How Do I Help My 3 Year Old Son Understand the Death of His Father???

There is a wonderful grief group for children called Ted E Bear Hollow. We used the Omaha Chapter. There is no charge for the program. http://www.tedebearhollow.org/

First off...hugs to you. I cannot imagine what you are going thru.

My mon died suddenly when my daughter was 4. The two were as thick as thieves! They had a wonderful relationship, that at times I envied. My daughter took mom's death hard but we managed to make it thru. There will be ups and downs, but what I told her was that she could not see Granny anymore, but she can talk to her, remember her with photos (put some great photos in your sons room) I brought out things that smelled like her (perfumes, clothes) and I told her eventually her memory will fade but the good feelings she had and the love she felt when with Granny will be with her always. My daughter also focused on a few stuffies that reminded her of Granny. If your son needs to sleep with you maybe try that for a while - maybe he is scared you are going to go away too?

My daughter just turned 12 a few months ago and mentioned that she could not remember what Granny looked like in her memory, but what she thought about was the good feelings I told her to focus on. It suprised me after all this time so I guess it made an impact. Just realise the stages of grief and know your son if feeling these even tho he is small.

My ex attemped suicide so I know a tiny bit of what you are going thru. Stay strong, build a strong support network for yourself and children and above all laugh, have hope and joy, stay positive and know that you and your children deserve happiness. God Bless

I am so very sorry for the pain that you and your family are going through. Not only to have lost a fiancee and father to your children but for it to have been through a suicide must make it doubly hard.
First of all, you need to acknowledge to your son that his feelings are legitimate. Try not to "interpret" too much on your own but try and get him to talk to you, either in words, or through his play, what he is feeling. Let him know that it is alright to feel angry, sad, scared, by letting him know that YOU feel that way too!!! But always reassure him that you love him and that you are going to be there for him.
Does he understand that his Daddy took his own life, or does he just know that Daddy is gone/ I can only imagine that he somehow feels that this is HIS faulr...just as children try to take on the fault of a divorce between paretns. YOu need to be there to help him through the scarier emotions that he has to deal with but let him deal with them on his level...and know that he will probably deal with them again and again, as he matures and begins to understand more of the things he is missing by not having his Daddy in his life.
Talk to him about the special memories that he has of his Daddy, help him to preserve those in his mind, so he has those to comfort himself with through the years.
Is there a grandfather, uncle, good friend who could be a supportive, and loving male presence in his life? He needs to be able to feel like he can bond with someone else and have those warm, loving feelings that he enjoyed with his Daddy.
You might also look into a counselor for him, someone who knows how to help him through play therapy. This is a major adjustment for him, as well as it is for you and for all who loved your little boys' Daddy.
God Bless you

T.,

My heart just breaks for you and your children. I am so sorry to hear what happened to your fiance~ My suggestion to you is to get your children and yourself into counseling asap. It will really help to have "talk therapy". Your son can vent and express his emotions, you can get some support. As far as answering your son's questions, I would only answer what he asks- be calm, clear and give simple explainations. Have him sleep in your room-- most likely he is very afraid that you might leave too-- in his world, his daddy is gone and he is anxious about you being away from him too. Keep your kids close to you and let him have his feelings, whatever they are--don't try to change them. Get him a coloring book and some blank paper-let him draw what he feels. It will help. Good luck to you~

Molly

I am so sorry that you and your children and your loss.

Our daughter always did best when we could read books to her about the subject she was encountering.. Here is an excellent list of children's books on death.

http://www.best-childrens-books.com/childrens-books-about...

Go to your library and check out a few.. If you find a couple your child seems to understand, purchase them..

Be sure to find one about how all things die.. A book about when a pet dies and then one on when dad dies.. I would not read them to him all at once, but over a week along with all of his other books you read to him, include these..

We experienced the death of one of our daughters preschool friends mothers at one point (not anything like what your child is going through), it really helped to just read these books.

