I just get this call from my brother, asking why I'm giving my mom a hard time about dinnertime Christmas Eve. EXCUSE ME?! Not only is she being completely disrepectful about MY family and my childrens schedules, she's calling the other family members and bitching about me behind my back.
I have to see all these people tonight for my sons birthday... and honestly, I don't have one nice thing to say (you know the saying, 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all'.... yeah) BUT I can't say NOTHING and ignore the verbal jabs I know are coming, because that's pretty rude too. I would never disrespect my family, let alone in front of other people, but I'm to the point I want to go hide in my bedroom while everyone's here because I want to avoid this mess altogether.
I am not eating dinner Christmas Eve at 6pm, when I told my mother we needed to be home by then. She takes these things personally, like I'm intentionally trying to hurt her, but she knew what our schedule would allow and directly and intentionally chose to go against what our time would allow. I'm at my wits end here, and I'd LOVE to give her a piece of my mind in regards to the nasty, finger pointing phone calls I'm getting from my father and siblings, because now I'm defending myself for... well, no good reason at all. This is the most immature, selfish thing she's ever done.
My mom is good at making people feel guilty, but my younger sister needs to be made to feel guilty sometimes. Another story though. But just tell them all at the same time what happened and let them do what they will. But if they start nonsense at the birthday party, I'd feel free to invite them to leave!
For your son's birthday, if you hear the comments that you expect to then simply respond "Today is about Johnny's birthday. We can discuss the Christmas issue later but not tonight".
Then, the next day, tell ALL of them "Regardless of what you have heard, I am NOT trying to be difficult. I told Mom what our schedule was in advance. She has decided to have the get together/dinner at a time that we can not attend. We are disappointed too but we can visit earlier and leave when you are about to eat dinner at 6 pm". End of discussion.
R.,
Calm down! Apparently your schedule does not fit with hers. Try to view this as if it were a friend hosting Christmas Eve dinner. If your friend said they were eating at 6, would you go? Would you go a few hours before that and leave before dinner? Would you pack meals and take them along and eat earlier at her house?
My best advice: either tailor the situation to suit you schedule or stay home & try to pop in on Christmas day for a few hours.
Don't drive yourself crazy like I do!
These tried-and-true, carved in stone, non-reality based "traditions" are the BANE of my existence.
Because none of my husbands family does a blessed thing all day or night on Christmas Eve, I <GASP> suggested that they all come to our home in the afternoon for gift exchange and a meal. Ending in time for SILs family to get to 6:00 church services. Well! You would have thought I suggested them chewing off their own arms and beating themselves with them! Why?
Here's the reason/logic I was given:
"My Dad doesn't want to leave his house on Christmas Eve and he will never open a present other than on Christmas Day."
Really?
Even if it makes life a lot easier on your son's family who have to do their Christmas morning with child, sclepp gifts over to inlaws and EAT and exchange there, schlepp all that stuff home, reload and schlepp to my family, eat and exchange, then schlepp all home ALL on Christmas Day???!!!
Maddening!
I guess I went off on a little rant there. Sorry.
Currently, they are "thinking about" my invitation and I suppose the decree will be handed down tomorrow.
"Fa la la la la......"
I would just follow what you have planned. Just say "Sorry Mom I told you my schedule so it was no surprize. " When the phone calls come from other family members I would let them go to voice mail. Just vow to go about your schedule and deal with it after Christmas.
And dont feel guily for living your own life with your family. :( Shame Shame on any "Mom" who tries to guilt their kids into coming over!!!
My mom tries that all the time. Tries to guilt me into taking my 6 kids to Minnisota and I live in CA. YEAH RIGHT...its cheaper and easier for them to come here. Not only that we share holidays and kids schedules with other parents.They are the ones who moved so far away. Should have thought about that before you moved.
Your mom's what you said she is - and I totally agree. I would let all calls go to voicemail or to the answering machine with the message stating your schedule & the reason why it cannot be deviated from.
I'm sorry she's doing this to you. And I thought MY mom was bad! :(
Also I am sure, you probably have to see your In-Laws??? Too, for the Holidays???? For your Husband's side of the family? She can't argue with that either... nor your family....
She did know your family's schedule and other commitments... so....
Tell them, stop bitching behind your back. Geez. They are not children.
she is doing to prove that she is still the mother my mom used to do this kind of stuff all the time right after we all moved and our kids were little. So here is what I would do. go to her house on Christmas eve, Tell her when you get there that this is just a quick trip dont worry about setting places for your family for dinner because you really cant be there and you already explained why. If she throws a fit leave, seriously pack up walk out the door.
Take the jabs, it's not that big of a deal. Just TELL everyone what YOUR PLAN is and be done with it. Here's your opportunity to tell them all you won't see them Christmas Eve this year.
I'm telling you, outside of tonight, call your mother and tell her you and yours are staying home because of all of the heartache. Period, end of story.
It took me about 40 years to grow a set and tell her 'no'. Why deal with the drama when you, hubby and kids can have a perfectly nice day on Christmas?
Seriously - JUST SAY NO!!!!
boy, families are so difficult! you do have to plaster a pleasant smile on your face and get through tonight, but you don't have to hide in the bedroom nor put up with jabs. have a firm 'dinner on christmas eve doesn't work for our schedule. let's focus on my son tonight, shall we?' and refuse to rise to the bait.
later you can pound pillows and stick pins in voodoo dolls.
i echo those who point out that your logic won't change an illogical person. it can be satisfying to unload on 'em, but won't ultimately do any good vis-a-vis changing their behavior. just make sure you are clear about yours, and move on to what makes YOU bliss about the holidays.
sorry you have to put up with this pettiness.
khairete
S.
Is your Mom trying to accomidate everyone or herself?
Parents forget that Kids schedules are VERY important and with some kids can take a week to correct 1 day of breaking that schedule.
I would do like Lynn M said. I would go for the time I had available, this would stick it to those who think you are trying to be difficult and see you are trying to compramise. and then after that I would ignore their calls, screen them. I have the same issue with my in laws; My family lives out of state, and my inlaws live 10 min. away. I have a child with major food allergies that they cannot/will not accomidate so I want everyone to come to my house where I can controll the allergin. They tell everyone that I am keeping the kids from them an that they "need to make an appointment" to come and see them. Well dropp in's are not wise seeing the kids are busy and we might not be home. They also tell others I favor my family because when they come in I will not cancel my families time for them. Selfcented people only see themselves and what betters them and that is all they will see. You need to see that that is what is going on or did she make a choice on a time that met the majority's needs or is she being self centered.
Keep to your time schedule.
Ugh! I was hoping you would post an update!
I think your mom and my mom should be friends. She dishes out guilt trips like she's getting paid.
Any mention of Christmas would get a "We are not talking about Christmas at Johnny's birthday party" and leave it at that. Any discussion can take place tomorrow and stick to your guns! Good luck!
I would drop a quick email to the family ( and hopefully the get it before coming) stating that tonight is about your son and nothing else, no exceptions. I would also state your side of the dinner in it in a non confronting way, leaving the emotions out of it. That way they can see your side of the story with out you getting mad while they are jumping you. Hopefully they will see and understand your side of it. If they don't then there is really nothing you can do but atleast you tried!
