My daughterInLaw Is Teaching My Grandaughter How to Hate Me.

E.

welcome to mamapedia.
I'd love to hear your daughter-in-law's side of the story.

Once a gift is given? They can do with it as they please.

It sounds as if your son has no backbone or balls and his wife rules the roost.

You like to keep score and use money as a weapon or tool against them.

If they are moving to Arizona? A judge should not grant a restraining order. A restraining order comes after there have been viable threats. Have the police been called to the house?

Do you live with your son and daughter in law or do they live away from you? I'm confused.

This is YOUR SON. Did you raise him without manners or did you just give him stuff to make him happy and "love" you?

You can find a lawyer that specializes in grandparent custody and law. IF they get a restraining order? There has to be proof of violence, etc. Get a lawyer

So you feel that because you bought and did things for them, they owe you something?

Restraining orders don't come easily. You can't just walk into the police station or court house and get one. One must have probable cause and proof that a restraining order is necessary.

Your post is VERY HARD to read. Please use paragraphs, they are your friends!

You raised your son to be submissive to his wife and not stand up and say something? Something doesn't sound right about this. I wonder what they say is going on.

Are you so involved in their lives you aren't living yours? Do you have a hobby? Do you have a wife? Friends? Anything or Anyone you can talk with and do things with so you aren't consumed with your granddaughter?

It's sad that you are accusing her of teaching her child to hate. Do you have any proof of this? Do you think YOUR ACTIONS might be scaring your granddaughter? There is more to this story than just your words.

If you truly feel like your granddaughter is being taken from you? Hire a lawyer that does grandparent rights.

Hi E.

Paragraphs would make your post easier to read and understand.
I think that maybe you are too focused on your son's family.
How often do you see your friends?
You need a life that's separate from them - no matter where they live.
They are moving away - so you are going to have to make some adjustments.
Your granddaughter is theirs to raise.
You raised your son - hopefully he'll remember what a great dad you were.
You were needed - perhaps used - it gave you a purpose.
Now you have to re-invent yourself.

Keep communications open.
Send them cards on the holidays and birthdays.
Don't send cash or gifts unless it's something small.
If/when they call you for help - do NOT jump in to rescue them lickty split.
Listen, let them talk their way through it - let them solve their own problems.
Also if they ask for money - "no" is a complete sentence.
It could be they've come to see you as an entitlement and so they don't appreciate you.

Get a hobby, volunteer, take a class, take up bowling - just get busy with your own life.

hi E.,
i'm sorry your family is having such a hard time. it sounds very painful.

the dog's accident sounds like it started things off with a lot of unnecessary anger. if it was so bad that it leaked through the floor, the dog was very sick. she may well not have had time to get it outside. expecting her to clean it up and pay better attention is reasonable, i suppose, but telling her to get rid of the dog is horribly overbearing.

why did she need to get a restraining order? did you refuse to leave when they asked you to? really?

your accusations against her when she cleaned your house are fairly serious. did you file charges? do you have proof? why would she do such terrible things?

the stuff with the toys is pretty petty. is your son really lazy? maybe you shouldn't get your granddaughter such expensive toys if you're that involved with their care.

it's wonderful that you were there for your son and his family when they needed you. but the generosity sours when it has price tags attached.

it sounds as if it's a good thing that they're moving and you're not. if more restraining orders are being filed it's past time for you all to take a break from each other.

if you love your son and your granddaughter i'd take this time to cool off and then take small steps to repair the relationship. a good place to start would be a sincere apology for trying to control them, and a promise to abide by their boundaries if and when you're allowed to see your granddaughter again.

good luck!
khairete
S.

When you say that their dog had an accident in the washroom, and you told your DIL to take it outside (reasonable) or 'get rid of the dog' (unreasonable) - it shows me that there's two sides to this story.

Same with 'stupid argument', 'too lazy (father/your son)', etc.

All this gift giving you did - was beyond reasonable. Very generous - but you are confusing your generosity with them owing you. When you give a gift - they don't owe you a thank you (it would be nice, but if you didn't get one the first time, second or third ... why did you keep giving them gifts?). That's on you. You've been a doormat. That also doesn't mean you are necessarily 'needed' or an integral part of their lives. Doormats often like to feel that they are invaluable.

They then sometimes turn around and make it seem like the people they were trying to help are needy and unthankful. My MIL does this.

We decided it was better to not accept her gifts.

Your son and DIL need strict boundaries. You need to respect them. You yourself need boundaries. You also need to fill your time, as B suggests. This family dynamic sounds really unhealthy.

I think for the little girl's sake, you just need to give her parents some space. If they are threatening a restraining order, that's pretty bad. I have no idea if that's legit or not - but clearly that's a sign they have had enough.

Kids pick up on all this and you must recognize the best thing for the child is to not be caught up in any drama. So I would just back off at present.

In future, I would just be supportive of my son - stop thinking of yourself first and foremost. Don't make yourself out to be a victim. Have self respect and stop giving as a way to feel loved. You don't need to help them out constantly. I would reach out in time and apologize for your part in this. Don't make any demands. See how that goes.

This sounds so difficult, but I agree with the other posters here that it would help if you let go of some of your expectations of how you wish you were being treated. You don’t have any control over your family members, but you do have control over yourself. Be nice, only give things that you can give freely, without expectations of what you’d like to see in return.

The dog argument saddens me. Was the dog sick? There are ways to help someone care for their dog without offering an ultimatum that includes them getting rid of the dog, which was not up to you. I’m sure this just alienated your daughter-in-law, and I feel like we are missing part of the story because yes, a restraining order is pretty extreme.

When you were in the hospital, if she stole from you, try to see that as a lesson that she can’t be trusted. That doesn’t mean you can’t be warm and friendly towards her, which might help repair the relationship. Make some friends who you can trust.

Don’t give your granddaughter expensive gifts. Don’t try to tell your son how to parent. Just be kind and playful with your granddaughter, only with cheap and simple toys. If her father sees her enjoying playtime with you, it will hopefully inspire him to want to play, but either way, she will enjoy her time with you more if she doesn’t have to choose between you and her parents. Did you play with your son when he was young? If not, let him know how you regret that, and how you would like to have a better relationship now. The tension between you and her parents is pushing her away because it makes her uncomfortable. They can’t turn her against you, only you can do that.

Try letting them know that you are sorry for not respecting their boundaries, and would like to start fresh. Focus on just being a good friend and grandparent (occasional phone calls, small gifts, friendly letters, whatever they will accept, ASK THEM) , and let them live their lives. Hopefully once you back off, they will come around and be nicer to you. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, ever tell them how you helped your parents.

The only person you have any influence over is yourself, unfortunately. So you will have to figure out how you can change the way you interact with your DIL if you want to reestablish contact with your granddaughter. And trust your granddaugther to make her own choices about who she wants in her life, if not now, then later on. Use kindness and understanding to keep the communication channels as open as you can.