One day out of the blue our daughter asked a very basic question.. "How is is Billy going to buy groceries?" I said "he will now live with his grandparents.and they will buy him groceries. " . After a few minutes she asked, "what if they die, how will he go to the grocery store? He is too little to drive the car!" I said "if Billy's grandparents die, he can live with us, and I will take him for groceries." Her answer was "That is a good plan."

Your son is very young and this is a big concept. There are lots of ways to be confused about death, so make sure you have a resource to help you all get through all of this. You need to be able to grieve and also go through the other feelings you are experiencing. You are trying to stay strong for your children, but you need to be able to have honest conversations about what you are feeling without feeling like you are scaring your children. Please find a group or a therapist so they can guide you.
One of our great friends committed suicide 1 1/2 years ago. We were devastated.. There had been a lot of strife in their home that none of the rest of us always knew about. She had many children and it is the youngest that were the most confused.

They are doing a lot better at this point. They have all been in therapy and have surrounded themselves with lots of friends who offered to help. Please ask for help.. Others want to be of support o tall of you..
I will be thinking about you .

My sympathies are with you and your children. I cannot completely understand the depth of your grief, as I have never personally lost a close relative to suicide and I can only imagine how complicated and confusing it must be. I sincerely admire your courage and ability to put your grief aside to guide your children through this tragedy.

Until kids are about 5 or 6 years old, their view of the world is very literal. So explain the death in basic and concrete terms. You might explain that Daddy's body wasn't working anymore and the doctors couldn't fix it. You may have to explain that "dying" or "dead" means that the body stopped working. Usually, a simple, direct answer will satisfy them for the time being.

Kids this young often have a hard time understanding that all people and living things eventually die, and that it's final and they won't come back. So even after you've explained this, kids may continue to ask where the loved one is or when the person is returning. As frustrating as this can be, continue to calmly reiterate that their father has died and can't come back.

Avoid using euphemisms, such as telling kids that the loved one "went away" or "went to sleep" or even that your family "lost" the person. Because young kids think so literally, such phrases might inadvertently make them afraid to go to sleep or fearful whenever someone goes away. Which may explain the sleep problems your child is experiencing now.

Also remember that kids' questions may sound much deeper than they actually are. For example, a 3-year-old who asks where someone who died is now probably isn't asking whether there's an afterlife. Rather, kids might be satisfied hearing that someone who died is now in the cemetery. This may also be a time to share your beliefs about an afterlife or heaven if that is part of your belief system.

Prayers of healing are being sent your way, stay strong and give it time. I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry you and your family are dealing with this. I would get him in counseling. I think you should go too. I can only imagine how hard this has been for you. You're probably still in shock and one day that shock is going to wear off. Good luck to you and your children. Hugs to you.

I am soooo sorry for you and the children.

My son was 3 when his 7 year old friend suddenly died. We told him that his body is still here, but he is gone. He handled it great. He asked me, "Why doesn't God just give him another body?" I stood there with my mouth open. He wanted to see him in the casket, and we didn't want to, but he was fine. I explained that he was not breathing and his body will go into the ground, so don't worry about him.

My favorite book to explain death to children AND adults:
THE FALL OF FREDDIE THE LEAF - Leo Buscaglia

I'd cry with him and let him sleep in your bed. He might be afraid to lose you. Have him draw pictures and see what comes out.

I am SO SORRY you and you're children have to go through this. He is so young, and doesnt understand. But he does understand daddy isnt around and it makes him angry and sad, and probably scared. In his little mind he probably is afraid that mommy might go away too, and other people and things he loves. Right now, he needs reassurance, all the time. Tell him that even though daddy went away, it's not because of him. Daddy still loves him, and you still love him and arent going anywhere.

I would seek the advice of a professional asap. And any support group for yourself, and the kids. My oldests father died when he was little, and while he didnt seem bothered at first, as he got older it came out ten fold. This is a huge thing to try and handle on your own. Let him feel whatever he's feeling, and also tell him that its okay to feel this way. It is so hard to understand. I'm sure for you as well. It will get better in time. For now, just love the kids with all you have, they need you so much. But take care of yourself too. Take a break when you can, and find support. I'm sure you have alot of emotions to deal with yourself.

