Suddenly Stepmom! How Can I Bond?

Wow! I thought I was the only person in the whole world that went through this problem. My husband and I were married two and a half years ago. He has a daughter from a previous marriage. She was 12 when we got married. She has absolutely no discipline either. Her mother has taken the Gilmore Girls best friend approach and given all discipline up. And my husband had the same problem for a very long time. I looked at the situation and decided that I was the only person that would discipline her and proceeded to do so. That was about the WORST thing I could have done. Not only did it make my step daughter hate me, but it made my in-laws upset with me and put my marriage on the line more than once (about 10 times)
After two and a half years of being upset and fights and hurt feelings on both sides I think I may have figured it out. As much as I want to discipline her I just can't. Not only does it make me the evil step mother but it actually back fires. Because it's me that did it, she did the exact opposite and because her parents saw that it was me doing it as well, they didn't enforce the discipline. So everytime my step daughter came over I dreaded it. It was horrible.
So after my long story, what advice do I have? I have learned that she is not my daughter, but somehow she's still one of my kids. I have no right really to discipline her. DO NOT discipline. It has to come from your fiance'. Be your step son's friend, in an adult way. I have worked very hard though to have a strong friendship with her. It's tough though. Sometimes she's just nasty for no reason. I have had to learn to become the adult in the situation. The thing that has amazed me though is I have still been able to be a strong force in her life. I have been able to talk to her and help her in ways that her parents have not. We've been able to talk about drugs, and sex, and alcohol and even how she feels about her parents. I've been able to show her that her dad loves her more than she realized. The thing that I learned is she actually craves the discipline, but it can't come from me. The only discipline I offer is reasoning as far as some of her faults. I kind of offer consequences that could happen outside of her discipline. As far as her grades (which are horrible) I show her college acceptance requirements. I explained that they would be looking at her grades and she would not have a chance to sit down and show them how So smart she really is. I explained that it was all based on forms.
I have helped my husband try and see the behavior that I saw and helped him try and understand how to deal with it. He really didn't understand what I saw with my "outside eyes" or how to deal with it. So a little help from behind the scenes has taken care of the problems. And the other thing is look for the positive. I saw so much negative in my step daughter that I could hardly be in the same room with her. But when I started looking for her positive traits I began to love her as my own.
I also suggest family therapy. But generally I think it should be with the mother, the step son/daughter, and the father. I think that if there is a discipline problem and tantrums there's probably a much deeper issue. If it was a nasty divorce or there is nastiness between them the children pick up on that. I think it's very important for both parents to be in contact. No matter how good the children are they will still play the parents against each other. So it's best to work out those issues asap.
Also, never say anything negative about his mother, in front of him. No matter your feelings towards her. I really can't stand my husband's ex wife, more for her mothering attitudes, than for the reason that he's my husband's ex wife. However, I have nothing but praise for her in front of my step daughter. Even when she asks if I don't like her. It's tough, but no matter her feelings for her mother at the moment she is incredibly protective of her parents to the other.
This is how I have dealt with my particular family. But each family is different. I was recently cleaning out my bookshelves and I laughed at the step mom books that I had bought. I'm sure their advice worked for their family, but not for mine. I hope this helps.

I don't have step kids but I can give you my experience since I was about that age when my dad re married. It hurt me inside that he was giving his attention to another women bec. he was my daddy. I was very sad and angry about my parents divorce and to top it off I had to also deal with a step mother. I hated her for many many years. I don't believe that single parents should re marry until their children are 18 and out of the house because it creates a lot of problems. A perfect example is the problem you are going through right now. My suggestion is don't say anything to your step son. He is not your son and he has the right to be afraid and angry. I don't understand why we adults do all these crazy things in our lives (like have children out of wed lock or divorce and re marry) and expect our children to just chug along like they are supposed to accept it all. This is a very difficult situation for your step son. Dad better get involved and not expect for you to be an enforcer in your step sons life. Trust me that will not go over in a positive way at all. If you try to be a parent to him he is going to resist you like the hoover dam. Be a friend when he lets you. Other than that keep out of it. Not only does he resent you but in reality you have no right to say anything to him.

I think you know what you need to do as reflected in your statement: "I just want us to start out as friends before I try with the discipline."

