Mom of 3/12 Year Old Boy. Do I Need Counseling for Just a Friend to Talk To??

Jackie,

I really do feel for you. I am a 45 year old mom with 3 children (2 are adults) & a two year old, and she does completely wear me out. My situation is different in the way that I'm a SAHM & could not imagine juggling a full-time job on top of things! I could have seriously written your post, as I'm in the same boat. Hubby doesn't help much, shy in making friends. It's also difficult due to my age, where most Mom's with toddlers are younger.

I would never stay in a marriage just because I'm scared of doing it on my own though, so I think on that account, I would talk with your husband & seek marriage counseling together if needed. As far as meeting ohter moms in your area, I would suggest becoming a member of "Over 35 Moms" Mom's group. I'm a member & have not had the opportunity to make it to a playgroup yet, but this may be a solution in meeting people your age in the area that have toddlers.

I can't offer much more advice, but I do truely understand being exhausted & triing to juggle everything on your own. If you need to chat or vent, feel free to email! :) Good luck to you!!

You already work a FT job outside the home and being a mom is ANOTHER FT job. Your husband HAS to pitch in. Otherwise you will self-destruct! lol Seriously, I'm a 46 yo mom with a 6 yo son so I know what you are going through. Leave your son with your hubby all day O. Sat or Sun for him to get a taste of what's involved caring for a kid. He's gotta pitch in more. As for the tantrums...I have carried my son out of a bookstore, over my shoulder while he was kicking things off of shelves. Embarrassing? Yes. Did I make my point? You betcha.

Jackie,
I think that you should find a counselor. There will always be challenges with a child. Once he is in the school system, it will benefit you to have connections with other moms. I think being happy and enjoying being a mother is something a counselor can help with. Just having someone to vent to will help. It will benefit both you and your son. I am 41 and have 2 young boys. They are alot of work and exhausting. I just recently joined Lifetime fitness and I put them in the childcare so I can workout. It really is a good release to exercise and it makes you feel more energized. I would say find a good counselor, find a few mom/playdates, and find a way to exercise. You are not alone with the tantrums, screaming, hair-pulling...unfortunately for many of us it is part of it. try to find positive ways to help motivate him to do the right thing. Start a reward chart with stickers for everytime he leaves somewhere nicely etc. If all else fails, carry him kicking and screaming, he will eventually figure it out that it dosen't get him what he wants. Good Luck!

Jackie-

First of all, I am sorry you are going through this alone. It's not easy being a parent (my husband works Mon-Fri nights so I'm alone five days a week). Having a strong willed and high energy child doesn't make it easier!

First of all, I'd sit down with your husband (or write him a note since you are shy) explaining that things have changed in your life and you require more assistance doing things (whatever that may be) around the house. Tell him that you need a few minutes alone and it's his turn to put your son to bed. Go and take a bath. Look around Naperville for mom's play groups that you could take your son to. Do you have any friends or family close by? Have them help out by taking your son to the park or somehwere for an hour on the weekends so you can be alone, make friends, etc.

Third, I would not suggest staying with you husband only because you are afraid to be alone. I understand that is easier said than done, but do you want to teach your son that it is acceptable to stay with someone you do not love/care for/have feelings for/etc? Would you want that for him? He'd be better off with two parents who are happy and unmarried than married and unhappy.

Fourth - as far as the kicking/screaming/etc goes, it sounds like your son knows how to push your buttons. It's embarrasing when you are out in public and in this day and age, you can't really do much in terms of spanking because people will call DCFS on peopple in a heartbeat! I suggest several things. First, give him warning. If you are leaving some place, tell him 10 minutes before, 5 minutes before, 2 minutes before then when it's time to go, don't draw it out. Be firm, get him and leave. If he screams or fights, ignore it and carry him out. If he pulls your hair or hits you, stop, put him down and firmly tell him NO and maybe slap his hand and tell him that hitting is NOT allowed. Hands are for hugging and helping and you'd love a HUG (maybe try to play it off and he'll change his mind - worth a try). Otherwise, take him to the car, put him in his carseat and tell him that you understand that he is upset but that it was time to go. Explain that if he cries when you leave, you won't be able to go back. The next time you go to said place, have the conversation about leaving and not crying. Praise him when he doesnt' cry/hit/etc. Another idea would be to fill his mind with other things when it's time to leave. Before he has a chance to fight you on it, tell him that you are going home and want to play a game with him. What game would he like to play? Talk it up while leaving. Or, tell him you want to play I SPY on your way out. Or tell him you have a surprise for him in the car if he does not cry/throw a fit/etc. Have something small like a sticker or song you can sing together on the way home.

I think counseling may be a good idea but mostly for the thoughts/issues with your husband.

My mom had a child at 40 and said it was a lot harder on her physically because of her age. That may have a lot to do with it too.

Good luck and feel free to keep in touch if you want someone to talk to, vent to, cry to, etc.

I agree that you should communicate with your husband and let him know what you are going through and how it's affecting you. Be specific as to what he can do to help, that will help make things clear. And don't let him brush it off as unimportant, this is important, it's about your mental health. It sounds like he's not invested in raising your son and if that is the case there may be an underlying issue and counseling might help. But that's something you'll have to judge for yourself when you talk to him.

My daughter used to throw temper tantrums too. There are many different things you can try. Distraction is a great tool. Find something he likes to do that he can't do where he's at and get him excited about it (if you are excited about it, chances are he will be too). Consequences can work, but they have to be something immediate (since he's so young). Tell him things like, if we don't leave now, we won't get to do "this" or we won't do your favorite activity at home. You could wait him out. If there isn't something else you have to do afterwords. He'll wear himself out eventually and this will show him that him getting mad won't make you change your mind. Something that worked for my daughter, however, was to just pick her up and carry her out, by the time we got to the car she was done fighting and was fine, but protect yourself as much as possible, I suggest putting an arm around his waist and carrying him like you would a football. Also, talk to him about leaving before you go play and say that you'll have to leave at a certain time and let him know when it get's close to time to leave. I usually say "we can do this activity one more time." But give yourself extra time in case there is a struggle