Hi ladies, a couple of days ago I posted a question about my daughter and her weekday visit with her Dad.
When I talked to her Dad about my daughter wanting to drop the Wednesday visit he didn’t even let me finish my sentence and he blew up.
Once he calmed down I said in short, that why he doesn’t take every Friday instead of Wednesdays like someone on here had suggested. I offered up my Fridays saying that at least she will not have homework she has to do that night; he gets home from work a lot earlier and will have more time to spend with her and the family. A lot of you had made that suggestion and I thought it was great advice.
His response was a resounding NO! saying that our daughter has to stop being so selfish and find time to play with her sisters on Wednesday nights. He said her time management is an issue. When I told him about all the distractions from her sisters while she was trying to get her homework done he said “she is being immature by going to you and complaining about her sisters! She tells her step-mom and I about her sisters so why the hell is she to complaining to you too??”
He seems to get angrier the more I stood up for my daughter. I told him she vents her frustrations to me but by no means says anything “bad” about her sisters.
Then I told him I wouldn’t even be able to get work done if I was constantly being interrupted and that is why it takes her longer. Her time management is perfect. She gets her homework done in 1 ½ hrs at my home. As I mentioned before she is in advanced placement classes and those students have more homework. They have a small house and my daughter’s room over there is literally right off the family room where they hang out watching T.V. Apparently her sisters are constantly fighting so my daughter is distracted by that too.
Do you all think my daughter is immature and selfish??? What am I missing?? I don’t know WHAT to think!
I’m at a complete loss with him!
Ok, so is it just me or does his definition of "play" seem to be "keep an eye on and keep them from fighting so dad and stepmom and have some alone/down time" and not actually "have fun with". If that is his definition then, yea he will get mad, he has his daughter as a free babysitter and wants to keep that! She is not a babysitter she is a kid that has schoolwork.
I would drop the weekday visits all together...
Alrighty then!!! I usually try not to judge people I do not personally know but I've read your posts and frankly I'm ticked off. WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT MAN????? One would think he would be proud of his daughters pride in her school work and in general her work ethic period! Most kids that age would not be striving for AP classes, they'd be skating by on the easier classes to AVOID doing the work. It sounds to me like your daughter has a good sense of self worth and where she wants to go in life. Furthermore, she has an understanding of the hard work it will take to accomplish HER dreams. Your child is NOT the one being selfish here - he is. Why couldn't they adjust their schedule to allow her the 1 1/2 to complete her homework? Then she'd have the rest of the evening to spend time with her sisters. I think the friday alternative would have solved the problem. Good golly, talk about being immature and selfish...gee whiz....I'll just put my own stubborn wants ahead of my daughter's needs. At this point I would just tell him you don't appreciate the way he is talking to/about your child and enough is enough. She can come on the scheduled weekends and friday's if SHE chooses but you are not sending her during the week end of discussion. He needs to grow the hell up. There now I've ranted...gosh do I feel better ;D
How old is your daughter???
Well gee, your Ex, is really the child here.
SO selfish.
Homework, is very important. That is her responsibility.
He is, SABOTAGING her.
That's it in a nutshell.
I would not want to be her, at her Dad's home.
How does his Wife treat her?
And the sisters?
My take on this is ALSO... that perhaps your Ex, DEMANDS that your Daughter play with her sisters (on Wednesday nights)... because, then she is like their "babysitter", in the house. And it INCONVENIENCES your Ex.... that she is 'busy' with homework.
And maybe his current Wife, expects that too. That she PLAY with her sisters.
Does his current Wife, 'demand' that your daughter play with her sisters too?
I would make sure that your Daughter is not being treated, like the in-house "Babysitter" for them..... ? And that, she is RESPECTED per her age and per her SCHOOL responsibilities, and that they do properly parent her and help with homework per her age and make sure all her school work is taken care of.
WHY... on earth, is it SOOOOOOO crucial to your Ex, that your Daughter only PLAY with her sisters, when she is over there on Wednesday nights?
