Nasty Letters

Not understanding why her siblings want her money. Inheritance is usually for the children of the parents, not the siblings of the deceased. Other than that, ignore them. This is silly.

Living well is the best revenge.

Drop it, move on with your life. Forget these people. They obviously aren't very nice and seem to be the ones doing the gossiping and backstabbing.

Regarding your mother's inheritance: Since she died before her own mother (your Grandma), it was up to her mother (Grandma) to decide what she was going to do with it. That she apparently gave your mother's portion to you was her decision to make. Obviously, Grandma agreed with you. Your mom's siblings are bitter and blame you. I don't think that's going to change. Time to move on.

Don't write your cousin back, don't call. You could talk until you are blue in face and it won't make one lick of difference.

Sometimes in life, we have to decide where we are going to focus our energies.

If it's true that you were caught off guard by your cousin's upset, and hadn't meant anything by asking after him through your aunt, let it go. It sounds like he has his own issues in that regard. If he's uncommunicative and then lashes out, my own life experiences would suggest he's got his own things to work out and is, for the moment, a pretty unhappy person.

From the sounds of it, the letter he send was not an olive branch extension, but a bridge-burner.

You don't need an unhappy person in your life. And while you might want to defend yourself (where he's incorrectly informed), what is the best possible result in this situation? Do you think he's as caught up in all the family inheritance drama, and that's what this is regarding? Was there something deeper?

It sounds, in any case, like your idea of writing it all out and letting it go (ripping it up or burning it) is a smart move. Self-preservation: you are getting your emotions out while not getting entwined in the family drama.

I come from a dramatic family too. It's good to know when to cut your losses and continue forward, happy with your own life.:)

Best,
H.

i wouldn't split my inheritance from my parents between their siblings...MY siblings YES, but not my parents siblings, they all have jobs, and are grown adults and will get inheritance from their parents when they die and i honestly expect to receive little to none other than sentimental items.

sad how much control money has over our lives.

You obviously had good intentions about contacting this cousin you miss so much. Given the time of year, this is especially the case, even more so after the recent loss of both mom and Gmom.

His chosen response was one of the many possibilities you could have expected and probably could have even rehearsed through in your mind.

He could have responded in kind - but did not. He could have responded with silence - where would that have left you...confused probably??? But instead he used it as an opening to vent all of his relationship disappointments right at you.

I'm curious, did he ever comment about your shared history and that he misses you too? If so, I see a small opening for reconnecting and putting differences aside.

I'm thinking, if he only used this opening to berate you, then it is probably best to walk away.

Money and wills and how they are perceived instantly make others grit their teeth b/c there are millions of examples of how these situations bring out the worst in people ALL the time.

Your cousin sounds like he has simply taken after the family's habit of tossing blame as if it is his inherent right.

What's interesting to note is WHY would he choose to parrot people in the family and others views rather than approach you directly? Why would he spread more gossip rather than confirm the details with you? Is this how the family always operates....just lots of gossip but no one contacts who their gossiping about?

And lastly, are you approachable? Would you listen with an open heart if s/o had a legitimate concern?

From my experience you'll always feel better responding at least once and saying your peace. Even though, like you said it won't do any good. I would construct the letter/email or phone call with a very short reply. I am sorry that you have misconstrued what the original intent of my email was. I truly miss our friendship and was hoping we could reconnect. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me for any wrong doings or hurt I have unintentionally caused you. If there is something to defend that you would like to at this point, go ahead. But just don't point fingers back in his face. Then leave it like that.

Family quarrels are no fun, I hope you can just let all of this go. Don't let it consume your life, and move on with the loved ones that are there for you. Good luck!

I would call him, or at least attempt to. If unsuccessful, I would then write back. Tell him that you were not talking "about" him but rather just mentioned that you missed him as you two were very close growing up. Tell him that you found his letter hurtful as you didn't realize he felt so negatively about you as you remember him very fondly. If there are things that are blatantly wrong (and are worth mentioning) tell him so and tell him that you would love a chance to get to know him again and catch up.

bieng on the flip side of this coin my so's sisters decided for him how the inheretance was to be handled. yes we are adults but we were in a very bad situation finacially and they knew it. it is not your place to support your aunts or cousins but why cant you help people who need it to get in a better position? the nasty letters are wrong but you decided to make the choice no matter who you hurt. long story short they knew what was going on (so's sisters) and could have helped us get money that wouldnt have cost them anything and they chose to be selfish and do it their way and make us suffer. they havent talked since and probably never will again. was your decision worth it or could you have been human and had a heart to help someone in need.

i would just walk away, horrid things come out when death comes.