As this boy's stepmom, it is best if you do not become a disciplinarian to him, especially in the earlier stages of your marriage. You can certainly discuss (alone!) with your husband what rules you and he would like to enforce in your home together, but he is the one, as this boy's father, who needs to carry out discipline, not you! You certainly have a right to remind your stepson of the rules of your home and acknowledge that they might be different from the rules at his mother's home, but as far as doling out discipline, that is not the role you should be taking on if you want to avoid creating a tense and adversarial role between you and your stepson and you and your husband!

Try to spend some time getting to know him, just you and he, without your daughter or your husband present. Be open to however he reacts to you. Allow him to feel whatever he feels, but maintain that he treat you respectfully and appropriately, otherwise his father will have to talk to him further about that. If he is angry, do not respond in kind. Show him he can be unconditionally accepted by you, but do stand gently firm in maintaining appropriate boundaries within your home.

I recommend seeking the advice of a marriage and family therapist in your area that can help you and your husband learn to more effectively how to blend your new families together!
Some places to search:
www.therapistfider.com
www.psychologytoday.com
www.family-marriage-counseling.com
www.counselsearch.com
www.networktherapy.com

Good luck!
S. M. Wolf, M.A., MFT

Hi S.,

I am a stepmother to two girls, ages 12 and 8. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and also have a 4 year old daughter. I have a good relationship with both my stepdaughters, which I am very proud of because they are being primarily raised by their mother, whose choices I don't necessarily agree with.

First and foremost, my husband and I sat down to be sure that we were both on the same page as far as parenting goes. We have certain rules in our home that we have with our 4 year old, and when the two older girls come to visit, they know that the rules apply to them when they are under our roof as well. If we had different sets of rules for the children, we would all be miserable, and as you can imagine, all become frustrated with each other.

I do not try to parent my stepdaughters, but I talk to them and try to be a role model to them. If they have questions about why certain things are the way they are, I take the time to explain it to them. When they go back home to their mom, they may go right back to doing things how they normally do them, but you know what? They respect me and respect how my husband and I set up our home. This has allowed me to have a good relationship with them.

It is important that you and your fiance find a common ground when it comes to both of the children involved. If that doesn't happen, the problem will never go away. Also remember... marriage and family -especially blended families- are always work and never easy, but if your family life is important to you, you do what it takes to make it work! Good luck!

Dear Suddenly step-mom,
I also was a step mom 4 years ago to a 12 yr old boy and a 4 yr old boy at the same time, however I had no children of my own. If your step -son is over weight then the bio-mom is really not paying very much attention to him in the first place.
I had a situation where I was intergrated into an instant family, and the older boy was totaly disreguarded by his mom while the younger boy was pretty much spoiled and taught by the bio-mom to treat the older boy as bad as she treated the older boy. Then my husband (then fiance) fell ill and I became instant Single mom.
You have a situation that your step son is only given pacifiers (probably to keep him out of the bio-moms hair) in the way of candy, food, and T.V. this has been trained into him from very young.
I bet that Bio-mom has never tried to play a game with him, or get him interested in anything. It takes time to get a sedate child to start excercising. Excersising his mind is first. How does he get along w/ your daughter?
Does he play games? Video games?
What is his modivation besides food? before I can help you more I need to know a little more about him. and how long have you been a part of this family? Live in wise, not just g-friend. How long have you been a solid entity? These are all inportant factors. Also...it is good to become the friend, but never forget that in the end you are the parent. And it would help to get your daughter involved so that when you are giving him the extra attention that he probably needs that she does not feel left out or replaced. I know this is alot at first, but you can do it an love will prevail. How do you talk to him (honestly) as a child, or as an adult? I mean do you simplify things for him, or speak to him as you would your own pier? This is important.
Have you ever heard his Bio-mom speak to him? Does she talk "down" to him?
We will probably have to have several e-mails between us to get this rolling for you, I am willing to help, if you are open to being real. What do you say?
I started my bond with a female shy boy by simply playing with him....I have asked some ?'s, and the answers will help me help you.
There is many steps, bonding is first, then comes direction, also ther does come a time that yoou must get you fiance involved, and having open conversations with your soon to be husband are imparitive for all relations involved.

