Advice for Marriage

Hi T., reading your post made me sad-- I have had relationships like that in the past, and even though you sound very positive and are looking for the best in your husband, he just sounds really inconsiderate, to the point of being disrespectful and unkind. Maybe I'm completely reading it wrong, but when you love and respect someone, you make an effort in a relationship. You want the other person to be happy. If he were just lazy and didn't help with housework, that's a smaller issue I think. But he goes to the neighbor's every weekend, while you stay home with the kids? That's very inconsiderate. Not only for not spending time with his family (Yes we all need a break, but not for the entire weekend, every weekend) but also for thinking that you're the sole child care provider in the household. We all have to pitch in to make a family work, and he's not even doing close to his share. He doesn't seem to care if you're happy-- his job is to spend money that you don't have, leave you with the kids whenever possible, and not to listen to your concerns because then you're b*tching. Sounds like an easy job to me! He sounds like he's only concerned about himself and his own well-being. If he's truly a great guy, he wants to make you happy, and that seems to be the last thing on his mind. I'm really sorry, I don't mean to be a husband basher. It just makes me sad for you, because now that I have someone who does love me and wants me to be happy, I see how badly other people in the past have walked all over me and treated me poorly. People who refuse to attend counseling (when it's needed) are usually scared of what the therapist will say about their behavior. I really hope I'm completely wrong about your husband, but you deserve better. Have a serious conversation with him and tell him to step up to the plate. You are not supposed to be doing this on your own when he's right there.

Best wishes,
J.

You can't force someone else to change, but you can elect to cange yourself.

-Start making small changes... men respond very quickly to sex. Let's be honest. If you ramp it up a little, maybe he'll be a little more attentive to your needs.
-Have a group of errands that you line-up for the weekend and let him know that you are going to run the errands alone b/c it's faster and you want to get back in time to make dinner together and rent a movie (and "reinforce" his efforts after the kiddos go to bed)
-After he gets used to being alone with the kids, then make a social plan with your friends. I know that when I wasn't working during summers, my husband would get upset if I wanted to go out at night or on a weekend b/c in his mind I wasn't working, so what did I do all day? The only cure for that was leaving our son with him for an entire day. That argument hasn't come up again.
-Develop a household budget and write it out... spreadsheets are great if you can put one together. If you are the one who pays the bills and does the bulk of the shopping, he may not be aware of how much is left at the end of the month. Show him- save the receipts and bills and enter the EXACT amounts into the columns.
-Make time for one another. I know that money is tight, but could a friend watch your children for a few hours so that you two can have dinner at home alone?

Really, the only way to reconnect is to focus on it and make it a priority.

I have been through what you are describing - I have to say that my marriage changed when I changed my outlook and expectations. If I wanted to kiss and hug him and be loving - I went and did it instead of waiting for him to do it. I started flirting with him again and acting like I was his girlfriend - sending him sexy little texts and stuff. I also read the book "Love and Respect" - it was VERY insightful as to what men need from us. One part that sticks out to me is that Men like to be told how great they are. I don't know why but it never really occured to me that he needed affirmation from me. But he does. So every once in a while I tell my husband "you da MAN"....LOL I always crack up inside when I say it, but I see his eyes sparkle when I say it. Women want Love, Men want Respect ~ you will be amazed at what you can get from your husband if you start respecting him and learn how to communicate in a way that he feels respected. Your children are also still young. I think that you will notice as they get older he will be more involved. I think that some men are just afraid (for lack of a better word) and they don't really know how to relate or what to do with small children. You have to keep in mind that men don't have a "motherly instinct" like (most) women have. Not that they don't love their children, it is just different, God made us different for a reason!! I guess what I am trying to say is that whatever it is that you want from him, start giving to him. I bet it takes a week or two and he will be asking you what the change is all about. I wish you all the best. Hang in there, things can and will turn around if you are willing to put in the effort!

As far as the counseling goes - do you belong to a church? You can usually get free counseling there. If not, you might talk to a friend or relative who maybe attends a church in your area, and see if their church might have someone you can talk to.

It took me a really long time to come to accept that my husband is who he was the day I married him, and although I tried and tried to change who he is, he has stuck to his true self, and put me in my place. I no longer try to argue that he could be "different" or "better". He is not going to change. With the help of my sister and a few friends I realized what I had to do to make it better for myself. I enjoy the time when he is around, and make sure that I let him know that I love the man that he is. And I allow him to be a man. I no longer belittle him or demand things from him. I just allow things to be as they are. He loves me and our kids. I plan play dates often, hang out with my sister and her 2 boys and I keep busy doing things that I love. I have become a happier person because of the small changed I've made. I no longer nag or "bi*ch". I just accepted HIM for HIM.

Try this- You have to assume he wants to hug/kiss you, but may feel your wall, or doesn't want to be rejected. YOU make those moves. Put your arms around him and kiss the man every day when you see him come in. Try it for 1 week. Force yourself to compliment him (even if you have to be a little fake). Make yourself. He will feel you changing, and could surprise you and reciprocate more than you think he will!

