he fantasizes in his mind about how life used to be..and keeping in contact with her is how he holds on to that. Maybe she's pushy and can't let go of him and makes it a point to hold on in hopes she might be able to lure him away from his family...

But he needs to be honest with you and I would demand that. You deserve to know whether she is threatening your marraige and to what lengths will he go to to hold onto whatever relationship he may have with her.

I know trying to get a husband to a counselor/therapist is pretty much impossible - but I really think that having a third party who you both confide in can do wonders. That way there is someone who is in it for YOUR marraige.

Good Luck!!!

WOW!! Kudos to you for not loosing your S*&! yet. I have dealt with a similar situation with my H. My suggestion would be to confront him again and let him know exactly how it makes you feel. If he acts like to conversations are so innocent- (you know the whole, "There's nothing for you to worry about. We're just friends, if we wanted to be together we would have never broken up in the first place."), and if it is so important for them to remain friends- even after he understands how uncomfortable it makes you, than set some guidelines. Like, she only call at the house- (that way you are more real to her) and that he discuss each conversation with you. I would still do some checking in for the first few months to make sure emails and calls are not going to work. If they are than i would be rather suspicious of this "friendship". Hope this helps- Good Luck!

Besides your husband cheating on you how is he treating you at home? Is he home like he always is or has he changed his routine with you and the family? I am now legally separated because my husband was spending more time with his friends than he was with me. I would consider possibly sitting him down and talking to him to see what his goals are. Does he want you and the boys or does he want his ex? I would possibly start lining things up so you are prepared to take you and the boys and live somewhere else if need be. If you don't work and you have family that lives nearby maybe you can go stay with them so the boys won't miss school. If your not there maybe he will come to reality that he may possibly lose what he has good. I have seen this break up a lot of marriages. Good Luck.-R.

What a terrible way to find out such a thing. I had a similar situation with my H and an EX. I basically demanded she be cut off or he get out. That was of course before we had children, which I know have a 5 month old daughter. I can only imagine it would be much harder now than it was then, but you have every right be upset. I wish I could give you advice but I am a my way or high kinda wife. Good luck and I hope it all works out. You are welcome to connect with anytime if only for a chat!

Hi K.,

I can't believe I'm seeing this request. This exact thing happened to me three weeks ago. My husband had been seeing his ex for almost two months. I got suspicious and started checking things (he had called, bought her gifts, taken her to dinner, bought jewerly, etc). We have been married for two years and have a 5 month old. I was crushed and even gave him the opportunity to go to counseling to work through it, but he declined stating that my family would not forgive him.

He has recently requested that we work it out. I too have mixed feelings. I feel like I should for my little girl and he swears he has changed and I feel that I should give him that chance, but I'm torn.

For you...you asked him to stop talking to her and he has not, so that is a problem. I would NOT put it past him that there are other things. I recommend that you start your own investigating. Get your facts together and then face him. Make sure that you and your children will be covered. When you confront him with your evidence, his reaction will tell it all. My husband admitted it, since yours did not, that is concerning. Especially since he tried to cover it. I would be on the look out and make your moves with caution.....

K.,
I am kinda going through the same thing with my DH. Awhole lot of phone calls to so called female friends, 2 females pictures in his phone.. and I didn't even know the fool could use that feature on the phone. I am kind of perplexed with the issue myself. So here is what I have come to... because there is no sense in keep catching them in lies if there will be no consequences for his action. I talked to an attorney and figured how much child support i would get for the two children and what if any alimony I could get.. since I make more money than he does...and the next time i say something about it.. i will be taking action...Alot of times we talk too much, once I have let you know that I am aware of your behavior anything else i say other than taking action is just a quiet way of cosigning his BS....I prayed about the issue and lifted their names up to God and now I have let it go until i get tready to take some action...The more you highlight the incident the more he is attracted to it.. it's like forbidden fruit... Do something where you called her just to chat or something, or email her back and let her know you are aware off her actions.. Then depending on his reaction.. you will see what choices you have to make. Men will say anything... and turn around and do the total opposite.