Wow! Your post really touched my heart. I have a step-daughter who is 10. I have known her since she was 18 months or so. I also have a daughter who is almost 15 months. My husband and have been married for 6+ years. You are fortunate to see how your fiancee interacts with his son, as I was not that fortunate. My husband just wants to be his daughter's friend, not discipline her, etc. I now dread when she comes over to our house.

This has caused incredible problems in our mariage. We are going to counseling, but I do not knwo where we will end up. I would certainly talk this through on a VERY in depth level with a therapist and your fiancee. This is going to have a huge affect on your daughter as she grows up with this spoiled step-brother.

I know that there are ways to WORk through these issues, but it is going to take an immense amount of WORK. If your fiancee is not willing to make some changes that will benefit his son, your daughter and most importantly, your marriage, then I would say to walk away while you can- this is tooooooo important to think that it will resolve itself!

Hi, Wow, a step mom huh?? Well let me tell you a little story.. at goes something like this.. My husband, who I have been married to for almost 17 years now(yeah!!) was 19 years old when I met him and he already had 2 children by this point. A beautiful little girl who was 18 months and
was spoiled rotten by both sets of grandparents if that girl wanted something she got it, and discipline.. please, she did what she wanted and how she wanted it, she was on a bottle til she was almost 3 and did i mention that her front top teeth had to be capped cause they were rotten...and also there was her 4 month old brother who was just chubby and happy as long as he was fed and changed he was good..
Now their mom who was only like 17 at the time, was still a baby herself and odviously had no structure or rules because her mom let her go at 15 to try and have a little family with someone who was'nt even a man himself. Needless to say, I was very apprehensive to go any further with him, I had never dated anyone with kids, much less 2 of them. Their mom was a bomb waiting to explode.. their relationship was highly volitle. We got married when the kids were 3 and 4.. I established a relationship with them, they knew me as C., until we married, they were not my responsibility up until that point.. But once we were married I sat them both down and told them, I love you both very much and now that daddy and I are married we are a family, you can call me C. or mom.. your choice.. I never talked about their mom, I never over rode her decisions but if it was my husbands time with them we did things our way.. they lived one way with their mom and one way with us.. believe it or not, kids can adapt.. You have rules for your daughter, so there for your step son should have the same rules... under the same roof children should all be treated the same! You need to speak your mind to your fiancee if it is a problem now it will always be a problem. Trust me, I had problems with these kids and their lack of structure. I have always worked with kids I have been in and out of the childcare business for 20 years... My husband agreed and so did my in laws.. I am not saying our way was best, but it worked for us. and the kids always adapted... they have such a extended network of family members, they adapted to my folks who as far as they are concerned our their grandparents too. for a long time they were the only 2 grandkids... Your step son should be treated as a equal... No favoritsm.... He will warm up i would think.. maybe he does not ride a bike because no one has ever given him a reason to know that is fun.. maybe he eats too much because his mom is too busy to do anything with him beside feed him and pay the electric bill so he can play his video games... you need to reach out to him.. be his friend and hopefully when you are married to his dad you will not only be his friend but his "other" mom too.. it worked for me, my kids all of them refer to me as mom... alot of time we have to tell people whom dont know our story that i am their step mom.. but to be honest, i have cried, yelled, worried and loved those two beautiful children of mine just as much as i love my 2 biological children their dad and I have had... when people ask how many kids I have i tell them 4.. cause thats the truth! I hope this little story will help you... Good luck...

I too suddenly became a stepmom. I'd say just treat him like you treat your daughter. don't do the discipline stuff yet. its probably his way of actihg out over the divorce. you could make food fun - like two eggs as eyes and maybe turkey bacon for a mouth. My only suggestion would be for you to talk with your fiance about your thoughts but don't put him on the defensive. I'd be happy to chat more. My hubby is standing here waiting for me to finish.