Even though your mom is not alive and your grandmother passed after your mom, the inhertance could go two different ways. Depending if you have to go to probate court or not.

In most cases the inhertance your mom was suppose to get should go to HER kids, but in some cases, since your mom passed before your grandma, the money could go to the remaining children alive.

If I were you, I'd talk to a lawyer who deals in family law. Thats really the only option you have, since your moms siblings are being a pain.

As for your cousin emailing you, I would email him back, and let him know exactly what I thought and then be done with it. If you guys were really that close, it doesn't seem (to me) he would say any of that stuff.

My family is going through sort of the same thing. My grandparents both died recently (within a year of each other) and the grandkids don't get anything money wise, which is fine. But when it comes to the sentimental things, my uncle doesn't care if it means anything to us, he just wants the $$$$. What we want, has to come out of our parents money they are suppose to receive. My grandpa gave me 100+ year old Banjo that was his grandfathers, and I didn't want it when my grandpa was still alive, so I chose to wait until he had passed (I didn't want to take anything out of his house while hes still alive). My entire family knew I was suppose to get it when it was found. My uncle said NO, hes getting it appraised and whatever the money amount it's worth, I have to pay for. When he knew fully I was suppose to get it.

Family drama sucks, especially when it involves death and money. I personally haven't known one family who didn't get into a huge blowout when death and money were involved.

Wow..I am so sorry that your 'family' has put this kind of stress on you.

First off, I am sorry for the loss of your mother and grandmother. I love my mother in 05' so I have been there.

Second, if your mom had an inheritance of some sort, then it should go to her children, not to her siblings. That just sounds like them being petty and greedy. If she wanted them to have it, she would have left it to them. I wouldn't worry about hurt feelings in this instance because it seems as though they don't care about yours.

And in my honest opinion, I would cut off contact from that hurtful part of your family. This is, of course, your decision and a difficult one to make at that, but I can't see how such hurtful relationships as those would be good for you. As for your cousin, if you feel as though you need to respond to his hurtful letter, I would do so. But I would do my best to remain calm and indifferent and tell him that it was unacceptable and that he was misreading everything. And honestly? I would cut off contact with him too. You definitely don't need that kind of poisonous relationship in your life. For someone to become that upset because you asked a family member about this is ridiculous.

I am sorry that you have a difficult situation about all this. It's too bad we can't pick family.

I agree with Lynn M. - I'd email or call, letting him know that you were simply mentioning how you missed him to your aunt and point out that his letter was hurtful, that you don't know what he's talking about and you just wanted to catch up and all. I'd also contact the family lawyer. I'm guessing it's possible that since your mom passed before your grandma that your mom's inheritance might have been redistributed among the remaining siblings but I'd contact a lawyer to find out for sure.
Family drama - ugh! Good Luck!

It's clear that his response is more about whatever your aunt TOLD HIM you said than about your email. Sounds like she misconstrued the conversation and said a lot more than that you miss him, cause if you thought you both were close and he's digging up old stuff and saying you were always a bad person then some tongues have been wagging, and he just decided to let loose.

So, what would I do? If it sounds like I'm on the outs anyway and I'm being portrayed as the black sheep, then like the old song says I'd "give 'em something to talk about." I would write an open letter to the lot of them and vent it all. I would explain to my cousin that I thought I'd had a great relationship with him but that if he was disingenuous as to pretend to be my friend all along that I can do without that kind of deceit. And I wouldn't just talk about injustices I thought were done at my expense, I'd unleash every dirty family secret they'd all been hiding and perhaps been so sanctimonious about (like if Auntie Mame said this or that nasty thing about Brother John...). Then I'd tell them to ... well, you get the picture.

as i have said to a different mama: our friends and family are like a loaf of bread, some, you can enjoy them in chunks. some, in slices, and some in crumbs. sounds like he is a crumb.

Don't waste your precious energy on negative family members who are set in their ways! They are not going to change their minds so its not worth it. Don't stoop to their level. you know that you didn't do anything wrong and you know whos wrong and whos right. Don't bother with the nonsense. Play with your daughters and create the extended family that you want to have--forget this bunch. They are not worth it!

M

i didnt read all the responces, so if this is a repeat, sorry! if it was me, i would write brief rebuttals on the letter he sent you using a red pencil just like teachers do when correcting a paper. keep it simple ie: if what is written is a lie, put lie, if inaccurate, put inaccurate, etc! just to be mean i would probably correct all spelling and punctuation errors too! then put it back in its envelope, tape it shut, and write "no longer at this address" on it and put it back in the mail to him. I would not acknowledge any further communication from him, nor would i speak about him or any other family member to this aunt again. sorry your going thru this!