My 3Yr Old Son Wants to Go Live with His Father!

I would also, just tell him that is something that he can't decide for himself.

I don't think it's healthy, no matter how disfunctional is bio dad is, to point that out to him. That is information that he just doesn't need at that age.

I am currently experiencing the same thing. My 3 year old son wants to live with his dad also. I have been making progress and this is what I have been doing...When he says he wants to go and live with his dad..ask him why he feels that way..and also say then you would miss mommy! Even though they are 3 they can tell you how they feel. At first my son never answered me when I would ask him why and then eventually he answering me. Try not to say negative things about his father. Let him figure that out for himself. I also tell my son when he says that that I would miss him SOOO much if that happened. and then let him know how much you love him. Right now I think he is just confused with the situation and needs some special attention. Try doing some one on one with him like going to the library or reading some books. Hope this helps!!

hey hun,
this is a typical power struggle move. at three he doesn't understand and probly can't understand the facts just like they don't understand they can eat cake and ice cream everyday. my advice and what worked for my (now 13yr) 3 yr old son was a simple "NO! I love you son but you can't make that choice." thats all i said then change the subject and would not say anything else... remember you are the parent here and you make the rules if he wanted to live in a tent in the back yard (and someday he'll ask that) what would you say?? Nope! but i love you son.. thats all you need to say.. Good Luck

T., as a mother of two, they are 19 and 14 now, I learned one thing: You cannot reason or explain to a 3 year old. You have to be firm, be the parent and let this child know that he is not in any position to make the choices for his well being. He will not understand explanations about how he will not be cared for, children do not understand the concept of "well-being". They simply throw these tantrums because as you said, he is not getting his way. Do not try to reason or explain something this complicated to someone of his age. Simply tell him "no" and don't feel bad. You are the one taking care of this little boy, he is the love of your life and until he's older and can understand why he was not allowed to live with dad, it's just best to keep it simple. I hope anything I've said will help. You must know that you do not need an explanation for him, he's too young to demand an explanation or a reason. Remember, you are mom!

I would add another idea. With my grandson I say, you miss your daddy, don't you, and he nods. If he continues to fuss I say, you'd like to go see him? and he nods. Then I say, we can't do that today. He has visits on the weekend. this seems to help.

I agree that one should never put down the other parent. That parent is a part of that child and when we put him down we are telling the child that he too is not OK.

And at 3 he is unable to understand the explanations. Sympathy and reassurance that he is loved where he is and a firm statement that he does not have the choice should eventually help.

And probably you have to wait until he calms down to say anything. Sometimes I'm able to hold my grandson. Other times I have to leave because he's kicking and hitting. With my granddaughter, who did not have the father problem but who did have temper tantrums, sitting down near her until she crawled into my lap worked.

Nearly all kids this age have tantrums and that is what this sounds like. Somehow he's heard something that makes him think living with his birth father might be better or he's learned that saying that gets attention. I'd work on figuring out the cause of his saying what he does and eliminating that. And what is most important is giving him the assurance that he will always live with you and you want that.

I'm not saying that this has happened for you but I've heard divorced parents say, if you don't behave I'm sending you to your father or you are just like your father. That always creates problems. And if they do have visits with him and he does make life unrealisticly pleasant saying he wants to go there when he's unhappy at home will happen too. YOu can't change the way his father treats him but you can reinforce the fact that he lives with you and you love him after you ignore the tantrum.

I know you posted this a while ago but I just wanted to respond because I have an 11 year old boy who has never met his real father, and he has been saying "I want to go live with my dad" for YEARS now. How funny, of coarse he does, his dad has never been around to discipline him, piss him off, say NO, His dad is perfect in his imagination, why wouldn’t he want to, so I just say "I know, It would be nice, wouldn’t it”, He'd usually not drag on the conversation much more, I never argued with him, especially a three year old, there little brains don’t develop and mature to the point of being able to reason until around 8 or 9, until then, its there own little world, they just cant make that connection, and you know what, sometimes its ok to want to go live with dad, its not ok to do it, but to do and to want are two different things, I think its ok to give a little hug (if they'll let you) and say something like "I know you do" or "that would be fun, wouldn’t it" They don’t need to know all the reasons why it would be completely insane. My son will say stuff like "I'll bet my dad's nicer than you" and sometimes it's so tempting to say "Oh, you think it would be nicer for me if I just left out of your life??" But I don’t, Be glad your little one has feelings, thoughts, and I also think to tell him all the reasons he shouldn’t want to go live with dad may make him question him self and what he feels, I believe, in time, that my son will figure out what his father is like and he’ll make his own decisions about his father, He certainly doesn’t need my help.
Don’t take it personal, it just means your doing your job as a mother if your not giving him everything he wants and Children only lash out around the people who they trust will love them no matter how rotten they act. Isn’t that a great feeling? lol,
Hugs, and Good luck.

T., I have to agree with Julie D. I don't know that you want to point out the negative things about your sons real father. That is his real father and neither you nor he can change that. I certainly wouldn't want anyone to put down my mother or father and yes "put down", whether it is the truth or not. As an adult, I can see some right and wrong in both my parents, but don't want to be in the middle of their perspective of it. He will realize those things on his own soon enough. I feel you just have to tell him, "No you live with mommy and stepdad (name) and carry on with something else. He will get through that stage.

Tell him the things that only you can do with him so he will remember these things and realize that his real dad does not do these things.
I used to say something like this, "You want your dad? Please think. Hmm... No sun. Lots of rain. No playing outside. No coat. Your shoes dirty. No good food. No baths. No dogs. No cats. Lots of yelling. No mommy. No cousin. No grandma. All gone. You like it?" And go about your business, then your child will reply later.