V. T.

You cannot discipline the boy ever. It is up to the father and if he doesn't see it, it will cause serious problems in your relationship. Being "madly in love" will wear off soon if you are forced to be with a boy who in your own words is "overweight and eats too much, watches too much tv, isn't all that great in school, and is pretty spoiled, throws tantrums when he doesn't get candy/his way/new toys/ etc." He will resent you. Please trust me on this. Do you ever watch Dr. Phil? He has done several programs on this topic alone and the one thing I have learned from him is that the natural parent must be the disciplinarian. The boy will view you an an intruder--it seems as though this is already happening. Tread softly and I wish you luck on this one. pj

I'm not a step-mom but I had a step-parent and I was a teacher for many years so I've seen a lot of family dynamics. The most important thing I can say to you is it's not your place to discipline this kid. Maybe his parents haven't done a good job but if you try to jump in and fix it, you're going to ruin your chances of a good relationship with the kid. His parents made mistakes and they're the only ones who can remedy the problems you are seeing. Also, I know this is hard but if you are judging him, he can certainly feel your disapproval even if you're not saying anything. If you truely want a good relationship with him, you're going to have to work on accepting him just as he is. I'm sure there are things he doesn't like about you, you can be a role model for how to let go of judgements and accept each other as you are. Good luck!

Let him come to you. I am proud stepmom of 2 for 11 yrs now. There is time when he may use the 'your not my mom phrase.. but don't worry about it.
Ask him questions that will require more then one word answers. And have patience

When I met my husband he had a 6 yr. old boy. I found myself in the same situation as you. We had difficulities for a long time and finally looked to counseling for help. It was a life changing experience. My husband was able to see that parenting includes what's best for the child, not just being his friend. My husband didn't want to push issues because of the short time he had with him as well. After counseling we were able to work together better w/o the fights or hurt feelings. We were able to sit down and state what we wanted w/o the personal opinions and the counselor was able to guide us on what was helpful or what was just nit picking. As far as bonding goes, I would take baby steps. Perhaps try to open up by spending the day w/ just him and your daughter. When dad is not around he will be forced to communicate and depend on you, not just turn to dad. He will get a feel of your parenting by watching you w/ her, then on the next occasion, have him pick the event so he feels more important. Eventually you will be able to do things w/ just you and him even if it's just playing a board game like Battleship. For eating, perhaps you could get some recipe books for kids. Have him and your daughter each pick out a recipe. I think that if he does things w/ you and your daughter he will fit into the family unit more. Kids love to help in the kitchen and eat the fun creations they have made. I think once he sees how easy it is that he is eating healthy and feeling good about it the more success you will have.
~B.

Oh S. ~ I don't have step kids I do however have 2 kids of my own, their faither and I divorced 16 years ago and I have been married to my husband for 5 1/2 years. He does not parent my kids. They have a dad and he is not and was never allowed to discipline my kids or parent them. He however is a positive male role model for my girls and has a very good relationship with both (now 18 and 21).

Perhaps you and your future husband should seek counseling with a therapist who specializes in blended families.

I'm sure you will figure out, I'm a little upset. You see, you really lay out all the faults of this 10 year old little boy. Why is that necessary? No parent, not even you, wants to hear negative things about their child. If you speak this way to your fiance, you will certainly have problems in your marriage, if you're not already. Being "madly in love" is not going to help this situation.

As someone else mentioned, check out a Dr. Phil episode on stepparents. The step parent should not be disciplining the child at all. If you have a problem with the boy, you should bring it up to your fiance and let him and the "mother" deal with it. Evaluate your parenting styles and make sure you are both on the same page. Giving your opinion to the dad is fine, but of course never in front of the child. Ultimately, how the boy is raised is up to your fiance and the mother of the boy. You just need to set a good example, be his friend. Parent your daughter and he will see by example.

Perhaps you might look at the positive things about your future stepson and focus on those and praise him for the good things about himself.

It is so hard being a parent and I cannot imagine the difficulties of step parents, but honestly, try loving the boy and encouraging him and speak nicely of him when you talk to others. I'm sure your parents taught you "If you don't have anything nice to say. . . " Basically, I guess I would not be so upset if you had mentioned one, just one, positive thing about this 10 year old little boy.

You can certainly parent your own child and with her being 3, you have 15 years to mold her into the smart, healthy, well-adjusted, respectful, non-television watching child that you want your stepson to be.

Good Luck and let me know the name of your book!