Don't ignore your intuition. I think it's obvious that you cannot trust him to curtail this relationship with the Ex? girlfriend. Please go for counsling and he he won't go, please go yourself.

Without boring you with details I will tell you I went through a similar situation. It doesn't mean he is cheating. It just means he is getting something from continuing his contact with this person. Maybe something from his past or just getting an ego boost. The bottom line is it id decietful. My advice (take it for what it's worth) tell him he is not aloud to stay in touch with this woman. Tell him his actions have caused a great amount of distrust in your relationship. Let him know if he contacts her again it spells disaster for your marraige. And ask for access to his personal records. He has given you every reason to doubt him. If he really is on the up and up and wants you to trust him again he won't have a problem with you accessing his emails and phone records until you are comfortable again. Good luck.

Well, your husband is clearly lying and he refuses to give up his friendship with his ex. If it were not for the e-mails, you wouldn;t have known, so I am sure he is lying about other things, but you just don't know. Keeping in contact with his ex in such a secretive manner, can or will disrupt the marriage if he doesn't stop, and it is very obvious that he is not going to stop. If the shoe were on the other foot he wouldn't like it at all. I suggest that you have a long talk with him, lay everything out on the table and let him know that you are not going to put up with it or else.....And you have to be serious about your or else (whatever you choose). I know that you have the two kids, but sometimes drastic measures need to be taken for some men to wake up. Best wishes.

NMC-Baghdad Iraq

Personally, I think what he is doing is completely disrespectful. I would be like you, and would not like this situation at all. I think people are kidding themselves with the whole he can be friends with anyone, even an ex, and it is okay...there are no feelings. None of that matters, even if it is so. What he is doing is disrespectful. He kept this secret, lied to your face when you confronted him, and you have already discovered that he isn't respecting your request (or demand) to end it. I would too be thinking that there must be a reason as to why he is trying to continue this behavior, and has kept it secret all along. It is mean (for lack of better word) to be relaying your fights that you have with him to this woman. He is willingly allowing another woman to enter in on all of this, when he should be putting his wife first and respecting how she would feel about all of this. You just have to think....if it was all reversed and you were keeping secretive contact with an ex-boyfriend, telling him all about the fights you have in your marriage...your hubby would definitely NOT like that at all. I may be old fashioned, but I think what he is doing is very wrong, and you shouldn't doubt that. As how to handle the situation.... he just really needs to come to understand that he is being disrespectful for it to get better.
My hubby is AF...and I can understand this is definitely not an easy matter to take with a husband that travels without his family for his job.
K.

OH MY HONEY THAT ALL SEEMS SHIFTY AND SHADY IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN I WOULD DO MORE SEARCHING BUT I WOULDN'T LET ON HOW MUCH I KNOW KEEP PRINTING OUT THE EMAILS IF YOU CAN GET THEM YOU CAN ALSO BLOCK HER NUMBER FROM CALLING YOUR HOME AND CELLS AND ALSO FROM GOING OUT... GET MORE INFO ON WHATS GOING ON THEN NAIL HIM WITH IT :p

1. You have two children. You should not turn checking on your husband into a full-time job. It's lovely he has tried to restore trust by allowing you access to his electronic world; however, that puts you in a position of being the marriage police, and it's beneath you. Besides, anything strange will show itself to you, as it's done in the past. You probably won't have to do a whole lot of snooping to find deceit in the future.
2. Never make empty threats. If you are not really prepared to leave, do not issue ultimatums. That's right up there with tantrums to get what you want. You and your children will be the ones to hurt in the long run.
3. It is good that you and your husband talked. I hope you keep those lines of communication open. You both could probably benefit from marriage retreats and dates to strengthen your relationship so that other women, period, are not an issue.
4. You wrote that he is balding and is probably flattered by the attention. Mid-life is as real a milestone for men as menopause is for us. All you can do is talk to him, encourage him, and love him. You cannot control how he feels about himself. But, you can remind him that you desire him as he is, you are attracted to him, and you respect him and what he does for his family. Speak honestly. Prayerfully, that will keep him strong enough to resist attention from any other woman.