I am sorry for your loss. Natural death is hard enough to understand and suicide will leave an eternity of unanswered questions. (My husband took his life 2 years ago) There is a really good story called Waterbugs and Dragonflys that explains death in a simple manner that kids may understand. I am not sure if 3 is too young though, but you could always follow up with a conversation. You can read the story here: http://belovedhearts.com/stories/Doris-WaterbugsandDragon...

Perhaps if you relate his dad to dragonflies, it will help him, at least until he is older to understand.

I am so sorry for your loss. My step-father also committed suicide. It's not easy.

a couple of thoughts I had while reading your post are that you might let him sleep in your bed with you. Normally you wouldn't want to get a bad habit started but this isn't a normal situation. I think if it will help him feel more secure I would definately do it. it might also help you. Also, be truthful with him and tell him Daddy is in heaven with other family members, lost pets, whoever is gone from your family so that he will know that Daddy is not alone and that he lives on in heaven. Maybe helping the angels, or that he is your son's angel, watching over him from heaven. Is there something of his father's that he could have with him to keep like a favorite shirt that you might turn into a pillow or teddy bear? Something he could snuggle with to keep Daddy close. Is there photo albums you can look at together, videos you can watch. I think over time he will need these things less and less but for now he should not be denied seeing his Daddy in any way that you can provide.

The following site makes dolls out of pictures so kids can have something to hug, they are mostly for kids whose parents are deployed but I think in this situation it might be something that could help your son.

https://www.daddydolls.com/

Also, there are several sites where you can send in an article of clothing and they will make a memory teddy bear from it. Just google memory teddy bear and they will all come up. here are a few.

http://www.tammybears.com/custom.html

http://www.bellybuttonbears.com/

http://www.aluvybearsoaps.com/memory_bear_teddy_bears_han...

Good luck!

My sympathies are with you and your children. I think finding a therapist would help both you and your children with how best to deal with this situation now and in the future.

I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with such a loss. My heart goes out to you and your children. (((((((Hugs))))))))) Please consider going to see a family therapist and one who specializes in this type of tragedy as it relates to young children.

I will be praying for you....I am so sorry for your troubles....I hope everything works out for you...

Please please please just be truthful with him. He is old enough to understand that living things will all eventually die, and that it is permanent. You can explain that daddy's body isn't working anymore and that he won't see him again.

Was there a funeral? Did he have a chance to say goodbye? You might help him think of a way to say goodbye, visit a burial site if there is one, etc.

Please also look for a therapist as was suggested by many others. You have your own grief to deal with and letting a professional help you and your son will be good for everyone.

I am sorry for your loss and pray that you will all be strong and healed.

oh my. i dont know what to say. i am so sorry for your loss, for your pain, for your hurt and aching to feel ok, and at the same time help your kids feel ok. :( :( i hope that you have plenty of support in your social or family group, and that you can find peace. God be with you.

number one; dont lie to him. its likely he got VERY confused when you told him that he went to work, because i mean obviously, he didnt come home, and he knows. kids know when somethings wrong. so dont lie to him. ever. that doesnt mean you have to tell him the details or anything, but be straight with him that daddy is at peace, but cant see him anymore. its a hard concept! see if you have any life examples he can relate to; loss of a pet, or a bug or something. i dunno.

number two: dont make him sleep alone! if he cant sleep alone, this is the time you let your mothering instincts kick in and let your children be comforted by you (and you be comforted by them). this is important! they are scared! they are confused. they are lost. they are just beside themselves with pain - as you are! even if your daughter doesnt understand, she knows because of your emotions and feelings that something isnt right...
dont deny yourself greiving, and dont feel the need to hide your pain from your children either. obviously, dont spend all day in bed or crying, but if you break down, let your kids come to you, let them see that you are sad too, let them know its OK to show your feelings! they might break down too, which naturally makes you feel worse im sure, but at least they are bonding with you during this horribly difficult time, instead of thinking that they cant greive or something. especially with boys, it is ok and good to show feelings, accept feelings for what they are, and comfort boys, because we sometimes think boys have to be tough, but every boy is distraught at the loss of their father. no matter what age. showing him how to deal is a good thing.