My best friend is in a very similar situation, only about 5 years farther into it than you are. I strongly recommend counseling before you get married, because you are about to enter a tough situation. You and your fiance have very different approaches to parenting, and you are right to be concerned about it. It will affect not just you and your stepson, but your husband and your daughter too. The marriage will be off to a much better start if you explore the issues of your role as stepmom and his role as stepfather and come to a common understanding about those roles before you move in together and this all comes to a head. Even then, it won't be easy. He has chosen a path of least resistance with his own son, and it's clear that this is not the same choice that you would make in his place. As his wife, will you join him in this path? Or will you become the wicked stepmother by default, simply by enforcing very basic rules such as not saying yes to candy whenever it is requested? And what will either of those choices mean for your own little girl? Is there some alternative that you and your fiance can choose together? The two of you need to make some important decisions about parenting. Please make them before you get married, and with the guidance of a profesional. It's really hard to talk about these kinds of issues on your own. I wish you great luck and success.

S.,
It's hard responding to this because all I have is my experience to offer and maybe what I should have done different. I was with a man for 8 years and when we first met his children were 9 and 6. The 9 year-old girl was great and well-disiplined and loved me being around. The 6 year-old boy was loving in the beginning but was...well, everything you described. The father was exactly the same way you're describing as well. He didn't want to ruin his time with his kids so he didn't disipline very much. Things do not work themselves out if you just ignore them. If you're having issues now, they're not going to get better. As this boy grows into a teen it's definitely going to get harder. My 8 year relationship ended in divorce (for a few other reasons) but I strongly recommend getting counseling for all of you. I went to counseling but the father and son didn't think it would do them any good. Of course, they thought the problem was all with me. Well, I've been out of the picture for 3 years now and the boy who is now 17 has never changed. The father has always assumed the "friend" role and that's what happens. Sorry this was long, but I really do wish you the best. Lots of talking and counseling. You and the father have to agree on parenting or at least find a common ground. Also, try not to argue about the situation in front of the kids because that will only make things worse. Take care!

J.

It's unfortunate that you are the only one that is concerned about discipline. It would be helpful if your soon to be husband gets on board. As your child becomes older she'll see the privliges her step brother recieves, and this may cause a problem down the line.
I would suggest meeting him where he is at. If he likes t.v.,is there a show you guys can watch together? He likes candy, maybe you can research candy, visit the Jelly Belly factory..... He is not a good student, maybe you can play games in which he is learning, but doesn't even realize it. Maybe there is a book on CD that you all can listen too, or have him read to your daughter and make it so that he is really helping you out. It takes time to bond. I had five step children once, even when the dad and I seperated I was still very close to two of them.

I was in the same situation as you...While my husband and I were still engaged, we started realizing that his kid's living situation with their mother was not the best thing for them. We knew that after we got married, we would try to get custody of them. the kids were 6,7,9 and 10 (the 10 year old being the only girl). When they came to visit, my fiance wanted to make the best of their time together, so we did things we thought they would like. We didnt descipline them much unless there were fights/arguments. We did try to teach them some stuff, but we realized that whatever we did try to teach them wouldnt stick because we only got about 1 1/2 days with them every 5 or 6 weeks (they lived 5 hours away). some history: they didnt know how to brush their teeth, or that it was important (we would send them home with tooth brushes and the next visit they would say they didnt know where they were-they lost them), they would eat fast food or a baked potato for dinner, their house was filthy, they were always sick, they didnt have to go to school if they didnt want to and didnt do their homework. THe second oldest was flunking out of fourth grade, and the kindergartener had already missed 20 days. THere was no discipline and no boundaries.
One month before our wedding, their mother called and said she couldnt do it anymore and to come get them. We dropped everything, moved into a bigger place, bought them beds and went to get them. THree weeks later we got married. It's been a year and a half now, and things are really going well. This is what we did.
We started slow in the discipline because we didnt want them to say they wanted to move back with their mom--that couldnt be an option. We let the kids come up with house rules (with our help) and we posted them so everyone knew and remembered. I started talking to them about nutrition and now they are reading labels and dont want to eat fast food at all. They now brush their teeth, make their beds, clean up after themselves. we also enrolled them all in Tae Kwon Do which they do every day.
The oldest boy is now 11. He took the longest to really open up to me and bond with me. Im sure it's because of his age. THe younger two are 7 and 9. They both call me mom and they all tell me they love me. I discpline them all just as if they were my own kids...and they are in a way. The oldest, our girl, decided to live with her mom when she was 12. We didnt want her to go, but knew that at 12, she can legally make that desicion.
So, my advice to you is to go slow with any discpline. If he doesnt live with you, I dont think there is much you can do. Except having house rules...when you are at our house, we expect this and that. This is what we are eating, if you dont like it...
If you place too many rules on him, then he wont like to visit you guys and he wont have any kind of relationship with his father. For you to be a good role model for him, you need to be his friend first. This takes time. A lot...It will get better. Our oldest boy was chubby when he came to live with us, and now he isnt. He probably still eats the same amount of food as he did with his mother, but he's active.
M.