Hello K., it sounds like he is going to keep emailing her, trust me his contact w/ her is not going to stop, why dont you try emailing her yourself and express your views to her. Are the emails explicit or is it just general conversation? He should respect the way you feel and stop contacting her but it sounds like he feels like she is a friend and people do not let their friends go just like that.

You might consider seeing a couples counselor, especially if you feel this issue has made it hard for you to trust your husband. You may find it helpful to have a neutral party involved--sometimes this can get people to be more expressive and more honest.

I think you hit the nail on the head Honey when you talked about being in his 40s and losing his hair. This contact provides him with flattery and connects him to his younger days. I do not think this woman is a threat to you. You have said your peace. Let it pass. As soon as she finds herself a new man, she'll be GONE.

Trust your instincts.. if he's holding on this tight it's not fair to you and your family. And if he's lying he has something to hide or that he doesn't feel right about. Why should he hide something that has no guilt about?

So sorry that your husband is so insecure about his choices in life. He has chosen to have a family and wife, yet he is not willing to take that responsibility in full, but rather tries to build something on the side.

I would ask him if he would rather be with his ex than with this family. He can't have both! If he answers that he is with you and the boys, he also has to show this with action by cutting the cord to ex. Why does he think he gets something more from his ex? What is missing in his relationship to you? (these are questions you have to ask him, just make sure you really listen to the answers).

If things don't improve in the next few days (why wait longer? You are not getting any younger, and you have to show you are not to be walked over), is there any way you can build your life with your boys without him? And have the only contact with him regarding the boys, he doesn't need another ex to hang around.

I wish you luck, relationships are not easy, ever.

Your husband seems to have an emotional attachment yet to this other woman. He is married to you and he needs to break free from her. Can you go for counseling with your church pastor? AF

Hi K.,
When you are married you do everything you can to avoid even the appearance of impropriety. What your husband is doing is sneaky and wrong. There is no reason for him to have contact of any kind with an ex flame. It may not be physical, but it certainly is an emotional affair if she's contacting him at work and recalling private moments that they shared together. I would be furious that he asked her to only use his work email after you asked him to break things off. He needs to put a stop to this relationship immediately if he wants to salvage any kind of trust you have left in him. Good luck!

Ask him to seek counseling with you and if not -- go on your own. If you attend a church -- speak with the pastor and since he is in the military -- contact his commanding officer.

K.,

Maybe counseling would help, but only if he wants your marriage to work. It takes two to make it work, you can't do it on your own. Trust is a huge part of that!

It doesn't sound like you have any reason to trust your husband. He has lied to you, bottom line. What he is doing is not innocent if he needs to hide it from you. He may not be in a physical relationship with her, but he is basically having an emotional affair. For whatever reason, there is an intimacy between them that is inappropriate for a married man. I don't think that I would trust him to cut ties with her no matter what you say/how you feel about it. He has set that precedent. Don't let him blame you for his actions. We are all responsible for our own actions. Trying to blame you is just manipulation on his part. Don't buy into it.

I wouldn't trust her either and don't think talking to her will change anything. Some women can be downright mercenary when it comes to getting what they want. She's aware of what she's doing. (I've always thought that to be a terrible shame, as women we should have more of a sisterhood between us. Not everyone out for themselves.)

Trust your gut instincts. They won't let you down. You deserve better than you are getting from this guy. In the long run it is better to be happy by yourself (with your kids!) than miserable in a relationship. Be good to yourself.

PS I agree with the others who suggested you save the emails, you never know what you might need.

good for you, K., but make sure you check those emails on daily basis :)
lost trust is not gained back easily, at least in my book. there was no reason for him in the first place to tell her to contact him via work email only. that is a red flag right there. why didn't he discuss this with you when it first happened. i am by no means suggesting you leave him or anything but i am suggesting don't let him feed you lies until you start trusting him again
good luck

Hi K.,

I know where you're coming from... You're husband is simply being tempted!!! A woman like his ex-gf has a tendency to get connected with his EX (which is so happened your husband) because of what's happening to her marriage.

