My 16 Month Old Hates His New Baby Brother, What Can I Do?

First off, A., this is really, really common. Your toddler is not doing anything out of the ordinary.

If you can, consider babywearing. I was a nanny to newborns, and then did child care while my own son was wee little. I nearly always had the babies in a pack, unless they were asleep. This satisfies baby's need for contact while keeping your hands free to help your 16 month old. Even using it for just a few hours a day can help. Make sure you get one which fits you correctly so you don't hurt your back. (I have more damage to my hips from carrying children on my hip for years than I do my back. So consider what will work without hurting your body.)

If you can, stop feeling guilty. Tell yourself that this is *good* for your son to not be first for your attention. This was one reason I did go back to work and have a preschool later on-- it was important for my son, an only child, to learn that he's not the most important person in my world. It IS a hard lesson, but will get easier as he gets older.

This is also a time to turn your attention to finding things which capture your toddler's attention. Below, I'll link to an article which can start you off. My observations were that sensory activities best fulfill a real need, and that you also need some forethought as to what is going to be doable for you and what's going to feel like too much mess to clean up.

http://handsonaswegrow.com/50-toddler-activities/

Be sure, too, to give your newborn time to sleep and be on their own as they develop. and never, ever leave them alone together. It is just too easy for a toddler to harm an infant, even if they don't mean to. Consider taking a shower when your partner is home in the mornings or the evenings. And also, when your partner is home, hand baby off to them and spend a little one on one with your son whenever possible. This will ease up over time. :)

Congrats on the new baby!

I agree with Nervy Girl that this is all to be expected. You "left" your older child so he's mad. He blames the baby a little bit. But he's also just 16 months old and confused! The whole routine has changed, and he doesn't know what to make of it. There's nothing you can to in terms of explaining anything to a child that young.

And you're completely hormonal and totally sleep-deprived, so you're going to be a little more emotional over everything. So do your best to establish as much structure as is possible in the impossible situation of having 2 tiny ones at home. You can have standards of behavior - tough as those are to implement with a toddler - that have nothing to do with whether or not he understands the baby, likes the baby, or loves the baby. Don't have "best of friends" as your goal - not all siblings are that tight. But they can and must give each other some space and some respect.

I agree with wearing a Bjorn or a sling or whatever accessory you like. You'll be mobile, you'll have 2 hands to deal with your older child (play games, open doors, make lunch....) and you can go outside, take nature walks, go to the park and more.

You should definitely have some alone time with the older child - special "big kid" time. It's also good for the baby to know that others can take care of him. If you're nursing, you don't have a big window of time between feedings, but 16 month olds don't have a long attention span either. If there are very small ways in which the older child can "help" with the baby, that's great - bring you a fresh diaper, start to learn to sort baby laundry (make a game of matching socks), or something else simple, great. Praise him for being such a big boy. But don't make that a requirement because sometimes he needs to be little and get babied too.

And it's also okay for kids to learn that they don't always come first, that they are resilient, that they can learn to be self-sufficient even if it means postponing their instant gratification for the 90 seconds it takes to change a newborn's diaper. That's a lesson all kids need to learn, and it's not the baby's fault. Sometimes kids just need to wait, you know? The older the newborn gets, the longer you can let him fuss a little too.

I agree not to leave them alone together at all. A 16 month old has no idea what's safe/not safe, and could tip over an infant seat or hand the baby a totally unsafe toy. So keep them apart even if it means putting the infant seat in a play pen or gating him inside his room when he's napping.

Everyone gave you good advice. Just remember in 6 months your now 16 month old will probably not even remember a time when he didn't have a younger brother. It will all smooth out. When you are ready, wear the baby and take the toddler to toddler time at the library or nature center or whatever fun toddler activity you have near you. Give your toddler some one on one snuggle time and play time each day. It is good for him to learn that he is not the little king of the household and sometimes he has to wait while you help his baby brother. Don't worry...he will become used to having a brother around. As the baby gets older they will start to play together. My brother and I were either playing together nicely or fighting/arguing. We are about the same age apart as your kids. There was jealousy. There were fights. There was also a lot fun playing outside together, playing school, playing legos, swimming and exploring together.

Your son is only 16 months old so really just a baby himself. He doesn't understand what's going on just that his mommy left and now there's a baby that's taking a lot of time away from him.

Set some rules in place like you take the baby or the toddler with you when you leave the room so that they are never alone together. It'll give you peace of mind that your son won't do something to the baby when you are gone for a split second. I always had the rule that toddlers weren't allowed to touch babies. They could bring them toys and things but they couldn't touch. Made it easier not to have to worry every time they were around the baby.

As far as getting your older son involved in something before tending to the baby? Not going to really work because the minute you start something the toddler will be right there wanting something. He's use to getting his needs met asap so that'll take a little while for him to get use to. Its ok to let the baby cry a little and tell you son that the baby needs to wait until its his turn because you are helping toddler right now. If you toddler is always waiting it sends the signal that the baby's needs are more important. A baby crying for a minute or two while you finish something with your older son is ok.

Just hang in there. It'll get easier. My 2nd daughter hated the new babies for the first year. Use to draw pictures of her family that didn't include them. Use to tell the ladies at pre school she didn't like them. The ladies were horrified but I explained that she didn't have to like them since it wasn't her choice to have them in the family. She wasn't allowed to be mean to them, touch them, or hurt them. Once they were old enough to play they all got along well.

Toddlers love to be helpful so maybe give your son jobs while tending to the baby. He can fetch diapers, wipes, items of clothing.

My older child was 21 months old when he greeted his newborn brother with a whack on the head too. It will be a couple years before they are both old enough to care about playing with the other, so for now you focus on keeping everyone safe and untormented.

Delegate your immediate attention according to priority/need. He who needs a diaper change comes first. Giving food to a hungry toddler first means you can then feed the baby in relative peace. Give your toddler undivided attention when you're able. Try not to make decisions that are influenced by guilt or hurt, because it will bite you on the rear down the road.

This is an adjustment period and you'll get it sorted out.

It's perfectly normal for an older sibling to hate a new baby. Let him know that while he doesn't have to LIKE the littlun, he DOES have to be nice. He is not allowed to hit or otherwise hurt his little brother.
Is he crying from jealousy when you're tending to the younger? If so, get the younger settled and then give him some one on one time.

This is totally normal.
Of COURSE your first baby hates the second - he's been replaced!
They will not be playing together anytime soon - so keep them separated as much as you can - until the youngest is about 3 or 4 yrs.
Give some devoted one on one time to your oldest every day if possible.
There's nothing like an attention stealing sibling to make an older child feel like chopped liver.
It's ok for a baby (older or younger) to cry for a little while as long as they are in no danger.
The playpen is your friend - keep one in and the other out - then switch.
The older one is more mobile at this point and can get into trouble in the blink of an eye - so keep an eye on him.
If things are quiet and you're not sure where he is - put baby in the crib and go find him.
I recommend leashes for toddlers in public - when something catches their eye - they run off faster than you can catch them.
People will give you dirty looks but at the end of the day your kids will be alive.
(I've been reading articles lately about kids dying when they wander away from parents and it just makes me mad a kid had to die from something so stupid as a parent that can't be bothered to keep the child by their side.)

There is NO GUARANTEE they will be best friends.
Some are - some aren't.
My younger sister (22 months difference between us) and I can't stand each other till this day (I'm 55) - we were never compatible.
I always wanted to be an only child.
The one thing we agree on is - we never wanted our kids to go through what we went through.
She has one girl - I have one boy - and we feel siblings are nothing but suffering.
Don't force them to be together all the time.