I had a 13 year old stepdaughter that lived with us for a year and a half until her dad and I split. This is a very difficult situation, and touchy for the child. He needs to be reminded that you are not taking the place of his mom because he does have one that he sees nothing wrong with. This is the first step, once you have this then you and his dad HAVE to set rules in your house, and he must follow them or things will be taken away. CANDY, TOYS, ect... If he can't follow the rules then he can not come over!!! I know it sounds harsh but he will get it, and start following the rules. With us I always stayed at a friendship level with her, when she did something I did not like I went to her dad. But it was mostley attitude, but not toooo bad as long as I ASKED her to do things and did not TELL her to do things. She had her chores she knew she had to do. Keeping room clean and picking up dog POOP, which she hated but those where administered by her father. He should not worry about not having a good weekened with him and in fear of dicipline, it will only take a few bad weekends before your boy gets what it is he needs to do. Good luck!! A.

S., Have you lost your mind. You are madly in love with a man who does not discipline his child and only take s the child out if you are with him. Can you not see that he too is afraid of the child. That the reason the child throws tantrums is because he can. WHat about your little three year old. How long do you think it will be before she mimics the 10 year old? The child is not afraid of you he knows all he has to do is avoid you and he will continue to get his way. If you must stay with the dad you better through down the gauntlet and learn the hardway that YOU will not get your way. By the way it will not get better if you marry this guy. By the way your daughter will mimic you too. If she learns that you can be manipulated she will allow people to manipulate her.

Good luck and if you can run...

I feel so happy that you are madly in love, but just mad sounds more accurate. um, why are you marrying him? It isn't a "sudden" situation. You knew he had a son that he doesn't discipline or put first ("but my fiancee always wants to include me"), and yet, you think he's going to make a great daddy for your daughter? You know that not buying your daughter a candy everytime you go to the store is not being strict, but your soon to be stepson doesn't, because your fiancee didn't teach him that. Only you know what's best for your daughter and yourself, I'm just trying to point out what seems like a big red flag. I don't think being in love with someone is enough....the two exes being great examples. Sorry if this comes across too harsh or judgemental, I really am trying to help.

I think that the best course is to talk to the Father. Make sure that you and he are in sync as to parenting styles. That will solve some problems with the step son but also help you know you course for the future. Unfortunately parenting is not a popularity contest and moms often end up being the bad guy in kids eyes. But eventually kids understand that moms are also the ones that are constant. You should go slow but really meet him where he is at. Perhaps getting a book like Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld and having him help cook would help to make him more interested. If he likes TV maybe watch shows like Shaq's show on child weight loss or the Biggest Loser. Suttle Huh? HA But through it all, you ned to stay true to your parenting style. He needs to learn that there are rules throughout the world that he will need to follow, whether it is his moms house, your house, school or the mall. But I would suggest you let him know that as a step parent you are not trying to take the place of anyone, that you are an addition to his life and he can choose to make it a positive or negative addition. That you will love and support him. But that support does not necessairly mean indulge. The last thing I have to say, is don't let him hear or see your feelings about him as negative (you sound a bit negative above) let him know that you are there to help him in a positive way and that even if he doesn't like it you are doing it for his best interest. Big issue is to get dad on board or you have lost the battle before it begins.
Good luck.

I, too, am a step mom. I feel that besides my step son being a remarkable person, he responds to me because I treat him like a person, rather than "some kid". I really try to make sure to give him respect. I realize, being a product of a broken home myself, that he doesn't need another mom because he's got one already. And I've had open and honest discussions with him about this and several other serious topics such as using curse words, his view on girls, what he thinks he'd like to do when he's grown and how he's doing in school. I try to make a point to really listen to what he has to say and ask him questions to let him know that I'm here if he wants to talk about anything. So far, it's really worked for us, and he's my buddy when he's staying with us.