My suugestion for you, im speaking as a wife, You must set your boundaries for yourself so that he wont treat you like a door mat... And set a boundaries for your marriage, to let your husband know that you're willing to forgive him (isn't?), but make sure NO MORE TO INFIDELITY...

Lastly, be connected with people who could lift your spirit up.

God Bless you

Hi K. well i am not going to buttercoat this I know from experiance that if he is sneaking aroound and doing this behind your back there is something going on. If he cant let her go he keeps contacting her. He still has feelings for her and its time to give him a choice. Tell him if he keeps doing it you are going to leave him and take all the emails with you to a lawyer. Also let him know if there is anything go on between them you will also get the command involved for an extra marital affair. Thats not pretty in the military. Also have you wrote to her? I wouldsend her a nice little email informing her that if your marriage falls aprt from her you can and will bring her into court for the cause of the marriage failing and she can be sued for that. If he is going to keep doing it then you really need to give him a choice. I am so srry to hear you having to go through this and it is a hard thing to deal with I know. YOu got to put your foot down. Make sure you save all these emails in case something was to happen. Keep a log of everything he tells you and she says. Good luck hun

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. However you are not alone. I was in a relationship similar to this (except on the other end unknown to me). Was dating (oddly enough) the marine, he moved, we saw each other when I drove out to my new duty station and saw him a couple of times at my new duty station, he got sent back to Iraq and from there he told me he had a wife, and he had had one the whole time, well he then told me if I wanted to email him to email him only at work emails. I also had the pleasure of conversing with his wife, well I told her everything and forwarded emails and such. I then promptly droppe all contact with him. Haven't talked to him since February and I'm in a much better position for it.

The reason I say this is you may have to give your husband and choice. Me or her. Also you can call your husbands command on him and tell him you suspect he's cheating ( the military takes adultry really seriously!) So if you feel like you are ready to either end the marriage or if he lets this woman go to keep on loving and working on your marriage then give him the choices. But personally I would still call his command. I know I would call it on my husband.

K.,

I am so sorry to hear of what is going on with your marriage. I have been married for 2.5 years, and have been with my H for a total of 5 years. In the beginning of our relationship, there were a few ups & downs concerning old boyfriends of mine. However, the way I was raised, and the way that we learn it today (biblically), is that if you are married, you are not to have a personal relationship with anyone of the opposite sex. NO ONE! You are not supposed to have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex because it is too easy for you to start having feelings for them, lusting for them, & you commit adultery. So, as for me & my H, we stay away from that. We are best friends with eachother & our other friends that we actually "talk" to are our best friends from childhood who are of the same sex. I certainly pray that your H can see that. If he loves you, and you have told him how you feel about his relationship with her, than he will step away from her & focus on you. He needs to realize that you feel as if he is being dishonorable (I can't think of the right word) by having a personal relationship with her. Also, by all of the lies that he has been sharing with you. That is another thing that you are NOT supposed to do. You should always have an open & honest communication with your spouse. It is very hard to do, but believe me, when you have it, you couldn't be happier in your marriage. So, I pray for honesty in your marriage & pray that you can work it out. God bless you & your family!

Hey K.,

I have the "non-filter" problem too! :-) If they don't have any children together, honestly I don't think it is appropriate for him to continue contacting her. I hate to say it, but it seems like the writing is on the wall in this case. As his wife, he shouldn't be keeping secrets from you if there is nothing going on outside the scope of friendship with this person. And to allow this woman to take trips down memory lane about things they did together is also inappropriate. She needs to be put in her place and your husband is the one who needs to do it. Men do what we as women allow them to do. Trust me, I know.

Women know how to get to another woman. It is obvious that she is trying to cause a problem in your relationship if she continues to contact him and is blatant about her contact. Pray on it and make sure he is aware that you know they are still in contact and that you do not appreciate the blatant disrespect he is showing to you and your home.

Good luck mommy!

D.

