Balancing a Newborn and a Toddler

There were times when all three of us just sat on the floor and cried. Then we picked up the pieces and went on.

One tip is to have a baby carrier of some sort -- a sling, front-pack, back-pack, whatever -- so that you can carry the baby while still tending to your older child and taking care of the house.

It's normal for the older child to suddenly become completely helpless, particularly when you need her to be the most helpful (or at least to amuse herself or not be so needy). She's just going to have to learn that the world does not revolve around her, and that you cannot always drop everything and tend to her. Don't feel guilty about this!! It's a good, character-building exercise for her -- far too many people remain in the selfish toddler stage even while they're adults. :-)

She will learn and adjust, and so will you. Tend to your baby, but that doesn't mean you always have to jump up at the first hint of a cry, either. Obviously your younger child's needs are more immediate, but sometimes "tell the baby" (for your toddler's benefit) that you need to finish reading this page before you can do whatever.

We had a basket with nursing toys for my 3 y.o. These things were only for use when the baby was nursing. Our basket contained special books, cars, coloring book and crayons. These were not part of the general toys but new ones things that we got after the baby was born. The other thing we did was buy a video that would keep his attention to put in when the baby nursed. We chose ones that were at least 30 but no more than 60 minutes in length. The favorites were Veggi Tales. We would rent them from the local video store or the library.( I am not sure if your local library has videos). Something else that helped our family was my cousin would come over and watch the kids so I could either get things done, Laundry,dinner, dishes or just go to my room and take a nap, read or just do something relaxing for me. She was 11-12 @ that time and she came over 3-5 times a week. She usually came from 3-6or 7 o'clock during the weekdays. If it was on the weekend she would just stay over night. I would usually give her $20 a week. It was affordable for me and gave her the chance to earn some money. She is an adult now with a child of her own. Her favorite memory is saving the money she earned and buying a video with it on the weekend she stayed with us. We went home popped a big bowl of popcorn and watched the movie together.

Also try to spend time with your toddler while the baby naps. We kept sandwiches and juice in sippy cups in the fridge so they were easily accessible. I always keept a container of homemade trail mix within easy reach. It was just cheerios, any flavor, peanuts, pretzels,raisins, chocolate chips. You could put any thing in that your family likes. You can use crackers, dry cereal, dried fruit, nuts, M&M's, chocolate chips or other flavored chips. I would try to make it healthier with not as much candy stuff in it. Good Luck and God Bless!

A good idea I came across a few years ago, was a special basket of toys. Allow your little girl to pick out a few special things/books at the store and explain to her they are for a mommy/baby time basket. She can only play with them when Mommy is nursing the baby, changing the baby, etc. Then keep it out of reach. As she grows tired of those same toys, put some different one in the basket for the same purpose. This seemed like a great idea - it may be worth trying!

ugh...when you do, let me know. I have an almost 3 year old and a 6 week old also. My toddler is DEFINITELY much more difficult than she was pre-baby.
I've found that we have to get out of the house, as counter-intuitive as that seems. If I take my older daughter to the library, playground, swimming pool--she gets tired and happy. Maybe just because she can see that things aren't always all about the baby. I also try to figure out something fun for us to do--like a story or making break & bake cookies--AFTER I nurse, so that she's motivated to be calm while I take care of her sister. The same with naps. I don't want to punish her for making it harder for me to take care of the baby, but I want to set up our day so that there are consequences for her when she does.
Can't wait to read everyone else's advice...

Same here! I never imagined she would be so needy. My baby is now 4 months but my 3 1/2 yr old is still needy and still climbs all over my while I am nursing. It is sometimes very annoying.

It's incredibly hard. I just got through it. My kids are 21 months apart and my youngest just turned 2.

Remember that it won't last forever. Every month things get a little easier.

For months and months we were stuck at home because one of my kids was napping almost all the time. The best I could hope for was a 2 hour window in the morning between my infants nap ending and lunch time, 9:30 - 11:30 pm. We'd go out to the park, playgroup, or run errands. Getting in and out of the car or through a door was always challenging.