AND.... it does not seem important to your Ex, to opt for having her over on Fridays instead so HE can spend more time with her, and she with her family. He denied that option.
SO, to me, spending time, quality time with your Daughter... is NOT a "priority."
The PRIORITY here for him, is: that SHE play with her sisters.
And WHY? is that sooooooooooo much of a big deal... to him?
This is not about your Daughter's 'time-management.' It is about your Ex... having issues about her, and expecting her to de-value her school work, just to 'play' with her sisters. And referee them, too, maybe.
Your Daughter, is not an 'entertainment' center for her sisters. She is not their parent.
Your Ex, needs to STOP expecting selfish expectations. Himself.
Your DAUGHTER... is being stuck in the middle, of all of this.
UNfairly.
You daughter, should NOT have to choose.... playing with her sisters, over completing her school work.
A PARENT, should be smart enough to realize that.
Your Daughter, should NOT be forced, into this position, of being stuck in the middle of it all, and being the "Bad Guy" in it.
I would ALSO make sure, that your Ex/his Wife, are not putting-down your Daughter, because she has to do homework and therefore 'cannot' play with her sisters, on-demand.
They should NOT, chastise her for that.
At all.
all the best,
Susan
Your daughter is not irresponsible or selfish. You guys proposed a compromise based on good logic and he rejected it based on general principles without even being open to discussion. That is selfish and inconsiderate if you ask me. If he is so unflexible as to compromise, I think it's his time management in question.
I hate when my ex insults our daughter. I think the root cause is that they (noncustodial parnets) feel overlooked and out of the loop or out of power or whatever. I tend to think Insulting my daughter is actually aimed at me. We're far too evolved and mature to actually insult each other, so I think his little digs are meant to point out my shortcomings as a mom. Maybe that's just my issue, but it sounds so similar to what you are going through. I try very hard not to react to that or even acknowledge it. The way I handle it is to remind him of his youthful folly. Whatever he says about her - I can remind him of things he did or how he felt when he was a teenager. I try to get him to see things from her point of view. I go way back and pull his teenage self out of the closet and compare what he was like to what she is like and it really seems to get through to him. It helps him see her perspective.
ONCE AGAIN...your husband fails to realize...your daughter is the one that this is about...not him, not his daughters, not his new wife. She is the one in the hard situation...and she is the one who needs to be accomodated.
Your daughter sounds like an amazing little girl...thriving in a very tough situation. I would highly recommend you take him to court and legally get this arranged so your daughter doesn't have to make any more sacrifices.
The more he protests...the more apparent it becomes that this has nothing to do with what is best for your daughter.
Your ex is immature and selfish, but you knew that.
Actually, I think HE is being immature and selfish. He is not seeing how hard your DAUGHTER has worked to get where she is. My kids also take some advanced classes and they have to work hard to stay in those classes. Your daughter seems to understand that it is important to work hard, he does not. Maybe he did not have any push when he was younger so does not think it is important for her to do her homework every night, not skipping Wed. He also seems to be seeing a lot of criticism in your discussion, though I don't know how you brought up the subject. I know how hard it is to get stuff done when kids are fighting as my girls do it all the time. Is it possible that your daughter could wear ear plugs while she does her homework. I know this is not the best solution but her dad does not seem open to the other option.
He sounds like he is the immature and selfish one. If the weekday visit isn't court ordered refuse them. If they are go immediately to have them ammended. Let him tell the judge that your daughter shouldn't do homework because she needs to play w/ her sisters!
Again, can he pick her up AFTER her homework is done (either at school or your home)?
I'm with the other mothers here and boy is HE SELFISH! I guess I'd try to talk to him again and say, this is not about us, it's about her and what's best for her. If he won't listen, then take him back to court and I'm sure the judge will be on your side and agree your daughter isn't being selfish but he is.
Hugs going out to you and especially your daughter!