I'm very sorry that this is happening to you. You know down deep inside it's never going to stop and in the long run you and those boys are going to be the ones that sufer. Never stay with him for the boys it's really not good for them. Your right, if he lied about this what else is he not telling you about. I hope you do what you feel is right for you no one else. Best of luck

I've being going through something similar. My H was having two (count 'em, two) affairs last year. I discovered them by accident, too. One was a 'serious' physical one, that laster over a year. with a woman I know- I won't call her a friend- the other,with an old friend of his was just emails and a few 'get- togethers'-just hugging and kissing, which I figured out from the emails he exchanged with this one. I confronted him on one, and then found out about the other,(physical one) confronted him, (and her) and they ended. He still likes to email his other female friends, meet them for lunch, and I know; talk about me and our problems. I'm not sure what to do either, except confront him again, though every time I do, it ends up being a discussion about my faults, and all that I did wrong. I know something was up last Friday, he didn't want me coming to work to see him for lunch. Made alot of excuses about not knowing how long he would be there, etc. I plan on another discussion soon- when the kids are out of the house, etc. I know what you mean about the "stupid look" on his face. The first time I confronted mine, his look was like that of a little kid caught with his hands in the cookie jar, all the time denying it was happening. Stay Strong.

Secrets secrets secrets... they are no good... your hubby is purposely keeping this secret "relationship" and lying to you about it. no good can come of this. Ask him would he be okay with it if you reached out to your x.. if he wouldn;t care.. that s a problem.. if he would care.. now he knows how u feel. If he values your marriage-- he should cut communication with her.. their relationship is over... reminiscing about a night under the stars is what we women do when we miss someone... want someone. She wants him. They should not be in contact.. so basically my advice is.. have a long talk with him about how it makes you feel to know that he is communicating with her.. don't fly off the handle just yet. Get some info first.. ask why is it necessary to talk with her? why he won't just let it go? what need does she fill for him?? I really hope he does let it go.... Marriage is hard enuf WITHOUT extra people involved. It will be 13 years for me this summer. Good luck K.!

L.

You only came across this because of a shared email account. So first thing is he can't say you invaded his privacy. You should ask him how he would feel if you shared personal info about your relationship with an ex. Also to only use his work email shows he is hiding something. You are in a marriage there should be NO secrets, especially when it comes to a relationship with the opposite sex. You should be upset. You do have the right to tell him again that he needs to stop talking to her. The fact that he told her to only use his work email after you confronted him shows he is still planing to talk with her. I would pretend you are leaving him. Pack the kids to go visit Grandmom for a night or two. Tell your hubby you have left him because of his dishonesty and disrespect for you and the kids. You need to make a huge statement to get his attention. Also you should check his cell phone for calls.
Good Luck.

Dear K.,
I'm sorry for what you must be feeling right now emotionally as you're not sure what to make of this. Do you have a pastor or counselor you could talk to. You need to share this with someone who will have the best interest of your marriage at heart to get this worked out.
Your husband should be willing to respect your feelings about this situation. How would he feel if you were taking phone calls only on your cell phone or found out you had an alternate email account set up that he was unaware of. Things between spouses must be open and honest so that love can continually grow and stand firm.
I pray your family the best and hope this situation will find resolve for you.