I wasn't able to sit and breastfeed because my toddler was always needing something. I carried my infant around, on the breast, and played with my toddler. A sling with a little blanket to prop up her head and neck worked great. New native and Maya wrap are some great options.

For about a year we all ate different meals at different times of day. I recommend disposable plates, cups and utenciles and stuff to reduce work load.

Forget cleaning. My house was trashed for about 18 months. We did no entertaining, online shopping, and very few date nights. I relied on Baby Einsein video's and multiple playpen, baby gate arrangements to take showers, pay the bills, etc.

Eventually I went crazy and got a job, but I admire anyone who has the guts to tough it out.

I am not sure myselfr but will be facing the same thing soon I have a 21 month old and a baby due August 9th and by then he will be 22 months. Of course my older 2 are 9 and 13. So I am a bit nervous already I don't know what kind of advice to offer but if you find something that works will you please share with me what it is?

Congratulations and Good Luck!!

I'm 'mom' to 4 adults and 'mom-mom' to 3 little grands, and the first thing I'd recommend is to make her your 'best helper'. If she feels that you NEED her to help with the baby, it alleviates all kinds of jealousy feelings!!

Next, I'd suggest for you to figure out what your daughter's temperament type is AND what her main 'love language(s) is/are, and feed into it.

Which set of these characteristics (or maybe a blend of 1 & 2, 2 & 3, 3 & 4, or 4 and 1) describes her best?
1) Tediously tidy (neat-freak), negative (worrier, sees the glass as half-empty), sensitive to how things affect her.
[Melancholy]
2) Laid back & easy-going but stubborn (needs to think that she thought of it instead of taking commands), uninvolved, rather lazy, wants everything calm and sweet.
[Phlegmatic]
3) Scatterbrained (easily distracted), jolly/silly/goofy, chatterbox, messy with toys/clothes.
[Sanguine]
4) Demanding, bossy/take-charge, capable.
[choleric]

Also, what (love language) makes her feel most secure and loved:
1) Receiving gifts
2) Quality time spent w/someone she cares about
3) Being touched (sitting on a lap, pats, hugs, kisses)
4) Words of affirmation (compliments, being told, 'good job', etc)
5) Acts of service: Doing little things to help others or having little things done for her.

Once you understand her temperament and her 'love language(s)', it's a lot easier to know what to expect of her. I wish I'd understood more about both earlier in life . . . You can look up more about these things online.

God bless and happy parenting!

Ask your toddler to help and participate in taking care of the baby. The toddler can go and get a diaper, can help hold baby's hand while you change him/her, pay extra attn to your toddler while you are able. While the newborn sleeps you can spend extra time with the toddler. Tell the toddler that as soon as you get baby to sleep, you will have more time for him/her so please go sit quiet while mommy puts baby to bed. You will need a schedule but the newborn will put you on the schedule. The baby will need to eat and sleep and will let you know when he/she is ready. It will take about 2 weeks, unless there is already a schedule in place, and then you can get in a routine. It is not hard if your toddler is well behaved and your newborn is not colicky. My kids are 2 1/2 yrs apart too and it went smoothly and to this day the older one really helps take care of his sister. He would tell me when she was crawling somewhere she shouldn't, when she put something in her mouth, etc Make the toddler feel like the "big kid" that you NEED around to take care of this baby. Don't fret, it will come naturally.

Hi N.:
I just want to say that you are not alone with feeling overwhelmed and any other "mommy" feelings you may have. I have two girls, the older one was just 15 months when her sister arrived last Thanksgiving. She began acting out immediately and it seemed that she only would act out when I was nursing. A friend told me to put the baby down and take care of the discipline issue. It may lengthen the feeding, but she really just wants your attention and to know you will put the baby down. Your toddler will be adjusting for a while since all she knows is that you don't have as much time for her. I also find that telling my toddler what I am doing helps her. "Mommy is going to change the baby, do you want to come along?" "Mommy is going to work in the kitchen now, you need to play here with your toys, please."
(My girls are now 22 months and 7 months old)
As far as logistics go, for the first 8 weeks, I worked primarily on getting the newborn to sleep through the night. THis has helped our household all the way around. Now they both sleep through the night, the baby takes a 1 1/2 hour morning nap, + I have been able to get them down for the afternoon nap at the same time. They are in bed by 8:00 nightly. I would suggest that when the baby is asleep, block 15-30 minutes of time with the older child to color, go outside in the yard, playdough, etc. for her to see that you make time for her.
I think that working on a daily routine, so that my toddler knows what to expect, is a great idea too. I have begun to do quick meal prep before one (or both) is up, that way things are ready and all i have to do is pour the milk.

