I Need Help with Equality for Grandchildren Vs. Step Grands.

I understand trying to keep all things equal, but if the inlaws are not following that as well then things are not, in fact, equal. There is nothing wrong with filling in the gap in fairness the inlaws seem to be leaving.

My bigger concern would be finding out if the inlaws have accounts/trusts or college money set aside only for the two children and if so I would try (if I could afford it) to have something comparable for my granddaughter.

I think it's a shame that this happens - but it's up to your son's wife to control her children's relatives. And I say that not just because they ignore your granddaughter. I say it because they are spoiling her children with electronics and expensive stuff. Your daughter-in-law needs to tell them that they are a family of 5 and she will not allow her stepdaughter to be a second class citizen. It's possible that the relatives just don't know your granddaughter or enough about her, or they haven't thought this through, or they think you are giving stuff to herand not to your stepgrandchildren.

You, unfortunately, have to stay out of it. And trying to "even things out" will only send the message that buying children with products is acceptable. You will actually become a part of the same problem - favoring one child over others, when you have worked so hard to treat them equally. I don't think you want to teach kids to play some relatives off against the others.

I think you can do some things with her when her step-siblings are away, but not to the standpoint that it's obvious you are spending money on her when they are gone! That will get back to them and undo all that you have accomplished. It will seem that you have waited for them to go away so you don't have to pay for them! You can take her for ice cream or have a day of playing Scrabble or whatever she likes. You can take her to a movie that her stepsister doesn't want to see.

Otherwise, this is a parenting issue and not a grandparenting issue. And I say that as a stepmother with 4 step-grandchildren.

And you are welcome on Mamapedia - we are not all young moms!

I don't think you should try to "make up" for all the lavish gifts the other kids receive from their family members by indulging your granddaughter more than the others. I'd still keep things as equal as possible around birthdays and holidays. You can't control what comes from others. But you can, yourself, be fair, especially since you have a relationship with all the kids, which is so awesome! She is old enough to understand that she and her step-siblings are going to have different relatives and friends, for that matter, some may not even know her very well or at all. So things naturally aren't going to be exactly equal. If family gift openings are extremely unbalanced and leaving hard feelings, it's up to the parents to figure this out some resolutions for better family harmony. I'd be opting for giving experiences rather than things for everyone, under the circumstances.

What do your son and daughter-in-law think about the situation?

I completely understand your frustration. But my concern with you buying extra gifts for her is that it can quickly turn into a situation where people are trying to one-up each other.

Ultimately your son and his wife need to work to create an equitable situation. This may very well mean that, for the well-being of their entire family, they need to set boundaries for her family. They need to help her family understand that they treat all kids equally when they're together. They have every right to decline gifts, or ask you to buy something similar.

oh, i totally get it. i too would be sooo tempted to be the fairy goddessgrandma to the little girl left out.

but don't.

you don't say whether or not the child herself has expressed sorrow over the disparity. it's possible that her parents have discussed it with her and are doing quiet behind the scenes adjustments that keep all the kids on an even keel and reduce resentment. if no one has come to you with any complaints, don't create any.

if your granddaughter has revealed some unhappiness over being left in the Stuff Accumulation lurch, i'd resist the (very understandable) impulse to 'make it up' to her with Stuff. when the rubber meets the road, having equal amounts of Stuff isn't a true equalizer.

but you CAN ease in there with experiences. some one on one adventures that are just about you and her, having high tea or going for a mountain horseback trail ride or jammy and movie night at your place. the step-grands are older kids and probably won't get torqued by you having some alone time with this girl, and i'll bet she grooves on the special attention.

if possible discuss it quietly with the parents, in a very very non-judgmental tone. they might have some good ideas too, and might, if they're sensible sorts, appreciate your quiet behind the scenes efforts to level the playing field a bit. they are doubtless aware of the disparity.

don't fret about the age. this venue is for all mamas. i'm old enough to be a grandmother although i'm still eagerly awaiting them!
:) khairete
S.

It is, sad that your daughter in law, is letting this happen. When I had my youngest my inlaws came to visit the entire family from out of state my oldest (He was mine, my husband adopted him) felt like they paid more attention to the baby which it was kind of difficult because we met at a restaurant. So when they came back for a holiday I made my husband bring it to get attention as the boys and I were going to stay home if it didn't change. She felt bad. And it changed she did not realize she had done that. So her family may not know y'all are different with her kids. If you have a good relationship with your son bring it up with just him. Put it in his court weather or not so say something.
I applaud you for treating them equally.