If he can't be honest about a simple friendship -- if that's what he's claiming it is -- I only have to wonder what more there could be. Even if you have flown off the handle about this type of thing in the past, he is still wrong for keeping this a secret. And it is certainly disrespectful of him to agree to cut contact and then go behind your back AGAIN and start up contact. Keeping these small secrets in a marriage can only make you suspicious and it is just not the best way to keep things together. I would absolutely confront him once again. I would explain to him how much it hurts your feelings that he has to keep this from you and that he feels the need to confide in an ex girlfriend, who is probably now single and how detrimental it is to your marriage. He needs to value you and your feelings - whether he necessarily agrees with them or not. Jealousy is the cause of so many problems and I believe that there is not alot of room for friendships between men and women who have a past together. He is married to YOU. He owes YOU the loyalty. If he needs someone to talk to, he needs to find a male friend - or if he thinks a man won't understand - maybe one of your girlfriends, a sister, sister-in-law or even a counselor. But he needs to understand how this makes you feel. It is not okay to keep secrets like this. You may not react the right way to it when you first find out and that may be something to work on, but the bigger and more important part of this situation is what is really going on, why is he keeping this stuff secret and why does he feel the need to continue contact with someone who obviously makes you feel uncomfortable. I would try hard not to overreact and flip out, but be calm and vulnerable and let him know how much you are hurt. I've seen too many relationships be torn apart over things like this. While I have email contact with an ex now and then (a guy I dated in high school so it wasn't even that serious), my husband always knows about it. We share pictures of our children (which I show my husband) and stories of how great our lives are and it is never to complain about my relationship. That is just not appropriate in any circumstance. Any woman who thinks you should keep your mouth shut because you may ruin your relationship is just plain CRAZY!!! You need to stand up for yourself or your H will just walk all over you. Be strong and make him understand that in no uncertain terms will this be allowed any further. If he feels it is necessary, then he will need to find out how much alimony and child support he'll need to be paying b/c you won't stand for it anymore. And trust me, having been in the legal field for many years, he WILL be paying!!! Hopefully, he'll figure out how wrong he is and how much he has to lose and change his behavior NOW, but even if he says he will..make sure he knows that you will be checking up on him and that he will need to let you do that until you can trust him again. IN fact, I would ask him to call her while you are there with him so you can talk to her and tell her that this is not okay with either of you and that she needs to butt out of your lives and marriage. Hope this helps abit. Be strong...like I'm sure you are!

Dear K.,
HI! I'm a 55 yo widow w/one teen and remarried. I had a 30-year marriage, before my beloved H got sick and died quite suddenly 4-1/2 years ago.

I must say, I don't like the sounds of this at all. I urge you AND your H to get into couples' counseling; this is a serious issue. H does not seem to realize he's seriously jeopardizing yours and his marriage; the secretiveness is not good. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck..... Trust your gut on this (I think you already do).

Find a counselor/therapist immediately! If your H won't go, then by all means go alone. Don't fight with him about it! Don't even confront him with the latest email (but yes, KEEP it). Calmly tell him that this is it and there's no other choice.

What he's doing is very sneaky and hurtful to you and the marriage; he's obviously eroded your trust and trust must be earned back. If it comes right down to it, tell him to LEAVE. I know that sounds harsh, but trust me on this one. He'll learn the grass is NOT greener on the other side; it's only weeds! His ex sounds like a real piece of work, too, but that's not our concern here.

See, the 10-year anniversary mark is quite dangerous for many couples. My late H and I separated for three months the summer before we were married 10 years. I was the one who left & the issues were different than yours. I knew I was taking a HUGE chance with this. After counseling, we got back together and never looked back. Luckily, this was the BEST thing I could have done for our marriage.

Sometimes, though, you have to take chances, even in your marriage.

Good luck to you, K., and God bless. Let us know what happens!

Pam H.
Westminster, MD

Hi K.,
I haven't read all of the responses, so... I think you and your husband should talk and talk about her. Don't let her be a secret. It is possible for two exes to be just friends. I know several situations where this is true, and the wives are having a hard times. They went through a lot and everyone needs someone who is not their spouse to vent to when there are issues at home. Why is he turning to her? What do the emails say? If there is some type of problem that he's having, perhaps helping to fix the issue will help curtail the need to be in contact with her.
Best of luck.
M.

hi K.,
firstly i'm so sorry you have to deal with this. it must be so hurtful.
let's look beyond the current issue to the underlying problem, your suspicions and his defensiveness. giving him ultimatums will not solve this, it will only make you feel as if you have to watch him more closely and he'll feel as if he has to be sneakier....and feel more justified in doing so! the problem is honesty and trust, and they're biggies.
counseling is certainly a great idea. you guys need tools in your tool box to help you get past this relationship-killer.
i'm not troubled by his friendship with an ex, but the furtiveness and dishonesty are a huge red flag for me. i totally don't blame you for having zero tolerance for that. unfortunately a hard line will only make him feel put upon and will likely result in him truly betraying you...and blaming you for pushing him to it.
the issue must be confronted head-on and forthrightly, but without belligerence. get some help. your hot temper is justified, but being right doesn't always mean a happy ending.
i wish you the best of luck.
khairete
S.