I hope this helps. We have moved twice in the past year, and I had the baby, so I know my toddler is processing a lot right now. THis too shall pass, but babies love and need routine. It makes them feel safe. And remember, YOU are the Mommy. Don't get overwhelmed completely with guilt, fear or regret. THe more stressed you are, they will both sense it and act out.

A. F.

My older boy was 3.5 when my now 6 month old was born. It takes time to manage everything. My older boy is just now getting used to having his brother around and now wants to help. Like you, I had help up until around 6 wks then I was on my own. I am a single mom and work full time so it is a handful. I don't work on Mondays and have found that if I take the baby to daycare and give my older boy a "Mommy and Me" day it helps tremendously. We go to a park or movie. Even if your kids are not in daycare, condsider getting a sitter for a couple hours to give your older child some real one on one time. I hated hearing this when I was just getting started, but give it time and it will work out. I did have to put the crying baby who was trying to eat down a few times to deal with a toddler who was out of control, but once he figured out that just because Mommy was dealing with baby he couldn't do as he pleased. Things have gotten better now so just hold on and enjoy the ride. Someone else said this, sometimes you just need to turn the TV on to get things done in your situation. GOOD LUCK!

I had a 2 yr old and newborn twins at one time. It was very interesting at first but is very doable. One thing I had to do was forget the "schedule" for my 2 year old while I worked on getting the twins on a schedule. That might mean my 2 year old had lunch or dinner earlier or later than usual. I would be sure to have some kind of healthy snack for the 2 yr old that she could eat herself. I also let me 2 yr old watch a little more tv (movies) which she loved. It will be helpful if the baby would sit in a swing or bouncy seat. I totally agree with having the 2 year old help in any way possible.
BTW...after that i had 2 more children...I had a 4 yr old, 2yr old twins and a newborn then I had a 6 yr old, 4yr old twins, a 2 yr old, and a newborn.

Good Luck,
K.

This can be the part where you let go of all your ideals & tell her to pick a favorite movie or cartoon while you get the baby down. Also, if needed, a snack.

It is not forever. I promise.
The real trick is spending as much alone/uninterrupted time with the Toddler as possible. Perhaps letting her know that "If I can get the baby down, you and I will be able to play a game together." (whatever fun activity)

Also, make her an important part of taking care of baby, like keeping things such as diapers, blankets pacifiers where she can get them for you. Or hand them too you while you do the task.

Perhaps there is a young neighbor that can "play" with her for a little bit a few days a week - a "mother's helper". Girls as young as eight can be wonderful additions to your arsenal of sanity-keeping.

This is not the easiest time, but remember, at this young age, the stages change quickly. Every challenge you face will not exist in a matter of weeks as things will change.

Take lots of pictures to remember, because in about eight months or so, when you start to get a little bit more sleep, you wont remember anything.

Hang in there, keep posting so you know you are not alone.

P : )

It is tough...at first. My son was 16 months when his brother was born. At first he didn't seem to mind the baby, but then after a couple of weeks he seemed to want more attention. I think this is just normal stuff going on. It is hard to juggle. My family does not live around here so I inlisted girls from the nearby college to come over and play with my oldest...to give him just one on one time so I could sleep when the baby was sleeping. Or if I had plenty of rest I would have the college student watch the newborn while he slept and would spend one on one time with my oldest son. It is a juggling act and for me it took about 15 weeks to adjust to it all. After a while...4 or 5 months I got them on the same sleep schedule...give or take 30 minutes or so. Now my oldest (almost 3) has Alexander time in his room with his toys in the morning for 45 minutes while the now 18 month old take an a.m. nap and then in the afternoon I put them down at 1 and the 18 month old sleeps until 4...Alexander does not fall asleep right away, but plays for about an hour with his toys and then falls asleep until 4. It will all work out...just take one hour at a time. Good luck and congrats! P.S. I like what Amanda (mama under me) had to say.

