Last weekend my husband got a virus or sinus infection. He went to the ER, in an AMBULANCE. Whenever he gets sick, you would think the world is coming to an end. If he goes outside in the cold, he will then complain that it ruined his health and he is now coming down with something. He is the type who will read about brain tumors on WebMD and then be convinced he has all the symptoms. A few years ago, he began complaining of dizziness. He went to the ER multiple times. He visited numerous specialists. This is when we were newly married and at first I was supportive. They tested for all kinds of neurological disorders, all of which came back negative, but of course, he never believed that he was not sick. It finally became apparent that he was pre-diabetic and his symptoms were caused by changes in blood sugar. But even after they diagnosed that, it took a long time for him to get over his ER visits and his specialist visits. I insisted that he needed to see a psychiatrist for his anxiety about illness, but the psychiatrist apparently didn't really think he had a true psychological problem. On our taxes that year, he was able to claim $40,000 in medical expenses. He also missed a lot of work, and he ended up having to leave that job a couple of years later because he did not get promoted on time. Although he gets angry when I suggest this, I can't help but wonder if all that missed work and hysteria about illness had something to do with it.
His father died when he was 11, and his brother died of an unexpected heart attack at the age of 34, and I know that this history has a lot to do with his hypochondria. But that knowledge isn't getting us anywhere.
Now we have a one year old. Because I want my husband to do well at his new job, I have never insisted he get up at night with the baby. I stay home and I am 99% responsible for his care. I rarely get a break. Last weekend, when he had the sinus infection, he claimed he was too dizzy and sick to even pick him up. This week, my son got the stomach flu, then I got it. For the 8 straight hours that I was throwing up, my husband DID help with the baby, except when he needed to nurse. Now he has the stomach flu, although he didn't throw up. I let him rest all night and today. I kept the baby away to let him rest, even though I still feel kind of sick myself. But he is carrying on like he is dying, and of course it has become another weekend without any break for me at all. I am so resentful, I am furious! His past history has a lot to do with it, but I can't help but feel he is being ridiculous. He constantly moans that I am not sympathetic to him when he doesn't feel well, and I guess I no longer am. I am sleep deprived, I get sick, too, but I still have to care for the baby. I can' t stop myself from comparing the number of hours I was "allowed" to be sick with the number he is "allowed" to be sick.
I know men like to be babied when they are sick, but I have a real baby. This post was mostly just a vent, and thanks for listening! But if you have any advice or similar experiences, I would love to hear it!
He feels terribly guilty over things he had no control over and could not fix. There is an amazing therapy called "EMDR" and it is helping people with a myriad of problems.
YIKES!! I don't know what to tell you other than I'm sorry!!
This has to suck! My husband is the antithesis of your husband - he would REALLY have to be on his death bed in order to go to the doctor - let alone be taken to the hospital via an ambulance!!
Can a doctor prescribe him some anti-anxiety meds? I don't even know if that would help with hypochondria!
HUGS!!!
I am a man. My wife says that I too am a baby when I get sick. I believe in shutting it all down until I feel better, and not going to work to infect others. But she's probably still right.
If this were the issue, my advice would be to tell him to sack up and be a man.
$40,000 in medical expenses now affects the business you two run as equal partnership. $40,000 is unnecessary expenses is easily enough to bankrupt you two. It's time for a VERY SERIOUS discussion.
"We are going to marriage counseling. I believe you have a condition, one that unfortunately tricks your brain in believing your body has other illnesses. If you were an alcoholic, I would demand treatment. If you were a diabetic, I would demand treatment. I love you, but you have a condition which makes your brain believe you're ill.
Untreated, this condition cost us $40,000 last year. Immediately we need to see a marriage counselor, here's the page in the phone book. From there, we're going to figure out the next step to treat your illness."
If he says no - then you go by yourself. Saying the word divorce is ok. I don't think you need to threaten it, but you need to impress the seriousness of the situation upon him. "I don't ever want to leave you, but this is the first time the word divorce has entered my brain. I don't like it and don't want to think about it - that's why we ARE going to marriage counseling."
It sounds like he has a full-blown anxiety disorder. Get him to a psychiatrist, stat! It'll probably be the ONE specialist you can't convince him to go to. LOL
Seriously, though, anxiety takes an ENORMOUS amount of energy to sustain, and you never realize how bad it was until you are better. Both hubby and myself have anxiety issues, so I feel your pain. Good luck!
I am sure it's hard to deal with all that. To help him, give him the FACTS of that proclaimed illness. It will help to know that what he has does not match it. Don't deny or tell him he doesn't have it, because he is already convinced he does, and it will only get worse. He is the only one who can process the positive information in his mind to counteract the negative one he has going. So give him assurance, assurance and assurance. Don't ever tell him he does not have what he thinks he has. Give him proof.
You are dealing with a combination of things. On one hand, dizziness is no laughing matter. I have gone through some horrible dizzy spells and it always makes me feel weak and like I'll throw up and pass out. I can't pick up children when like that either. Frankly, it makes me very irked that you don't get that. BUT, I understand what it's like to be a mom and sick.
