Missing His Dad

My six year old daughter lost her father very unexpectedly two years ago. They were very close. She doesn't ask much now, but back then I told her that she could talk to him when ever she wanted just say it or think it and he will hear you from heaven. It seem to help her, hopefully it will help him.

Hi S.,
I've been through a divorce and the situation was developed by my ex's lack of responsiblity for the family he created. I know it will be difficult for you to talk to your son about his father, without remembering your own hurt.
I would guess that your son is at an age that he is figuring out relationships and other kids have dads and he is wondering about his own. Your son was created out of a love relationship, and I think that would be a strong point that I would try to make to him. You may have ill feelings now, but you didn't when your son was conceived. Your former is a part of who your son is. A part of his identity that he is trying to figure out. Let him know all of the good things, great things that the man that was his father was about. You will teach him the right things in life that he should know and there is no need for you to deliver any message to your son of anything other than the good about your former. Because as his mother you are going to bring out the good and yourself in him, combined with his own unique personality to grow into a fine man.
Best wishes,
TRUDI

S., my heart goes out to your son but there are things that you can do to help your son cope with his father's death. I mean being 5 years old is an age that some kids can understand things this is a very hard situation for him. Have you explained to your son that his father is not coming back? If so you have to come up with a plan to soothe his hurt if he understands. He is hurting right now no matter you and his father's situation before his death all the know is he misses his father. Once you instill in him that he is never coming back think of ways to do things for his father although his father is gone help him make things for his grave like memorials or poems, keepsakes etc. to show his father he misses him. You may not get the thrill out of it but it is not for you it is for your son and if you want to get over that hump with him missing him you have to come up with a plan to do so. I have never been in this situation that my child has lost her father. She don't see him because we relocated from him and her older brother died of SIDS. She is only four and althougth she never met her brother she knows she had one and goes with me to pick out things for his grave site. As for her father, well she used to say that she misses him it has been a while since they last spoke but because there was a twist in the beginning of this year somehow he don't neglect the fact that although we are miles away she is still here and he has to acknowledge her presence whether we are in the same town or far away but I think that only came because Child Support is about to kick in! I hope this helps if you need ideas you can call me my number is ###-###-#### or email me at ____@____.com Luck!

Hi S.,
My 5 year-old niece lost her dad when she was 18 months. She spends the summer with us now, so I thought I could share some of the things we do to help her and maybe that can help your son as well. (Also, my sister had recently divorced her husband, before he passsed). We tell "MC" how much her father loved her and stories that we remember -- how he helped feed her, how he won the stuffed animal for her at the fair, how proud he would be of her, etc. We are trying to help her develop positive memories of her father -- which also seems to make her feel more secure and loved. We also had people in the family write letters of their positive memories of her dad, which we will give to her when she gets older. Her little cousins and friends ask why she doesn't have a father, so I think it is tough on kids this age. They don't understand why they don't have a dad, too. We just try to fill that void with lots of love and positive memories. MC also makes up stories about things her Dad said to her and things they did together. When she does this, we just listen and comment about how much he loved her. Anyway, hope this helps. I know it must be hard on you and your son to deal with his sadness and loss.
- L.

as hard as it may be for you to bring it up. He needs to know his dad loved him before he passed. Find some old pictures show him something that is happy, birthday, christmas. He may not miss his dad he may dealing with the fact he doesnt remember his dad. Try if you can to deal with his pain and let yours go, you harbor some anger which is natural but your son should never know that. Tell him stories about when you first met the day he was born. Maybe it will help you both.

Do you have any pictures of your son and his dad from before he passed/before the divorce? Can you remember some happy times that you all had together?

Maybe one of the things you can do to help your son is to put together a scrapbook all about his dad. Pictures, happy times, anecdotes about the two of them together. It might help him adjust to the loss, but also to get to know his dad. And he'll always have the book as something to remember his dad by.

The feelings you have about the ex/deceased may be hard to put aside - I understand, because my BIL went through a very nasty divorce with his wife, but if there is any way to put a positive spin on it and you can find it, then do it. He probably doesn't remember much about him, and he's at about the age where he identifies with the same-gender parent. My daughter is 4 1/2 and she wants to do everything I do - so that's probably where this is all coming from.

Hi S.,
Wow, what a hard situation. I think the first thing to do is find out where this sudden need for dad has come from. Ask him, why he is thinking so much about his dad. A five year old won't completly understand, but it's usually a simple answer as to why they are feeling this way. I guess my suggestion is explain to him that his dad loved him very much and misses him too. Does your son understand what happened to his dad? Library's usually carry books on such topics just for this situation. It might be worth looking into. Best of luck.

My dad passed away when I was 10 and I never even got to meet him, but I was still crushed. No matter what he did or didn't do in life, your son wants to remember the good things about him in death. I would recommend getting him a journal (maybe he can dictate to you and you write until he is able) that can be dedicated to writing the good things he remembers down and writing about feelings that come up along the way. This can also serve as a "communication tool" to his dad and God if he chooses. It will help him to not forget things that may otherwise slip into his non-memory bank. Just be open to listen to his feelings and never minimize them even if you feel like cringing inside, my mom did that and it hurts pretty deep. Hope all works out for you and your son. Stay available and it will.

Babywise book put this theory well, but I'll paraphrase. I believe that kids need to see love from their parents- not just for the child, but for each other. Without that security, kids grow up on the brink of their world collapsing. My siblings and I grew up on that brink, and I know first-hand the damage it causes.
What does this have to do with a deceased husband? Nothing. It involves the person who is still here with your son. I think your child needs to feel love radiating from you when you talk about his father. He needs to feel that security, just like every other child. It couldn't hurt to talk lovingly about his father in heaven who must have had some positive qualities for you to have married him in the first place. Go back to that place and take your son with you- maybe it will give him the comfort he is asking for.