I too am a step-mom to an 8year old girl. i think that being a step-mom when you don't have primary custody or even a lot of time with them comparatively. That can be even tougher when you have a seemingly different philosophy on child-rearing. I have been a step-mom for almost 2 years now, and have been in her life for 4years and I think that the first step is to get in line with your fiance on what you want for your children that now includes his son. It can be a really bonding thing for a couple when you can show that you have a real interest in parenting a child that is a gift with purchase and wasn't born to you. Having a conversation about goals for your son, and helping your fiance to understand that if you want to make your son feel truly at home that he should have rules and activities like those of a full time kid and not the exceptions of a guest in your home. That was a big help with my now husband. Once you have settled that it might be helpful to discuss further with him and your son what it is that is expected of him in your home. It is so important to be backed up by dad, or you can look like the evil-stepmom. My step-daughter looks to me like a parent now though, and when she is here she konws that she will be expected to (for example:) try everything put in front of her even if she doesn't like it or finish it, and NOT whine.
A warning... no matter how hard you try each visit is an adjustment, there is no way around it, and her mom says the same thing about her return home...but every kid likes boundaries and you may find that he feels more at home even if they are laid out by step mom.
Hope that babbling makes sense :)

I would start off looking at your man. Is he helping with 'family bonding time'? Is he making an effort to include you? Is this the type of man you want raising your daughter? If you think he's going to change his parenting for your kid, you'd better think again.

Hey S.,
The only advice I can offer to you is this. Treat him just as you would your own daughter. If you would not let her have it, do it , or act like that then you should not alllow it from him. Trust me he will love and respect you for it. The hardest part is undoing in a weekend what it took Mom all week to do. In a perfect world all parents should work together for the best for the child both bio and step. Hope this helps. Also if you can establish some kind of relationship with the boys mother. If the two of you can get along for the boys sake it willl make things easier. Always keep in mind the best for the child and don't let childish feeling get in the way.
C. P Step mom too

Dear S.,

First you need to make friends with him, just like you said. After he trusts you, then he will talk to you more. Talk with him, not at him, and remember he has been neglected a lot so the attention you give him is valued highly even if he doesn't show it.

I don't think that he won't go shopping with you because you refused your daughter candy. Ten year old kids are in another stage of life. You need to understand how they think. Go on line and find Maslow's Theory of Moral Development. Just skim through it and find the first three stages. It is very interesting, but very wordy, so don't get sucked under, just skim.

Also get the book called "Real Boys" It is a very good book written by a humanitarian. He really knows a lot abour boys. Again, skim through to find the parts that apply to your soon to be step son, and don't think that you have to read the whole book. It also will open your eyes to how boys think.

Also, kids get tired a lot more than adults realize - and, he is not in good shape, so those could be some of the reason that he doesn't like to go shopping.

I am interested in what the other mommies have to say . They are very knowledgeable and have a lot of common loving sense.

C. N.

Hello S.,

I am a bonus mom and I have concerns about my husbands discipline style as well. In a recent argument my husband made a comment about me disciplining his son for no reason. S., this had nothing to do with the argument, but it definitely was a concern since he blurted it out. So I would discuss discipline with your son to be husband. Some experts say that each person should discipline their own children. I don't agree if the two adults can come to an understanding. I explained to my husband that I was not trying to be mean or evil to his son and that I would not allow any child in my home do some of the things his son does. I reassured him that I would never harm his child, but I believe in structure. His son is 2 yrs old and I expressed that his son is at the age where we can instill certain rules and values that are age appropriate. Once we had this discussion and I reassured him that I love his son and would never hurt him he expressed his concerns with his son's mother's lack of structure in her home (which I never knew concerned him). I have even told my husband that he did not have to feel guilty he only sees his son 3 days a week because he is a supportive father and will be more supportive as his son grows older.
So with that said, S., I would have the conversation now. If you don't agree try to think of 5-10 things (no more than 10) that you are concerned with and/or do not agree with. Ultimately, like I explained to my husband, your daughter will see the behavior your step son gets away with and if it is something you will not allow her to do thenre will be a conflict (maybe not as much because of the 6 yr difference, but there will be). Good luck and congrats on the engagement.