anyway, i dont know what to say. you have to take it minute by minute or day by day. but just dont push him away, let him be with you or near you or whatever he needs too. and also take time for yourself.

i really dont know what else to say, its just so painful. im so sorry you have to go through this. i wish no one had to feel this. *HUG*

He needs to work with a social worker or child psychologist who deals with grieving and loss in children. This is going to be something that he has to work through for the rest of his life, but it does not need to thwart his potential. I am so sorry for your loss. You are not equipt to "fix" this or make it better. Find a professional to help him and to help you. You can all heal and move forward... He may need to go again during big transition times in life, like puberty or around big milestones - of if you get involved with someone who takes on the role of step-dad etc.
peace,
K.

I think you got some very good advice from the other people here. I especially agree with S.M.'s advice about trying to find a therapist to take your son to. He does need some help sorting through his thoughts and feelings which can be an overwhelming thing. He doesn't hate you or anyone/anything at all, its just very very hard. At his age the finality of death is very hard to understand, especially with people children are so attached to.

My heart goes out to you and your family, I hope you're able to find a way to help your son cope.

I am so sorry for your loss i have a 3 years old and i know how they feel,pls take him somewhere where he could be with uncles ,grand father or cousins that could keep him busy.I dont have much to say here. i will pray for you and your kids.hope everything will be fine.

I am sending you heartfelt condolences and a great big hug. This whole thread has made me so teary.
Let him stay with you. Let him snuggle in your bed. He is 3. His whole world revolved around Daddy and Mommy and now Daddy is gone. I would caution using "work" as an analogy for Daddys' death. What if Mommy goes to work and never comes home?
We send balloons up to the dog that died or Grandpa, UNcle Jack. Everytime we got a helium filled balloon we sent it to heaven so Brutus would play with it or Grandpa would know we were thinking of him.
This is still so raw for all of you. I am so sorry for your loss.

My dad died when I was in my early twenties. He got ill and considering his already medical issues he passed away. I was devastated and couldn't stop crying for months. We played trivia at a bar and had pizza twice a week, went out of town to flea markets, and such. Pretty much every weekend. All of this with our 3+ year old son. To him it was almost as bad as losing daddy. My son was so close to him. My dad told him all the things he was going to teach him when he was older. They had a wonderful relationship.
Well he comprehended that granddad died. He also saw that mom was in pieces. I couldn't hide that.

He went to a therapist because he was visibly upset, I'd say maybe depressed. They helped him explain his feelings and usually played games while him and the therapist talked. He started to improve and eat and such over time and he seemed much better.

He is 8 now and still regularly thinks of grandpa. Cries about him even. Says how much he misses him. It passes within 30 mins. We distract him like the therapist said. I guess what I'm trying to say is it will take time for him to deal with this. It just takes lots of talking and patience and don't expect him ever to completely heal. My son was a grandpa's boy and he still misses him. Tells me he is going to be just like him when he is older. My dad was an engineer so when he plays legos, kinexs, or bionicles he tells me he's just like grandpa.

Also, I'd like to add how sorry I am. I hope you sometime find peace yourself. I fear once you no longer have to focus on your child in such a way you will allow your feelings to come out. So please see a therapist yourself. You will allow yourself to start the grieving and it will more than likely be more severe than your son and you will go through all the stages of grief. I'm so sorry and more hugs than I can give. I hope you find peace.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Are there any uncles or grandfathers or friends of the family
who could provide a masculiine presence for your little boy?
Not that the person could ever take the place of daddy,
but at least another loving person in your son's life?

About his fears, you need to let him know
that YOU're not going anywhere.
That you'll always be there.
That he doesn't need to always see you
to know that you're there.

You're his mommy and you'll always be his mommy.
It is very very sad that daddy isn't here with us any more.
We can talk about daddy and miss daddy.
But I will not leave you. Ever.