yeah he is cheating with her..you guys need to try to work it out if not...leave

Hello K.
I understand how you feel because I been though that with my husband we are still together but I had to let him know how I feel about all the secret that he is holding about his ex-wife, I ask him do he want her back and if that the case then he have to make some decision about us, and if it going to be us he had to let her go, just talk to him about her and ask him why is it so hard for him to leave her alone and if he say (it don't mean anything then why are you keep it private when you talk to her, you two should be able to talk about anything and that include ex's and respond to his answer accordingly. I hope everything goes well.
Ask God for help and keep praying on it he will giv you the right choice.

Trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't. Don't let your boys grow up in a home with secrets.

Hi K.,
Well for some reason he feels he needs to keep an open line of communication with he (have you ever asked why?) I agree with you and telling him to stop talking to her, but I guess he can't, so I would suggest you tell him that he can talk to her, but only if he uses an email address you can access, so that you feel comfortable with the relationship. He has to relize that keeping her private is not respecting your feeling or your marriage, but maybe telling him to cut all ties might put a big strain on your marriage and he will of course go behind your back. Now if he does email her in private then you will have to have a plan of action and stick with it. If there is nothing stinking go on then there is no reason you can't see the emails. I hope this works out, because I agree this would flip me out too. Hope I helped!

Hi K.: I have not personally had this sitution in my marriage but a close friend has. The bottom line is if your husband continues to keep in touch with his ex, lie to you about it and even after you ask him not to do it he continues, that is a clear indication of his regard for you and his marriage to you. What if the shoe was on the other foot (I'm not recommending this)? Nonetheless, you and your husband have some real honest talking and soul searching to do and I think you should seriously get marriage counseling (knowlegable, experienced independant third party). Good luck to the both of you.

A little about me: Working mom, 38, married 5 years and a 4 year old son.

Hi K.,

You are in a situation that is very common. Men are very secretive about their other relationships.

You can not control anyone but yourself!

Don't let this jealousy cause you to throw away your family. Aren't we big enough to have relationships with more than one person. I am taking out my time to write to you but I am not having an affair with you. I am concerned about your well being so I am responding to you.

Suppose I was a male instead of a female, would that make a difference to you?

Focus on yourself, and your children. Love your husband, he is not perfect. If he is writing e-mails , what is that? He is not really hiding anything from you because you know about it. Appreciate what you have with your husband and let the rest go. If you need something from your husband that you are not getting, then ask him for it. For example, time together, hugs and kisses. If you are not getting enough of these, then ask for them.

If you don't have enough to keep you busy, then join a civic group.

If you continue to be jealous, you will eventually destroy your marriage and the lives of your children. Get counselling to learn to accept that your husband loves you and appreciate what he gives you, he is doing the very best that he can.

Good luck and all the Best. D.

Hello

I went through the same situation back in Aug where my husband was emailing this woman that worked at his bank. I confronted him and his b/s reason was that he needed somebody to talk wo and if he was honest with me about having a female friend that I would fly off the handle. I also confronted her at her job but to make a long story short I was straight up with him I told him that I would not tolerate this and I cant move on that he has to prove his trust and love for me all over again. We went to marriage counseling which helped a great deal. I still have doubts but I put my trust into God to help me heal from the hurt that I was going through. I think you need to have a talk with him to let him know that you are not having it look him dead in his face and mean it. Do you have her phone number? I would contact her as well. If you feel that your marriage is worth fighting for then fight for it. I wish you luck and you are in my prays I know how you must be feeling. Please let him know that you are NOT PLAYING!