You can't force him to be considerate or understanding of you, but you CAN force him to stay home with the kids while you go out.
Just change your mindset.
When he comes home, announce that you're leaving. And then turn off your cell phone, do what you want and come home when you want. The kids will be fine. You need to take control back, and it's going to require forcing him into it.
Good luck, hon.

Two good research-based books are John Gottman's 7 priniciples for making marriage work and Harville Hendrix's Getting the Love You Want. The thing is, you BOTH have to read them in order for them to be effective. If only you are trying to do things differently, nothing is going to change in your house.

Re: counseling, there are non-profit agencies that offer couples counseling on a sliding fee basis. You could try Harriet Tubman/Chrysalis, Family/Children's Services, Catholic Charities, Hamm Clinic.

Good luck.

Read John Gray's Mars and Venus in Touch. it will help you talk to your husband and have him listen. as for sex, tell him what would make you feel closer and more open to sex ( for ex. spending some time alone with him in a non sexual way, going to bed earlier, having him spend family time with all of you, getting out and having time for yourself,etc) pick two things and tell him it will help your sex life, and make sure you come through IF he makes an effort. If he doesnt good luck, he sounds Very young and maybe he will grow up as the years go by. But working till 10:45 sounds very difficult for him to have family time during the week, do you have a mother or sister who can help you out occasionally as well?

I got to that point in my marriage once. I told him very simply that I would stay until the last one turned 18, that I would do everything I was doing, including having sex with him, but once that last child turned 18 he'd be getting divorce papers. I wouldn't ask for anything in the divorce, I would leave him with as much of the debt as I could, and I would be GONE. Unless some things changed. It worked for me. He needed to grow up, and once he saw I was serious and not angry, just determined and strong, he straightened out.

Why do you have to ask permission to do something? You are not 5 or 8. Make a plan to go out shopping or to the mall or a bookstore by yourself and when he comes home go. He needs to have the shoe on the other foot to learn what it is like to deal with his children. Make sure you turn off your phone and enjoy the peace and quiet.

When do return home come in with a smile and relaxed. That will get his goat because he may think you met someone when you didn't. Men like to possess things but can't stand it when their SO goes out like they do because they think all kind of weird stuff. If you can join a bowling team for women and leave the kids with him that would be good. Change your attitude and think of you first not last. Make this your "ME" time.

I think every or nearly every marriage has a spot like this it is up to the people in the marriage to figure out how to reconnect. Small children take up a lot of precious time that hubby used to get and still wants and probably pouts about. Figure out a way to reconnec to him and make the marriage first. Remember you were a couple before you become parents.

Good luck to you.

The other S.

PS Most husbands are totally clueless to family finances and think if they make it they should be able to spend it. You cannot change anyone. I don't know where that myth came from but you can't change a man from who/what he is and I wish we women would stopping trying to do so as it usually backfires in a bad way.

Have you watched Sex and the City 2?
I thought it was a learning tool in a form.

One good book is "the proper care and feeding of husbands", it explains how us woman hold the power to improve our relationships by changing the way we relate to our partners. When I applied some of the things in the book my husband started helping me more around the house and stuff, and I did not even have to ask. It is too bad your husband will not go to therapy with you, at one point when I was leaving my husband, counseling saved our marriage.

My husband got very bad about telling me he was doing this or that, and just expecting me to have the kids all the time, and I too had to ask permission to do anything. So, I got a part time job that was opposite hours from his job. I did not ask, I told him I needed to get out and so he needed to be there to take care of the kids. It forced him to step up in a big way and get a glimpse of the life I had been living. When I stopped working a few months later I told him that things would not go back to how they had been before. That was a year ago, and things are still better, way better.

I understand completely what you are saying! I feel the same way at times with my husband. My husband can be the most giving, caring, helpful, etc person there is but he can be very selfish as well. Especially when it comes to his outdoor activities (hunting and fishing). Just for an example, he has an oppurtunity to sell his tractor for like $4,000 but instead of paying off some outstanding debt that is hanging over our heads, he's planning on getting himself a boat. Okay, yep, that's logical. I understand that he would love to have a boat and all but I just don't see that this is the time for one. I'm the one that has to take care of all our bills so he's not feeling the stress of it all. I tell him but it's not sinking in. So little does he know, I am going to start insisting that he joins in on the activity of paying the bills, etc. Maybe then, he'll see things differently but I fear not. I didn't mean to go off on my own vent here but I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in feeling this way. I would definitely do what you need to do for yourself. Get out and get some alone time. It seems like our husbands can come and go as they please but unfortunately we don't get to as easily. It'll be hard to do at first but you need to. I'm struggling with the same thing. Even if it's just to go for a drive or go to the movies, just do something. He helped bring the kids into this world, he can help raise them. You need a break just as much as he does! Good luck!!

He does what he needs to do to stay composed, you need to do the same.

You have some really good responses here, I just wanted to add one thing. I wanted (NEEDED) to see a counselor but thought that I couldn't afford it. I finally called our insurance company and said "Look, I need to see a counselor. What can I do?" I was shocked to find out that seeing an in-network counselor is completely free. Free. I couldn't believe it, and I was so mad at myself for not pursuing it earlier. I've been going for about a month and it's wonderful. My husband has noticed the change in me and is going to start going too (amazing!). Call your insurance company and see what they say.