There may be support groups somewhere in your area
to help you with this. You might not be able to find
a specific support group of people who have had a similar loss.
But if you look around, you may be able to find an appropriate group
whose focus is in a similar general area.

Also, you might benefit from some counseling.
Both to help you process this loss
as well as for support and suggestions regarding helping your son.

Wishing you well,

S.

I am so sorry for you and your kids. Obviously, if you can see a therapist or get some counselling that would be fantastic for each of you. Suicide is something that is painful because of the loss but also must bring with it a lot of anger and betrayal. I hope you get help for yourself so you can be fully present for your kids.

I think truth, in gentle doses, is the best policy. My daughter first asked about death at 3 because she heard about it from classmates in preK. Her fear was that one day she would die and disappear and she would no one would be able to see or hear or talk to her. I think that she got the story of heaven and ghosts a little confused, and she was very scared. In that case I spent a lot of time telling her death was something tha thappens to everyone, but it wouldn't happen to her or us for a long long time until she was very old. She is healthy and strong and safe and she does not need to be scared about that. For my daughter, it was about removing the burden from her and taking it on myself. "I promise you do not need to be afraid of this."

Of course, you are dealign wiht a much more direct wound. I think you need to identify what SPECIFICALLY makes your son scared and try to minimize those fears.

I suggest telling him
1. in no uncertain terms that Daddy died; he must understand that daddy did not leave him and go off somewhere or will come back one day
2. you are very sad and it is okay to be sad because you will miss daddy
3. death happens, but it won't happen to you or him for a very long time and he does not need ot be scared of it - he is healthy and safe and so are you

I don't have no idea how you handle the idea of a suicide with a child that age I don't think he needs to know that explcitly, and I can't see what good will come from it. But at some point in his life, he will probably learn, be told, or overhear that is what happened. And I would expect tha tto bring up anger at his dad and at you if he feels lied to. And so, I think you need to be careful not to lie either. This is why I think a counsellor would be such a great help. I might take the approach of saying, Daddy had something wrong with him, it was an adult problem and not something that will happen to him, and he is at peace now. Be careful not to tell him daddy was sick, because that could make him afraid of being sick.

Beyond that, I would try to come up with way for him to cope that are in line with your personal believe system. Maybe he can talk to Daddy in heaven. Or have write down his memories of daddy for him or video tape his telling daddy stories and make a photo album together to keep him memories strong. Or let him viit the grave and tell him that this is a place to remember daddy but that daddy is in a better place. And help him to contiue to do the things he used to do with daddy so he doen't feel like he has lost all that, maybe with your fiance's family? Whatever works for you.

Either way, I would say tha the needs a "not scary truth" that allows him to feel safe and like he can trust you - and he needs some coping skills to deal with teh feelings of loss. Again, I am very sorry for your loss.

I like the answers that you've been giving him. His statements about hating things may be just general statements of frustration. Know that it's OK to feel however you feel, from one minute to the next--and that's true for him too. Try to find something each day that all three of you can enjoy. In each moment, you can reach for a thought that feels better. Maybe you can help him learn to do this too. It will serve him well throughout his life.

I disagree with those who say that your son will never heal from this experience. Over time, if we choose to, we can focus more and more on the sweetness of having had that person in our life, and less and less on the moment when it ended.

Make sure you have pictures for him to look at around the house.
Make sure yu haven't erased the things they used to do together that made him feel a bit of closeness to his dad.
Do you understand what you are feeling in this whole scenerio?
Answer him as honest as poossible.
Come upo with a better story than he is in the sky watching over you.
Explain how he might be lookin gdown and what he would be able to see.
Ask him what he thinks daddy would see.

Just talk waith him,,,not to him.
You will learn as much as he does.

Look for Children's Bereavement Art groups in your area. Some health plans may be able to help you find one or maybe on-line.

In my experience, the best way to get over hurts and losses is to move forward - look ahead and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Avoid idle time, sad movies and sad songs.