Mine are 11 months apart. I know that's not quiet a toddler and a new born but it was difficult having to balance an older baby and a new born, particularly a preemie. I guess one of the things I did was try to get some sort of routine going. I learned what my new born's eating times were so I could breast feed, then once she had eaten I'd set her down to sleep and tend to my other baby's needs. For example, my new born ate about 10 a.m. or so. Then I'd feed her and then give my older baby her snack and try to lay her down for a nap. While they were both asleep, I'd catch a quick cat nap. I guess it was a matter of learning their "times" and working with them. Also, whenever good friends or family offered their help, I would gladly take it. My Mom and in-laws were a big help whenever they came over for a quick visit.
For your toddler, maybe you could get her a little baby doll of her own. And whenever you feed your new born, you could have her feed her baby. Or when you change your baby or hold it, for example. Toddlers at that age usually like to copy their mommies. :) I've heard of mommies who have done that and it helped a lot.
I hope this helps! Good luck and God bless you!

I was in a similar situation two years ago. My oldest was 26 months when my second was born. The best advice I received was to give extra attention to the older child. The newborn doesn't recognize the need for attention the same as the older child. When I would sit down to nurse, my older child was given a "job" to help me get my pillows or a blanket for the baby. I would make sure one hand was free to read a book with the older child or we would watch a cartoon together.
We had a lot of little "jobs" for the older child so he could help care for his new brother. He stacked the diapers, made sure the baby's new toys worked,and made faces at the baby to keep him happy. We had to work hard not to get frustrated when the older one interrupted an attempt at a schedule for the baby. We never wanted the older one to think he was replaced or that he was being bad when he was just being a 2 yo.
Good luck. I know this is a trying time but soon you will have a routine down pat.

As your newborn gets older you will start to get on a schedule and that will help. It may not be exactly the same times every day, but it will be similar times.

You might want to try nursing the baby in bed and telling your toddler to crawl in bed with you. My children were all read a book before they went to sleep at night and they would lay down and I would read a book to them while I nursed the baby. I always called it "mommy time." I would say, do you want some "mommy time" while the baby is getting some mommy time? If your toddler says no then say, "It's OK if you change your mind and want to read with us." Nurse the baby and start reading a book out loud and pretty soon your toddler will be right there next to you. I used to read to my toddler on the couch and in bed while I nursed the baby.

I would put the baby in a jumpy seat on the kitchen table while I fed meals to my toddler in the high chair. I would talk or sing to them while I was getting breakfast ready. Pretty soon you will catch your toddler singing to the baby to entertain the baby.

When I would change the baby's diaper I would ask my toddler to help me change the diaper by getting a diaper for me. I would say, "Oh look at the baby. He is smiling at you. He knows you are helping mommy take care of him."

Just try to engage your toddler in helping with the baby. Tell your toddler what a good big brother or sister he or she is. Tell them that the baby is looking at them. Tell them that the baby loves them. If they are helping with the baby then your toddler is not left out and it is no longer a competition for mommy time.

Hey there- I have a 22 mo and 5 mo old sons. You have had lots of good advice but I would add what a friend of mine (mom of 5 told me) start referring to the baby as "her baby" whenever you can. Can you make "your baby" laugh? Can you get the socks out for "your baby" ? Can you read to your baby? Can we sing to your baby?

Somehow they have some ownership of this new creature- after all she did not ask for her to interrupt this time with Mama baby just came into her life.

Personally, I had more troble balancing the logistics of say getting them both out of or into the car to go somewhere- depends on how much trouble your toddler can get into when not watched- mine is a busy little guy so I keep him strapped into the car seat longer since he is safe (and keep the AC and music on).

Hang in there and let us know what you have learned!!!