Today I am on day 2 of a sinus infection. I'm tired, dizzy, head achy, and I've had to do dishes and everyone has left my grandson with me. He has the same head cold/infection. So I guess they figure that while I'm going through box after box of tissues, I may as well take care of him and his nose and his moods too. I'm just LUCKY to have the day off today which is so rare. I only get 2-3 days off per year. So don't think I don't sympathize with you.
However, what I really want to tell you is that the mind is POWERFUL. I have been healed of a great deal of pain and insomnia in this last year. I have been so healthy for the first time in 20 years that I am pretty well flabbergasted that I actually got sick this weekend. I let my guard down.
Go to www kcm org put in the dots of course. Buy their 10 day healing action plan. Get your husband to listen to it, work the booklet, and most of all, let him know that it WORKS. If you can get him to believe that healing will come and that he'll feel like a million bucks, you both will be a lot happier.
Sounds like he needs a Therapist.
You should try and find a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders. When I first started having issues with anxiety...I was determined it was physical because it couldn't all "be in my head". So I had a small hypochondriac period when I was determined I had "whatever" it was...that was causing the anxiety.
Nope it was stress and adrenal glands firing off fight or flight reactions and my tired mind...that was causing my anxiety...it was in my head...not in a physical sick way (although I had physical symptoms)...it was all in my head.
I will tell you once I got some medication to help me calm down and my mind to begin to heal and my body to heal from all the constant stress that it was going through...wow, I was a different person.
I went off the medication after a time. I never had a therapist...but I know if I had had one it would have helped me heal even sooner. Look into CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) therapy for anxiety. I did some CBT workbooks on my own and they helped me as well. Also, Dr. Claire Weekes...wrote some great books on anxiety.
Are we married to the same man? My husband's hypochondria also drives me nuts. He is always convinced he has a tumor somewhere, and goes to docs for crazy reasons. Once he went to the doc because his poop was slightly softer than he thought it should be. When we had our first baby, I came home one day to the door unlocked, the baby screaming in her swing, and him upstairs on the phone moaning to his sister about his stomach pains. What stinks is the docs that don't realize that he is a hypochondriac and feed the illness. Another time when he was dehydrated and got dizzy he went to urgent care and has since referred to that as his "near death experience." Like the little boy that cried wolf, when he did have appendicitis, no one believed him, and he won't forgive us for it. It took some asking around but we finally found a psychiatrist who is a good fit for him and realizes the degree of anxiety he experiences due to the hypochondria. It has taken several trials of meds but thankfully the lexapro is helping. Every time he talks about stopping seeing his psychiatrist I just shake my head and say when was the last time you thought you had a tumor? I have to have a MRI tomorrow because my blood pressure is so out of control and he has started saying how he thinks he should have one too to make sure the tumors are all in check. My question for you, do you know what he talked to the psychiatrist about? I am betting that he didn't give him the entire picture. I don't know how many times my husband has started in on a health complaint and I have asked him did you talk to your doctor about this? His answer is no, we just talked about where I should live. So you may need to find a psychiatrist that specializes in anxiety and go with him his first visit. I know my husband never realized what a drain he could be until his father sat him down one day and said, "I don't know how your wife puts up with you and these silly complaints."
ok, so you know you have a hypocondriac ( notice how it has the word CON, in it)you know he has a problem, but nothing short of a stick on dynamite in his shorts, is going to make him realize that the problem is from the neck up, not the neck down..dont hit the delete key just yet, my first mil was a hypocondriac,so i can give you a few pointers on how to stay sane with a person who loves going to the doctor. first, the next time he says"i dont feel well" you say, "thats too bad, i guess i will go out to dinner by myself", if you refuse to give him the TYPE of attention that he wants, he will eventually figure it out.
K. h.
You say he saw a psychiatrist before and s/he didn't see a problem? Or maybe your husband just didn't want to confront it and told you that's what they said.
He needs to see another therapist. It's not fair for you to live like this, you need to tell him that and I hope he loves you enough to get some help. I know men are babies when it comes to being sick but this is too much. I have a daughter with an anxiety disorder so I know how hard it is and how much stress it can be on the family.
In the mean time (once you are feeling better) TAKE a break a few nights a week, and at least once on the weekend. Go to the store by yourself, go for a walk or a workout with a friends. You need some time to yourself and your husband needs to realize he is a parent too. You will run yourself down and your marriage will suffer even more if you don't. If you are breastfeeding take off after a nice long feed, the baby should be good for at least an hour or two.
Good luck!
I agree with you whole heartedly, men are wimps when they get sick. I am mom of three and work full time. Husband gets sick, stays home all day unable to do anything on his own, I get same illness/ symptoms, I still go to work, take care of kids, do supper, etc. LOL. I think in the last three years I have stayed home only twice.
What can we do? I have no idea, if someone has the answer please share it with us I would like to know.