Well he is lying to save your feelings from being hurt or something else is going on. I would def call him out on it. I dont think any successful relationship can/could last with this going on, what ever his intentions are. Shame on him from trying to pull one over on you, your his wife. YOU COME FIRST. If he respects your marriage he will call it off and leave it alone. Sneaking only leads to you feeling like you have to snoop. He has messed with the trust between you. If everything is good between the two of you, he shouldnt need to sneak and have secretes or someone from his past in his life. If he knew it was making you crazy would be stop ? I knew a girl who found a letter from her husbands ex girl from high school, she contacted him though classmates, he never told her about it, said he was afraid to tell her he was curious to see what she was up too. Well say type of situation.... the girl was getting out of a relationship, and they ended up talking on the phone daily sometimes twice a day and then a bill came in the mail and his wife ended up getting it. It was a receipt for a spa for $150... does this still should like "just friends" I think its all meant to be innocent in the beginning but when you share things from the past and are going though a hardship and leaning on someone elses man... YOU ARE ONLY ASKING FOR TROUBLE> Your husband probably likes the new attention she is giving him ( dont we all )but those butterflys turn into mis leading feelings but by the time he figures it out, it could be too late. I would ask him to stop and to understand he has hurt your trust by lying. If he gets angry. I would right it off as guilty. If he is calm and understanding. Then you have nothing to worry about. And again, if they are just friends, why doesnt she come over, call on the house phone, or use a family email so its out in the open and they have nothing to hide. I would also try and give him some new attention to try and rekindle things, we tend to get in a rut and things get boring. That is if you think he honestly has nothing to hide. If he is also having issues, does he not have any other friends to talk to ?

Arguing with him is not going to help because he will keep on denying his relation with her.
By confronting him you have placed him in a position where He is with guilt, for he didn't expect to be caught. Men are like little kids whose first reaction is to be in denial instead of accepting their mistakes. He must realize he has a family and a loving wife and home and doesn't have to look elsewhere, who needs his love and support.
These type of women who prides themselves in destroying families are unstable emotionally and psycologically and their only source of survival is to leash on to good family oriented men.
You must try your best to be happy for "a happy person will make everyone around them happy".
Let your happiness come from within. You have to concentrate on your lovely boys by being the most affectionate and loving mom that there is. Be sweet and create harmony in your home. Eventually your H will realize the importance of family and hopefully will end this meaningless relation.
Being with someone who has a lot of psycologically baggage ( most of all from what you have mentioned about her) will put a strain on the relationship be it a fling or not. It is best to ignore as hard as it is and stop checking through the email this will only make you miserable and it will affect your family. I think your H has some issues that needs assisting to. Gentle talk to him, find out what bothers him and explain how his affair affects you and the family and how can you help. It could that he is giong through some problems at work etc. and the way to handle this is by hanging on to someone else. Women like her can be good listeners and then when the have captured the confidence of men who at the moment of their lives are feeling unstable they pounce on them.
Do remember that the kids can sense if you are not happy so place all of that energy on your family. Try to find a hobby or an activity to help distract you. Let him see you are above that. By ignoring his affair you are placing him in an embarrassing situation filled with guilt.
I hope my advise is of help to you. God gives the strengh to overcome these opstacles.

Theresa

I'm saying a prayer for you and your family. I can not imagine the shock and hurt you feel. You know you might need counceling to see if you guys can get back that tryst. It's hard to trust someone that has not been trusting. Trust is a big thing in relationships and if it's gone so is the relationship. I suggest counceling and then if you guys decide to not be togther get the boys in counceling too! May God bless you and yours!

K.: I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. When you confront your husband about his constant lying and disrespect, you should ask him whether this other women is worth breaking up his family and tearing apart your two sweet boys' lives. Is she that great and his feelings that strong that it's worth it? What is she offering him that he's not receiving at home? Stay strong and get a good support network for yourself. He's definitely got to a lot of work to do to repair the damage! Good luck.......

It sounds like you are both young and sometimes it takes men longer to cut ties than women. I'm not making an excuse for his behavior, just making a statement. He may feel that he's being a friend or big brother by providing a sholder to lean on and a listening ear. I think you should explain how much his behavior hurts you and ask how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. This may make him choose which is the most important - keeping the LASTING relationship you two have. Either way, the decision to cut the ties has to be his. The ex will keep on emailing as long as he says it's okay.