My mom has been in your shoes. She treats them exactly the same as far as gifts went.

I don't think it's on you to make up for the difference.

If you'd like to 'spoil' her a bit because you want to, could you not take her out for some one on one time when your son has her (when the other kids are with their dad for example?).

That's what I would suggest, and what my friends with blended families do.

As for wanting to indulge her more because she's your one granddaughter and your others are grandsons - this is a personal beef of mine. I know you mean well (and that they aren't in the same family). My MIL however does this ("But I never had a daughter..."). Kids pick up on it, and boys like to be indulged just as much as girls. It can be hurtful if it's obvious. I'm sure you wouldn't be - I just had to mention it because it's a pet peeve of mine (and a few friends of mine who have both girls and boys).

Does your granddaughter say anything about this? If she doesn't? You are the only one noticing.

If she does? I would talk with my son and DIL and tell them that their daughter notices that the extended family doesn't recognize her like they do the "biological" children and it's hurting her. Put it back in their court and have them address the issues.

Hmmm...I think that your approach is the right idea. My kids are in a blended family as well and luckily, my side and their dad's side (who is now my ex) have always been even-handed with gifts. My step-daughter got the same from my family as my sons, and my son from a prior relationship got the same as his step and half siblings.

That said, my SD lived with her mom until she was 13 and during that time, she would also get gifts from her mother and her mother's family. My oldest son's father was out of the picture so he didn't get the same. Although my SD and oldest son are the same age, she got a phone before he did (from her mom) and a laptop before he did (from her mom). For her birthday and holidays, she would get gifts from me and her dad, my family, my in-laws and then get gifts from her mother and her family that our boys didn't.

Are the extra gifts coming from the boys' biological dad and his family? If so, then your situation sounds similar to mine and honestly, it wasn't something that the kids really noticed or cared about. If their mother's family (your granddaughter's step-mother's family) is being uneven in gift-giving, then that's perhaps something your son should work out with his wife because that would be hurtful in the long term and family is family. When we first blended families, I had to nudge my siblings a bit about the fact that my SD was now on the gift list too - they weren't ill-intentioned, but were a bit clueless. Perhaps you can share your observation with your son and see what he does with it.

If your granddaughter notices the difference and feels slighted, and you have the means to provide more, perhaps you can simply meet some needs outside of a gift-giving situation. For example, if the boys have electronics that they received as gifts that would be useful and appropriate for her, you could provide the funds for those and there really doesn't need to be an explanation. If anything is explained, it can simply be "X and Y already have [whatever] and Z needed one too, so grandma helped pay for it." The boys are old enough to understand that it's not necessarily fair that they get more items and I wouldn't think this would cause a problem - it wouldn't for my kids. My in-laws have provided specific things as needed over the years because they have the means to do so - they paid for after-school care at a camp for a year, pay for piano lessons for one child, provided a laptop, will pay for a specialty sports camp, etc. These are just opportunities for them to provide for the kids and cover a need and not gifts. The kids don't keep track as their needs/wants are all being met equally.

Grams9 - welcome to mamapedia.

Arcata is beautiful! As is Humboldt University.

Please use paragraphs in your posts. I promise - it makes them much easier to read and follow.

Why try to keep up with the Jones'/Kardashians? You do what you can. For me? I'd rather make memories than "buy" their love.

Does your granddaughter say anything about it or how do you know about this "disparity"? Please do NOT try and "make up" for it. Especially if she hasn't noticed. YOU might say something to your son and daughter in law, bring it to their attention. I would also tell them IF she has noticed and said something.

I would not change a thing. I would ensure that all of my grandchildren know that I love them and want to spend time with them. Showering with gifts doesn't really do anything but give them materialistic things. Spend time with them! Take them to the Redwoods, since you live so close.

This site is NOT age limited. nor is it limited to mama's. There have been dad's on here too. People of all ages, teenagers post questions too, even though they aren't mamas.

Good luck!

We are a blended family, too. Our oldest, my step-son, just recently married a wonderful woman with a sweet little boy from a previous relationship. This sweet little boy is now our first grandchild!! We love him so much, and we will treat him and all of the grandchildren who follow the same!

We cannot control what our grandson's bio father's side does, nor would we want to. We just do what is right for our family.

Just continue what you're doing. You sound like an amazing grandma!

I think you are doing exactly the right thing, and shouldn't change at all. Stay the course, knowing that you are modeling the right way to treat people, even if others are not (whether intentional or just clueless, I don't know but it doesn't matter).